Takes

Pablo Sandoval is 'hurt' because he's fat, not 'injured'

I'd say he's hurt. I wouldn't say he's injured. I think his whole body is... he's just so out of shape. He's like, 'ow, I slept on it funny, I'm out for the rest of the season.' That's a fat guy thing. You start making up injuries in your brain.

Pablo Sandoval will be just as good from the right side as the left side next year

So his right hand is going to be getting a lot of exercise. He's got a wipe, J-O, you name it... flash forward to next season, he might be just as good from the right side as he is from the left. So keep an eye on that.

Jimmy Clausen still has the potential to be a good NFL quarterback

To be fair, Jimmy [Clausen]'s put together a couple of good games. Like jury's still out on Jimmy.

The Golden State Warriors offense works better without Steph Curry

Now I'm starting to hear reporters out West saying that the, that the Warriors function in like a more smooth offense. Now that Steph Curry's gone...

If you drink enough protein your arms get inflated with fat and you look like you've been working out

I'm a big protein guy because a lot of times if you just drink enough protein, your arms get kind of inflated with all the fat. You wear a tight shirt, and then you look like you've been working out. So anyway, even if you're not a big workout guy, I think that there's something in this for you.

The 2015-16 Leicester City team is taking steroids

I think that Leicester City is all taking steroids. There were a 5,001 long shot before the league year started. And now they're probably going to win the English premiership. And the only way that's possible... they're taking steroids, all of them.

Johnny Manziel should become a sports blogger

He needs to become a blogger. He needs to write for the Players' Tribune. I'm sure they'll hire him over there. ... because pretty much all bloggers do all day is they talk about sports and then they get drunk at night. And that seems like it would be like a square peg, square hole situation.

Doing somersaults cures muscle cramps

My fun fact is that if you get a cramp, doing somersaults gets rid of the cramp. ... I was playing golf with my friends, and he just started doing somersaults. And I was like, why? And he said, it's because you get cramps, and that gets rid of him.

Aaron Rodgers' hard count is unsportsmanlike and the 'quarterback version of entrapment'

I actually agree with him [Richard Klatt]. Well, it's kind of the NFL quarterback's version of entrapment, right? Like if you're a police officer, you're not allowed to entice somebody into committing a crime. Why would you be able to like trick somebody into committing a penalty?

Life.com is the most prestigious university in the world

I don't want to go recency bias on us, but Life.com is probably the most prestigious university in the world.

Laremy Tunsil should own the gas mask video and walk out for his first NFL game wearing one

Tunsil should just own this and come out for the first game with a gas mask on.

Carson Wentz has better long-term prospects than Jared Goff because he can sit for a year

I would look at Wentz's long-term prospects, especially if he can sit the first year and learn... The thing I fear for Goff is being thrown to the wolves right away with huge expectations, big city, new city. The learning curve is going to be very, very fast for him... I would be much happier if I were training a quarterback this year for one of these two teams, if he could sit for a year instead of getting battered. So that's one reason I really like Wentz.

LeBron James has been doing steroids since the day he was born

Steph Curry's hurt, Chris Paul's hurt, Blake Griffin's hurt, you know who's never missed the playoff game? LeBron James. But LeBron James has always been huge. ... Always has been doing steroids probably since the day he was born. I've never seen a more clear steroid case in my life than LeBron James.

Capitals goalie Braden Holtby is using Adderall to play well in the playoffs

I don't follow hockey that closely, but I know that there's always one good goalie in the playoffs. And whoever that guy is this year... I want to go [Braden] Holtby. [Braden] Holtby is using Adderall.

The physics of how planes stay in the air don't actually make sense

I don't understand the physics of planes staying in the air. ... I mean, you're going 30,000 feet in the air and you're just trusting that a plane is just going to coast.

Pardon My Take is responsible for Skip Bayless leaving ESPN

I think the entire Pardon My Take, Pardon the Interruption, First Take fiasco that ever since that happened, ESPN's ratings have been way, way down. Our ratings have been way, way up. So, yeah, I think I think there's a better than zero chance that we contributed to [Skip Bayless's] demise.

Tom Brady could sue the NFL and Roger Goodell for defamation

I don't think [Tom Brady] is just going to let this go away. I think what he may do is he may sue for defamation, because what happened in this Deflategate, none of that is relevant to if he brought a claim for defamation. In other words, saying that the commissioner and the other people said things about me, which they did with malice... there's no question the Golden Boy image at the very least is tarnished.

Curt Schilling should jump to Fox Sports and keep his mouth shut

I think if [Curt Schilling] is smart, which he isn't, he ought to jump over to Fox and keep his mouth shut. ... I don't care what he has to say about anything. Why would anybody care what he has to say about anything?

Russell Westbrook is an All-Star, not a NBA Superstar

Westbrook? All-star. I agree with [Mark] Cuban. Not a superstar. My criteria for superstar is a superstar has at least like 10 million Chinese people wearing their shoes.

Anthony Davis isn't a superstar because he claimed he couldn't get a date on Tinder

Anthony Davis? He's a bum. He's a bum right now. Did you see him on the thing with Tinder? He was saying he couldn't get a date. Now let me ask this: Does an all-star, a star, a superstar ever not be able to get a date? Anthony Davis is a bum.

Jimmy Butler is a bad leader and a bum

Jimmy Butler is an all-star, but he's also – he's got a couple bum qualities in him that have pissed me off. ... He's an all-star who thinks he's a superstar, which then makes that part of his brain bum-like. ... He is the leader of the Bulls now, yes, but he's a bad leader. ... All right, fine. He's a bum star.

A 'Hangover Crawl' starting with Pedialyte cocktails and ending in a movie theater would be a million-dollar business

I think it can make a million bucks. We start a hangover crawl, which is like a 1 o'clock meetup... You start out with Pedialyte cocktails, a Bloody Mary. You move on to like a Klonopin bar, some margaritas. Then you go to like a movie theater where you play a boring movie, let people pass out for 90 minutes. Give them an IV... I think that's key.

The Golden State Warriors are better without Steph Curry because Klay Thompson can finally shine

I think the Golden State Warriors are a better basketball team without Steph Curry... Thompson can really shine now. [Clay] will actually get to shoot. And he's actually a better shooter than [Steph].

If the Blues lose to the Blackhawks, the franchise should move to L.A.

If the Blackhawks do win tonight, Monday, they have to cancel hockey in St. Louis, correct? Every franchise has to move from St. Louis to L.A. It will be such an embarrassment.

Jake Arrieta is 'juicing through his eyeballs'

I think Jake Arrieta is a classic case of juicing through his eyeballs. If you look at the facts on Jake Arrieta real quick, he wasn't very good early in his career and now he's super good. What do they all have in common [with A-Rod]? You guessed it: using a lot of steroids.

Colin Kaepernick used steroids because he's too skinny now

My [Witch Hunt] is Colin Kaepernick. If you've seen a picture of Colin Kaepernick, he looks like a tweaker. He's super skinny. He's got a fro, which means he was doing steroids, and now he's no longer doing steroids. So Colin Kaepernick was a steroid user.

Matthew Stafford is not an upper-caliber quarterback and he can't beat winning teams

I never did gel with Stafford, and it is what it is. I don't think he's a great quarterback. He's not on that upper caliber quarterback that's going to take you to a championship. Or going to beat a winning team.

Stanley Johnson is actually in LeBron James' head by making LeBron think he's crazy

So you're thinking LeBron has probably read this and was like – like laughed it off, like, ha, ha, ha, ha, Stanley Johnson thinks he's in my head. And then there was a quick pause, and he's like, uh – maybe he is. I don't know.

JJ Watt will get a DUI within six months if he keeps up his current public persona

He either comes on Pardon My Take and doesn't interview anybody and is actually real for a little bit... or two, he keeps up the facade, and then six months later, he gets a DUI, and then it's all just completely busted. ... If you keep this up, and then you get a DUI, guess what? You're screwed.

Conor McGregor's retirement is likely a cover for a steroid issue

I don't think people assume steroids enough anymore. And now this is going to be a hot take, but just follow me for a minute. Conor McGregor, he retired because he did steroids, right? Why isn't anyone saying that?

Cal Ripken Jr. used performance-enhancing drugs to maintain his consecutive games streak

I think that we need to bring back steroid accusations because you're absolutely right. So I'll get it started by reiterating my favorite steroid claim of all time, and that's that Cal Ripken Jr. used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs to break that streak.

Conor McGregor will transition to the WWE

You saw that the last, what, six people that McGregor has followed on Twitter have all been WWE guys. So is Conor McGregor going to be a wrestler?

Donald Trump will choose Carly Fiorina as his running mate to counter Hillary Clinton

My guess would be he goes [Carly] Fiorina if he runs against Hillary Clinton just so he can be like, I'm not sexist. Some of my best running mates are women. He should.

Mike Zimmer would be an ideal Vice President for Donald Trump due to their similar tans and attitudes

My number one will be Mike Zimmer. They've got the same tan. Mike Zimmer's got a no-nonsense type attitude going on. ... He communicates the same way that Donald Trump does, just direct, straightforward.

Wearing a headband increases an athlete's vertical jump by four inches

I've always had a theory about headbands too, that headbands increase your vertical jump at least temporarily by about four inches.

Johnny Manziel should go to law school and become his own agent

Johnny Manziel is agentless. He should start going to law school, become his own agent, show that he can be a responsible adult. If Johnny Manziel was like yeah I'm starting night school classes law school night school classes tell me people aren't like wow Johnny really got his act together.

Matthew Dellavedova could make the roster of most NHL teams

I will say that Matt Dellavedova could probably make the roster of most NHL players, but he's probably the only NBA player that I think could cross over into the other sport.

The NBA's new hustle stats are just a way for Matthew Dellavedova's agent to get him a big payday

Basically it's like—it's Matthew Dellavedova's agent coming up with these stats to try to get Delly a big payday this offseason. Just being in somebody's face for a shot is now a stat.

The Anaheim Ducks will win the Stanley Cup this year

Man, I'm going to—who do I want to pick? I think Anaheim might get it right this year.

I agree that the Anaheim Ducks will win the Stanley Cup this year

I think Anaheim might get it right this year. [Big Cat]: OK, that's OK. I agree.

Jeff Fisher saved his job with the Rams by trading for the number one overall pick

I think Jeff Fisher might have just saved his own job because you can't really fire a guy when you draft a new quarterback.

Jeff Fisher is trading draft picks to the Titans to secure a future front-office job for himself in Tennessee

I predict that within like three years, Jeff Fisher is going to go back to Tennessee in some capacity. Whether that's like as a general manager or [involved in ownership] ... I think he's making a nest for himself. I think he's giving them all these draft picks to select like a decent amount of good players. And then that's his escape hatch in two years if it doesn't work out in LA.

Johnny Manziel should move in with Tim Tebow for the rest of the offseason

PR 101, Johnny Manziel move in with Tim Tebow for the rest of this offseason... Let Tebow work on them for a while. Talk about an odd couple. If you were to make that some sort of like pay-per-view reality show and charge $100 per episode, I'm in.

The Dude Perfect show on CMT will be the best show of all time

CMT... Thursday nights, Aaron Rodgers. I don't know when Aaron Rodgers is going to be on, but it's going to be probably the best show of all time. That guy is so cool.

John Madden has been dead for years and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR

The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR.

Pissing rhabdo-colored urine makes you the best possible teammate

That dark shade of brown that's above clear piss. That's if you have rhabdo. That's when you're actually the best teammate. Sacrificing yourself. When your body is deteriorating, your muscle is deteriorating and you're pissing it out.

Tiger Woods will never win another major championship

I'm firmly in the Tiger will never win another Masters or major championship in his life. And I've said that for like four or five years now. I just don't, you can only, your body can only take so many steroids before you become immune to them. So I don't think he was ever going to win another one.

Concussions might not be real because the science isn't definitive

I don't know if they just all knew magically that concussions were like a real thing, which science is still out on that, by the way. ... And I'm not going to say that concussions are harmful until the NFL tells me. And Roger Goodell is not going to do that.

The 2016 Golden State Warriors will win the NBA title and become an all-time team

The Golden State Warriors won their 72nd game last night against the Spurs. So now they are an all-time team. Unless they don't win the title. If they don't win the title, then it really doesn't matter. But we all kind of assume they will win the title. The Spurs will probably give them a great series. They will be an all-time team.

The Cincinnati Reds don't suck and will be good this year.

Cincinnati Reds have been on a goddamn tear this year. 6-0 against the spread, 5-1, first place in the National League Central. ... they don't suck. ... I'm a big Reds fan from like way back in the day... the bottom line is I'm a big Reds fan is what I was getting at here.