Takes

LeBron James is setting up a pre-planned excuse in case the Cavaliers lose the Finals

[LeBron is] also setting expectations. So, like, if they lose in the finals, like, hypothetically, if it's a 4-0 sweep, hypothetically speaking, that's definitely not me saying that's going to happen. He's got an excuse prepped right there.

I hate that the NCAA is releasing top 16 seeds in mid-February

They are now going to try to drum up a little more intrigue to the NCAA tournament. So they're going to release the top 16 seeds starting mid-February... I hate that. Takes a little bit out of it. One of the great things about that tournament was I didn't have to spend any time thinking about it until that Sunday night.

Barron Trump is officially off-limits for comedy

Cool throne, Barron Trump officially off limits. Can't make fun of Barron Trump. Kids are off limits. No Barron Trump jokes. He's going to be—And the nice thing is, now that no one can make jokes about him, He's going to be a well-adjusted, normal adult. I think it's great.

DeSean Jackson should sue the Instagram model who insulted him to prove a point

DeSean, the only way you can get people to stop talking about your allegedly micropenis is to take her to court, put it in the papers, make sure that everyone knows that if anyone says DeSean Jackson's got a tiny hog, Guess what? He's going to come after you. That's the easiest way to make people shut up.

The NFL is in cahoots with the Green Bay Packers and Dallas Cowboys

Because everybody loves Green Bay. Everybody wants to see Green Bay on top. ... Oh, so conspiracy. The league. The league has a conspiracy. ... Headline grab. ... Green Bay is in cahoots with the league. Yeah. They like the... Done. It was Dallas, you know.

Bringing your girlfriend to watch a big game with you results in losing your Man Card

Bring your girlfriend to watch a big game with you. Yeah, that's probably a man card.

Jimmy Butler is a top ten player in the NBA

How many players play on a basketball team? Five. And how many teams play at the same time? Two. Okay, so that's what? Ten. Okay, so the NBA All-Star Game rosters came out. Jimmy Butler was named a starter... that would make him a top ten player.

Touching things that are cold is objectively better than touching things that are hot

I'll say this touching things that are cold it's objectively better than touching things [hot]. Correct correct. If i could never touch a hot thing again i'd be happy yes.

The Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history

Is there any doubt that the Pittsburgh Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history? I don't think Belichick and Brady... they're not going to stack up with the Pittsburgh Steelers in terms of the affection that our football nation has for the black and gold.

Tom Brady gamed his combine/strength tests or the Patriots are lying about his scores improving with age

The damnest thing is happening with Brady. In each of the past three years, he improved his test scores in every category... [Hmm]. I used to do that when I did CrossFit... how you did one round, you had to beat it the next round. So you would just do really, really bad the first one. And then just kind of coast the rest. So maybe that's what Brady's doing.

The contestants on The Bachelor who cried over the Backstreet Boys were faking it

I'm calling bullshit on this. If there's some girls, maybe some girls, like, 1994, 1995 born, they were, like, five years old when Backstreet Boys were big... I feel like that was a try-hard move to start crying for that because they probably don't remember them, right?

Tony Romo would have won the Divisional game for the Cowboys against the Packers

Tony Romo probably would have won that game in Dallas. Dak [Prescott] took a little too long to get going. Dak is better than Tony, but he's exactly better enough that the Cowboys would have scored later on in the game to tie it up. So Dak scored too soon. He was too efficient. Romo would have tied it, sent it to overtime.

Rick Pitino only vouched for Grayson Allen because Allen didn't snitch on him

Rick Pitino... he vouched for [Grayson Allen]. He said, I think it's a reflex action when he does something wrong. He'll lunge out or he'll trip somebody. But he's a good person. I know he's a good person. Rick Pitino went and checked it out... Grayson Allen's a good guy. He didn't tell on Rick. So he's a good guy.

Aaron Rodgers and the Packers have underachieved over the last six years

What we've seen the last eight games out of Aaron Rodgers makes me wonder, why in the hell haven't we seen that the last six years? Why are they continuously wanting out in the playoffs? Why do they continue to underachieve? Aaron Rodgers is one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the sport of football. How does he not already have more than one Super Bowl win?

Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know what emotions are and interprets all feelings as physical pain

Ben, he thinks that any emotion is pain. He doesn't know what emotions are, but he knows that when he feels something, he's like, that is pain, and I feel it in my deep soul... When Ben learned something new, he's like, ow, my head, it's pain. It's headache. I hurt my brain learning, but I will play through it.

San Diego didn't deserve to have a football team because the weather is too nice there

Fuck you, San Diego. You're a great city, and you didn't deserve to have a football team because it's so nice outside during the fall and the winter time. You know what? You can find a million other things to do.

Lane Kiffin was happy to see Alabama lose the National Championship

The second you move on from [a relationship], there's a small part of you that will always love to see bad things happen to that person... And Lane Kiffin is, by all accounts, a much bigger dick than normal people. So you have to believe that he was popping bottles.

Alabama recruits should be upgraded from Dodge Chargers to Mercedes

Fair or not, Nick Saban should stop giving everyone, all his recruits, Dodge Chargers... Maybe upgrade them to the Mercedes, the new Mercedes, please.

Bubba Watson is the biggest dickhead on the PGA Tour

We'll give it to [Bubba Watson] just for fun. He's one of my best friends, but... Just for fun, Bubba Watson's the biggest dick on tour. Got it.

Ben Roethlisberger gets smarter when he is concussed

I think Roethlisberger gets smarter when he gets concussed. Right, his head gets out of his own way. Right, he's just like a big, dumb animal. All of his terrible thoughts are no longer functioning in his head, so he's able to operate like a normal human being.

The Masters' theme music is the instant cure for insomnia

It's also just good for dads out there to have, instead of having to rely on Ambien or something to go to sleep, if a dad turns on the Masters music, he's going to fall asleep within five minutes. Best nap of the year. Instant cure for insomniacs.

Lane Kiffin is a 'child' and a 'loser' who air-mailed the national semifinal

Lane Kiffin is a child. And Nick Saban tried to nurture him and be a father figure. And in the end, he punched Saban in the mouth on the way out... I think it was the fact that Lane Kiffin, and this is hard to imagine, this statement I'm about to make, literally air-mailed in the national semifinal in college football. It's like he didn't bother... I just think he's a loser.

Michigan fans are the most arrogant and elitist fan base in college football

It's Michigan. But Michigan, first of all, it's a good school. But it's not Harvard. They think they are not. Michigan fans, Michigan graduates are just the most arrogant, elitist... The fans talk like it's Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech wrapped into one. It's not. It's a good school that's won a half a national championship in 60 years.

Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football

I think Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football. I really do. I think Charlie Weis was better than Brian Kelly. He was more hilarious. I don't totally disagree. No, you're right about that. I mean, he was expensive from a food standpoint. But I think Notre Dame can afford a couple of extra buffets, but Brian Kelly, I mean, he really... anyone's cooler than Brian Kelly.

Wild Card Weekend is the second-best weekend in sports, behind only Divisional Weekend

If we're doing a power ranking of sports weekends, Wild Card Weekend is in my top three. I've got Wild Card Weekend, I'll call it number two. Divisional Weekend's number one. And then the first weekend of March Madness, number three.

The Miami Dolphins' teal and aqua uniforms do not belong in the NFL playoffs

I'm just going to say it, right? The Dolphins' uniforms are not playoff uniforms. They aren't. That's a hot take, I know, but it's the truth. Teal and that aqua and all that shit doesn't belong in the playoffs.

It is better for your date to get injured on a ski trip than for her to be better at skiing than you

He takes her on a ski trip... She starts skiing, and she does backflips going down. And he [Donald Trump] thought that he was going to take this girl out and teach her how to ski. She was better than him. He immediately picked his skis up and walked inside for the rest of the weekend. He's like, this sucks. I can't deal with that. So I would rather that your date gets devastatingly injured than for her to be better.

Grayson Allen's tripping incidents are victimless pranks that don't actually matter

The thing about Grayson Allen that I absolutely love is that all of this is victimless and it doesn't actually matter. The stakes are non-existent in this story. And we pretend like they are because we just love to hate Duke so much. But he's sticking his foot out and tripping guys and they kind of just trip over and they look up like, what the fuck was that? And then they move on. And it's not like he's putting anyone's life in jeopardy.

Coach K's leave of absence was a PR move to shield Grayson Allen from the headlines

My theory is that the Coach K leave of absence is one to take headlines away from Grayson. Because that's all he was talking about. And K said, if I step away—and by the way, both of these things are happening right after they get smoked at Virginia Tech. That's not a coincidence either.

LeBron James is the perfect laboratory-engineered basketball player, more so than Jordan

In all seriousness, I think LeBron is... If you had to clone a guy and put five of him on the floor, he's clearly the guy that you would want. If you're making a basketball player in a laboratory from the ground up, you build LeBron James.

Mike Greenberg's take that the College Football Playoff is better than March Madness is ridiculous

Did anyone tell Greeny that he doesn't know about either of these playoffs because he didn't play sports? ... I mean, it's the most ridiculous statement.

The Starters on NBA TV are sports hipsters

I don't like to shit on other people's quality of their work. But they have a show, and it's actually good. It's very stat-oriented... but like the Starters on the NBA network. They are hipsters. They're sports hipsters.

You cannot be a serious basketball analyst if you never played the game

I just want to ask these fucking nerds. Like, did you ever play? ... If you are a basketball dude and you never played basketball, even in your heart of hearts, and you took it seriously, it's hard for me to take you seriously. Because anybody could play basketball, really, until any age.

The AFC has been bad for forever

People don't talk about how bad the AFC has been like forever. The Patriots have basically just had to show up every Sunday for the last 12 years, and they'll make it into one every three Super Bowls.

Nick Saban is using Hitler-style propaganda to motivate Alabama

This is actually a real technique that Hitler used. To just make up fake news and pretend that you're oppressed. It's called propaganda. Saban's Goebbels. So you're in charge of thinking of all these bad things to say about Alabama.

The 2016 Giants defense might be better than the two Super Bowl winning defenses

I will say that the [2016] defense might be a little bit better than our two Super Bowl defenses.

I will take Eli Manning over any other quarterback in the playoffs

Eli [Manning] just lets it go, man. He is not afraid in the playoffs, and I think that's something that serves him well. I'll take Eli over any of them.

College kickers who wear towels on their hips are soft

You know another thing that pisses me off is when you watch these college guys and they have shields and sweet towel. They have a towel hanging off their hip like they're about to go take a center snap. You're a fucking kicker. Like kick the ball. No one cares what you look like.

Bill Belichick sends his assistants to AFC teams specifically to destroy them from within

Every single Belichick assistant that has spun off into a head coach or front office guy at another team has gone to work in the AFC, and they've systematically destroyed that team that they've gone to and made it an easier schedule for the Patriots. McDaniels just completely destroyed Denver. Pioli and company went to the Chiefs. Bill O'Brien... Texans stink. Saban fucked up the Dolphins too.

Wearing a jumpsuit every day in January will make the month great again

Time to make January great again, and the best way to do that is to wear jumpsuits every day. Every day in January. That's my promise to you.

Pardon My Take is responsible for making punting cool again

Did we bring punting back? Yeah, we made punting cool again. I've seen it everywhere since Punt Week. Ooh, punters this, punters that. These punters, they're so cool.

Hank is more famous than former NHL star Ryan Whitney

Is there a part of you that realizes that Hank is still more famous than you? [Ryan Whitney: I'm fully 100% aware of it.]

The tattoo has officially replaced the mustache as a symbol of American masculinity

Do you think that America lost its way when the mustache went out of style? [Dave Wanstead: Well, the tattoo probably replaced the mustache, you know?]

Shooting 'granny style' should be rebranded to 'pimp grip' to make it cooler for NBA players

I think the problem is that it's called granny style because nobody wants to shoot it with that name. If it was like pimp grip or like called baller style or something like that, I feel like more people would try it.

The Pardon My Take table read of The Office was better than the original show

That was better than the real one, I think. Yep. We crushed it. Everyone. Wow. Why didn't he just do prison mic in every scene?

Benchining a player for being too fat isn't discrimination if they were already heavy when they signed

They accepted [Pablo Sandoval] as being a loud ass when they signed him. He was heavy. So they didn't discriminate in the beginning. And so they will accept him the way he was, but it turned out that he couldn't hit his weight. So that made him less subject to discrimination.

The punt is the most important play in football

No, I've said it's [the punt] the most important play. All right, the most important play.

I am ground zero for sports celebrity for non-athletes

He [SI Reporter] said, you're the first sports star. I mean, what the hell is a sports star? Star for sports. You're the first guy to become a sports celebrity that wasn't an athlete. And it's really good. You pay it forward. You're really nice to everybody. You take strangers with you. And we have nothing to compare you to. You are ground zero for sports stars.

Joe Flacco is elite because he has a Super Bowl ring

Is Joe Flacco elite? Duh. Obviously. He won a Super Bowl. Hello.

Any movie made before 1990 sucks

Any movie that's made before 1990 can just piss right off because I don't care about it... It's movies with subtitles and movies that are either black [and white].