Takes

Connor McDavid will leave the Oilers within three seasons

He's Gonzo win or lose. We have three seasons left with Connor McDavid. That's my opinion... after three years, so three more playoffs. I think that would've been 13 years for McDavid... if he does leave in three years, win or lose, they're idiots [if they dislike him].

The Edmonton Oilers are choke artists and will never win a Stanley Cup

He [McDavid] ain't winning a cup in, in Edmonton. No. Oh. Not at all. They fucking, they're choke artists. They might, they might as well might as well be Maple Leafs. It ain't, it ain't gonna fucking happen.

Connor McDavid will win a Stanley Cup, but it will not be in Edmonton

Can [Connor McDavid] win the big one? Yes. Not in Edmonton. Oh, okay. I like that. That's a good take.

Alex Ovechkin might actually be 46 years old due to age technicalities with Russian players

The most amazing thing about the Ovy Gold chase is... He could be like 46 years old. Like you never know with Russians. So the fact that he's like, could be a little older is even crazier.

Canada will win the Four Nations final 6-2

Six to two. Six-two. McJesus will rise. They will light up Hellebuyck in an elimination situation. ... Jordan 'The Snowman' Binnington will have an incredible performance for the Canadians in net. Mark my words. An absolute spanking.

The Capitals would have won Game 1 if they could remove any three minutes of play

If you take out like three minutes in the second period, we actually tied this game. One. One. ... If you take out that 10 seconds and the two and a half minutes in the second period, the caps actually won. This game one nothing in a series where nobody thought that we could come within three goals of beating the Rangers.

I could last a two-minute shift in the NHL and score a goal by crashing the net

If we threw you out there, could you last a shift in the NHL? It's like two minutes, right? Yeah. I think I got that. I mean, yeah. I mean, for fighting for 30 seconds of this shift... maybe just crash the net, just get in front of them that, yeah. Push the goalie around and see, who's got the goalies back. It's a playoff goal.

The NHL should suspend players for dirty hits but allow them back for one 'grudge' game

I think they should do this more often... suspend him for enough games where he can come back and then everyone can tune in to watch him have fights all night. I think the rule should be if you get suspended for a dirty hit in the playoffs, you should be forced to start the next game, skate one shift, and then after that point, your suspension begins.

The Capitals will suffer the biggest championship hangover ever and miss the playoffs next year if they win the Cup

If Ovechkin wins the Stanley Cup, I am predicting the biggest championship hangover of all time in — we're not even making the playoffs next year. No, I bet he's going to score five goals next year because he's going to spend the entire summer on a yacht in the Caspian Sea just having hookers and blow just delivered to him by Putin.

Vladimir Putin hands out unlimited credit cards to high-end Russian hockey players

I've just heard some rumblings, and it's been confirmed by a few guys that, like, Putin basically hands out credit cards to all these high-end Russian hockey players like Malkin and Ovechkin. Where basically they could just go, like if you say they want to pop bottles one night, they just go, they just put it on the Russian credit card.

The Washington Capitals are better this year because they are actually worse than last year

The Washington Capitals, they are better this year because they're actually worse than they were last year, okay? ... The fact that the Capitals are not as good, they're not as deep... It means that they're winning ugly is what I'm getting at. ... we've tried being by far the best team talent-wise. That hasn't worked. So let's give it a shot being a little bit shittier than them.

Every player on the Pittsburgh Penguins is using steroids

The Penguins did their – I think everybody on the Penguins is using steroids. I'm going to put it out there. You know what? I think that's the only explanation. They're really good in game sevens when the other team is always super tired. I'm putting it out there. Cheaters, all of them.

The Capitals will sweep every round and won't lose a game in the 2017 postseason

I'm going to need to go to some Caps games. They're only going to be four per round because they're going to sweep. They're probably not going to lose a game this entire postseason.

Russia would have won the Cold War if they had beaten the U.S. in the 1980 Olympic hockey game

I have two. One is a historical one with the Russians, which they had to do over in 1980. They would have won the Cold War if they won that hockey game.

The 'glowing puck' ruined the NHL and likely caused the 2004-05 lockout

The glowing puck, did they get rid of that because it was easier to play defense? I think they took the non-hockey followers word too seriously and kind of ruined the game. I really think that's probably why the lockout happened.

There is a greater chance of America taking over Toronto than the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup

I think that there's a greater chance of America, like slowly encroaching into Canada and taking their land away and taking Toronto, than there is like the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup before that time.

The Washington Capitals would be better if they were coached by a 'junkie mom' figure

They never should have gotten rid of Bruce Boudreau... because he's a really shitty coach. ... the best analogy I can give is like if you have a mom who's a junkie. A lot of times the eldest siblings will step up their leadership roles and know that they have to look after the team. ... they learn a lot of accountability because they got to cover up for their drunk dad.