Takes

Matthew Stafford will be the worst quarterback in the NFC North without Calvin Johnson.

Matt Stafford is getting paid a shitload of money, and now he's probably going to be the worst quarterback in the NFC North. And it looks like it's not going to get better for him... because call me crazy, but I'm not so sure that the Jim Bob Cooter offense is legit.

I would take Jay Cutler over Matthew Stafford any day of the week

When you just basically said Matthew Stafford is the worst quarterback, which I agree with. I would take Cutler over Stafford any day of the week, but I appreciate you throwing me a bone there.

Johnny Manziel can be saved by the Denver Broncos

Johnny Manziel can be saved by the Denver Broncos. Von Miller has been talking about Johnny Manziel going to the Broncos... I'm pretty sure a locker room that just won the Super Bowl is going to be like, Johnny, don't fuck around. More importantly, Denver... is known as Menver because it's like 75% dudes... Johnny won't have as much opportunity for the ladies in Menver.

Roger Goodell is the best commissioner the NFL has ever seen

I actually wanna do the opposite of killed Goodell. I want to make sure Goodell stays in power forever. 'cause I love what he's done to the Patriots and he's just like a personal hero of mine. I think that he's, he's the best commissioner of the league's ever seen.

The Colts should have fired Chuck Pagano and kept Bruce Arians as head coach in 2012

My application to Bleacher Report was saying that the coach should fire Chuck Pagano and keep Bruce Arians as their head coach. And this was a season that he had cancer... And I was like, this is a results league and Arians is, is carrying the team and Chuck Pagano is costing them a fortune in medical bills.

Chris Jones should embrace his NFL Combine wardrobe malfunction and market himself as the 'big dick guy'

I think he needs to just run with us and totally embrace it and always be the guy with a big dick... show up to press conferences wearing like extremely tight [jeans]... capitalize on it and market himself as the big dick guy. Like he's, there's money to be made out there.

Quarterbacks with broken feet are only 'hurt' and should still play because you don't throw with your foot

There's a difference between being hurt and being injured. Anyone who's ever played high school football knows that. If you have a broken foot and you're a quarterback, you should still get out there and play. You're only hurt because you don't throw with your foot. You throw with your hips, you throw with your eyes.

Pardon My Take Will Join A Cult

We're gonna join a cult. Cult week.

Chris Jones' physical endowment is a hate crime against white people

I think you could make the claim that it was maybe a hate crime against white people that that he looked so physically well endowed that his package straight up burst through his shorts while he was running.

Chris Jones should fully embrace the 'big dick' brand by wearing painted-on jeans to press conferences

I think he needs to just run with this and totally embrace it and always be the guy with a [large package]. Like show up to press conferences wearing like extremely tight pants. If you want to wear compression shorts, go for it. But if you have to wear jeans or whatever for the dress code, wear painted on jeans and just have that snake hanging down to your knee.

Putting the Bill Simmons podcast on notice

I'm putting the Bill Simmons podcast on notice this week, baby. I'm coming for you, Bill. There's nothing you can do to stop me. It's a revolution.

Dan Campbell might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl

I personally think [Dan Campbell] might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl.

Masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets an interim head coaching opportunity

I am personally willing to put my money where my mouth is for a Rob Ryan head coaching tenure. I'm ready to go on a masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets at least an interim head coaching opportunity. No Rob, no rub. That's a fact. It's quite literally the least I could do.

Kids should preemptively tear their ACLs like a Tommy John procedure

If a running back was born without two knee ligaments, then they wouldn't have had their entire life to become over-reliant on their knee ligaments, and they'd actually be fine. So what I'm advocating is almost like a Tommy John type deal. It's an operation for the young kids. You preemptively tear both your ACLs, and so then that way they have more time to unlearn the bad habits that you get from playing on healthy knees before you become a pro.

Being 6-0 isn't impressive because every team has been undefeated at some point

A lot of people forget that at some point this year, every single team has been undefeated. So is 6-0 really that impressive for you guys?

Adam Jones would be an ideal quarterback because he wouldn't let anyone else touch the ball

I would say Adam Jones would be the quarterback for nothing else, that he wouldn't let anybody else have the ball. I would say that's probably why he would be the quarterback.

Andy Dalton would be a game-changing middle linebacker and defensive tone-setter

I think you'd really got to put Andy Dalton in the middle linebacker. He's really the tone setter of the team. And I think to really put him in the middle of the field to make all the calls and checks, I think that's just a real game changer.

Andy Dalton's red hair gives the Bengals an unfair competitive advantage

His hair seems to be almost more red than it was last year. Like he's doubling down on his Dalton. Do you think it's unfair that Andy Dalton has something different than any other quarterback in the NFL? There's no way that you can game plan for that. What are you going to put in on scout team? Are you going to hire one of the guys from Pete and Pete to be a situational scout team player so that you can prepare for that on Sunday?

The correct touchdown dance is handing the ball to the ref and acting like you've been there before

Both are incorrect answers. The answer is you hand the ball to the official and you act like you've been there before.

Danny Woodhead Would Play The Game For Free

He's Woodhead, say his name with me. He's Woodhead, he'd play the game for free.

Danny Woodhead Never Gets Hurt And Never Fumbles

Not afraid of dirt, and always keeps it humble. Never gets hurt, and never even fumbles.

The Only Flag Woodhead Has Ever Drawn Is Of The U.S.A.

Only flag he ever draws is of the U.S.A. If you a mouthy linebacker, then you must pay.

Danny Woodhead Watches Film All Day And Sleeps In His Car

Never goes home 'cause he always goes hard. Watches film all day, and he sleeps in his car.

Water makes you weak — real football players do swish and spit

When I was a high school football player, I used to always tell the underclassmen that water makes you weak. So we do like swish and spit.

Defensive ends should jimmy tap quarterbacks to get sacks

If you're coming off the edge, a lot of times you take an angle directly at the quarterback, and that's exactly what the offensive tackle is expecting you to do. So what you could do maybe instead is take an angle just a little bit inside of the quarterback, and while you're running past him, just hit him real quick with a jimmy tap right between the legs. Right in the dick. I don't feel like that technique is emphasized enough in today's coaching environment. It's almost a technique that you have to imagine Belichick is emphasizing right now before they change the rules, before it gets exploited.

The Jeff Fisher 'bend but don't break' defense actually refers to players hyperextending their knees

And you worked so hard that you hyperextended your knee, right? See, that's the Jeff Fisher defense. It's bend but don't break.

Flacco disappeared for 15 minutes during the Super Bowl blackout and no one can account for his whereabouts

When asked what he was doing during the half-hour break, Flacco says he doesn't recall, and that he was probably just hanging out with friends and stuff. But that doesn't really check out when you dig into it, especially when you consider that there was about 15 minutes of game time where Flacco disappeared, no stats at all, and no one can account for his whereabouts.

If you're PC police, you have to tell me — otherwise it's entrapment

If you're a PC police, you have to tell me. Otherwise, it's entrapment. I know my rights.

Cam Newton hasn't earned the right to get calls from refs

Last weekend he was complaining to the ref, he was whining about beating the New Orleans Saints because Ed Hochuli didn't give him a call. And Ed Hochuli told them, you haven't earned the right to get that call yet. You haven't been in the league long enough to get that call. It's more entitlement.

Two sprained ankles is better than one because at least you're symmetrical

We got Jason Witten. Two sprained ankles. You know the old saying in the NFL, if you've got two sprained ankles, you don't have one. And I'd rather have both my feet hurt than just one because now at least you're symmetrical. Jason Witten, he's hurt, not injured.

Aaron Rodgers has about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck

Quarterback wins are kind of like a woman's eggs. Because most people don't realize it but a woman, she's only born with a finite number of eggs. So with quarterbacks, it's the exact same thing because they've only got a certain amount of wins that are in their system. If they don't space them out, then they start to regress early. I think he's got about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck.

Playing on more dangerous surfaces makes football safer

We're making the game less safe by no longer playing it on concrete. And now we're adding like a new bar to the face mask every week. And it's counterintuitive, but if you look at it from a macro point of view, which I am, if you want players to care about their safety a little bit more, then you need to force them to play on more dangerous surfaces.

Joe Flacco is so elite that his lightning-fast offense literally blew out the Superdome scoreboard in Super Bowl XLVII

My subsequent investigation determined that the 21-point first-half beatdown that Baltimore hung all over the 49ers was the highest first-half point total in the Dome that year... The scoreboard simply couldn't handle all the electricity needed to keep up with Flacco's lightning, quick-release and high-voltage offense. Quite simply, he blew the scoreboard out. That sounds pretty damn elite to me.

Nick Saban was right to pass on Drew Brees so the Dolphins could afford 'impact players' like Mike Wallace and Ndamukong Suh

Nick Saban gets a bum rap for bailing out on the Dolphins... but in reality, Drew Brees' shoulder... it was the sword of Damocles, and it was hanging by a labrum. And now, oh, now he's looking like a big hero because he didn't sign him... if Saban had brought Brees to Miami, then the entire franchise would be hamstrung by that big contract, and they wouldn't be able to go out and afford impact players like you've got your Mike Wallaces and you've got your Ndamukong Suhs that they're bringing to town.

Hitler canceling football seasons is an underrated bad thing he did

If you really like football, he probably wouldn't have started World War II, which de facto canceled the 1942 through 1944 NFL seasons. It wasn't called the NFL, but he canceled football. So in the first place, that's kind of fucked up. And nobody really talks about that when they're talking about all the bad stuff Hitler did. So I'd like to kind of raise a little bit of awareness there.

Concussions aren't real

Concussions aren't real. Well, I probably had my brain nicked up a couple times, but if you can pee straighter than you can see after having sex, then that just means you're doing it wrong.

Terry Bradshaw was the first NFL player to thank God, making all pre-1972 players blasphemers

My understanding is that the honor belongs to Terry Bradshaw. It was after the Immaculate Reception. And if you look at it from the other way, you can honestly say that every player that played in the NFL before 1972 is probably burning in hell for blasphemy.

Grit Coins are my own electronic currency and are legal tender in many states

Grit coins... That's my currency that I made my own electronic currency. Well, somebody actually, someone else designed it for me, but yeah, those are actually legal tender in many states.