Takes

Led Zeppelin is the greatest stage band of all time

Band band, like get up there and kick ass on a stage, it's Led Zeppelin. It's not even close. They invented a different genre of music... It's because they're the greatest.

There are only three quarterbacks in the NFL worth a 4-year, $140 million contract

There are three quarterbacks in all the NFL that you would give this deal to... Aaron Rodgers already got it. Russell Wilson just got it. Patrick Mahomes is the third. There's not anyone else. You can't think of any other guys.

Neil Armstrong is a more significant Purdue alum than I am

I'd say that's pretty significant, though, what Neil Armstrong accomplished. So I'd have to put him up there [above me].

Blake Snell was actually having sex in the shower when he hurt his toe

Dude, you're having sex in the shower. Like that was a really long way of just saying, hey, I was having sex in the shower and I stubbed my toe.

Christian Yelich will ruin his swing if he participates in the Home Run Derby

Real talk. It's going to mess up his swing if he competes in the home run derby... You're going to fuck up your swing.

Max Kellerman farted on 'First Take' because he's terrified of Stephen A. Smith

I think he did fart, and I think it's because Stephen A. Smith has just been owning him with debates... Kellerman is scared of Stephen A. Smith. He is absolutely frightened by the very sight of him.

The 2019 Masters was a bad weekend for the Augusta National course

I don't think I root for the course anymore. The course got embarrassed. This was a bad weekend for the course. Yeah, low scores.

Jimmy Butler screwed up the 76ers' chemistry

I think Jimmy Butler came in and screwed up the whole chemistry. That's what I think. Simmons can't shoot. It's so much easier to defend in the playoffs.

Masters Sunday is the biggest napping day of the year

Everybody watches the Masters by themselves, maybe with their dad, maybe with a roommate or something like that, but it is the one day a year where you can take part in the biggest sporting event of that sport of the year and just sit there and chill, fall asleep, take a nap. It's the biggest Seebs Day of the year.

Chris Davis's hitless streak is actually fun to watch

Do you feel bad for Chris Davis, who is now 0 for 53? [PFT]: No, because it's so much fun to watch. And if the Orioles were going to be a threat to do anything this year, then maybe I would be. But he's helping them.

The best sports teams are usually the luckiest ones

To me, it seems like the best teams are always the ones that get the luckiest. You can make the case like, oh, Tom Brady shouldn't have as many Super Bowls because the interception bailed him out at the end of the Seattle game... But it turns out that if you have luck that adds up a lot, you're probably just good.

Instant replay should have a shot clock to keep the game moving

We should just have a shot clock on the replays because that would be thrilling. If the ref only has a certain amount of time... if they can't find the replay fast enough, guess what? Tough shit.

Jimmy Kimmel is no longer a 'guy's guy' because he thinks 'One Shining Moment' is bad

That's when Jimmy stopped being a guy's guy. [When he said] that one shining moment lived out its one shining moment 15 years ago... that it's not cool anymore.

The Masters deserves all the hype it gets and cannot be overhyped

You can't overhype the Masters. Take your microphone off. That's a bad take. The Masters deserve all the hype.

Patrick Reed's Masters menu is what a 14-year-old thinks an adult dinner looks like

This menu really is like what a 14 year old would think an adult's menu looks like. He basically was forced to be like well I like steak and and I don't really like anything else I like macaroni and cheese I'm surprised chicken fingers weren't on here.

Tiramisu is an overrated dessert

The dessert is weird. It's tiramisu. Tiramisu is overrated, by the way.

Being a sports fan is way harder than being a professional player

It's totally different as a fan. It's almost more nerve-wracking. You just feel so hopeless... As a fan, I am just, man, I, uh, I'm, I'm a basket case... being a fan is way harder than being a player.

Aaron Rodgers isn't a malicious teammate, just passive-aggressive

I don't think that Aaron Rodgers is as bad as the article might have made him out to be. I don't think he is a maliciously bad teammate. I think he is very passive-aggressive and will cut someone off probably pretty quickly.

Auburn's loss to Virginia is the worst possible way to lose a Final Four game

Auburn, I would say that might be the worst possible way to lose a Final Four game of all time... hitting three free throws in that situation, that's the shit you do in your backyard, and you miss two out of three, and you're like, all right, redo. He was money on all three. And Auburn, I would say that might be the worst possible way to lose a Final Four game of all time.

Kirk Cousins is an average quarterback who doesn't motivate anyone

Kirk Cousins also gave the pregame speech which is perfectly Kirk Cousins. It was, it didn't motivate a single person and I honestly don't think like Michigan State like didn't lose the game as much as Texas Tech was just so fucking good.

Paul Pierce's career ceiling was Dwyane Wade with arthritis

I think at the height of Paul Pierce's career, he was still like Dwyane Wade with arthritis. That was his ceiling.

The '7 seconds or less' Suns actually played good defense, but it was overshadowed by their scoring

We did play defense. That's the sad [part]. It got overshadowed because we were scoring so much... I think especially some guys play horrible individual defenders but great team defenders... Steve [Nash] was a great—he wasn't the best on-ball defender, but he's a great team defender.

The 2006 Suns were better than the 2007 team that everyone thinks should have won the title

Everybody speculates thinking [2007] was the year we should have won the championship... I don't. [The year before that] was better... I was physically, mentally drained because I was going from Sam Cassell to Elden Brand and Chris Kaman. From Kobe to Lamar to Ron Artest... Then I had to go against Dirk. My body was shut. I was tired. I was dead tired.

LeBron James shows his teammates up too much on the court

I think he shows his teammates up a little bit too much on the court. You know, and, you know, that's just part of him. I mean, you know, he kind of feel like he earned that. And I mean, that's him... but that's one of the things I don't like he does.

The Jets should release new, shittier uniforms every year to match the state of the franchise

The Jets should almost come out with new shittier versions of their uniform every year because that goes right along with the state of the franchise. And it's probably if you can get the people talking about how bad your uniforms are, that's a great distraction for the Jets.

The Undertaker is the most intimidating person in the world

Undertaker is the most intimidating person. There is nothing more intimidating. When he steps in that ring, it's just magical. He's literally a dead man walking.

Referees and umpires are more entertaining when they stand up for themselves

I like umps that stand up for themselves. I think that we've done umps a disservice recently... I like it when they stand up for themselves, when they have a thing like Country Joe West. It's kind of fun knowing that there's a guy out there who's absolutely not what people paid to watch that thinks that he's what people paid to watch.

I am one of many number one tight ends in the NFL

Man, I think there's a lot of number one tight ends right now... I'm going to keep going now. It's working for me so far... [Who's the best?] Gronk and Tony.

John Calipari's lifetime contract actually proves he was on the hot seat

This also, I think, proves that we were right all along by saying Cal's on the hot seat because you don't give a lifetime deal if a guy's not on a hot seat. You know what I mean? You just let it ride out because you're like, it's fine... To do this drastic deal for life, that feels like they're trying to get in front of the hot seat that probably was very, very hot.

Tom Izzo is overrated until he wins a second title

Tom Izzo himself is on board the Tom Izzo is overrated bandwagon. He said that he needs another title to validate his time there as a head coach. Okay, so I'm going to consider that a win for myself. And if he wins this year, then guess what? I'm taking him off my overrated list.

Upperclassmen leadership is the difference in the NCAA tournament

Sometimes you run across a Michigan State team that's as physical and have maybe a little more junior and senior leadership than we had. And that makes a huge difference in the tournament if you have some upperclassmen that give you some experience.

The one-and-done era has watered down both college and NBA basketball

And it's watered down the game a little bit. And then everyone leaving early for the NBA, I think, waters down the NBA a little bit. But it's hard to stop kids from pursuing their dream.

There is no such thing as a clutch gene

Is the clutch gene real? No, not real at all.

The New York Giants draft hat looks like it has a barbed wire tattoo

The Giants one looks like it's got a barbed wire tattoo around the entire hat, which is very appropriate for the fan base.

LeBron James has smelly breath and halitosis

LeBron James has smelly breath, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Not just because of the wine, but because LeBron definitely is surrounded by yes men, and he probably just does his halitosis breath in everyone's face. You think Maverick Carter's going to be like, hey, Bron, how about a fucking piece of Trident?

Zion Williamson was the college basketball season and his departure leaves a hole in the Final Four.

I'm going to miss Zion a lot because he was so much fun to watch this season. He was the college basketball season, and he leaves like a hole in all of our hearts for the Final Four. Zion was the only one who, like, wanted it, I felt like, a lot of times during this Duke run.

Tom Izzo is a very overrated coach because he does not win enough championships.

I still think that Izzo is very, very, very overrated. Final fours. Yeah, that's fine... When was the last time they won a championship? I'm about rings, dude. I don't know about you. I don't care about Final Fours, all that bullshit.

Coach K and John Calipari are more focused on building their brands than winning basketball games.

Cal and Coach K are not playing the same game as everyone else. They're not trying to win basketball games. They're trying to win their brand. They're trying to build their brands and keep the machine just churning. And they don't want anyone to notice.

Coach K has entered the 'Paterno phase' of his career where he is no longer actually coaching.

First of all, can we just acknowledge that [Coach K] has entered the Paterno phase of his career where he's just trying not to shit his pants as the game's going on. He's not actually coaching. That's the thing. This season was such a disaster from Duke... How do you have a team full of freshmen get worse as the season goes on?

Matt Painter is the new Bo Ryan

Matt Painter, the new Bo Ryan.

Tennessee should not be allowed to wear their Indiana-style warm-up colors

My big takeaway was the Tennessee uniforms. They should not be allowed to wear those pants and those warm-ups and those colors. Those are Indianas. Those are Indianas.

The fact that Philly fans booed Bryce Harper on the first day is why Philly is great

Reacting to a 13-year contract on the first day is so fucking awesome, and that's why Philly is great. It does set a tone.

Good coaches make talented players like Jordan Howard fit their offense instead of trading them

Being like [Jordan Howard] doesn't fit our offense, good coaches make talented players fit their offense.

Mike Brown is a guy who just gets 'bumped' and alpha'd

Ever since LeBron bumped Mike Brown, I'm like, Mike Brown could just be bumped. He's a guy who just can be bumped... You get bumped on national television once, everyone just can kind of alpha you and bump you.

Sports owners focus much more on winning than making money

I think most owners in sports are much more focused on winning than they are making money from the business... I think they think winning first. And if you win, then profits follow.

Cliff Kingsbury is too pretty to win a Super Bowl

Cliff Kingsbury, that guy's too fucking smooth... you can't win a Super Bowl looking that pretty.

A team's connectedness is more important than talent or coaching

You can't be in the Sweet 16, or it's rare if you're in the Sweet 16, if you think it's only based on talent or if it's only based on coaching. There have to be a lot of other intangibles... it's the connectedness of your staff and the example that your staff sets for your team.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end of all time

Yes, Gronk [is the GOAT]. I'm kind of upset he retired. I wish he stayed one more year because we were playing the Patriots this year.

Tennis balls are definitely green

I already know the answer to it. No, they're green... Yeah, they're probably green. They're definitely green.

Tennis balls are yellow

You think they're yellow. Interesting... I don't go with the sheep.