Takes

If J.J. Watt had played rugby, he would be the greatest player ever and the U.S. would have won gold

If you had dedicated yourself to rugby when you were in high school, you would probably be the best rugby player in the history of the game, by far. And the U.S. probably would have won a gold medal.

The NFL was within its rights to prevent Bob Costas from bashing the league during a broadcast

Of course the NFL was like, hey, Bob, you can't say that on one of our fucking broadcasts, dude. Roger Goodell does a lot of stuff to silence a lot of people... but this one, it's like, why would you be allowed to bash the league that's paying your salary right now? During a game, you really can't do that.

Bob Costas is the first-ballot Hall of Famer of smelling his own farts

Listen, I like Bob Costas because he's got a big game voice and we grew up with Bob Costas, but he is number one in the Smell Your Own Farts Hall of Fame. He farts in his hand and cups it and puts it right to his nose.

Workers who cross picket lines as scabs should form their own union

I had this idea on Saturday to make a union of scabs. So scabs should unionize... scabs are the guys that come in and they take [picket-liners'] jobs and they'll go ahead and they'll work for lower pay... But the scabs themselves should unionize. It's like they should get together and demand better treatment.

If you have a young player that has a good week, you should trade them immediately for a superstar

The lesson I learned is if you have a young player that has a good week, you trade him immediately. Right away. Get the fuck out of here and we'll get some older guy that's a superstar.

San Antonio and Memphis are the best barbecue cities in the AAF

I think overall I have the best barbecue situation, San Antonio and Memphis [in the AAF].

You should stop saying 'Thank you for your service' to veterans and just talk to them normally

If you can think of probably anything to say, and you guys are smart, witty, clever guys, I would always suggest say something other than thank you for your service to a vet... maybe just like, how's it going? Hey, you're a human being. I'd like to talk with you.

Einstein marrying his cousin proves we shouldn't judge geniuses by conventional standards

I think that just ties into the theory that you shouldn't judge geniuses and we shouldn't hold them to our standards of convention. [Standards of not marrying your family]... I would probably say that.

Roger Goodell has a difficult job and is deserving of respect

I've known Roger for a long time... The job is a job, you know, and he's caught up in a complex tsunami of drama and players and egos and obviously complicated owners... I'm a fan of Rodgers. I don't think he gets everything right all the time, but I think if either of us, three of us had that job, we'd probably be vilified.

Roger Goodell's wife is awesome for using burner accounts to defend him

The one thing I'll say nice about Roger Goodell, he has to be doing something right to have such a ride-or-die wife. His wife is awesome, and she put those burner accounts together to defend him. She's a cool chick.

Orlando Magic GM John Hammond is a worse GM than Hitler

Worst GM in any sports history, including Hitler. Straight facts. Spot the lie.

Kevin Durant creates the mercurial media narrative he hates by getting mad at reasonable questions

Kevin Durant is like this mercurial guy who's always mad at the media. And then you get mad at that narrative, which you created. Don't get so upset because then it creates a whole – Kevin Durant is like this mercurial guy who's always mad at the media. And then you get mad at that narrative, which you created. So it's just a constant dog chasing its tail.

Brad Calipari's presence on the sideline is a psychological advantage for Kentucky

I truly do think [Brad Calipari] is a plus for Kentucky... when you show up and you have to play Kentucky, you're already in an uphill battle because they're a good team. And then you see this guy just mean mugging you with his half black half blue jean jacket... it just adds to the whole mystique of Kentucky basketball.

The Pac-12 is just soft because the weather is too perfect

The Pac-12 is just soft. Their only hope is to like import kids from the East coast... who wants to go to UCLA and like be in a gym all day, every day and work on your game? No, that's not why you go to UCLA.

On The Bachelor, the person calling someone 'emotional' is usually the bully and vice-versa

I feel like the emotional one is actually the bully, and the bully is actually the emotional one... it's one of those I'm rubber or you call the other person what you really are. [You project it].

Super Bowl 53 was the worst Super Bowl I've ever watched

That was the worst Super Bowl. I think we can all agree the worst Super Bowl we've ever watched. [It] just wasn't well played. Like, it was compelling because it was close late... but it just was gross.

Super Bowl 48 was a worse game than Super Bowl 53

I would say the worst Super Bowl that I've ever watched is probably the Denver-Seahawks Super Bowl. But that was just because it was a blowout from the very start.

Super Bowl 53 was Bill Belichick's best coaching job ever

I actually think this is probably his best coaching job. Because they're probably not the most talented Super Bowl team he's had, but they ran man basically all year, and then they ran zone in the Super Bowl and just fucked up Sean McVay.

Roger Goodell is the stupidest person in the world for having Dave Portnoy arrested while sitting in a paid seat

I'm starting to think that Goodell and this whole crew, he's the stupidest guy in the world... It's one thing to charge somebody with criminal trespass, but then when they have a ticket sitting in their seat... he was a civilian sitting in a seat. They had no right to touch him.

Some great coordinators are simply not meant to be head coaches

There are certain guys who were just assistant coaches... Just because you're good at being a defensive coordinator doesn't mean you can be a head coach... certain guys are meant to be a head coach, certain guys are not.

The Rams would win if both teams played a perfect game because they have more talent

I'm stuck with the same thought over and over. The Rams are the more talented team. But the Patriots, at the end of the day, it's still Brady and Belichick. If they both play perfect games, I think the Rams will win because they have more talent overall.

I would throw for 6,000 yards and 60 touchdowns in today's NFL

So I'm going to just say I would carve it up. Throw for 6,000, you know, 60 touchdowns and have fun, especially with my guys like Duper and Clayton... and there was no bubble screens. Pass interference was like a different monster back then too.

Dan Marino's 1984 season is the greatest quarterback season in NFL history

That 1984 season — I actually would say is the best season for a quarterback just because of the era and everything involved. You had 48 touchdowns, which was 16 more than anyone else.

It is harder for a quarterback to throw in the rain than it is to throw in the wind

Actually, it's harder probably to throw in the rain. ... Because it's the wetness of the ball.

I take full credit for Jim Carrey's career

So it really wasn't about me. It was about what I did for Jim Carrey, because if it wasn't for me, no one would know who Jim Carrey is. That's kind of how I take all full credit for Jim Carrey's career.

I don't know who Marlins Man is

I don't know him, but now it hit me.

I wear a hat in public as a service to others so they don't have to look at my balding head

I wear a hat for the benefit of other people because I don't like looking at balding heads. So that's why I wear a hat because I don't want anybody else to have to look at my balding head.

The Monday after the Super Bowl should be a federal holiday

We all are in agreement, obviously, that the Monday after the Super Bowl should be a federal holiday. Correct. Move President's Day. Abraham Lincoln's dead. He won't care. I promise. He probably would have been a big football fan.

LeBron James is a 'shisha-holic' who needs to stop drinking wine everywhere

LeBron drank wine on the bench. And I think we can all agree he has a problem. ... realize that your king — I'm doing air quotes — your king is a shisha-holic.

Todd Gurley lacks commitment to his potential pet cats

He's been engaged to getting a cat for way too long. People are starting to ask questions, Todd. They're saying, is this wedding ever going to happen? Lack of commitment from Todd Gurley.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James

I think MJ's better. [LeBron] is one of those crybabies. Yes, I do.

FaceTiming is terrible and no one over the age of 22 wants to do it

If you're over the age of 22, you never want to take the FaceTime. FaceTiming is terrible.

I will not view the Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team

I'm going to say something right now. It's bullshit, and I will not let it stand... I will not view the Los Angeles Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team. Asterix on all of it.

Musical artists like Bon Jovi should only play the hits and not new stuff

John [Bon Jovi]'s like, what do you think of the new stuff? And I'm like, what new stuff? ... I tell people this all the time. Play the hits. Give the people what they want. You get on a treadmill. I don't want to listen to new stuff.

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

Taysom Hill should be a permanent Pro Bowl fixture because he plays with maximal effort

They should have sent Taysom Hill to the Pro Bowl because he would have just gone balls out the entire time. There always needs to be like one asshole trying way, way, way too hard.

I am officially a SpongeBob SquarePants fan because the show is highly allegorical

I am definitely a SpongeBob fan. It's very allegorical. ... [The episode with Squidward] was basically like your inner child losing. Everyone should stop being like Squidward and start being more like Patrick Starfish.

Steve Wilks was treated unfairly by the Cardinals and should have been given more than one season

I think it is the fact that a lot of it... I don't like seeing is what happened in Arizona. Because Coach [Steve] Wilks is a good person. And he's a good man. And he needs to be given more opportunity than what he got. One year. Especially when you go into a roster like that.

Early morning NFL meetings are counterproductive for millennial players who don't sleep

Today's guys don't sleep. And so if you're a young head coach and you're listening to this program, don't start your meetings at six. Start your meetings at nine. ... After having breakfast, you get them up six and get breakfast seven, they're done.

Paper straws suck and companies need to find better technology

Paper straws suck. Sorry. We all agree. Paper straws suck. Someone figure out the technology. Otherwise, we're going to keep using the plastic.

Jon Gruden uses helmet stickers at the Senior Bowl because he can't remember players' names

Jon Gruden clearly is doing this because he can't remember anyone so he's like... just marking everyone with a Raider tag because he was not going to remember who he liked or not.

The Rams and Saints were equal enough that the NFC Championship outcome wasn't a total travesty

Maybe it's not better team won, but they couldn't have been more equal in my mind. So I'm not feeling like it was this huge travesty... If they played 10 times, they would go 5-5 probably.

Carson Wentz is the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth

Carson Wentz is like the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth, bro... I limit my time around Carson Wentz because he makes me feel bad about myself. He makes me feel bad about myself by being awesome.

Alshon Jeffery is the best receiver I have ever played with

In my opinion, [Alshon Jeffery] is the best receiver I've played with. I mean, he is automatic... when I say Alshon is the best receiver, I'm talking about number one, go up and get it, you throw him the ball, he just picks on people.

Max Kellerman could beat Derek Carr in a fight

I might take Max Kellerman in a fight against Derek Carr. I would. He talks about boxing a lot. If you talk about fighting a lot, I assume that you can at least handle yourself a little bit just by osmosis.

Podcasters are the most persecuted class of humans in America

We [podcasters] are actually the most persecuted class of humans in America. Spot the lie.

The NFL should host the Super Bowl in Miami, New Orleans, or Vegas every single year

You'll also get one or two people saying the Super Bowl should be in Miami or New Orleans every year. Which I agree. Every year. I actually agree with that. 100% agree.

Drew Lock is an alpha male because he gave a reporter double finger guns and a wink

Drew Lock also had the most masculine moment of all time during his press conference today... Reporters were asking him questions. They started asking him how important it is to get his lower body into his throws. And in the middle of the question, he gave him the double finger guns and the wink... This dude is an alpha.

The Netflix Fyre Fest documentary is more entertaining than the Hulu version

The Hulu one has the advantage because the whole mastermind of the Fyre Festival, Billy McFarland, is in it... I find the Netflix one, though, more entertaining. I think it's because it may have been the footage or the editing which really tells you something because they don't even have the guy in it.

Most people are not inherently trying to deceive or screw others over in daily life

I still would like to believe that most people don't wake up trying to find a way to deceive everybody as they interact with in society. These [Fyre Fest] stories get publicized... but I don't really blame the person for just having the faith that, hey, if they're putting on this massive festival... this is an awesome sort of scam.