Takes

A guy who is 'over the top nice' early in a relationship is hiding something

If he's over the top nice, if he's buying you stuff constantly and flowers and writing you cards, he's probably hiding something. Because no guy after three or four dates is going to keep putting in that amount of effort. Or he's too clingy... If he keeps pouring it on, he's probably hiding something. That's a fuckboy.

LeBron James ruined the competitiveness of the NBA and deserves to be swept

This fucking guy created this big three bullshit, this AAU friends and family banana boat in the summer bullshit. He started this shit. And now they created a big four... I hope they fucking swept. And then the nail will be in the fucking coffin. You're not like Mike. You're never going to be like fucking Mike.

Five Kurt Rambises with LeBron's brain would beat five Kurt Rambises with Michael Jordan's brain

Because it's slower and LeBron clearly has the size advantage... I just ran the numbers on my calculator, and I am going with LeBron on this. [Five Kurt Rambises with LeBron's brain versus five with MJ's brain]

Professional sports should allow players to fight one fan per year to keep them in check

Every single sport should allow a player to have one time a year where they can fight a fan. It would keep fans in check. You never know if you're going to be that guy... It's like, and then once you use it, then the fans can really go in on you because it's like, oh, he's already used his this year.

The Kardashian curse is responsible for Tristan Thompson's poor performance

By the way, speaking of rebounding, Tristan Thompson, four rebounds tonight. Did you also hear that Khloe Kardashian's going around saying she's pregnant with his baby? So the Kardashian curse remains undefeated.

Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players

It's a reason that he's one of the great – he is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players.

Ed Reed was the most talented player on the 2001 Miami Hurricanes

[Big Cat]: 2001 Miami Hurricanes... Can you tell us who the best player on that team was being up close and personal with them? [Wilfork]: Probably Ed Reed.

Grit is the ability to keep your confidence when your results aren't being met

I think grit is the ability to keep your confidence when your potential is not being met or when the result is not being met in a particular time in life or in a particular moment... When things aren't going well, can you continue to play without being distracted, without letting doubts, without letting the doubters get in and knock you off your game?

Dwyane Wade and Victor Oladipo are the best and most versatile players I've coached

The best guys – were the most versatile guys because they made everybody else better. And I think the thing about a guy like Dwyane Wade, the thing about a kid like Victor [Oladipo], Jerel McNeal and Wes Matthews were like this for us at Marquette. Those guys didn't have to score and they didn't have to be making shots to have their presence felt in a big way.

LeBron James is in a unique ballpark of basketball intelligence

Dwyane said this about LeBron. Dwyane is very smart, incredibly smart player... Dwyane said, I'm smart. He said, I know I'm smart. I'm not even in the same ballpark as this guy. And he's pointing at LeBron in the sense of how smart he is on the court... LeBron's in a very, very unique place for his mindset.

Duke's 2015 comeback was due to Grayson Allen putting pressure on the whistle

Mike [Krzyzewski] really went into a complete, we're going to drive the ball game. He put a lot of pressure on the whistle... they have an incredible record when they were getting into the bonus at the 12-minute mark of each half... you could see it because they kept driving Grayson Allen from the left wing to the middle. It was the Grayson Allen coming out part of him. If he doesn't get them in the bonus that quick, it's a different game.

Tiger Woods' DUI arrest gives him street cred

I didn't think that Tiger Woods could have any more street cred, but he certainly does now. Now he's got it all.

I only have a Super Bowl ring because Jay Cutler got injured in the 2010 NFC Championship

I do thank Jay Cutler for getting hurt, and also B.J. Raji for being the fattest guy to ever score a touchdown in the NFC Championship... I think Aaron Rodgers is the only reason I have a Super Bowl ring, to be honest.

Justin Smith is the hardest player to block in NFL history

Currently Aaron Donald, all-time, probably Justin Smith... Dude, I mean, you can't judge toughness on a dude who has a giant Budweiser tattoo on his arm... Yeah, he was a bitch to block.

LeBron James is maybe better than Michael Jordan

And LeBron James... better than Michael Jordan, maybe. Tune into FS1, Colin Cowherd will tell you about it for the next four hours.

LeBron's 7 straight finals don't count because they were in the East

Asterix, asterix. They're all against the East. True. So let's not crown them just yet.

LeBron James threw Game 3 against the Celtics to help the Celtics' ticket sales

LeBron James threw Game 3 just so that all of Boston had to buy tickets for Game 5 so that he could buttfuck them in public.

Grit is an inherent trait you are born with

Grit, I mean, I feel like it's something that you just have to have in you. I wouldn't say it's something that you learn. I think you can adapt to it over time. But I think it's something that you're going to go regardless of the circumstance.

Being a Resident Assistant in college is a terrible job

Don't be an RA. Don't fucking do it. Listen, if you need the free housing... Go work the streets, but don't be an RA. An RA is worse than a mall cop.

Kyrie Irving wouldn't have gotten off the bench for John Wooden in the 1960s

If [Kyrie Irving] played back in the 60s, he wouldn't have got off the bench on John Wooden's team. Dribbles between the legs too much. A little bit of a ball hog. A little bit of a flashy showboat. But I guess if you score points in today's day and age, that's all you need.

Rooftops are overrated for drinking

I think that rooftops are actually overrated. I'm a beer garden guy. I'm a beer garden guy and I'm a river guy.

Ohio State's program lacks class compared to Michigan

My hot seat is Ohio State. I'm sorry. The Ohio State University. We went to Michigan today. We met with Jim Harbaugh. It was great... All class exuding from the campus on Ann Arbor, unlike those guys down in Columbus. I'm just saying. They could – You still can rectify it. We're going to Columbus today. I don't want to be too mean to the guys in Columbus, but I'm just saying you guys are behind right now.

Leonard Fournette’s parents are geniuses for naming both sons Leonard

If you're a parent out there, a new parent, and you're thinking about having a couple kids and you think one is going to probably be better than the other, name the shittier kid just Leonard so that all of his mistakes – Or anytime your good kid, the one that's your breadwinner, fucks up, you can just blame the shittier kid.

Toughness can be built like a callus and the human body craves contact

Think of it [toughness] like building a callus, you know, just like the human body. What a tremendous organism. I mean, it actually craves contact. I mean, it likes contact, craves it, as opposed to a car... So, yeah, much like conditioning can be improved, I mean, so can that callus of toughness and grit also be acquired or improved.

Vegans don't know what they're talking about and organic food is a sham

Here's what I learned. That this – Vegans don't know what they're talking about. And two, the people that are – Organic is – that's a sham too... Organic is not more healthy. It is not sustainable. We're going to 9 billion people on the planet. The resources that it takes to make something organic uses twice the month, twice as the resources that it does otherwise. I mean, that's not sustainable.

If you show up somewhere with a glowing orb, people will give you money out of fear

If you show up somewhere with a glowing orb, people will give you money because they'll be afraid of you. That's how it works.

If your wife goes away on business, you should move farther away from her to make her miss you more

Here's a pro tip for all you guys out there that are married. If your wife goes away on business, move farther away from your wife. Make her want to come to you.

A truly gritty person doesn't want to explain what grit is

I think in all fairness, if you are gritty, you don't want to be the person explaining what it is. You just go out and you do your job every day. And then everyone else can decide if you're gritty or not.

Cincinnati would have won a national title in 2000 if Kenyon Martin didn't get hurt

I think anybody who doesn't [think we would have won] don't know anything about basketball. [I think about it] not more than four or five times a day.

Deflections are the most important stat when playing a press defense

Since we started pressing, it's deflections. Deflections is a sign of activity and energy. It's disruptive.

LaVar Ball should not be held accountable for facts in his takes

I'm not on board for fact checking LaVar Ball's takes on anything. As far as I'm concerned, LaVar Ball does not when he says things, he doesn't give a shit if they're true or not. He's a prey and spray kind of taker. He's just gonna shoot, shoot, shoot. LaVar Ball, he can't be held accountable for his takes.

Mitchell Trubisky looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow

If you look at Mitchell Trubisky, he looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow. Just put that thought in your head for a while.

I am officially off Greg Popovich because of how he treats the media

I'm off of him. I'm off of Pop. No, but it's picking up a little steam. Greg Popovich just being a dickhead to people while everyone says, wow, Pop tells it like it is. He's so funny. And then he says a long political statement without really saying anything. And everyone's like, man, Pop keeps it real.

Kevin Durant is staying under the radar but he is still a 'baby back bitch'

Not a lot of talk about Kevin Durant being a baby back bitch. Nobody says. He's under the radar right now. Just don't forget the sloucher, the Durantula, the servant... It's all falling in nicely for Kevin Durant, though. He's staying under the radar, so just keep your eye out.

LaVar Ball is the greatest character Vince McMahon ever created

LaVar Ball he is the greatest character that Vince McMahon ever created. It's like everything. I mean, he basically went on Colin Cowherd's show and nagged all women. He was like, I'm not selling you. You're not big ballers. And then all the women were like, wait, we want to be big ballers too. All right, fine. I'll sell you some shirts.

NPR's pledge drives are a form of extortion

One of the big things now is if you'll give a donation, we will stop soliciting money. It's extortion. In other words, they're on there with some kind of meaningless promotion. And their attitude is, you hate this, right? The answer is obviously yes. You want us to stop, right? Yes. Give us some money.

Tom Brady uses the concussion excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt. And Brady's like, yeah, I'm dealing with a lot of concussions, babe.

Men only wash their hands after peeing if someone else is in the room

I only wash it when there's someone else in the room that's going to wash it and they look down on you... I was in the bathroom with one of our boss bosses... and it was like, okay, is he going to go? Are you going to go? I wish I had just had the balls to be like, hey, we're guys. Let's just not wash.

Men wearing rompers will get laid more because everyone can see their package

Actually, this is a combo hot seat cool throne for guys with big dicks because hot seat, you might just be flashing people with your romper cool throne. Everyone can see your big dick. Probably can get laid more.

John Wooden could not have coached in the current one-and-done era

I don't think Coach Wooden could have coached in this era because he wanted us to graduate. He wanted us to become educated and learn some moral lessons and how to deal with the people that you care about in meaningful ways.

Banning the dunk ruined the game for basketball fans

I thought [the dunk being banned] was just made to deal with me... But no, it ruined the game for the fans. So that wasn't smart.

LeVar Ball's exploitation of his son Lonzo is bothersome

I don't know what [Lonzo Ball] is all about up here because of his dad. His dad gives me the willies. Parents like that really bother me, just trying to exploit their kids like that.

Derek Jeter's face is starting to look like a baseball glove

He's slowly becoming a member of the Fat Face Club in retirement. That face, it's starting to get basketball shaped a little bit... His face looks like a baseball glove now.

The Warriors' championship will have an asterisk because they cheated by injuring Kawhi Leonard

The Warriors were dead, and then they decided to cheat and came back to life... I, for one, am very happy that this happened because now I'm ready to put an asterisk on the Warriors championship. Just like that. They had a cakewalk through the West. They ran into a hobbled Spurs team.

I am sick of the internet's obsession with everything Greg Popovich does

I'm sick of Greg Popovich... It's the fact that everything he does, everyone says is incredible. Like Greg Popovich is a dick to a reporter. Oh, that's Greg Popovich. He's so funny. He tells it like it is... I hate how everything he does gets applauded by the internet.

Kevin Durant joining the Warriors didn't change the mindset because they were already the team to beat

When [Durant] went there, I think it surprised everybody... but it's the same mindset. You already knew Golden State was the team to beat, and now they're still the team to beat with Kevin Durant. So the mindset didn't change. It was how are we going to beat them.

D.C. is a loser town

Say what you want about Dan Snyder. They always compare the D.C. teams because D.C. is a loser town. I agree with that 100%. You can't really make an argument against that.

Professional athletes who are 'disability check fat' like Bartolo Colon are the best

Jim Brockmire's favorite is Bartolo Colon. Because you have to love any professional athlete that is very nearly disability check fat.

MJ is the greatest of all time

As much as I obviously don't want to get in the debate because I obviously everyone knows where I stand. MJ, greatest of all time.

Kobe Bryant is the greatest of all time

But I think to avoid this debate, the stance of this podcast is just going to be Kobe. We're just Kobe guys. Kobe is the greatest of all time. Just so we never have to debate this again.