Takes

DeSean Jackson should sue the Instagram model who insulted him to prove a point

DeSean, the only way you can get people to stop talking about your allegedly micropenis is to take her to court, put it in the papers, make sure that everyone knows that if anyone says DeSean Jackson's got a tiny hog, Guess what? He's going to come after you. That's the easiest way to make people shut up.

I am officially a Donald Trump guy if he legalizes sports gambling

I'm immediately a Trump guy if [Trump] does that [legalizes sports gambling].

I love Applebee's way more than Chili's

I love Applebee's. Way more than Chili's. ... I'm just so stuck on Applebee's for some reason.

The NFL is in cahoots with the Green Bay Packers and Dallas Cowboys

Because everybody loves Green Bay. Everybody wants to see Green Bay on top. ... Oh, so conspiracy. The league. The league has a conspiracy. ... Headline grab. ... Green Bay is in cahoots with the league. Yeah. They like the... Done. It was Dallas, you know.

Jimmy Butler is a top ten player in the NBA

How many players play on a basketball team? Five. And how many teams play at the same time? Two. Okay, so that's what? Ten. Okay, so the NBA All-Star Game rosters came out. Jimmy Butler was named a starter... that would make him a top ten player.

The Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history

Is there any doubt that the Pittsburgh Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history? I don't think Belichick and Brady... they're not going to stack up with the Pittsburgh Steelers in terms of the affection that our football nation has for the black and gold.

Robert Kraft likes Donald Trump because Trump claimed he could get Kraft's Super Bowl ring back from Vladimir Putin

Do you think that Robert Kraft is a Trump fan because Trump said that he could get a Super Bowl ring back from Putin for him? He likes Trump so that Trump can get his jewelry back.

Chris Christie's 'double spin zone' regarding his failed Trump job search is a masterclass in handling embarrassment

Chris Christie, double spin zone. I'm on his side. That's how you – when you get embarrassed like Chris Christie gets embarrassed, you need to layer your spin zone.

LeBron James knows he is a physical specimen but still flops to manipulate the game

It's so funny when LeBron has one of those flop moments, and it's almost like he thinks that we don't realize that he's 6'8 and 260 pounds of pure muscle. And this guy's like flopping. Draymond Green's smaller than him. And they collide. And LeBron basically can bulldoze over anyone in the NBA whenever he wants. But at this point, he's dead. And then he pops back up and he's okay.

Joel Embiid needs to earn his 'umlaut' like Yankee stripes

You earn your umlaut, Joel. Your Yankee stripes. That's right. So, here's a little tip, buddy. So you kind of dug yourself in a hole with this one. Maybe bury the hatchet. Go on [Mia Khalifa's] Amazon wish list and buy her... get her that Sibian she's been looking for.

Tom Brady gamed his initial Patriots combine tests to make his late-career improvement look better

The damnest thing is happening with Brady. In each of the past three years, he improved his test scores in every category... [Hmm]. I used to do that when I did CrossFit... you would just do really, really bad the first one. And then just kind of coast the rest. So maybe that's what Brady's doing.

The contestants on The Bachelor who cried over the Backstreet Boys were faking it

I'm calling bullshit on this. If there's some girls, maybe some girls, like, 1994, 1995 born, they were, like, five years old when Backstreet Boys were big... I feel like that was a try-hard move to start crying for that because they probably don't remember them, right?

Tony Romo would have won the game for the Cowboys because Dak Prescott was 'too efficient' and scored too early

Tony Romo probably would have won that game in Dallas... Dak is better than Tony, but he's exactly better enough that the Cowboys would have scored later on in the game to tie it up. So Dak scored too soon. He was too efficient. Romo would have tied it, sent it to overtime.

Rick Pitino only vouched for Grayson Allen because Allen didn't snitch on him

Rick Pitino... he vouched for [Grayson Allen]. He said, I think it's a reflex action when he does something wrong. He'll lunge out or he'll trip somebody. But he's a good person. I know he's a good person. Rick Pitino went and checked it out... Grayson Allen's a good guy. He didn't tell on Rick. So he's a good guy.

Aaron Rodgers and the Packers have underachieved over the last six years

What we've seen the last eight games out of Aaron Rodgers makes me wonder, why in the hell haven't we seen that the last six years? Why are they continuously wanting out in the playoffs? Why do they continue to underachieve? Aaron Rodgers is one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the sport of football. How does he not already have more than one Super Bowl win?

Officials like Gene Steratore are clearly doing curls and need to be drug tested

Refs are getting like a little bit too swole these days. Is there any drug? I know just Gene Steratore, he's been doing some curls, you can tell. Is there drug testing in place for officials?

Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know what emotions are and interprets all feelings as physical pain

Ben, he thinks that any emotion is pain. He doesn't know what emotions are, but he knows that when he feels something, he's like, that is pain, and I feel it in my deep soul... When Ben learned something new, he's like, ow, my head, it's pain. It's headache. I hurt my brain learning, but I will play through it.

Chael Sonnen is a compulsive liar who needs rehab to stop lying

That's a lie from Chael. He's a compulsive liar. The guy needs to go to rehab to stop lying. He's a compulsive liar. And his father's turning over in his grave right now.

Lane Kiffin was happy to see Alabama lose the National Championship because humans love to see bad things happen to their exes

The second you move on from [a relationship], there's a small part of you that will always love to see bad things happen to that person... And Lane Kiffin is, by all accounts, a much bigger dick than normal people. So you have to believe that he was popping bottles.

Alabama recruits should be upgraded from Dodge Chargers to Mercedes

Fair or not, Nick Saban should stop giving everyone, all his recruits, Dodge Chargers... Maybe upgrade them to the Mercedes, the new Mercedes, please.

The South only has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson once college football season ends

Basically the South has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson. [College football] is the South's real time to shine.

Bubba Watson is the biggest dick on the PGA Tour (just for fun)

We'll give it to [Bubba Watson] just for fun. He's one of my best friends, but... Just for fun, Bubba Watson's the biggest dick on tour. Got it.

Aaron Rodgers only celebrates with class because he's promoting an insurance company

At least Aaron Rodgers, he promotes an insurance company, which isn't evil. [Newton] should learn how to act as a quarterback... confidence with class.

The Seattle Seahawks only win because they know the rule book better and 'cheat' more than everyone else

Did you notice the Seattle Cheahawks were back to their old cheating ways? ...They just cheat a lot. That's all they do. ...By knowing the rule book better than everybody else.

Ben Roethlisberger gets smarter when he is concussed because it shuts off his dumb thoughts

I think Roethlisberger gets smarter when he gets concussed. ...More instinctual. Right, his head gets out of his own way. Right, he's just like a big, dumb animal. All of his terrible thoughts are no longer functioning in his head, so he's able to operate like a normal human being.

Nick Saban probably hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years and just deals with the pain

Nick Saban, he hasn't been to a dentist in 30 years. And he's had cavity pain for all 30 years. ...He just deals with it. He's like, my mouth hurts. ...Day in, day out. That's just what happens.

The Masters' theme music is the instant cure for insomnia

It's also just good for dads out there to have, instead of having to rely on Ambien or something to go to sleep, if a dad turns on the Masters music, he's going to fall asleep within five minutes. Best nap of the year. Instant cure for insomniacs.

Lane Kiffin is a 'child' and a 'loser' who air-mailed the national semifinal

Lane Kiffin is a child. And Nick Saban tried to nurture him and be a father figure. And in the end, he punched Saban in the mouth on the way out... I think it was the fact that Lane Kiffin, and this is hard to imagine, this statement I'm about to make, literally air-mailed in the national semifinal in college football. It's like he didn't bother... I just think he's a loser.

Michigan fans are the most arrogant and elitist fan base in college football

It's Michigan. But Michigan, first of all, it's a good school. But it's not Harvard. They think they are not. Michigan fans, Michigan graduates are just the most arrogant, elitist... The fans talk like it's Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech wrapped into one. It's not. It's a good school that's won a half a national championship in 60 years.

Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football

I think Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football. I really do. I think Charlie Weis was better than Brian Kelly. He was more hilarious. I don't totally disagree. No, you're right about that. I mean, he was expensive from a food standpoint. But I think Notre Dame can afford a couple of extra buffets, but Brian Kelly, I mean, he really... anyone's cooler than Brian Kelly.

Wild Card Weekend is the second-best weekend in sports, behind only Divisional Weekend

If we're doing a power ranking of sports weekends, Wild Card Weekend is in my top three. I've got Wild Card Weekend, I'll call it number two. Divisional Weekend's number one.

The Miami Dolphins' teal and aqua uniforms do not belong in the NFL playoffs

I'm just going to say it, right? The Dolphins' uniforms are not playoff uniforms. They aren't. That's a hot take, I know, but it's the truth. Teal and that aqua and all that shit doesn't belong in the playoffs.

Grayson Allen's tripping incidents are victimless pranks that don't actually matter

The thing about Grayson Allen that I absolutely love is that all of this is victimless and it doesn't actually matter. The stakes are non-existent in this story. And we pretend like they are because we just love to hate Duke so much.

Coach K's leave of absence was a PR move to shield Grayson Allen from the headlines

My theory is that the Coach K leave of absence is one to take headlines away from Grayson. Because that's all he was talking about. And K said, if I step away—and by the way, both of these things are happening right after they get smoked at Virginia Tech. That's not a coincidence either.

College basketball teams in major cities suck because they are too densely populated

New York City, a lot of really good basketball players. How come all the college teams suck? ... I'm going to start betting on teams just based on which one has the lowest population density in their hometown.

LeBron James is the perfect laboratory-engineered basketball player, more so than Jordan

In all seriousness, I think LeBron is... If you had to clone a guy and put five of him on the floor, he's clearly the guy that you would want. If you're making a basketball player in a laboratory from the ground up, you build LeBron James.

Nick Saban should have his man card revoked for getting a massage because of neck pain from watching film

Nick had to go out there and get a massage because he watched too much film and hurt his neck. So take his man card, Hank.

It is better for your date to get injured on a ski trip than for her to be better at skiing than you

He takes her on a ski trip... She starts skiing, and she does backflips going down. And he [Donald Trump] thought that he was going to take this girl out and teach her how to ski. She was better than him. He immediately picked his skis up and walked inside for the rest of the weekend. He's like, this sucks. I can't deal with that. So I would rather that your date gets devastatingly injured than for her to be better.

The NFL MVP race is boring and I don't care who wins

My take on the MVP is I don't give a fuck. Ooh, that's pretty good. So, yeah, a little hot take there for you. I don't really – I can't get excited about an MVP race.

Mike Greenberg's take that the College Football Playoff is better than March Madness is ridiculous

Did anyone tell Greeny that he doesn't know about either of these playoffs because he didn't play sports? ... I mean, it's the most ridiculous statement.

The Starters on NBA TV are sports hipsters

I don't like to shit on other people's quality of their work. But they have a show, and it's actually good. It's very stat-oriented... but like the Starters on the NBA network. They are hipsters. They're sports hipsters.

You cannot be a serious basketball analyst if you never played the game

I just want to ask these fucking nerds. Like, did you ever play? ... If you are a basketball dude and you never played basketball, even in your heart of hearts, and you took it seriously, it's hard for me to take you seriously. Because anybody could play basketball, really, until any age.

Eating a book of lit matches is a valid and effective football motivational technique

Well, not only was it a book of matches, but let's go ahead and remember there was a book of lit matches... Anybody can eat a book of matches. It takes some toughness to eat a book of lit matches... I was an old football guy... us basketball coaches have to rely on some of those [techniques]. My guys loved it, so it seemed to get them fired up for the game.

The status of the victim determines the difference between being murdered and being assassinated

What's the difference between a murderer and an assassin? Like at what point if I died, like if somebody killed me on purpose, it's like a John Lennon. If I get killed, is that am I assassinated or am I just murdered? It's a total status question.

The AFC has been bad for forever

People don't talk about how bad the AFC has been like forever. The Patriots have basically just had to show up every Sunday for the last 12 years, and they'll make it into one every three Super Bowls.

NFL players should be allowed to smoke weed before Thursday night games to manage pain

NFL players should be allowed to do a joint if they were going to play in a Thursday night game. So if you're on a short week, you can smoke weed to get rid of your pain.

Nick Saban is using Hitler-style propaganda to motivate Alabama

This is actually a real technique that Hitler used. To just make up fake news and pretend that you're oppressed. It's called propaganda. Saban's Goebbels. So you're in charge of thinking of all these bad things to say about Alabama.

The 2016 Giants defense might be better than the two Super Bowl winning defenses

I will say that the [2016] defense might be a little bit better than our two Super Bowl defenses.

I will take Eli Manning over any other quarterback in the playoffs

Eli [Manning] just lets it go, man. He is not afraid in the playoffs, and I think that's something that serves him well. I'll take Eli over any of them.

College kickers who wear towels on their hips are soft

You know another thing that pisses me off is when you watch these college guys and they have shields and sweet towel. They have a towel hanging off their hip like they're about to go take a center snap. You're a fucking kicker. Like kick the ball. No one cares what you look like.