Takes

The Montgomery Biscuits is a top-tier minor league team name

I got to go Montgomery Biscuits. The best part about it is the tongue is a pat of butter.

Rookie of the Year is the best baseball movie

Best baseball movie... I'm actually going to go Rookie of the Year number one... Because it's the Cubs.

The NFL's new helmet rule is just a safeguard against future lawsuits

The rule was put in just as a safeguard against lawsuits, just so they could say we're trying to make it safer. And then now you can't sue us anymore because we care about player safety.

I use a terrible fantasy football strategy of overpaying for two middle-tier running backs

I have a terrible system that I use in auction drafting strategies that has not worked at all, but I still do it. I pay, because I'm an older school guy, I pay for two top 10-ish, like 10th and 11-ish running backs. That's where I spend the bulk of my money. So I'll probably go Saquon [Barkley] and I'll probably go [Leonard] Fournette.

I would have been one of the greatest cornerbacks in NFL history

I'm not going to say Deion because Deion was such a great coach, but I would have been somewhere underneath primetime. I would have been right there at the primetime and playing the way that I play. I see myself as being one of the greatest corners to ever play the game.

I consider myself one of the greatest bench players in basketball history

I just knew that, all right, Nate, you're never going to be able to start. You're not going to be a starting point guard in this league, but we're going to make the best of it, and you're going to be one of the best players that ever come off the bench. And I think I did that, and I consider myself one of the greatest players that ever come off the bench to play the game of basketball.

Mark Zuckerberg is an unlikable robot with a shitty haircut

I don't know why that guy, [Zuckerberg], he has such an unlikable face. He walks on stage already bombing. It's like the guy before him killed and then the second they just, I don't know if it's the guy's face, his posture, his energy, it's just everybody would hate him. He's a robot. He's got those big pupils that just look like nothing but just black in those eyes. Wrong haircut.

St. Louis Cardinals fans are the most knowledgeable fans in baseball

Best baseball fans, probably knowledgeable and also cool to their team, like forgiving and they weren't assholes, were St. Louis Cardinals fans. They know the game. They know shit like you don't make the first or the third out at third base. They support players that are in a slump. They don't do like that stupid Yankee thing where they boo Derek Jeter.

New York sports outside of the Yankees and Giants is a total shit show

New York sports is basically the Yankees, with the Giants with an honorable mention. If you look at the rest of them, it is a fucking shit show. The Knicks, the Nets, the Rangers, the Mets, the Jets. I mean, it's just everybody. It's like if you combined all those years, how long it's been with all of those teams just not winning championships.

Michael Vick was the greatest player I have ever seen live

Best player I ever saw live was Michael Vick before all the dog stuff... When Michael Vick was allowed to be Michael Vick, there was no better Michael Vick.

The Nationals should have traded Bryce Harper at the 2018 MLB trade deadline.

As one who possesses Natitude, I think [the Nationals] probably should have traded him. My guess is they just got a bunch of shitty offers for him because he sucks this year.

Roger Goodell should revoke David Tepper's ownership if he removes the NFL shield from the 50-yard line.

[David Tepper] is thinking about changing the midfield logo to a Panther. This would be the Panthers spitting in the face of Roger Goodell. I think Roger Goodell should think about revoking his charter as an owner.

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.

The smartest strategy for a team is to draft a top running back, run them into the ground, and let them walk at age 27.

I actually think that it's a smart strategy to draft a running back and then basically you control them through their best years and you never have to pay them in the free agency market. You draft Ezekiel Elliott, you run him to the ground, and then when you franchise tag him... you let him walk.

Matt Ryan is a better quarterback than Matthew Stafford, Russell Wilson, Andrew Luck, and Blake Bortles.

[Ranking Matt Ryan, Matthew Stafford, Blake Bortles, Andrew Luck, and Russell Wilson] I'll go Matt Ryan, [then] Matthew Stafford, Russell Wilson. [Andrew Luck] will be four, and then [Blake] Bortles will be five.

Jimmy Garoppolo's inclusion in the 2018 NFL Top 100 was ridiculous.

Jimmy Garoppolo threw seven touchdown passes and five interceptions last year, and he was in the [Top 100]. In some people, that's ridiculous.

Kirk Cousins is not much better than the version of Case Keenum that the Vikings had in 2017.

I asked this question to some of the [Vikings] guys standing around. I go, is Kirk Cousins, as is right now, that much better than the Case Keenum you guys saw here last year? The answer is no.

NFL owners should pay for their own stadiums without taxpayer money.

The owners should pay for their own fucking stadium. A segment that we'll throw out there... If the taxpayers pay for the stadium, they get to decide the rules. No laws inside the stadium. Anything you want.

The video of Chandler Jones breaking a blocking sled is a fake PR stunt.

I'm a little bit woke on this, too, because why do you have a camera that's filming this? It was at a cool angle, too. It was like a GoPro. He broke it... I'm very woke on it. I think I'm leaning towards fake on it.

Yankee fans holding a candlelight vigil for Aaron Judge's broken wrist is outrageous

This is outrageous for a fucking broken wrist. I think he [Aaron Judge] just got hit in the wrist and a little bone came off... I don't think Jose Fernandez got this type of tribute.

Snakes, lizards, and ferrets are 'pre-crime' animals that shouldn't be trusted

As if we needed another animal to not trust. Yeah, the pre-crime animals. Ferrets and snakes and all that bullshit. A lizard usually, yeah.

Ben Roethlisberger is the last person who should be giving anyone etiquette advice on how to talk to women

You've got Ben Roethlisberger giving etiquette advice, saying you don't ask a woman her age. If there's anybody that knows how to talk to women, it's Ben Roethlisberger.

Checking the actual source of a quote instead of just reading a Twitter headline is the next level of sports journalism

I'm trying really hard to make sure that I actually look at things more than just the sentence I see on Twitter... I realized that I basically just jumped to every conclusion ever, and then I look like an idiot.

Kevin Durant's social media sensitivity shows he is not at peace with his move to the Warriors

If people bring up him [Kevin Durant] going to the Warriors, he clearly is not at peace with that decision, even though it has worked out better than even he could have expected... It is because you're Kevin Durant, you're not supposed to respond to trolls in your mentions.

Losing the 2011 Finals to the Mavericks was ultimately good for LeBron James's legacy

The best thing that happened to LeBron, even though the way they lost was not great, the best thing that happened to LeBron was that Miami team losing to Dallas. Because it validated those other two titles. It made it seem hard... The fact that they had real adversity made the rest of the championships feel validated to the public.

LeBron James is objectively the greatest basketball player ever

Wouldn't change the fact that he's [LeBron James] objectively and obviously the greatest basketball player ever.

Local sports talk radio will survive because people always want a place to 'sound off' immediately after a game ends

I think local radio will be fine... there will always be the thirst for people the moment the Cubs game ends to sound off about it. No matter how good a podcast is, it's not on the air the moment the game ends where you can interact.

Tom Brady is the 'Greatest' quarterback ever, but Aaron Rodgers is 'Better' at playing the position than anyone in history

I think Tom Brady's the greatest quarterback ever, but I think Aaron Rodgers is better at playing quarterback than anybody... Aaron Rodgers is better playing quarterback than anybody ever.

Kawhi Leonard winning the 2014 Finals MVP was absurd because LeBron James averaged 28 points on 57% shooting in that series

Kawhi Leonard won the finals MVP, holding LeBron to 56% shooting. [LeBron] averaged 28 [points]... in that finals.

LeBron James intentionally put together a 'blame team' of flawed teammates for his first year in LA

LeBron James, the 2018-19 Los Angeles Lakers, he has put together the greatest blame team of all time. He's basically punted on this year... They have Rondo, JaVale McGee, Lance Stevenson, Michael Beasley. That team will get blamed and laughed at on Twitter every single night, and LeBron James will basically be like, well, what is he supposed to do?

There is an oversaturation of dogs on social media

I'm getting on the borderline of getting sick of the oversaturation of dogs on Twitter.

Braves announcer Joe Simpson is the ultimate 'old man yells at cloud' for complaining about batting practice T-shirts

Getting upset about guys taking batting practice in T-shirts... this is maybe my favorite like old man yells at cloud mixed with baseball... Joe Simpson, suck our dicks, dude. You'll never hear this.

Ronda Rousey is likely the greatest female MMA fighter of all time

John Malkovich and a little someone called Ronda Rousey—probably heard of her. She's the best women's MMA fighter of all time, maybe, who knows.

Kevin Durant is thin-skinned but owning up to it makes him relatable

[Durant] can be a thin-skinned B-word, and he also can be very real and actually kind of owning up to the fact that he's a thin-skinned B-word, which I do respect. It makes him so much more relatable. The fact that he deals with the same problems that we deal with.

The best way to end a player holdout is to invent a disappointed child

It's a great, great way to just bend teams to your will is invent a child. For everybody else out there, just invent a kid and be like, my child is so disappointed. He was your hero. We gave him some matches. He's four years old and he just burned your jersey in the backyard.

Watching the Real Housewives and the OC is okay

I'm a little more grown up, I do happen to watch and enjoy from time to time the Real Housewives series. Only the New York. Atlanta? I like Atlanta. Crazy. Countess? Crazy.

Rosé cider is delicious despite being a 'chick drink'

Rosé cider. Kind of a chick drink, but it's just so delicious. I could drink it any day. Sometimes the ones in the can have a lot of sugar, though, so I try and go out of my way to find one with low sugar.

Brian Colangelo would have kept his job if he had simply leaned into the 'big collar' narrative

If [Brian Colangelo] had just leaned into the collar narrative a little more, I think he would have gotten away with it. Been like, hey, like worn just like a Pee Wee Herman sized collar at his press conference where he gets fired.

Being Canadian is a major advantage when traveling because people automatically assume you are nice

Being Canadian, it is nice when you travel, especially to other countries. Like already people are like, when you say you're Canadian, you already get the benefit of doubt where they're like, oh, you're Canadian, so you have to be nice. ... already have that negative connotation of thinking [Americans] might be a piece of shit.

A guy in a white Chrysler 300 is the breakdown of society

This guy in this white Chrysler 300 sedan... He now decides he's going to go back into the fast lane. I decided, you know, this is an allegory for a breakdown in society. All right? Here I am. I'm a very calm person. But when you abuse me like this, I'm not letting him in.

Telling a woman you are a 'virgin by choice' is a top-tier dating strategy for men over 30

At some point in life, doesn't that become almost like a really good line to use, though? I think after you turn 30 and you say, like, 'I'm a virgin by choice.' I feel like there's an element that, like, the girl is like, 'I want to be the one. I want to be the one that, like, makes him switch over.'

The Hall of Fame game becomes absolute dog shit after the first five minutes

I'm excited for the Hall of Fame game. My dumb brain tricks my dumb body into getting all amped up for the Hall of Fame game. And then I forget that after the first five minutes of the game, it's just absolute dog shit.

Tom Brady is allowed to have a dad bod because he is a father of three with multiple rings

he does have a dad bod. He is like 44 or something. Yeah, he's allowed to have a dad bod. I think once you get three Super Bowl rings. And you're married to the world's most successful supermodel. It's okay to have a dad bod.

Kevin Love has the perfect career because he has a ring and now has zero pressure playing for the Cavs

I feel like Kevin Love has finally reached happiness... now he gets to just be on the Cavs and hang out and not make the playoffs and shoot the ball a lot... make a lot of money. Hang out. Put up stats. Live a good life. I kind of love it.

Dwight Howard is the ultimate locker room cancer because he ruins every team he joins

dwight howard is my number one in like the world to me he is everywhere he goes he is terrible... he's been with all those teams. He's ruined all of those teams. I honestly think if you put him on your team, you're just basically... trying to destroy your team from within.

Latrell Sprewell is a top-tier locker room cancer because he choked his coach

My number three, I will go with Latrell Sprewell. Choked his coach. Probably not good for locker room morale.

Gilbert Arenas is one of the biggest locker room cancers ever because he pulled a gun on a teammate

I'm going to go with Gilbert Arenas. People forget he pulled a gun on his teammate. That's pretty bad, I would think.

Milton Bradley is one of the biggest dickheads in sports history

My last one is going to be, how about Milton Bradley? One of the biggest dickheads that's ever walked the earth. He played for eight [teams]. It's almost impossible for a guy who has actually a ton of talent to play for eight teams.

Modern baseball and stat heads are ruining starting pitching

modern baseball is ruining starting pitching. Like, you see guys starting relievers now. Stat heads have killed starting pitching... if they expand rosters it's over there's not going to be starting pitching anymore it's just going to be a bunch of relievers.

The days of unwritten rules in baseball are over and bat flips should be marketed

Unwritten rules are gone. Bat flips are being marketed. There's no such thing as the unwritten rule. If it sells tickets and gets people in the seats, like, I'm absolutely [okay with that].