Takes

Stephen A. Smith should argue against a mirror instead of a co-host

I actually think Stephen A. Smith should just argue in a mirror, like a dog looking at itself and barking. How great would that be? If we just put a really clean mirror in front of Stephen A. Smith, we're like, this is your new host, man.

Skip Bayless is the new Monet and takes are the new art

Takes is the new art. Like, back in the 1700s, 1800s, you didn't have people giving takes to each other. You had people making paintings. Like, real art. Who cares? ... But now you've got people who are giving their opinions and then other people talk about their opinions. So it's like it's the new art. So what I'm getting at is Skip Bayless is the new Monet.

Officiating in all sports is better than it's ever been

I would, in fact, say that officiating is better than it's ever been. In every sport across the board. Ever. Of all time. The refs are great. Shut the fuck up if you think that they're not.

Skip Bayless and Curt Schilling are 'bad guys' that sports fans actually need in their lives

You want Skip [Bayless] in your life. Like, you're complaining about him. He's the bad guy. He's like Tony Montana walking through that restaurant, right? You have to have somebody that you point at that's got the shittiest takes that you almost... that you love to hate.

Curt Schilling should be known for his failed business ventures rather than his social media posts

Curt Schilling needs to start bringing up that he bankrupted a video game thing and bankrupted the whole entire state of Rhode Island. I feel like people forget that, and he should be saying that more often. It's like, don't know me as Curt Schilling the racist. Know me as Curt Schilling the really bad businessman.

Hockey Twitter and NBA Twitter fans are annoying for constantly comparing the toughness of their sports

Hockey Twitter will be like, well, Jonathan Toews said 'we' a bunch... then they'll make like awful memes showing how hard and tough hockey is and how soft and like a bunch of pussies NBA players are. When I think most of us can just say like we kind of enjoy all the sports. I don't really think I should have to choose between one or the other just because someone's able to stay on the ice with a broken leg.

Scottish Twitter is the funniest part of social media

Scottish Twitter is pretty good because it takes you like three or four reads to figure out what they're saying but it's laugh out loud funny every time.

The phrase 'Black Mamba' should be banned from television because it might be offensive

If people out there are getting offended by it, then, you know, TV should be a safe space. So I say that, yes, you should not be allowed to say Black Mamba on television anymore.

Internet 'shoe roasts' of team jerseys are ruined because people complain about everything

This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful... The internet is so cynical all the time... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it... When you start picking out the Detroit Lions gray jerseys, kind of ruins it for everything else.

Rick Reilly does not understand how the internet works

I don't think anyone has understood the internet less than Rick Reilly. He said, Willett's hug of his caddy on the couch in the butler cabin has got to be a vine, doesn't it? So I don't even know if Rick really understands what a vine is. I think he thinks a vine is a meme.

Adam Schefter is feeling the heat from Jay Glazer and Ian Rapoport in the insider market

Schefter needs PR 101 because Schefter went on the Dan Patrick show and he started defending Greg Hardy. We call that the Jay Glazer effect. Jay Glazer's doing sit-downs with everyone. Schefter's feeling a little heat there. No one watches the NFL insider market more than I do. Schefter's feeling a little heat.

The Crying Jordan meme is essentially a form of blackface

Isn't Crying Jordan meme a blackface in a way? I've never thought about it like that, but I suppose it is... They blackface literally every person who's ever lost any game ever.

It is weird that Grant Hill calls Bill Raftery 'Coach' when Raftery hasn't coached in 35 years

Grant Hill refers to Bill Raftery as coach. This is noteworthy because Bill Raftery hasn't coached since 1981... Grant Hill was eight years old in 1981... I only call my coaches coach. It feels to me like he's mocking Raftery and Raftery just doesn't know it.

The best PR move for any scandal is to check into 'treatment' without explanation

Check into treatment... Don't give us an explanation. Just like disappear for 20 days and then you come back and you're like, I'm healed... When you just say it's a real problem that needs treatment, people now all of a sudden can't make jokes about it.

The Barstool Sports app is the worst app ever created

Barstool's app truly is the worst app that's ever been created... I think they made the Barstool app just to crash. Can we just make an app that just crashes all the time? And if you're looking at it from that perspective, it's the greatest app that's ever been created.

Journalists should only get the media buffet if they ask good questions

You basically just treat all the journalists like they're five-year-olds when your mom said, if you don't eat your broccoli, you don't get ice cream. It's like, listen, guys, if you don't ask good questions in this presser, no buffet for you.

Pardon My Take is more professional than Scott Van Pelt's show

[PMT is more professional]... A lot. I always did that [SVP's] show on my cell phone.

Radio talk show listeners who also use Twitter are the dumbest people in America.

I think that radio talk show listeners who also use Twitter are the dumbest people in America.

Mike Ditka is the only person in sports media who can say anything without backlash because people just accept it as 'just Ditka.'

[Mike Ditka] is the last guy who I think in all of media can basically say whatever he wants, and people will be like, oh, yeah, that's just Ditka. He is the last guy who personifies 'sorry not sorry'.

Comment sections deliver the most pure and unfiltered takes on the internet

That's why comment sections usually deliver the most unfiltered Correct takes. It's because like you're in a race to get your takeout before somebody beats you on it. So like, you can't be bothered to make sure that it's a hundred percent factually correct... this is just like brain to internet. Like there's no filter.

Kornheiser and Wilbon use the 5th minute of PTI as a crutch; we are better journalists than they are

I think what we're planning on doing what, four good minutes, not five good minutes. Kornheiser and Wilbon maybe use that extra minute as a crutch. It is a crutch. Yeah. No, we're much better interviewers and journalists than they are.