Takes

You only get to break one TV in your life due to sports anger

I have a take. I think everyone gets one TV in their life to break. If you show that much passion about a team, then you probably have a lively personality... You got one TV to break in your life. Use it wisely.

Men who buy cats are betas who want to be dominated by an animal

You're dealing with a cat guy here. Cat guys are not alphas. Not an expert negotiator. He basically got a cat because he's such a beta that he wants an animal that will dominate him... If you get a cat as a male in the United States past the age of 10 years old because you want it, you should not be allowed to date one of our American women. Go to France.

Middling NBA teams should hire Tom Thibodeau for a short-term boost

If you're any middling NBA team out there, why not hire Tom Thibodeau right now? He's at least good to give you a little bit of juice for a few months. ... He's like steroids. Really good short-term. Bad for your hips.

Carson Wentz isn't a franchise quarterback because he plays recklessly and isn't available

With Wentz, the problem is this. It's not how he plays. It's that he's not available to play. And if you can't keep yourself on the field every week, every year, then how can you call yourself a franchise quarterback? ... Carson Wentz still plays recklessly.

The 2018-19 NFL playoffs are the most wide-open in history

I've been saying it. It is the most wide-open playoffs we've ever had, and I'm excited. Yeah, three of the four games [this weekend] are under a field goal in terms of the point spread.

Bank of America is a terrible company with archaic technology

I'm dealing with the hated Bank of America... Can you imagine Bank of America cannot email things. They can only fax a guy... They sound like you [Big Cat]. My son told me... anybody that uses a fax is by definition an idiot.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT because he doesn't have to say it

You know who doesn't say they're the GOAT? Michael Jordan, because he knows he's the GOAT. You don't have to say it if you know you're the GOAT... Michael Jordan was asked if he was the greatest of all time and he was like, my career is not over.

LeBron James is the Donald Trump of basketball

LeBron James actually has the exact same take on LeBron James being the goat that you had... LeBron won while he was in Ohio. Won in Florida, both of them. Check, check. They've both got weird hair. Check. Check. LeBron can't win in California. Neither can Trump. Check.

Jason Garrett is the dumbest person alive for playing his starters in Week 17

Jason Garrett wins the Are You the Dumbest Person Alive Award for playing all his starters because he desperately – now, I don't know what you think, but I think it was clear that Jason Garrett wanted to win 10 games so that when Jerry Jones goes to his office next year and is like, hey, I'm thinking about firing you, he's like, but I won 10 games.

The strategy of not paying quarterbacks is only true if the quarterback is Kirk Cousins or Matthew Stafford

So essentially the argument that people are tweeting out that you shouldn't pay a quarterback boils down to just don't pay Kirk Cousins or Matt Stafford. That works. That's it... Essentially the entire theory that you should just draft a young quarterback and never pay a quarterback makes no sense because half of the playoffs are quarterbacks that are going to be paid $20 million or more.

Dabo Swinney is the second best head coach in the country

I think Dabo is probably the second best coach in the country. I think he's way better than Brian Kelly. I like the Clemson. I like the Rock.

I would love to run the same offense in the NFL that I ran at Oklahoma

To me, yeah, obviously the easiest answer would be, yeah, I'd love to run the offense I did at Oklahoma. That's because I had three years to do it, and I got so comfortable in it.

It is human nature for an injured player to sometimes root for their team to lose

I don't think you'd be human if there wasn't a part of you that was like, I hope that we lose. It's the competitive nature in you. Kyrie's probably going through the same thing. Like, I wish I was out there. I wish I was helping the team win. I think to compete at this level, you have to have that mentality.

Eli Manning deserves more respect from Giants fans despite being benched

Why are they still playing Eli Manning and benching Blake Bortles? That makes no sense. Eli brought them two championships, even though they were bullshit wins. They count. Eli should get the kind of respect that he deserves from the Giants fans, and all these guys are flipping so quick.

Modern NFL rules favor the offense so much that it is no longer good quality football

It [pisses me off] because the rules favor the offense so much. They favor the offense, and it's frustrating to watch. And fans, for whatever reason, they want to see high-scoring games. And to me, it's not fun. That's not good quality football.

Cam Newton should have dove for the fumble in the Super Bowl

What do you think about Cam's business decision? Yeah, I think you just go for the ball, man. Be a team player.

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in the history of sports

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in any sport in the history of balls. Ever since a ball was invented, no team has had it easier than the Patriots.

Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL

Would you say that Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL? If the Chiefs are playing, I have an option to watch that game. I'm watching that game every single time.

NBA players would dominate the NFL as wide receivers and tight ends

I think NBA players playing football. All the way around. I think most NBA players could probably play wide receiver or tight end. That would be my answer.

College basketball's five-foul rule is bullshit

He's saying the five fouls are bullshit. Well, guess what? It is. Fix it. Yeah, it is bullshit. It makes the game way less enjoyable to see a star player get subbed out in the first half after like 10 minutes.

It is harder to stay champion than to become champion

It's hard to be champion, but it's much harder to stay champion. Because when you're a champion, you're up there. Everybody's been studying your game for a long, long time. You only see that guy, you study that guy for maybe a few months. But him, he's been watching you for many years. So he had a lot more time to download your data than you did.

I would rather be able to dunk than suck my own dick

Which would you rather do? [Dunk or suck your own dick]. For me, it's a no-brainer. I'd rather dunk. Yeah, I would dunk.

The peak of life is age 24 or 25

I'd say like 24. Yeah, 24 is a good age, but yeah, 25, because you can rent a beach house in a car. The age where you don't have, you have not gotten old enough to realize life is meaningless. But you're not young enough to be dreading what life is going to look like.

The fumble-out-of-the-end-zone touchback rule is actually good because it rewards defense

You're looking at as the punishment doesn't fit the crime... You should look at it as the reward. It fits the feat. It fits the accomplishment. So if you're the defense and you make a guy fumble through the end zone at the one-yard line, that's an awesome play by our defense. You should get a big reward for that.

LeBron James would be the best netball player in the world right now

How long do you think it would take for LeBron James to be the best netball player in the world? Probably he is right now already.

I actually like Carrie Underwood's 'Game On' Sunday Night Football song now

I have maybe been tweeting about that from weeks one through 14, and then week 15... I just started singing it, and I was like, you know what? I give up. I like this song now.

Kawhi Leonard is a robot who does not have emotions

He doesn't have emotions. He's a robot... he doesn't have a heart yet. He laughed, there was some laughing, him and Nick Saban laughed the same way, they both have like a button they're like it is appropriate to laugh now so I will push my tickle button.

I would not swap Mitchell Trubisky's contract for Aaron Rodgers' right now

Big Cat, would you trade Mitchell Trubisky for Aaron Rodgers right now if you had to swap contracts? No. No. If we had to swap contracts, it would be over the cap. You don't read the fucking cap, idiot. I'm a fucking capologist.

Sean McVay's photographic memory is actually a curse when things go poorly

I think Sean McVay's photographic memory is a blessing and a curse because what do they always say? You have to have a short memory to get past the fucked up plays. So having a photographic memory is great when things are going really well. But then when things go really poorly, that's all you think about.

The Eagles cannot go back to Carson Wentz if Nick Foles runs the table and makes the playoffs

If Nick Foles runs the table here and the Eagles get into the playoffs and let's say he wins a game or two, how can you go back to Carson Wentz? This guy, like, that was a game 13.5-point underdogs. Everyone said the Eagles season was over. He's throwing jump balls to Alshon Jeffrey. He's getting the offense going.

Tito Ortiz is literally one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth

I think that [Oscar De La Hoya] is getting a lot of this information from Tito Ortiz who is literally and I'm not just saying this to be real he's one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth he's primate level this guy

Jon Jones would have been the LeBron of MMA if he had his personal life together

If you look at how good Jon Jones is, and if he had his personal life together, what a big star he'd be right now and how much money he would have made. He would have been the LeBron of this sport.

The 'Affliction' and 'True Religion' fashion days of the UFC were horrible

The affliction days were bad. The affliction days were bad. It was so funny you just said that to me because we were looking we were doing all these documentaries about the ufc... affliction horrible those days and the god what were those jeans true religion. Oh my God. I see the true religion jeans and all that stuff I'm like shoot me.

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the same coach: 'the dog in the fire saying this is fine'

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the dogs sitting in the fire saying this is fine at all times. They love to just stand on the sidelines and say to themselves, well, this time it's got to be different. Like we're doing the exact same thing we've done since the beginning of time, but this time it's going to work.

A documentary of Lenny Dykstra looking for God would be the most watched thing ever

This is the greatest story of all time. Lenny Dykstra's pursuit to find God. How is this not a Netflix documentary? This would be the most watched thing of all time. Lenny Dykstra just walking around the world looking for God.

If I am ever on fire, do not piss on me to put it out

I want to say for the record, if I'm ever on fire, don't piss on me. No, just remind me to stop, drop, and roll. It's not going to help unless you're Peter North and have a stream like a fire hose. It's not going to put out the fire. You're just going to be pissing on me as I burn to death.

It is great for golf that Patrick Reed is a villain everyone hates

Patrick Reed, though, he is the bad boy of golf. And I love this because this just keeps his street cred just keeps going up, up, and up. Everyone hates him. Guess what? It's fucking golf. ... It's actually great to have a bad guy in golf.

The term 'rad' is making a comeback with younger kids

I think rad's making a comeback. ... New young kids using rad. Okay. Calling it that Levi's shirts.

Adam Ottavino could strike out Babe Ruth every single time

Adam Ottavino says that he can strike out Babe Ruth every single time. Well, he definitely can right now, Babe Ruth's dead body... [But seriously] Adam Ottavino, I agree. Well, I definitely think so.

Kirk Cousins is just Case Keenum in a tuxedo

Now, what he is, is Case Keenum in a tuxedo. He is the nicest looking version of Case Keenum that you can put together.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.

There should be no preseason or first-month polls in college sports

There should be no polls until like two months into the season anyway. There should be no preseason polls. There should be no first-month polls in college basketball or college football. Take the bias out.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.

Lori Greiner is the scariest Shark on Shark Tank

I'm always afraid of Lori. We're kind of in the same space of bringing consumer products to the market. And she has two platforms. She has a very strong platform with QVC. And she's also, if it's a woman-related product, she can be the face of it... I always have to have a tussle with Lori.

Defense still wins games when the weather gets cold

I'm just going to say it, boys. Once the weather starts getting cold, defense does show up... I think defense still wins games.

Oklahoma should lose the 'Oklahoma Drill' name because they aren't smash-mouth anymore

At what point do we discuss... removing the label Oklahoma from Oklahoma drill. Because they haven't done that in like 50 years.

Bear Weather is 100% real

It's like the perfect meatball thing that you can laugh at, like, ha, ha, ha, bare weather... But then when you're in your heart of hearts, you're like, no, no, that's fucking real. Bare weather is 100% real.

The Chicago Bulls are an absolute laughingstock of an organization

The dysfunction at the Bulls organization. They are an absolute laughingstock of an organization... They are the most... It's like the Chiefs used to be with Scott Pioli and that whole crew. And they're such little, little people. They're so scared of any criticism... Gar Foreman is a little fucking loser.

Joe Flacco should have beaten the Patriots and would have won two Super Bowls — he's more than borderline elite

I'm getting a little steamed up about Joe Flacco because of what you said, borderline elite. People forget he should have beaten the Patriots. He beats the shit out of the Patriots on the road. He should have beaten them in the playoffs that one year. His tight end dropped the ball. His kicker missed a kick. If they had that game won, they would have won another Super Bowl.

Zion Williamson blocking shots into the crowd is effectively a turnover

But when you block a shot and the ball goes into the crowd, that's a turnover. You might as well be turning the ball over, Hank. Why doesn't he catch the balls instead of blocking them?