Takes

Josh Allen is a better running quarterback than Cam Newton

Josh Allen, better running quarterback than Cam Newton.

Shaq and Dwight Howard are more alike than people realize

Shaq and Dwight Howard are more alike than people realize... Shaq is kind of a fucking loser like that too, where he can joke... but if you come at him, he's kind of a baby about it.

Derek Carr is not worth a $20 million salary

I'm not sure that [Derek] Carr's worth the $20 million when you watch him play.

The best USFL teams would have been 7-9 caliber NFL teams

Philadelphia Stars back then would have been a 7-9 NFL team.

Derek Carr is an overrated quarterback

Derek Carr's overrated, I think. It's the Raiders. They've been a gong show forever.

Jon Gruden is intentionally sabotaging the Raiders to get back at Al Davis

I think this might be intentional... he had like a feud with Al Davis and whispered in his ear on Al's deathbed: 'Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I'm going to come back, and I'm going to wreck your franchise.'

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick actually hate each other

I do actually believe that Brady and Belichick hate each other. I think they hate each other, but I think that they have such a productive hate for each other. And they're both such like competitive psychos that it just makes each one of them be better at their jobs.

Blake Bortles destroyed the Pittsburgh Steelers

I was saying, okay, who killed these Pittsburgh Steelers? Was it the Browns? Nope. Was it Patrick Mahomes? Nope. Blake Bortles destroyed the Pittsburgh Steelers by beating them twice last year in their own backyard.

Jason Witten might be a robot

So are we sure Jason Witten is still alive? He is a robot, and I do not understand why they overthink these things so much and just not put Booger McFarland in the studio. You could actually hear Booger McFarland getting mad at Jason Witten.

Route running is the most important skill for a wide receiver

I would say that route running is supreme over every other characteristic of being a receiver. Forget the speed. Forget the height. Forget the vertical. If you're a route runner, you can be so deceptive with everything.

Derek Carr sucks

Chucky is back. And the Raiders are a hot mess. Derek Carr... sucks. He sucks.

Fantasy football dehumanizes NFL players

I hate fantasy football. I just think it just dehumanizes the players. I think you put somebody in a place where they're not real, they're not human... this guy blew his fucking ACL out. Nobody really doesn't care about him as a human being just about how many points can he bring to his team.

Fletcher Cox is the best defensive tackle in the NFL

Who's the best defensive tackle in the league right now? And you can't say yourself. Fletcher Cox. Good answer.

NFL preseason quarters should be shortened to eight minutes

I would cut the preseason down to eight minutes a quarter, too. Because it doesn't make sense to have the game so long, 15 minutes when you know that the game doesn't count... I just think they should cut the minutes down because the risk of losing some of your starters versus the reward of them I don't think is worth it.

85% of NFL players are scared at the moment of contact when tackling

Every time you look at it, it's very rarely that there's a couple guys in the NFL who are really just coming in and they form tackle the right way. But every time people duck their heads, at the moment of contact, 85% of everybody gets scared. If you look at it, people's eyes are closed. They're scared of it. It's human nature.

Serena Williams was being a baby and stole the moment from Naomi Osaka

It felt to me like she was being a little bit of a baby and she was losing and wanted to kind of make a scene. And it sort of stole the moment from the person who actually did win, Naomi Osaka.

You can't take a shit at a friend's house if the bathroom is less than 30 'bathroom feet' away

It's actually a formula that you multiply the number of bathrooms times the feet from the couch to the bathroom. And if it's anything under 30, then you can't take a shit there. So if there's a bathroom 20 feet away from the couch, but there's only one bathroom in the whole house, you can't do it.

Bear Weather is 100% real

Is Bear weather real? Yes, 100%. Nobody wants to play in Chicago past December or November or whatever. Our fans love it. In the winter, they don't care, man. They're going to come out and support no matter what. If you're playing there, you better take advantage of that weather because it's not going to change.

Aaron Rodgers is the toughest quarterback I ever played against

Who's the toughest quarterback you had to play against? Aaron [Rodgers]. His mobility is obviously—his arm is tremendous, but his mobility and they're never in a bad play. You can't trick them.

Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator

I actually think Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator if you gave him just like two years in a dark room with some playbooks. Just showed him the basic concepts and let him just motivate the guys. He's like if Jim Tomsula took LSD at a very young age.

The Browns season of Hard Knocks was better than the Rex Ryan Jets season

Listen, this is the best season of Hard Knocks. This was better than the Rex Ryan season.

Jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear

I actually think jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear because football coaches, they either are in sweatpants or full suit. There is no in-between. It's actually the way to tell the difference between normal human beings and football coaches is if you see someone wearing jeans, you're like, that's a civilian.

I like to root for excellence and the inevitable winner

I like the Red Sox and I like the Yankees. I like the storyline and I like teams that are great. I like excellence. I root for the inevitable. My brother Chad is a longtime Browns fan and Bengals fan and he just dwells in his misery. He's the exact opposite of me in that way. I like people who are good at what they do.

LeBron James carries the ball on every single possession

I love LeBron, but we used to call carries. He carries on every possession. Every possession. He palms and also he's got that hand out [stiff arm]. So he's allowed to hand check.

The Kobe/Shaq Lakers three-peat team would destroy the Steph Curry Warriors

I think that the Kobe/Shaq three-peat team would destroy Steph Curry's team. Because who would guard Shaq? Look, if they're going to bomb from outside and beat you, they will beat you, and that's it. But they're not coming inside, so just let them do it. Live and die by the three.

Beards are the reason Civil War movies don't get made anymore

I also think the problem is beards. Beards are out. A lot of beards. You think, well, actually, beards are not. I'm in this room. I know there's one, two, three, four and a half. That's a lot of beards in the room. Now it's time to revisit the Civil War.

Jon Gruden trades away good players because he doesn't want the hassle of coaching them

If it were up to Jon Gruden, he would still have Jeff Garcia as his quarterback right now. So he sees a first-rounder and he's like, you know what? I'd rather not go through the hassle of having to deal with good players.

The 2012 49ers offensive line was the best in NFL history

I'm sitting in the huddle looking around at everybody like, dude, we're about to have a fucking parade. ... because we had like the best offensive line in history. ... Of the 2012 year. Our offensive line was rolling that year.

Evanston at 11:00 AM is the hardest place to play in college football

The hardest place to play in the entire college football landscape at 11 a.m. Oh, no doubt. Evanston, Illinois, 11 a.m., no one wants to be there. Everyone is sleeping. Half the kids played in bigger stadiums in high school with more fans in them. It just puts them to sleep.

Todd Haley and Gregg Williams are the meanest sons of bitches in the world

My biggest takeaway from Hard Knocks is that Todd Haley and Greg Williams combined are the meanest sons of bitches in the world.

It is better for your career to be a meme than to be in a blockbuster movie

Do you think it is better for your career to be in a blockbuster movie that makes, let's say, $500 million or be in the badass, like the coolest meme of all time? Coolest meme of all time. Easy answer.

October is the best month of the year

October... it is the best month of the year. You have the fall, you have football being awesome, you have playoff baseball, you have NBA and NHL, it is the only month where all four sports are playing.

The 'Pacific Ocean' is superior to the 'Atlantic Ocean' because it is twice the size

My number two, Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean, twice the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Has, like, Hawaii, all that cool shit. You could be a cool Cali teen in the Pacific Ocean.

Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in Major League Baseball

What it basically amounts to is Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in Major League Baseball, possibly sports... Trevor Bauer got spooked by a fake tweet in 2011 that Obama was going to take his fighting necklaces and confiscate them.

Urban Meyer knew much more about the Zach Smith situation than the investigation report found

Saying Urban Meyer probably knew a lot more than this report has found... He probably remembers everything. And guess what? He's still coaching Ohio State, so he'll probably win a shitload of games. If your coach is good enough, they'll do the reverse engineering where instead of being like, let's find the facts, we'll be like, let's find the facts to make sure he stays as coach.

I would not have the same relationship with Joe Buck today if it weren't for the Artie Lange incident

If it wasn't for that Artie Lange show, I don't think that we would have the conversations that we have with Joe Buck.

Brett Favre and Chad Ochocinco were the real reasons 'Joe Buck Live' was a disaster

Now look, the real culprits to me are fucking Chad Ochocinco and Brett Favre. They were the first 45 minutes of an hour show... and they were boars. They're typical like Dennis Rodman type stuff where they think just because they have orange hair or they change their name they could sit there... but they're just boring people.

HBO was hypocritical for policing Artie Lange's content while airing shows like 'Real Sex'

You can't be on HBO and go, well, this is just way too much when you've got like Pornucopia that's on after that. Real Sex, which is, you know, that's about as far as you're going to go on normal cable. Taxi Cab Confessions. We could go on.

Athletes are inherently difficult to get good interviews out of

Athletes are tough to get a good interview out of. So I don't think it was my fault, but I think Joe got fucked too.

I would handle the Artie Lange incident much better and more authentically today

If you saw Joe Buck 2018 in that same spot, I think I would have rolled with the punches maybe a little bit better on air. I think I would have been different. I think I would have been better with it, and I would have been more equipped... having gone through this vocal thing that I went through, kind of not really caring anymore what people think... I would have handled the moment probably better.

Nicki Minaj is rattled and taking a backseat to Cardi B

She's just very rattled. And it's clear that Cardi B's album did better than hers. Cardi B was better at the VMAs. It's just clear that Nicki Minaj is taking a backseat, and she's not happy.

The tires on Post Malone's plane looked fine despite the emergency landing reporting

Are we staying woke on that, guys? ... a lot of people were saying, like, those tires look fine to me when the plane landed. ... those tires – They didn't look bad to me. That's all I'm going to say.

A rhino is a better version of an African buffalo in a fight

I'm taking a rhino, which is a better version of the African buffalo. ... It's got thicker skin, which is basically armor. It's got the horn.

I am a better athlete now at 34 than I was at 22

I think just to the naked eye, it's not visible that I'm a better athlete, but I am a better athlete, even at my age than I was at 22. ... at 34, like, I feel like I move as well or better than I did at 27. I just can't leap like I used to.

College referees are not good and officiating in college ruins the game

College refs ... are god-awful. They're not good in any sort of definition of the word. They're just bad referees. ... they sit a guy down and you get two fouls in five minutes and you basically don't play until the second half. And it ruins the whole game.

Kevin Durant joining the Warriors was a great decision for player autonomy

I like seeing a player ultimately do what he wants to do, what's going to make him happy, even if he pisses a bunch of people off. ... to just take a pay cut to take a pay cut makes zero sense. And no one in any other industry does that.

Coach K's greatest strength is his adaptability rather than a fixed system

I think [Coach K's] greatest strength ... is his adaptability. Coach K doesn't have a system. He's never had a system. ... he coaches every team differently. He coaches every player differently.

It is way too soon for Baker Mayfield to be doing underwear commercials

I think this is way too soon for Baker Mayfield. ... I actually think he's going to be a good quarterback, but it's still the Browns. You still have to win a couple games. Otherwise, this all is going to look ridiculous.

Roadhouse is the most badass movie of all time and is the opposite of a nerd movie

It's literally like the most badass movie of all time. It is the opposite of a nerd movie. Hey, Hank, I fuck guys like you. I fuck guys like you in jail. That's a Roadhouse quote. Think about that. Put that in your head.

Ted Williams is the greatest hitter in baseball history

Who's the best hitter you've ever seen in your life? Ted Williams. ... This guy could hit like nobody I've ever seen. I'm telling you, he was amazing.