Takes

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.

Mark Stevens pushed Kyle Lowry because his 4K technology makes him think the players aren't real

He's exposed to all the finest in 4K 3D technology when it comes to watching these games live. He's probably watched games on his couch where it felt like the players were diving into his living room. So he's probably comfortable shoving at them and getting away with it because they're not real. So when he's at a game, he can't tell what's in the Matrix and what's real life.

The Jonas Brothers are actually not losers and their documentary is good

My Firefest of the week is that I watched a Jonas Brothers documentary, and I actually really liked them. You go in and you're like, oh, Jonas Brothers, those guys are losers. Only teenage girls like them... Then you watch the documentary. You realize they were grinding for three years.

Cord cutters are not real sports fans

People who are cord cutters are not sports fans. I'm just going to say it right now. Because you are buffering and you're watching a minute behind. You care more about the money you're saving than sports, than the actual sports and being up to date. You are not a real sports fan.

The tour-based model is the best way for a niche sport like lacrosse to make a national impact

We're tour-based. ... When you're a smaller sport like lacrosse, we needed to capitalize on the players, on venues and distribution. ... If we were to label cities to them, that we would just be really local and we wouldn't be able to capitalize on this national growth. ... Some fan in San Francisco and New York can just pick their allegiance.

For the health of the Premier Lacrosse League, Paul Rabil needs to get into a fight in week one

You got to fight like week one to get it out there. Like you know that right? Like for the health of the league, you have to fight.

If you own $500,000 worth of any singular product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it

I actually have a theory that if you own $500,000 worth of any product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it. ... But any singular product. ... Like Dwight Howard's snakes.

Zdeno Chara is the sports respecter of journalism of the year for writing down answers with a broken jaw

Zdeno Chara has a broken jaw, he can't speak, and he still met with the press and answered questions by writing down his answers. Class act. ... The respecter of journalism of the year. Sports player who respects journalism the most of the year.

Paul Pierce is a coward who didn't actually poop his pants in the 2008 Finals

Paul Pierce... I actually don't really buy it. I don't buy it either. I think he admitted as much that he was just using it kind of to get a headline as a joke. ... I think Paul Pierce has just waited till it's been like the tide has turned on it. And he's like, now it's safe to say this. So he's doing it. He's kind of a coward. And he's not only a coward, but he's doing it. And I don't think he actually had to poop his pants. I think he just thought he was really, really injured.

I am a 49ers and Michigan fan

Professional football teams would have to be the 49ers. ... I have to be the 49ers. I love Joe Montana. ... [College?] Go blue. Michigan.

People who chase TV ratings on the internet are the absolute worst

People who chase ratings might be the worst people on the internet... They don't even care about the sport. They just care about the next morning. How many people watch and how can I spin this to fit my exact narrative that I'm trying to throw out?

The New York Yankees' no-beard policy is the dumbest rule in all of sports

[The New York Yankees' no-beard policy] is the dumbest rule in all sports. What happens if [Dallas Keuchel] signed? I would love to see Scott Boras right now if he finds out that Keuchel already gave away the beard in the negotiation for free.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT over LeBron James because of his leadership

Michael Jordan, he has a leadership. That's the most important thing. As a player, as an athlete, you have a leadership... in a basketball game, if you're a superstar in the team, you have to lead your team.

Kobe Bryant is better than LeBron James

If you're a LeBron stan, take a moment, have a little self-reflection, and realize Kobe's better than LeBron.

LeBron James is the greatest loser in NBA history

[LeBron James] will forever be known as being absolutely great at not succeeding... perhaps the best loser ever.

Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of the Warriors

I'm talking myself into the take that Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of that Warriors team. Clay will come in and he'll shoot like seven for 10.

Anthony Joshua fights like a 5'10" man despite being 6'6"

Anthony Joshua just couldn't keep Andy Ruiz from charging in at him... Joshua is 6'6", but he fights like he's 5'10". Like he doesn't use that height to his advantage.

We would easily beat the Warriors if we started the 4th quarter with a 100-point lead

No, easy. We win by 30 [if we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter].

We would still lose to the Warriors even with a 100-point lead in the 4th quarter

I think we would still lose and it would be like hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time.

I am stronger than Steph Curry and could box him out

I actually do think I'm stronger than Steph Curry... I could box Steph Curry out... I got a much bigger ass. My ass is... Steph does not know how to handle an ass.

St. Louis pizza is just a saltine cracker with ketchup and American cheese

I learned something new about the St. Louis culinary tradition every year, whether it's their pizza, which my understanding is like saltine cracker with ketchup, and then like a lunchable cheddar... American cheese.

Being ignored at a roast is meaner than being made fun of

That's almost meaner [to go soft]. If I ignore you at a roast, it means either you can't take it or I don't care about you.

Doug Gottlieb is classless for blaming RJ Hampton's parents for his decision to play in New Zealand

To call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move, dude. Just a weird, weird move... it's a crazy move to call an 18-year-old a douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself.

I agree with Scottie Pippen's decision to sue a five-year-old for drawing on his walls

Scottie Pippen... he's suing a five-year-old. But I read it, and I actually agree with him. So essentially... the people trashed the house, and part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls, and it was most likely a five-year-old. So boom, you're getting sued. I like that.

I am sick of The Rock posting relatable cheat meals while he's in peak physical condition

I'm putting The Rock on my hot seat because I'm sick of him posting his cheat meals. Being like, look how relatable this is, guys. I don't know if you noticed this, but like every month, Rock will post a huge pancake or something. And be like, damn, look at this cheat meal I'm about to devour. Being like, everyone out there, you know what it's like to eat like shit. Yeah, Rock, we eat like shit every fucking day. You're not cool because you eat a big pancake once every 30 days and you can deadlift 1,000 pounds and you spend your life in a fucking gym.

Intermittent fasting is the easiest thing in the world

No, [intermittent fasting] is the easiest thing in the world... You just don't eat for longer in the morning and a little bit longer before bed... you have 12 hours that you should not eat throughout the day. During your nighttime sleep cycle, say you have your dinner and your dinner ends at 7 p.m., you should not have anything in your body except water.

Eli Manning is probably a great French kisser because his mouth stays open all the time

He probably actually is a pretty good French kisser because his mouth just stays open at all times.

USC is in California; South Carolina should stop calling themselves USC

I can't stand when South Carolina people refer to themselves as USC. That's the worst. You're not USC. USC is in California. I'm sorry. It's just the truth.

Skip Bayless is the real winner of the 2019 NBA Finals no matter the outcome

Skip Bayless is the real winner of these NBA finals, no matter what happens... Because if the Warriors win, it's an indictment on Kawhi. And Skip gets to say, number two, I told you he was number two. And if the Raptors win, it's a big win for Skip Bayless because then he can retroactively use that and say it means less that LeBron James beat that Warriors team without KD back in 2016 because Kawhi also did it.

Lacrosse and baseball should make goals worth more points to make the final score look cooler

You know what they really need to do in lacrosse? They need to make the goals worth more than one point. It's an easy fix for baseball, too, if you want to draw more attention to your sport. Like in football, a touchdown is really one score, but it's worth six, which makes the final score look so much cooler. In lacrosse, if every goal was worth five points and the final score was 100 to 98.

Joey Salads having sex thousands of times without a pregnancy means he has 'beta sperm'

Actually, admitting that you've never gotten pregnant when your main point is just pulling out. That tells me you've got beta sperm, bro. You got a little tiny dead fish in there.

Illinois is a second-tier state because it's only Chicago and bad weather

I put Illinois in my second tier as a state just because I like the city of Chicago in the summertime. But people are big mad. Apparently, Illinois is not a well-liked state even by people that live inside of Illinois... Illinois is never going to be on the same level as California's, the Florida's, the Hawaii's.

If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you should be excommunicated

There's actually no state worse to be in and not be able to chug a beer than the state of Wisconsin. If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you've got to get out instantly.

Drake is a Canadian version of a trash-talker who waits to respond via subtle social media changes

That's the most Canadian response ever to a disc track is to just wait and then subtly change your social media. Yeah, take as much time as possible. That's as mean as they get in Canada.

In college basketball, you must 'plant a flag' and never lose games at home to build a real program

You just have to set that tone like you can't lose at home. If you're going to build a real program, you've got to plant a flag in your home arena.

None of the 2019 quarterback prospects except Kyler Murray would have been first-rounders in the 2018 draft

And if you put... Any of those guys in last year's draft, I don't think any of them except Kyler would have been a first-round pick.

Direct messages on Twitter or Instagram officially count as 'texting' for reporting purposes

A text is a tweet, a DM, an Instagram DM, an Instagram comment... Broussard did the classic thing where... he says that Kevin Durant and he exchanged many DMs... he's not having it [the debate if a DM is a text]. It's all just a text now.

RBIs are the most important and only truly meaningful stat in baseball

RBIs are actually the most important stat when you actually look at it... The team who has the most RBIs... I'm not even counting runs anymore.

Drake is the worst for rubbing the coach's shoulders on the sideline

Drake is the worst. He is the star of the show up in Canada. So he was rubbing Nick Nurse's shoulders, giving him a little massage on the sidelines. You know what, Drake? You're from Canada. You should know better. It's like the Stanley Cup. You don't touch your coach's shoulders during a game until you win the title.

St. Louis Cardinals fans have been pieces of shit forever

The St. Louis-Chicago rivalry, St. Louis Cardinals fans have been pieces of shit forever with the way they treat Cubs. Best fans in baseball. Careful. Anyone who's listening right now is a Cardinals fan. They'll admit this. They made all the jokes. They said the Cubs would never win one.

Blake Bortles has the leadership and experience to not flinch in big-time games

Jared and [Bortles] have a great relationship and anytime that you can get a guy like Blake where when you meet him... he's one of those guys, he's got a great demeanor where you're like, you know, this guy feels like a quarterback, a leader. Then you hear him a couple days out here just the way he commands a huddle you can see why his teammates believe in him... [He] has been in those types of games, in those atmospheres where you know he's not going to flinch.

Cliff Kingsbury is 'system hot' and hides behind his sunglasses

I think Cliff is fake hot. I think he's not as hot as advertised. I think he's system hot. He hides behind the sunglasses. He's tall. Yeah, he hides behind the sunglasses like a real coward.

The Warriors are more fun to watch without Kevin Durant

The question now is, are the Warriors better without Kevin Durant? I think what you're seeing is they're more fun to watch without Kevin Durant. They are absolutely more fun to watch. They play a more interesting brand of basketball. Steph Curry is allowed to be Steph Curry.

The Game of Thrones finale felt like they were just playing SimCity at the end

They're sitting around like the ending of Seinfeld sitting in the jail... It turned into them playing Sim City around the table at the end you're like okay we got to build the electric power plant but make sure that's not too close to the residential neighborhoods.

If Jon Snow told Grey Worm he killed Daenerys, Grey Worm would have killed him instantly

If Jon Snow told Grey Worm that he killed Daenerys, Grey Worm would have killed him. In a second. They didn't show any of that.

The Warriors are Draymond Green's team

The Warriors are a lot of fun to watch right now and I'm gonna say it it's Draymond's team... He had 16, 10, and 7 was everywhere. He is the heartbeat of the Warriors. He unlocks Steph Curry to score 37 points.

I do not count my 2017 NBA Championship as earned

To be honest with you, I really don't count that championship... I got hurt going into the playoffs... and I'm always someone that like, I've never been given anything. So to me, I always wanted to earn it. And I felt like because I wasn't out there, you know, on the court with my guys sweating and fighting that it was kind of really just it was given to me.

My best NBA games were played while high

My best games in the NBA were high... After [shootaround] I would go home, I'd smoke a joint, then I would take a nap. And then I'd wake up, shower, eat, and bounce... It was probably within four or five hours of the game possibly.

Baron Davis would be one of the all-time greats if he had stayed healthy

Best all-around point guard I ever played with, Baron Davis. When he's healthy, no question. If Baron Davis would have had a healthy career, he'd be talked about as one of the greats. There's no question about that.