Takes

Kevin Durant is the best player in the world

Kevin Durant to me is the best player in the world right now and will probably go down as one of the most efficient, effective offensive players we've ever seen.

Bran Stark being King makes perfect sense because he knows all of history

They elect Bran... because he knows all of history... he's literally a walking, well, not walking, sorry... rolling history book. He's the perfect one for the realm... He's above everyone.

NCAA Football is the greatest video game of all time

NCAA video game is back. Well, maybe back. NCAA formed a committee to bring back the NCAA football game. And this is the greatest news I think that has ever happened in my life. Because that game is the best game ever.

Golf courses should be shortened to 14 or 15 holes to be more fun

How do you speed up the game? Literally, I would just make it like 15 holes, 14 holes... Because then you get to go in the 19th hole a little bit quicker... It gets boring from like hole 5 to 12. You're just like, where am I right now?

Golfers wear metal spikes just to hear the clicking sound on concrete

I don't wear the spikes... soft spikes. [Some] guys wear the metal ones. I have no idea why. I think it's just to hear the click clack when they're walking over concrete... to make them feel like athletes.

Hannah B. is a bad Bachelorette because she cried too much in the first episode

I'm not a Hannah B fan whatsoever, so I would grade it like a C. The season's going to be tough. If you're the Bachelorette and you cry over the first guy, it's like you're the Bachelorette, you have 30 guys. One guy fucks you over, you're supposed to kick him to the curb and move on.

Nursing school graduation is a second-tier event that doesn't require a video recording

Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation? No. Nursing school, that means it's probably your second graduation, right? So you probably already had a degree. Maybe if you were a doctor [it would matter].

Damian Lillard has a 'winner's face'

He's got a winner's chin. Have you ever seen that thing? If I'm doing the old school facial recognition, like this guy's a winner, this guy's not, Damian Lillard, he's got a winner's face.

I would want Robert Horry taking a last-second shot over Kobe Bryant

[Big Cat asks: Who would you rather have taking that last shot?] Robert. Robert, yeah, Big Shot Bob. Big Shot Bob. There was never any doubt at the end of the game. He could have three points that game, and he had the ball, he was going to make it.

Jason Kidd is a bad coach

I don't understand what the Lakers are doing. Their obsession with Jason Kidd is very bizarre. Jason Kidd is a bad coach. He's a bad coach.

Jon Snow is responsible for the massacre at King's Landing because he wouldn't sleep with Daenerys

Jon Snow should get some of this blame because if he just had sex with her, she probably wouldn't have gone crazy. Exactly. Just sack up and fuck your aunt and save millions of lives... You can flip out while you watch a city burn and be like, we shouldn't be doing this. Or you can just squeeze off a nut the night before.

Brad Stevens was labeled a 'genius' by the media far too early in his career.

Brad Stevens' biggest issue is that he was inaugurated a genius too early. Like he was called a genius basically from winning nothing... the national media had him as, like, Pop.

Modern baseball players lifting heavy weights leads to more oblique and muscle injuries compared to the past.

Aaron Judge, someone wrote an article that said it's because they lift too many weights... Baseball players look like linebackers... I personally [think it has something to do with higher injury], yeah, with all the obliques and stuff like that.

If modern teams used the defensive shift against George Brett, he would have hit .450.

If they put the shift on me, I'm not bullshitting you. I'd hit 450. Because I could hit a ground ball to the shortstop or third baseman whenever I wanted... I stood far enough off the plate that it didn't matter.

Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez should not be in the Hall of Fame.

[Barry Bonds, in or out?] Out. Alex Rodriguez. Oh. [Steroid era guys] had already broke my record... they were always saying, if they let these guys in, I'm never coming back. And I respect their opinion.

The Chicago Cubs organization banned the 'circle game' fan without a proper investigation to gain positive PR.

If the Cubs didn't actually investigate it and they were like, hey, we can get a quick fucking W here before we have Addison Russell, who is a shitty person... Cubs, if you didn't actually, if Crane Kenney didn't actually investigate this, I fucking hope he did. Because if he didn't and he was just like, we got to catch a quick W right here. Yeah, that sucks.

Bill Belichick manipulated Sean McVay into watching too much film for Super Bowl LIII by praising his dedication.

I believe that Bill Belichick knew that [Sean McVay] was going to go and watch too much film... He's been calling Sean McVay all season long... Telling him stuff and being like, Sean, one thing I really admire about you is your dedication to film study.

Game of Thrones should end in a way that makes the most fans angry.

I'm at the point where I'm now rooting for them to do whatever will make people the most angry... I just want them to do whatever. There's a lot of things people are excited for, and I want them to fuck it all up.

Nick Nurse is an awful name for a head coach

Nick Nurse is an awful name for a head coach. I stand by that take.

I do not miss LeBron James in the NBA playoffs anymore

I don't miss LeBron. I don't miss LeBron in these playoffs anymore. I missed him in the first round. The first round felt hollow without LeBron. But I do not miss LeBron anymore because these are the best playoffs we've had in a very long time.

Kyrie Irving is primarily to blame for the Celtics' disappointing season

Kyrie, one. Far and away. He's supposed to be the leader. He's the guy. He kind of fucked himself here because the whole way he left Cleveland, he's like, I want to be the guy. You're going to get judged as the guy.

Hollywood lacks real stories because it is run by third-generation nepotism

I think Hollywood just didn't see like they thought that they just like narrowed everybody's mind and cornered them and owned them so much and corporations that they had just owned them so much that they could do whatever they want with them... it's nepotism now. It's a lot of third generation. Nobody from the middle of America. Nobody has any stories.

Joe Rogan is like a golden retriever that's brave enough to do DMT

I think Joe Rogan's the best interviewer because he's curious. He's genuinely curious. He's like a golden retriever that's brave enough to do DMT.

Steph Curry gets the least criticism of any superstar in sports for playing poorly

Watching [Steph Curry] play and watching him shoot and get hot is awesome. But there is not one single superstar that I've ever seen in any sport that gets less shit for sucking than Steph Curry.

Kevin Durant is the most unguardable human being ever created

What I'm saying is that when you look at all these guys [MJ, Shaq, Kobe, LeBron]... [Durant] does things at such an efficient level and at such a high rate. He's a seven-foot two-guard. He shoots 90% from the free-throw line. He's shooting 50% from three right now... if you had to create a basketball player, I think the two guys that you would create are probably Bron and KD for very different reasons.

To fix the Lakers, the front office needs to be cleared and someone should be stolen from the Spurs

I would change everyone that's in my front office, and then I would go and steal someone from the Spurs... There needs a lot more checks and balances. I think even Jeanie Buss needs somebody that can tell her no or can go in there and win an argument. And it doesn't have to be someone that she's friends with for 20 years.

Scott Foster is the best referee for a road team because he is a 'dickhead' who ignores the home crowd

There are certain referees that you want to see going into an arena... if I was going into Boston on the road, I want to see Scott Foster. Those kind of dickheads, those assholes, those guys that are kind of just like, leave me alone, I have to do my job. Those are the guys that I want. If anything, if the home team or the home crowd starts acting like jerks, they will actually go the other way.

Daenerys Targaryen is the worst dragon owner of all time

Daenerys is the worst leader of all time... she gets her fucking dragons killed every single turn. She's the worst dragon owner of all time. Honestly. Like, they would come and take those dragons away. Be like, you are not fit to own a dragon because everywhere you go, the dragon gets killed. fly them up in the stratosphere dude they can't hit them up there she's so stupid.

Sansa Stark is the biggest snitch in the Seven Kingdoms

Sansa's the biggest snitch of all time... Ned Stark kept that secret for his whole life. He basically died for that secret. Jon [Snow] went to his sisters... he made them swear. The second she got a chance she went running to Daenerys's hand [Tyrion].

The Trail Blazers have the best home-court advantage in the NBA playoffs

The Trailblazers, I would contend, yeah, I'm going to say it, they probably have the best home court advantage in the playoffs.

Kevin Durant vs. Michael Jordan is a legitimate debate

People are saying—I'm not saying. People are saying should the debate be Kevin Durant versus Michael Jordan... I kind of agree.

3-1 in the Finals is a better record than 3-6 when comparing Durant and LeBron

So he's [Durant] got the same amount of rings... It feels like three and one better than three and six. We could go all day, folks. We could cherry pick all day.

I will never cord-cut because streaming sports is too unreliable

I have so many boxes... my cable bill is like probably $400 a month. I watched a bowl game with [a friend] two years ago... It buffered so many fucking times. I had money on the game, and I was sitting there like, what is happening right now? I could never cord cut.

NBA players and fans are soft for cheering an injury comeback that NHL players do routinely

I saw that asshole from the Cavs [Kevin Love]... broke his nose and came back with a fucking mask on and got a standing ovation. Are you shitting me? Ryan Malone on Pittsburgh... got a slap shot directly in the face... shoved a couple tampons out there and came back, no mask, no standing ovation for him.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

Raiders and Giants draft grades are an automatic F every year

You can pencil in the Raiders for an F every year. You can pencil in the Giants for an F every year. You can pencil in the Redskins usually for an A every year. And that usually works out pretty well for us.

The Vladimir Guerrero Jr. hype will get old by mid-season

MLB, I will say, they're kind of overdoing. Every time he does anything, they're like, Vladimir Guerrero, Vladimir Guerrero... I think halfway through the season, it's going to get a little old.

I would rather be a zombie than be canceled

We're going to all cancel each other until we're the army of the dead. And I'm okay with that. I'm on the record being fine with being a zombie army. You don't have a lot to worry about when you're literally dead.

HBO failed the viewers by making the Battle of Winterfell too dark to see

I will stand and die on the hill that I still want to be able to watch the television show... I'm very happy that the White Walkers are dead because that was always my least favorite part of this show... I couldn't see shit. No, seriously. I could not see shit.

Kyler Murray is lying about The Great Gatsby being his favorite movie

I'm pretty sure Kyler Murray is the kind of guy that likes the Great Gatsby because he thinks Gatsby's cool as hell right? And he like throws these sick parties and he's just a boss. He does the Leo dance 15 years after it was cool... There was nothing cool about that book or that movie.

April has the worst weather of any month because of its inconsistency

April has the worst weather of any month... Because you can't fucking plan for it. It's cold. It's still the winter. Then it's hot. Then it's cold again. Then it rains... I would rather at least know January's going to suck no matter what.

Bran Stark is an annoying character who ruins every scene he is in

Bran, I hope that fuck gets skull fucked in the middle of the field because he's so awkward. It's the guy in the wheelchair. I know Lieutenant Bran. He's so annoying. He ruins every scene.

Josh Rosen has a slightly higher evaluation grade than any quarterback in the 2019 draft class

But I still think [Josh Rosen] is slightly, in terms of my grades, I've got him rated a little bit higher than the quarterbacks in this class.

9 inches is the absolute cutoff point for NFL quarterback hand size to be successful

Nine's the cutoff point for usually having success moving forward. So, yeah. I think there is a validity to that. Outlier would be Tony Romo, and you don't draft outliers.

No other quarterback could survive in Pittsburgh like Big Ben

There's no other quarterback in the league can play in Pittsburgh the way [Roethlisberger] have played... he's just a tough son of a gun.

Jared Dudley is a clown

I'm just going to say totally unbiased, even though I'm biased because I don't like Jared Dudley because he denied an interview on Pardon My Take and canceled last second. I think Jared Dudley's a clown.

Demaryius Thomas beat the Steelers in the 2011 playoffs, not Tim Tebow

It wasn't Tebow. It was DT... DT gave me a mean ass stiff arm... Everybody was like, Tebow Mania. I mean, it was. But that was DT, man.

Le'Veon Bell's absence accelerated Antonio Brown's departure from the Steelers

The locker room wasn't the locker room until Le'Veon left. Le'Veon is the mediator of everything... his absence, you think, helped accelerate the Antonio Brown stuff? For me, 100%.

The NBA should have a 'kill switch' rule for playoff games decided by 35+ points

In a playoff series, if a team wins by a certain amount... in basketball if they beat them by 35-plus, the series is automatically over right there. We just fast forward and we save everybody the time. If you get beat by 35 points, it's just the kill switch. And it would make blowouts exciting because teams would be having to try really hard in game one.

Modern weed has become too good and it actually sucks now

My first personal Fyre Fest is weed. Just pot. I don't like smoking really good weed. I think really good weed has gotten so good that it sucks. I like nice, kind bud. Like a decent KB is what I'm about. If you give me something... orange crystals... I'm like, no, I don't want to smoke that because I'm going to feel like I'm on the moon and I don't want to be on the moon. I want to be like in the clouds.