Takes

Mike Florio's idea of the Bengals and Bears sharing a stadium in Chicago is absurd

The Bengals... Could be to partner up in a new Chicagoland stadium. I disagree. That is not the best outcome for the Bengals. No, not at all. Not even close... I feel like Florio didn't, Florio's the problem always. He's, you, you point at he's the reason that, that you would accept a, a new team that you don't care about.

Skiing is a fitness vacation

[You're going on a diet a week before vacation?] Skiing is basically a fitness vacation. Yes.

Taylor Swift fans did not invent 'gig tripping'; hippies have been doing it for decades

This is from the article. Gig Tripping Combines travel with music, with people willing to merge vacation plans with a music event... This is literally what hippies have been doing for decades. Decades and decades and decades.

Any side dish works with any main course

I don't believe in in Correct the idea that one type of meal, like if you order a steak, then mashed potatoes is the side to that. But if you order pasta, guess what? Mashed potatoes is a great side for pasta too... All sides. If you like a side it works with any main course that you also like.

Ordering delivery from two different places for the same meal makes you a 'fat ass'

I would order from both places for dinner. Yeah. And just do 'em... it would be like three entrees and an appetizer from two different places. Oh. For myself... I am a fat ass and you are a fat ass if you ordered delivery dinner from two different places at the same time.

Men have an innate psychological need for physical 'adventures' like digging holes

I think that like, as we're growing up, I was under the assumption that I would have just non-stop adventures. And I think that guys just need adventures sometimes. It sounds like he's found his adventure, which we should be applauding... guys will literally dig a giant hole in their backyard for years at a time, instead of going to therapy.

Having a rival or a point of principle to beef over is healthy for an adult

I honestly don't. I think this guy is actually the most well adjusted adult I've ever heard because he seems like a great guy, but having a grudge or a point of principle that you will not let up... It's like a bulldog with a tennis ball in his mouth. Sometimes guys just have to do that... Having something to drive you every single day is healthy.

Logan Paul will catch Floyd Mayweather once, and that will wake Floyd up

I think that Logan is going to catch him once. I think he's going to catch him one time. And then that'll wake Floyd up. Because remember, we saw the Mayweather-McGregor fight a few years ago. Same type of thing happened.

The Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul fight is the start of the 'participation trophy era'

The fight ended. No one won. For the first time, I'm going to say the participation trophy era is real. I think that's my takeaway from this. Like, what did we just watch?

House cats are prima donnas that can be easily defeated by any human.

A house cat means that that cat's drinking milk, that cat's sleeping in beds... that cat is fucking total prima donna... I'll fucking strangle a house cat.

Writing an article about what is 'cheugy' is the most 'cheugy' thing you can do

I think the most cheugy thing you can do is to write an article about whether something is cheugy or not.

Everything is 'cheugy' if someone dislikes you enough to label you as such

I think everything can be cheugy. Everything can be cheugy if somebody dislikes you enough to want to force you into a cheugy category.

The Disney 'wokeness' critic is a compelling weirdo

I actually think this guy might rule. I think he might rule. I think I might be a fan of his... the fact that he spends this much time thinking about Disney is weird, but also kind of cool because it's just cool to be that excited about anything.

Fear of missing out (FOMO) is the correct reason to get into Bitcoin or Top Shot

If the only reason you're getting into it is a fear of missing out, that's the wrong reason? No, no, no, no. That's exactly the only reason to get in. The only reason to get into all of these things is that you don't want to someday be pumping the gas for a fucking Bitcoin billionaire's boat.

Jake Paul is lying about being 6'1" and is actually 5'9" because he is the same height as Dave Portnoy

Jake Paul is lying about his height. He's listed at 6'1", but is really 5'9"... I have a picture of him next to Dave Portnoy. And he is basically the same height as Dave Portnoy. He's two inches taller than Dave, who is 5'10".

You can't beat a Waffle House cook on his home turf; you need to use sneaky tactics

I obviously I'm very much on this guy side. I want him to win. I think he needs to start thinking a lot smarter though... you're not going to beat him on his home turf. No, you have to find a sneaky way to do this.

Shitty sports columnists like Phil Mushnick make sports more fun

We need shitty columnists. Shitty columnists make sports more fun while they're trying to make it less fun. Every time I see [Phil Mushnick's] column pop up online it's always for the same reason, which is this column sucks ass, but you know what, he's out there doing it.

The only way to cure a Dave & Buster's obsession is to beat the person and get a higher score on every single game

The only way that you can actually beat this [Dave & Buster's obsession] is if you get better at Dave and Buster's than him. That's the only way. ... The only solution, if you really don't want to go to Buster's, is you have to get the high score on every single fucking game. ... You have to win more tickets than him one time. ... And he will never go again.

The husband starting the magician restaurant is going to go bankrupt

Guess what? You're opening a magician's restaurant and you're putting all your life savings into it and your kids aren't going to college because their dad is going to be opening a magician's restaurant that's probably going to be pretty sweet until you go bankrupt like three months into it.

There is no difference between being a hardcore football fan and someone who treats mouse figurines like family

There's zero difference between what we do and these people pretending that their mouse figurines are part of their family. ... We're paying so much attention to football and watching Hard Knocks and breaking down all 22 for no reason on Twitter, they would probably be like, these guys are a bunch of weirdos.

Communicating with in-laws through mouse figurines would actually be a godsend for avoiding awkward conversations

You're actually lucky because guess what? You don't have to actually ever have a conversation with your in-laws. You just have to have a conversation with their figurine mice. That's a fucking godsend. You never have to be like, oh, when are you having kids? ... Just fucking talk to Timothy the mouse and you're good.

I am less confident in humanity's survival after hearing about people who eat live bugs.

You have people who have been eating bugs their entire life think that they need to share their story with the internet. ... Now we know about him. And I feel like 0.01% less confident that humanity will continue.

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.

Identifying your own white privilege but not changing your behavior is 'Schrodinger's White Privilege'

It's like Schrodinger's white privilege. Just identifying it makes it something. But it also makes it exist and not exist at the same time? Like, if you identify that you're acting like a dick... Newsflash, you're still acting like a dick. If you stop acting like a dick, then you're no longer acting like a dick. I don't think that it can be Schrodinger's dick or not.

A documentary of Lenny Dykstra looking for God would be the most watched thing ever

This is the greatest story of all time. Lenny Dykstra's pursuit to find God. How is this not a Netflix documentary? This would be the most watched thing of all time. Lenny Dykstra just walking around the world looking for God.

A small part of me is afraid of what happens to my identity if the Cubs actually win the World Series.

There's like a 1% of my brain that doesn't fully know what to do if the Cubs actually won the World Series. If they don't win, our identity is still intact. I'm the dog chasing a car and I don't know what I would do if I caught it.