Takes

Miss America is no longer a beauty pageant if it removes the bikini portion

It's also ridiculous that a beauty pageant is no longer being judged on beauty. That's where we're at.

Selling songs to commercials is a valid way to support a family and not 'selling out'

I've always viewed music with the eye of like... laughing and kind of throwing up like, kind of like that, that whole thing that exists in the urban world. That's kind of like, yeah, yeah, I'm in this commercial and it's dope and it's taking care of my family... I've just never understood the mentality... of like, hey, it's sellouty to make money and I'd rather be like a cool hipster that is not making money for my family.

LeBron James' bad body language on the sidelines in Game 1 was weird and indefensible

To never even look at your teammates in the eye and be like, hey guys, we could still win this game. That was a little weird to me. ... he did the bad body language where he was like, we will lose to Golden State. He didn't look, and he kind of moved his shoulders like, oh, fine. You guys have cooties. I don't want to touch you.

The referees are taking the torch this postseason by being consistently bad

I think the torch goes to the referees. Yes, the refs were also bad. They take the torch from Kevin Durant. A combination of game one and two. They followed it up. At least they're consistent. They're consistently bad.

Draymond Green should get credit for the dress shorts look, not LeBron

Shorts are definitely back. But [LeBron] got co-opted by Draymond Green. Green showed up in some dress shorts, too. I think that's the new look. It's like ACDC chic. Draymond said that he should be getting credit for shorts, not LeBron.

Dan Snyder is sitting somewhere pissed off that a DC sports team is actually winning a championship

What I really do like about this run that we're on is that Dan Snyder is sitting somewhere so pissed off. So, so mad that a sports team in Washington, D.C. is winning something.

Jon Taffer is a curse on everyone

Well, there's definitely a Taffer curse. Yeah, Taffer's definitely a curse. It's a curse on everyone.

Drake doesn't have the bars to keep up with Pusha T in a rap beef

Drake doesn't have the bars... Slash Drake is also very scared. I'm just going to say this. Drake doesn't have the bars.

You can't fire an FBI agent for breakdancing

You can't fire someone for feeling a dance circle. If you've ever been at a wedding, any kind of party, there's nothing more awkward than a dance circle where no one goes in. So this guy had to go in. He did an unbelievable move.

Raleigh Fingers has a better sports mustache than me

I don't think so [that I'm the #1 sports mustache]. Who's number one? You've got to go way before you guys. Raleigh Fingers with the handlebar mustache.

Radar guns should be removed from baseball so pitchers actually pitch instead of just throwing hard

I would take the radar gun out. Pitchers watch. I talked to Jacob deGrom, and he said he looks up there, and if he's at 94, he wants to get to 95. You know they're watching and I think just take them off the board... Just so the pitchers would pitch instead of throw. Nothing better than a pitcher that knows how to go out and watch a guy throw a beautiful game.

Steroid users who were caught should not be in the Hall of Fame

He's tainted. You're right. You shouldn't get in the Hall of Fame. Yes, I do [believe that]. If you're caught.

If Doc Gooden hadn't missed time in 1987, the Mets would have won 10 more games and the division

if we had had Doc [Gooden] I think that it would have been... we would have had 10 more wins. We would have won the division and no one would be talking about this. So that i just those things piss you off... '87 will always stick in my craw.

If you don't appreciate LeBron James' greatness while watching him, you aren't a sports fan

LeBron, at this point, you can hate him... but if you're sitting and watching LeBron and not being like, this is incredible, everything he does, then you're not a sports fan. Even his teammates do it.

John Stockton is the GOAT because he affected every part of the game more efficiently than MJ or LeBron

A guy got the ball 90% of the time and he's very effective... you look up on a scoreboard, and he has 20-something points, 15 assists, four steals, and six rebounds... That's a hell of a game. And you only play 32 minutes... you can't take none of the 34 minutes off against him because he's going to be so effective.

The 1996 Sonics were just as good as the 72-win Bulls

I don't think they [1996 Bulls] were the best team of all time. We was pretty damn good our goddamn self. ... I mean, we had won, what, they won 72, we won 64? ... I think that Sonics team, we won zero plus five years in a row yeah five years in a row.

The modern NBA is soft because referees bail out scorers like James Harden with constant fouls

Basketball has changed. It's not like when we played. We were more physical. We could put our hands on guys. All the jumping into everybody and all the fouls going towards the offensive player, that wasn't happening in our era... Nowadays in this era... letting [scorers] go underneath your arm and letting [them] get the threes when he jump up and you're trying to guard him and the referees bail him out.

The 2004 Lakers were lucky to even make it to the NBA Finals

We were even lucky to get into the championships... Shaq didn't play 50-some games. Kobe didn't play 40-some games. And [Malone] 62. So it was a situation where we were even lucky to get into the championships... we just so happened, got everything together and we lucked up and got into the championship.

Dikembe Mutombo has the worst feet in NBA history

You know, I used to watch his [Shaq's] feet a lot. ... have you seen the Dikembe Mutombo feet? That's the worst.

Draymond Green is the best trash-talker in the NBA today

Draymond is probably the one that can do it the best... Draymond was like me, but he takes it far. And some of the referees would have kicked him out a lot, and he would have had a lot of texts like me.

Chris Jimenez is a terrible friend for publicly revealing that Yu Darvish is sad about Twitter hate

How terrible, though, is it for your friend to go on record and be like, hey, every time you go on Twitter and hate on Yu Darvish, he reads it and he despises it and gets him really sad. Yeah, that's basically the worst thing he could do. I know he was trying to be a good friend. Terrible friend. Very bad friend.

Nick Saban needs to relax and stop trying to expand the SEC schedule

Nick Saban said that he wants to expand the SEC schedule so that you can play nine SEC teams, which is just... Nick, just relax, man. Just chill out. Just fucking chill out. You beat the fuck out of everyone already. Just relax.

Automatic tip screens are intimidating and the minimum amounts are getting too high

When you go to pay for something, the people, when you swipe your card, the tip screen automatically comes up. It's intimidating... it's too much. The lowest amount is too much. If you get a sandwich and they show you it, you've got to tip $3 for a sandwich. That's too much.

If you don't like the Vegas Golden Knights' pregame show, you are a 'piece of shit'

If you're not into that pregame ceremony, I actually said you got a dump in your pants, and I'll reword it here, you're a piece of shit. Because it's awesome. I love it. I get a kick out of it. It's Vegas. You know it's a show.

The NBA is an embarrassing joke of a league because it lacks parity

Being completely serious, it's the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen for a sport. Four goddamn years in a row and you've got the same team... How about you get the Golden State Warriors owner... complaining about what team you're playing against. That shows how much of a joke of the league it is.

Chris Paul not playing Game 7 with a hamstring injury is weak compared to hockey players

So my hammy hurts so bad you can't go out and jump up two inches off the ground and take a jump shot because you're hammy? Are you kidding me? You can't get a shot? Like hockey players, you know how many shots? There's probably, I bet you 18 or 20 guys got a needle somewhere in their body last night just to go out and try to battle for the cup... It's a long way from the heart.

Golden Knights forward Thomas Nosek is the definition of a true 'hockey player' who shows up in the playoffs

Say [James Harden] makes 20 million... and you know who had two goals last night? Thomas Nosek. And what does he make? I don't know, a million? That's a guy who shows up to the playoffs. That's a hockey player.

Half-Baked Idea: A traffic app that gives you directions in the local city's accent

When you go to a city, a traffic app that gives you directions in that city's accent... you go to Chicago and you get a little bit of, 'you go left on the Dan Ryan Expressway.'

There should be a reality show called 'Racism Island' for people fired for racism like Roseanne Barr

Everyone who loses a job for being racist, like Roseanne Barr... should go on a reality show together. They should make a reality show called Racism Island... and then you take all the money that the show generates, and then you donate it to make a scholarship fund for minorities.

I use Grindr to find guys with good haircuts to ask where they get groomed

I signed up for a Grindr account on my phone and then I found the guys that I thought had the best looking haircuts and I messaged them to ask them all where they got their haircuts... It's foolproof.

Chris Paul's shimmy in Steph Curry's face was disrespectful to the game of basketball

When I say it was disrespectful, it wasn't disrespectful to Steph Curry. It was disrespectful to the game of basketball that he did it because they're friends. I don't like playful jousting. You've got to hate the other men.

Grit is defined by being relentless and having maniacal work habits

For me it's it's very simple and we talk to our players about all time it's about being relentless. We talk about intensity. We talk about maniacal work habits and going about it, determination, teamwork, all those things, toughness, hardness about ourselves. Those are the things that we describe grit to.

You can hear grit on a football field without seeing it

I think a lot of it for me is really what I hear, meaning when the practice starts and the pads are on, I can hear grit without actually having to see it. And sometimes during the nine-on-seven drills... I'll just kind of close my eyes and listen, you know and say okay was that a good play for grit? Was that a good toughness play?

True team chemistry is built through shared suffering and relentless work, not group activities like bowling

Chemistry comes in my mind is when you know you're working so hard and I don't think I can take another rep... They're so focused on being pissed off at me, they can't be pissed off at each other. That builds a type of chemistry.

I have eaten more bologna than anyone else in the world

I really believe that, at least at my age. I can say that for sure. No one can beat me in the bologna [eating competition].

Bologna is the ultimate comfort food and survival food

Whenever I want to feel good, I eat bologna. If someone said, what's the one food you're bringing in that bunker? Simple: Bologna. Because it can turn into so many other meals... I fry it... Once I fry it, I kill all that bacteria and I still got a great meal.

Baker Mayfield already 'Gets It' because he refused to draw a stripe on his Browns helmet logo

Baker draws the Browns helmet... they're like, 'Hey, why don't you have the stripe on there?' And he goes, 'Well, it's because I haven't earned my stripe yet.'... He gets it. Baker gets it.

Kevin Durant is the one guy I want taking a shot when the team needs two points

I think Kevin Durant is the one guy I would want to take a shot when your team needs two points. Just two points to put into overtime.

If Brad Stevens loses the series to the Cavs, it is one of the all-time choke jobs

I mean, if [Brad Stevens] loses the series, you've got to chalk that up as one of the all-time choke jobs, right, Hank?

Possession time in football means nothing

The clock don't mean shit. People that talk about it, it's production time... Possession time, nothing. You get no points for possession time.

The best Hall of Fame strategy is to tell them to purposely mess up your plaque so it goes viral

If you ever get inducted into a Hall of Fame, tell them to purposely fuck up your plaque to start... have it go viral and then they'll fix it. But everyone talked about you.

I am way better looking than Ed Sheeran

I'm way better looking than Ed Sheeran. A million percent... The dude can't even pee next to me.

A girl who can throw a perfect football spiral is a major turn-on

A little secret for all the chicks out there, a chick who can throw a sick spiral, that's a turn-on... When you see a girl just throw one just deep in a perfect spot, you're like, oof.

You should never hand someone your phone to show them a picture

You have to be an absolute psycho to hand someone else your phone. You've got to do the holding your phone and scrolling for them. You never give anyone anyone your phone.

James Harden looks like he is taking weird designer drugs every playoffs

I don't understand James Harden. I don't understand how this is supposed to be different, and then he goes to another playoffs and looks like he's taking some weird designer drug the entire playoffs.

The Rockets and Warriors series has the weirdest bodies in peak sports

The fact that these are the two best teams in the NBA playing each other in the Western Conference Finals and if you had them all take off their shirts you'd be like I don't know are these guys peak athletes... Eric Gordon has a full on gut.

Brad Stevens and Danny Ainge are better at coaching and management than LeBron James

Brad Stevens and Danny Ainge are better than [LeBron] at coach and GM. Brad Stevens is so much better of a coach than LeBron. But at the end of the day, LeBron, like, you don't want to get into Game 7 against LeBron.

I'm not trading lives with Prince William because his hair is so bad

That guy, William, that is the worst bald guy I've ever seen. You got to pick it. You're a fucking prince, man. His hair is so bad, I wouldn't trade lives with him. I would not trade lives with the Prince William.

A Chrissy Teigen and John Legend divorce would melt down Twitter

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It would be incredible. It's like sometimes I sit up at night being like, if they got divorced, I think I'd stay up for a week straight on a meth binge just looking at Twitter and getting high off that.

Riley Curry is a fraud for not facing the media after a loss

My problem with Riley [Curry] is she's always the first one to show up after a big win, and she never steps to the podium and faces the music after a loss... Like a fucking coward. Like a fraud. Riley Curry's a fraud.