Takes

Circus Peanuts are the most trash candy ever invented

My first one is no-brainer: circus peanuts. They suck. Universally regarded as the most trash candy to ever be invented... I think they're just invented so like dads can have candy that they know that their kids won't eat.

Rolos are trash

And Rolos. Rolos are trash. You take a bite of Rolos, I feel like every time I take a bite of Rolos my tooth is coming out with it.

Milk Duds are a trap because they get stuck in your teeth for four hours

I fucking hate Milk Duds. You never eaten a Milk Dud it didn't get stuck in your teeth for fucking hours? The most annoying candy to eat... It's like a fucking trap every time.

The secret ingredient to success is how long a person takes to feel sorry for themselves after a failure

When I really analyzed over the years what a secret ingredient is... it was exactly what you just said: how long they take to feel sorry for themselves... It's how long it takes. Some say 'oh poor me' and some get right back up.

To be a successful NFL quarterback, you have to be an 'absolute weirdo'

To be a good quarterback in the NFL, you got to be an absolute weirdo. Okay, cool guys burn out. You can't be cool... real swag is no swag... winning multiple Super Bowls makes you weird.

Owning a tiger is a drug no different than smoking crack

I actually think that being around these animals is a drug... you get addicted to the rush of these awesome animals that kill you, but you don't think they can kill you because they grow up around you. Having a tiger in my opinion is no different than smoking crack for the first time. It's cool, I'm sure it feels great.

Kevin Spacey is the runaway worst Kevin of all time

Kevin Spacey is number one on our bad Kevin's... he is I think he's like the runaway worse Kevin of all time. We should put an asterisk next to Kevin Spacey and then be like clearly Worst Kevin Captain because the other Kevin's don't really deserve to be in association with him. He's at a Pantheon all on his own.

Carole Baskin is a master at weaponizing sympathy

She was designed to come off as the most sympathetic character at least in the first couple episodes... but she is almost as messed up as Joe [Exotic], but she plays it always using the holier-than-thou card. She could teach a class on how to get maximum money out of a GoFundMe. She's great at pretending that she is the cleanest one.

Antonio Gates should have been on the NFL 100 list over John Mackey

John Mackey, if I had to pick, I would take out John Mackey and I put in Antonio Gates... John Mackey didn't even have a thousand yards in his career in any single year... [Antonio Gates] has the most touchdowns at tight end, 116.

Dan Orlovsky uses his kids' handprints on footballs to prevent people from trolling him

He is constantly reminding people watching him, hey, if you're going to tweet at me about running out of the back of the end zone, just remember you're doing that to a father of three. His background should just be him like behind the end zone and then to his right should be the end zone... He's just permanently in the back of the end zone when he's on TV.

Jason Witten is a third-tier all-time tight end

I have Jason Witten in my third or fourth tier of tight ends in the lower pantheon of all time great tight ends... Most of the seasons it's like 600, 700, 900. He is second all-time in tight end receptions, second all-time in tight end yards, but I'm going to throw a flag on that.

Hot dog water is a top-four worst type of water

I've got hot dog water. It is the equivalent of juicing a diet. Remnants of bathroom hot dog water... that's the most disgusting thing you've ever said in your entire life.

Alex Ovechkin is arguably the greatest goal scorer ever considering modern goaltending

Gretzky's for me, he's the greatest like what he's done. It's hard to knock that. But Alex Ovechkin is right up there for goal scoring. I'll tell you what, in an era to score as many goals as he does in this era of hockey and the goaltending is ridiculous. This guy is an amazing player.

Gen Z has the potential to be one of the greatest generations by combatting the COVID pandemic

I think we have the potential to be one of the greatest Generations looking at historical context... I think we have the potential if we really deal with this virus, we combat it... we can celebrate but right now we got to make the we got to do the blocking and tackling to get it done.

PB&J on hot dog rolls is a superior sandwich method and I'm never going back

I've been making PB and J's and hot dog rolls and honestly, I'm never going back. Yeah, PB&J doesn't fall out of the sample. It falls out of sandwiches in the hot dog roll. It's like a taco, you know.

Wheaties taste like an old person's butthole

Wheaties. Mmm great boxes and they're great workers because they just they made everyone who wins an Olympic gold medal want to be on the cover of their cereal box, even though their cereal tastes like shit tastes like an old person's like butthole.

Frosted Flakes is easily the worst cereal option

This is way more controversial than my last one. But easily my least favorite cereal Frosted Flakes... growing up and I go to my friend's house for sleepovers or whatever and they go on Frosted Flakes. No disgusting.

Tom Brady leaving the Patriots is heartbreaking but I am mostly reminiscing about the championships

It was heartbreaking but it was more of like I kind of agree with reminisced. I was reminiscing More than I was crying in my Cheerios. . . You can never take away like the six championships.

Bill O'Brien is a sleeper agent for Bill Belichick designed to implode AFC teams

I remain convinced this day that Bill O'Brien is a sleeper agent for Bill Belichick as are all of his former assistant coaches that go out across the country take jobs usually in the AFC implode teams and then come back to ensure the Patriots and get to the Super Bowl faster.

Odell Beckham Jr. would have been the Rudy Gobert of the NFL regarding coronavirus

Actually Odell Beckham like he we talked about Rudy Gobert on Friday, but he definitely would have been the Rudy Gobert of NFL. He would have caught a touchdown and put on a mask and gloves and then like wait, where'd you get that? Like, I actually I just got it from like the training staff who got it from a hospital. Whoops. Now, I have coronavirus.

The 49ers would win the Super Bowl if they had Tom Brady

I think you probably win the Super Bowl with Tom Brady [on the 49ers].

Breaking Bad is the best show of all time

I did the same thing that you did with Game of Thrones with Breaking Bad and I'm never really watched that show ever... it's the best show of all time.

David Blaine is the alpha in a room full of action stars

The alpha where yes... David Blaine obviously David Blaine is the alpha... it helped the Cheetos [Pacino] going. I gotta go to my therapist... This was like the most surreal shit I've ever done in my life.

I still do not respect the Coronavirus

I still don't respect the virus. It's like a Ravens Steelers thing, like no love lost. I hate it so much. I want to beat the fuck out of it. It doesn't sound serious and I'm encouraging everybody to do everything that they can... but I still don't respect the virus.

Good health is more important than success, money, or power

Hyman Roth when you think about everything was a hundred percent correct. Good health is the most important thing more than success more than money more than power. If you have your health, you got it all.

Kansas was the best team in the country and would have won the 2020 National Championship

I need a John Rothstein certified NCAA champion who won the tournament this year... I would have picked Kansas to win a National Championship. Kansas was the team. In the last month we saw Kansas separate, they were as the best team in the country. They were a cut above everybody else.

Intentionally contracting coronavirus is healthier than a normal March Madness routine

I think that intentionally contracting coronavirus at the start of March Madness is probably healthier on our bodies than what we normally do to it during March Madness, which is just live off nothing but chicken wings and delicious, copious amounts of Michelob Ultra.

Darren Rovell is legitimately losing his mind

Rovell is kind of a misunderstood but nice guy. I think he's losing it—like he is legit losing his mind. He's on a bender from non-alcoholic beer. This is what happens when you drink like 12 a day for a week straight.

People who never change their car or microwave clocks are 'True Time Warriors'

Every single year. It's like who are the true time Warriors out there that don't change their clocks and the cars are there microwaves or they're already out on your wrist.

Kyrie Irving is a coach killer who got Kenny Atkinson fired

My other whose back is coach killer Kyrie. Oh, so Kenny Atkinson who was many people were saying was one of the better coaches last year took a young group... He got fired yesterday and people are saying it's Kyrie and KD... Kyrie change seventh head coach in nine NBA season Kyrie Irving.

The new LA Rams logo is terrible and looks like the Chargers logo

First of all I thought it was the Chargers logo. It looks like it's got a see it looks like it's got a see it. So it's a ram shell. Shaped in a see it looks like the Chargers which I'd have to imagine if you had like a list if you're sitting in the Rams PR room and you're designing this new logo at the top in like bold letters, it should say, please make sure there is no ambiguity with the Chargers.

The Milwaukee Brewers logo is the best in sports because of the hidden 'MB'

My favorite logo and all sports is though. It's a little bit more complicated the Brewers logo... It's got the middle. In there. Yeah. It's got the letters m and b hmm that blew my mind.

Wearing a 'PMT Karate Black Belt' shirt is the ultimate life hack to avoid fights

I have an idea it dawned on me... we are going to start PMT karate and sell the shirt... you according to us. We are the heads of PMT. Karate you listening right now. You have a black belt. Yeah, so you are not stealing Valor... No one will fight you. That's the whole point of wearing the shirt.

Mr. Portnoy is more valuable in a media trade than Dickie V

I would say. Mr. Portnoy is more valuable than Dickie V at this point... Mr. Portnoy still has like a decade left, at least.

You are an idiot if you don't get Botox once you turn 40 and have money

I think what I think if you make a certain amount of money, you'd be an idiot not to get BOTOX if you turn 40 dude, if I was rich... I'd look strong know all these word. That's the whole point of being rich as you can take shortcuts on Life.

Every actor wants to be famous; those who say they don't are liars

I don't like I said, I you know, there are two kinds of actors: actors who want to be famous and liars.

Hollywood marriages don't fail more often than normal marriages; we just hear about them more

Nobody has ever convinced me that marriages have a shorter shelf life in Hollywood than they do anywhere else. Let's face it. Marriage just doesn't work for most people... I haven't seen the statistics that indicate that it's any worse for celebrities; it's just that we hear about [them].

The Houston Astros robbed the Yankees of a World Series title

I know that my Yankees got robbed. Then there's probably a lot of other teams that got robbed right? I mean, it's out there... Altuve got MVP when it should have been Judge. Yes extra Stripes. Yeah, I mean there's a lot of things that people have to you know, they've lost focus on.

Pete Rose belongs in the Hall of Fame

I still go back to the Pete Rose, you know saying I know it was he wrong? Yes, but how is he not? You know saying in in the Hall of Fame, right?

Aaron Judge hasn't earned his Yankee Pinstripes yet because he hasn't won a World Series

He hasn't played a game [with Pinstripes]... he should have won a championship... You have to win a World Series [to earn them].

Bill Clinton using 'anxiety management' as an excuse for oral sex is an all-time spin zone

Bill Clinton said today... that he received oral sex in the white house because it was managing his anxiety... mental health is kind of buzzing right now. Like guys can talk about this. He saw Tyson cry and he's like, you know what? Yeah, I got sucked off because I was anxious.

LeBron James is exhibiting schizophrenic symptoms via his Instagram captions

His caption of him hitting that three-point shot... Me: I bet you won't. Me: Man who you talking to me. I'm talking to you... man you must not know me well... sounds like he's schizophrenic.

James Dolan staged the handshake with Spike Lee to create propaganda for the Knicks

I wouldn't put it past James Dolan. I would not at all this happens at all the time in spy movies and TV shows where you send somebody up to get long-distance snapshot of right looking like something inappropriate is happening and boom. You've got the propaganda right there.

ESPN wanted Tony Romo so the NFL would give them better matchups

I think they were just ESPN was thinking if we get [Romo] in our booth then maybe we'll get like some Steelers Patriots matchups on Monday Night Football figure it out later... having a guy that Roger Goodell likes working for your company will make Roger Goodell just like give you all the business advantages.

NFL Combine speed can have diminishing returns if it's used as a crutch

I had the thought while I was watching it is being really fast actually bad. Is there a point where being so fast is diminishing returns? Yes... the faster you are the faster you're out of position and you maybe you don't run the routes as well because you can't keep your body under control you learn it as a crutch.

Kevin Ollie is the worst coach to ever win a National Championship

I assume Kevin Ollie's still looking for a job somewhere worst coach ever to win a National Title.

George Kittle is better than Travis Kelce because he plays in the trenches

[I would take] Kittle. he likes a good 30 in the London in the trenches... he picks up people and he drops them and when he got when he gets that ball he doesn't want to be tackled.

LeBron James added six years to his career by missing the playoffs last year

I swear to God last year like just probably added another six years to his career just being able to sit out... it's incredible that he's still [playing like this].

James Harden didn't poop himself; it was just bad wiping

I'm like a poop spatter analysis guy and to me that just looked like his prolonged exposure to small amounts of poop that was on his butt. I'm just thinking he didn't wipe well. That's not like a shit myself top-down stain.

If Tom Brady wins with the Chargers, he's officially better than Eli Manning

If he went to the Chargers and then read far back and prove once and for all... if he's able to win with the Chargers [he is better than Eli Manning].