Takes

Skip Bayless's brain should be studied because he genuinely does not care that everyone hates him

Skip Bayless's brain should be studied just because he truly does not care that everyone hates him. And I think he might be the only person on it that actually feels that way.

LeBron James can never match Michael Jordan's level of legendary asshole-ness

LeBron could never. Never, ever. ... MJ talks such great shit... [He] has a full staff walking around with highlights ready to go, depending on which NBA players he runs into. ... LeBron could never.

LeBron James is a 'shisha-holic' who needs to stop drinking wine everywhere

LeBron drank wine on the bench. And I think we can all agree he has a problem. ... realize that your king — I'm doing air quotes — your king is a shisha-holic.

Nick Saban hires fired coaches to learn how to beat them in the future

Nick Saban's little plan here is that by the time he's like 100 years old and is too old to coach, he'll actually have coached with every coach who's in college football and he knows how to beat every single one of them. So he wins like an extra seven national championships at the end of his career just because he knows everyone he's coaching against.

LaVar Ball is the living embodiment of my 'future me' theory

He is the living embodiment of future me. Yes. Because he, his, his theory is as long as I never admit anything's wrong, then nothing's wrong. Right. Exactly.

The NFL needs more players like Vontaze Burfict

The NFL needs more Vontaze Burfict. Not the other way around. I want to be scared going over the middle. You need a guy like that in the league at all times.

Adam Schefter is a beta who isn't 'man enough' to cheat on his wife

I don't think Schefter, I don't think he's, like, enough of a man to be a cuck... Schefter's a beta. Nobody except for his wife wants to have sex with him.

The Patriots' franchise success is suspiciously linked to the aftermath of 9/11

Patriots completely changed the course of their franchise after [9/11]. Look into it... the plot thickens. Bill Belichick has not won a Super Bowl without a quarterback [or a national tragedy].

Lady Gaga's Super Bowl halftime performance was stellar

Lady Gaga's halftime performance, which was stellar, by the way. Anyone who hated that, get out of my face. Stop listening to this show.

Mike Wilbon is actually a blogger because his job is the same as Barstool's

Has somebody explained to Mike Wilbon that his job is pretty literally our job? So he's a blogger, too. He doesn't even write columns anymore. You know what? Anybody that doesn't like bloggers, guess what? You're a blogger. I'm going to call you a blogger.

Bill Belichick signs white receivers just to confuse Chris Collinsworth

I think that he just signs white receivers and running backs just to confuse Chris Collinsworth. So the announcers have to take another 15 seconds after they get a first down or touchdown to just make sure that they get the guy's name right.

Jeff Fisher is a king for blaming his failures on Stedman Bailey and Tre Mason

Somehow blamed the last five years of sucking on two draft picks. ... 'We've had some unfortunate things take place with some high picks in Stedman, Bailey, and Trey Mason.' ... King stay king.

The only socially acceptable times for men to cry are at the end of Hoosiers or with a hated coworker to save your job

The only times where it's socially acceptable to cry is at the end of Hoosiers. ... And then with somebody that you hate at work when you're both trying to save your jobs.

Jeff Fisher is lowering the unemployment rate by cutting so many players and creating new jobs for others

Since he's been such a bad coach, he's had to cut a lot of players, which means he's created new jobs for other players. So really, he's out there. He's lowering the unemployment rate.