Takes

I'm boycotting the 2022 World Cup in Qatar unless the US makes it

I'm boycotting the World Cup. I'm boycotting the World Cup unless the U.S. makes it, in which case I might still boycott it. I think it's actually beneath the United States to play in a World Cup in stadiums that were built by little slaves.

The Raptors should trade Drake to break the Drake Curse

The Raptors should trade Drake. He's a big mad. I think he's upset.

Lionel Messi is dead

Messi's dead. Messi is dead. Dunzo. Listen, it's a team sport. Go back to Argentina, Messi. Okay? It's a team sport. Argentina stinks. Messi's great. Yeah.

We should stop learning because mini-collisions in the brain make you dumber

Why don't we go after math? Why don't we go after learning? Because when you think about it, all learning is is a bunch of electrons running into each other. A lot of mini collisions inside your head probably makes you dumber in the long term. Basically like playing the offensive line.

The US Men's National Team should barely qualify for the World Cup so they have to play an extra elimination game against New Zealand

I hope that they barely qualify and that they have to play an extra elimination game. I am really looking forward to that extra elimination game. [I] just want to see them play New Zealand so I can do an accent.

The Sounders and Timbers only play each other in MLS

I feel like the Sounders and Timbers only play each other. I'm convinced that MLS was like, hey, you guys in the Pacific Northwest, you tend to enjoy your scarves and your soccer. Just play each other all the time. We'll pretend like it's an MLS game, but it's not real.

Christian Pulisic will make soccer the biggest sport in America

This guy, he is going to make soccer the biggest sport in America. This is the guy. It actually already happened with Freddy Adu, and then John Harkes, and then DeMarcus Beasley, but it's happening again before our eyes.

Morton Andersen is the best soccer player of all time

Morton Andersen, best soccer player of all time. [Because Ronaldo's goals are only worth one point].

Cristiano Ronaldo's goals are easy and anyone could do them

I could fucking do that. Left footed. He's a finisher. Who isn't? We all finish.

The ozone layer is the most overrated thing in the world; without it, everyone would just be tan and good looking

The ozone is the most overrated thing in the world. Yeah, oh, without the ozone, everybody will get really tan and good looking. Oh, man, wouldn't want that.

Twitter is primarily composed of memes and ISIS recruitment

It's just memes and ISIS recruitment. That's what Twitter is. It's a real problem out there. Real problem out there.

The summer of 2016 is when soccer officially catches on in the US, especially if they can get a 'big tie' against Brazil

This is the summer it catches on. You watch. Some people have called it the summer of soccer. I think so. If they could get a big tie against like a Brazil or something, that's the launching point for soccer being the biggest sport in America.

The 2015-16 Leicester City team is taking steroids

I think that Leicester City is all taking steroids. There were a 5,001 long shot before the league year started. And now they're probably going to win the English premiership. And the only way that's possible... they're taking steroids, all of them.