Takes

The NFL is a better league when Blake Bortles is in it

I want Blake to do well. And the NFL is a better league when Blake Bortles is in it fact, if it happens to be in green bay and if you happen to just sort of ball out for the next 16 years, I think that's wonderful for everybody.

New York rain is the 'wet Willie' of precipitation and refuses to commit

I want my rain to like show up and fight me like a man rain. Don't just do this little drizzle all day. It just kind of like inconvenience to you. Right? It's it's the wet Willie of precipitation.

I like seven-inning doubleheaders and the extra-innings runner on second base rule

I liked the seven inning game. I liked the new rule of starting on second. I know that a lot of people don't like it. I think it's better just because there's nothing more than games going like 16 innings.

Khalil Mack would have been DPOY in 2018 if he hadn't missed two games

Ramsey was first team all pro last year and had his best year... Kahleel a D [Aaron Donald]... I think, you know, the year we were together, guys in 18 [Khalil Mack] probably would have been the player of the year he had had, he had had he not missed those two games.

Chargers powder blues are the best uniforms in all of sports

I think most people would agree probably the best uniforms in, in all sports. You guys just had new uniforms release... I'm glad to say that the powder blues are a big part of it.

Steve Ballmer is definitely the guy at a bachelor party who over-plans every single detail

Steve Ballmer is definitely the dude on a bachelor party who overplans every detail. It's like, alright, we're going to go fucking play some golf... 8 a.m. We're going to go to a nice, awesome lunch spot that I found. Then I rented a boat. Then we got a dinner. It's like, dude, we just want to fucking get drunk. Stop planning everything.

The NHL is partially responsible for Tom Wilson's behavior because they removed goons from the game

It's kind of, in a weird way, the NHL's fault for getting fighting and goons out of hockey because Tom Wilson is kind of the apex predator now. Like, if there were still goons, a goon would fuck Tom Wilson up, and it would be taken care of, and he wouldn't be doing this shit. He's a hybrid goon... he knows there's no real repercussions.

Sports broadcasting needs more emotional analysts who wear their hearts on their sleeves

Maybe this is what we need. We need a guy who just wears his heart on his sleeve and has like, you know, when his quarterback or quarterbacks screw up or want to trade, he gets emotional. I like that... We need people to care about stuff that much on our televisions.

Replacing snow days with remote learning is a terrible decision for the youth

The New York City public schools will have remote learning instead of snow days next year... that's just terrible. I feel bad for the youth.

Steve Carell is the greatest improviser in the history of entertainment

Steve Carell, I believe, is the greatest improviser maybe in the history of entertainment. Anytime he improvises, it's always on topic. It's always super smart, in character, to the point... never veers in a weird direction.

The human brain can only master one of three domains: sports, music, or trivia

A person's brain can only do one of those three things: trivia, music information, or sports information... and music I could almost I can sing tunes of which I get about three words out of 20 correct... but sports that's my interest so like that's that's my distraction and my hobby.

Kyle Shanahan is a quarterback killer

He might be a quarterback killer. If you go back and you look at the quarterbacks that have played under Kyle Shanahan, they put up good stats occasionally, but then after he leaves, it all goes to shit. He's had Johnny Manziel, RG3, that's Rex Grossman III, also the other RG3, John Beck, Matt Schaub, Matt Ryan, who never won another MVP after Kyle Shanahan, and then Jimmy Garoppolo.

Running back is the one position you don't take in the first round

Running back is the one position you don't take in the first round and I know there's obviously people can go back and forth... it just feels like the running back position you can usually find a guy who's 90% the abilities of a first round guy in the third and fourth.

Lou Dort is the best on-ball defender in the NBA

He is absolutely the best on-ball defender. He will lock you down. Lou Dort, he's the best. Dort-your-chamber.

Being the first Madden cover athlete is a more iconic accomplishment than winning the Heisman

I'd never thought of that as an accomplishment. But now that you mentioned it, you're absolutely correct. That is an iconic game... If you go back to that first game that I was on, I mean, everybody looks the exact same. Running backs look like linemen. Linemen look like corners... I'm one of one.

Writing an article about what is 'cheugy' is the most 'cheugy' thing you can do

I think the most cheugy thing you can do is to write an article about whether something is cheugy or not.

I would not trade Bill Belichick for Aaron Rodgers

I said no. [Hard no]. Belichick's got a longer lifespan. He's pretty old. And he's a better proven winner.

Bob Baffert is the most successful horse trainer of all time

When Bob retires, I think he's in his late 60s, but he's going strong. He'll be the most successful horse trainer of all time.

Sarcasm is the best way to prepare a child for life

I'm going to weaponize [my son] with sarcasm. That will hopefully get him through life.

Justin Fields is the best football player in the draft but only the fifth best quarterback

A take that I'm kind of squatting on, because I haven't heard anybody say it. I don't actually believe this. But it'd be cool to hear somebody say, and I feel like it might be coming, just saying that Justin Fields is the best football player in this draft, but he's the fifth best quarterback.

Jon Gruden would trade his entire draft for Derrick Henry

I feel like it might be [Jon] Gruden. He might do it for Derrick Henry just because of his size. I feel like Gruden is a guy that respects mass.

Arthur Smith's family wealth proves his genuine love for football

His dad is the CEO of FedEx and he could have just been rich. Instead, he's like, I want to grind tape and be an offensive coordinator for a bunch of years and then hopefully get the dignity of being able to stand on the sidelines as my team collapses... it's pretty fair to say that he loves football.

Jake Paul 'owns' Dana White by exposing UFC fighter pay disparity

The reason why I say Jake Paul kind of owns Dana White a little bit, he got Dana White to talk about him in the post-fight press conference... he points out that he has made more money than every other UFC fighter before him. Except for Khabib and McGregor... basically he is like, Dana, why don't you pay your guys so they don't have to come fight me and make their big payday?

MMA fighters should start wearing shin guards in professional fights

They should make the shin kicks illegal. Or make them wear shin guards like they do in other MMA sports... I think literally guys are just kicking so hard the shin can't evolve fast enough.

Pitchers who get upset about batters celebrating home runs are 'soft'

[Trevor Bauer] said, I like it. Pitchers who have that done to them and react by throwing at people or getting upset and hitting people or whatever, I think it's pretty soft. If you give up a homer, a guy should celebrate it... I'm all for it, and I think it's important that the game moves in that direction.

The Oregon basketball court is the worst court design of all time

The Oregon court is the worst court of all time. I hate that court. It looks like it's warped. Every time I see that court, I get fucking so mad.

Jason Oweh is the most difficult evaluation in the draft due to zero sacks

Jason Oweh from Penn State to me is one of the hardest evaluations simply because if you can't get a sack as an edge rusher, then what are we doing here? ... All butt, no sack.

The Disney 'wokeness' critic is a compelling weirdo

I actually think this guy might rule. I think he might rule. I think I might be a fan of his... the fact that he spends this much time thinking about Disney is weird, but also kind of cool because it's just cool to be that excited about anything.

The NFL stashed the news about Justin Fields' epilepsy to drop during a slow news week.

If the draft wasn't pushed back this far, we might never have found out about it... They're like, hey, the week before, let's drop the epilepsy story. We're going to stash that one away because people are going to be starved for some news.

I am skeptical of Nick Sirianni because he self-leaked the rock-paper-scissors draft story.

He put the news out there that he was evaluating draft prospects by asking them to play rock, paper, scissors against them... I would have liked this story if someone else had reported it... but the fact that he put it out there, he's like, look at this cool, smart, awesome football guy thing that I did... I'm officially skeptical of Nick Sirianni at this point.

Joel Embiid's missed full-court heave against the Suns is the best shot in NBA history.

I don't care that it didn't go in. I think that is the best shot... that's the best shot in NBA history. ... The process of that shot, I'm not going to base whether or not it was a good shot off if it went in. ... The most incredible thing I've ever seen on a basketball court.

Patrick Mahomes' diving incompletion in Super Bowl LV is the best throw ever made on a football field.

Patrick Mahomes touchdown throw that didn't count. Yeah, the best throw I've ever seen on a football field.

We are in the golden age of fans eating shit in the stands at baseball games.

I think we are in a golden age that we have to appreciate right this second with spaced out seating to just see awesome videos of people eating shit because think about it usually there's fans so you're not going to go for a ball right... Now it's just selling out.

The sports world has forgotten about Saquon Barkley.

I think we've forgotten about Saquon Barkley. I just haven't heard his name a lot... I'm not trying to make a grand point or anything out of this. I'm just saying that I feel like as a nation we've forgotten about Saquon.

Alaskan crab fishing is an addiction that offers a reward you can't find in any other type of fishing.

And I like to pleasure fish, but at the same time, it's an addiction, right? And so... I think, you know, if you're good at what you do... you're not going to get the same reward doing that when you've done both. right and this is like an addiction thing this is like your you know this is your fix.

WWE's X-Pac would have anyone's back in a bar fight.

I feel like X-Pac would have anyone's back in a bucket. He just wants some action, yeah. He just wants the fight, yeah.

The European Super League would actually have been sweet because of the high-level matchups.

The Super League kind of would have been sweet. ... Imagine if there was just a Wednesday, like every Wednesday afternoon, just the best teams in the world playing each other. ... would you watch because it's going to be sweet. They'd be like, yeah, I'd watch. ... It would have been fucking sweet.

Losing your debit card is a good way to replenish your finances by clearing out forgotten subscriptions.

That's how I look at losing my debit card sometimes because you get the monthly charges for things that you forget that you're subscribed to. And so then those charges stop and then you have to re-sign up for them again. You can look at this in a positive light, Bubba.

America deserves all the credit for killing the European Super League

In order to kill something so evil as the Super League, you have to create it. So shouldn't Americans get credit for creating something that the world can get behind and [kill]? We did this. We created and killed it, so we deserve all the credit. Specifically this show and generally America.

Kevin Durant is the new official Mayor of Twitter

I'm removing the mayor of Twitter handle title from Chrissy Teigen, giving it to Kevin Durant... Kevin Durant actually engages with everybody online. And he engages with every single Twitter development... He is the official mayor of Twitter, as far as I'm concerned.

Criticizing the cartoon 'Bluey' for a lack of human diversity is stupid

Kids cartoon Bluey criticized for not having disabled, queer, poor, gender diverse or dogs of color. It's dogs. It's a show about cartoon dogs... none of us were [represented] because we're not dogs. It's a show about dogs. Cartoon fake dogs.

I can tell if a player can actually play just by looking them in the eyes in the huddle

Let me look a guy in the eyes and I'll tell you if he can play or not. That's what it is. It's in the huddle. When you're in a huddle, there's false eyes and there's not. You need to be able to look a dude in his eyes and really see if that guy, if he's ready for when it's going to come.

Belichick disciples fail as head coaches because they try to act like Bill without having his experience

It's hard to go in and and and try to be Bill Belichick without being Bill Belichick. You know you can't just go in and demand the respect and put like this crazy work schedule... you can't just go and try to copy what he does. It's not going to be you. A lot of these guys, they go in, they try to be a hard dick or they try to be this... I don't think you can just go and demand a team like you're Bill Belichick, unless you're Bill Belichick.

A-Rod is breaking up with J-Lo just for the clout

I feel like A-Rod is breaking up just for the clout these days.

If you don't listen to Coldplay, you're a loser

I'm going to say this right now. People bash Coldplay. I guarantee you. Like, if you don't listen to Coldplay, you're a loser.

You should be allowed to do anything to break up a no-hitter, but you must accept getting hit by a pitch the next day

My opinion on no hitters and perfect games, I think you should get to do anything to try to break it up, but you also should get to throw it at their head the next day.

Jadeveon Clowney earned 60% of his career earnings from a single hit against Michigan

How many millions of dollars do you think Jadeveon Clowney has gained in his life, in his career, from that one hit against Michigan? There has to be a number. 60% of his career earnings. Every time you think of him, you think of that hit.

Roger Maris is the real home run king

[The asterisk] represents like the real home run king in my estimation. ... [Mark McGwire] apologized to [Maris's widow] for the shame that he brought to that record and breaking Roger's record and it being so well known that he was juiced the whole time.

Tony Romo is a genius when it comes to the mechanics of a golf swing

The guy is a genius when it comes to the mechanics. Like he understands people's golf swings better than I even think some coaches do with their students just because he sits there and he studies them nonstop.

It is a 'big sunglasses on the back of the head guy' move to rip a ball away from a 5-year-old at a park

[Speaker 2]: his son was way older than mine, and he just stole the ball from our ball. And I was like, you can't take that. [PFT Commenter]: You know what that is? That's a big sunglasses on the back of the head upside down guy move.