Takes

The Boston Celtics are dead

The Boston Celtics are dead.

The New York Rangers are playing unsustainable hockey and got lucky against Pittsburgh

Rangers fans were losing it because I was like, yes, this team has had success all year, but fuck, do they give up a lot of high, dangerous scoring chances and rely on their goaltending. I think that they're going to get worked in playoffs... believe me when I say they got so lucky that Jarry got hurt and they had to play a three third string goalie, they got [worked].

The NBA clearly has an agenda to extend the Finals series

The NBA clearly has an agenda, like factor fiction. And the NBA would like this series to go more games than four... having the Warriors win tonight guarantees it goes more than four.

Cale Makar is as good as Paul Coffey and approaching Bobby Orr status

[Makar] is the greatest defenseman we've seen since Paul Coffey's probably as good as Paul Coffey. If he keeps going on this trajectory easily, right. Maybe right below Bobby Orr could eventually become like a Bobby Orr type. He is a freak. He's a Connor McDavid of defense.

The Golden State Warriors might be done after losing Game 1 to the Celtics

I actually believe that... the rest, you know, they're done. Yeah. They might be done. I think they might be done when they're done. I think they might be done. I really do think the way they lost this and the fact that the Celtics, like I know that they're their shot-making... what the Celtics can rely on and what they do better than anyone else is, they locked down on defense.

Scousers never tap out in a fight

Bitches. Scousers don't tap... I'm like a fucking salmon going upstream. [I blacked out] and I look up [at] me coach and I staff coming rounds. And I go, I didn't get the top. I didn't stop. I didn't stop. I promise you it didn't stop.

The Heat would have won the series in 5 or 6 games if Jimmy Butler had any help

He's the only reason the series got to seven. He got drill help—if he got any help, the heat win the series in five or six.

Red Bull is cheating in Formula 1

I've found my perfect niche niches that I don't watch any second of the race. And then just say someone cheated after. Cause it was great. It was like, I didn't watch a second a Monaco. And then I was like red bull cheats.

The Celtics' 2022 Finals run has a 'Middleton Asterisk'

Boston's bitch ass. Getting lucky with middle the middle. What? I'm calling the Middleton asterisk, which I will not allow them to enjoy this championship. Should it happen? And it won't.

The Heat lost Game 5 because fans were stuck in long concession lines at halftime

Halftime happens and then we come back. The arena is empty. The fans are all in the building... but most are stuck, still waiting in line for food and watching the game from the monitors... with an empty arena, it's basically shoot around for [the Celtics]. By the time the crowd was back from the concessions, the momentum had turned completely on its head.

Kyrie Irving would be tough for LeBron James to guard one-on-one even in LeBron's prime

Kyrie [Irving] will be tough for LeBron [James] to even guard in his prime. Right. We haven't really seen Kyrie skillset. We've seen snippets, but it's hard to really, really display your ultimate skillset in a five-on-five setting. One-on-one Kyrie... you could probably see things that you never seen before.

The Warriors took Game 4 off against the Mavericks just to avoid the sweep and get a Game 5 gate

They up three [games]. Game four is in Dallas... they took a night off game four, 'Hey, let's make them travel all the way back out to the Bay Area... we'll blow they ass out.' They're playing with their food before they eat it. I got to believe it's over.

Jaylen Brown will win NBA Finals MVP

Jaylen Brown finals MVP... it's like, they're going to try and lock up Jason [Tatum].

The best career move for a backup QB is to have one great game and then immediately get injured

When you're a backup quarterback in the NFL, the best thing you can do is have an awesome game and then immediately get injured and secure your like status as an NFL quarterback for 10 years.

The 2009 Big 12 Championship game was a 'screw job' to get Texas in the National Championship

The time ran out... they wanted Texas to go to the national championship game. Let's let's face it... the game was over.

The Celtics are the better team because they have won 10 out of 12 quarters in the series

The Celtics have played better than the Heat and every single one of the games. If you go by quarters, they've won 10 of them. Which to me means that they're the better team.

Jayson Tatum is a fraud and Jimmy Butler is the best player in the world

For right now, Jayson Tatum's a fraud. [Jimmy Butler] might be the best player in the world. Jason Tatum needed more help and Jimmy Butler might be the best player in the world.

Tom Izzo is officially overrated

The take that I've probably been wrong about, Tom Izzo being overrated. I wanted to be the first person to say that Tom Izzo is overrated. So I think I accomplished that. And then I've been waiting that out. It's starting to look more and more like it's correct adjacent.

European NBA players should be allowed to drink beer during games instead of Gatorade

My problem is not with the beer. I think if you're from Eastern Europe, you should be able to drink a beer, like instead of Gatorade during the game. And that would be fine.

Chris Paul might not care as much about winning as his die-hard fans do

I've been seeing this guy [Chris Paul] and it's, I mean, this is long-term and you know, like in every relationship there's always somebody, the relationship seems to matter a lot more to... It's getting to the point where like, I don't want to say, like, I'm not, I'm not trying to be a victim in this, but like, you can care about somebody for so long. And then you wonder, I don't think this person could care as much as I do.

It is bullshit that NBA players are still missing playoff games for COVID in 2022

I think it's bullshit that anyone should be out for COVID. It's like, it should be like the NFL playoffs where COVID just didn't exist. If you think that like COVID in the spring of 2022 should be deciding playoffs series, you're crazy. Like that's bullshit.

Chris Paul is the best player who kind of stinks

[Chris Paul] is the best player who kind of stinks. Chris Paul, he should be the face of the hall of very good. He should be like first inductee. He should be the president of the hall of very good.

I invented the sports podcast in 2011

I invented a sports podcast with John Wood, spider and a henchman in 2011. Did I ever know that it was going to turn into everybody having a podcast? And I left mine go... I feel like little Richard, I invented [the podcast].

Kenny Pickett is superior to Mitch Trubisky because Kenny followed my fiancee on Instagram

Mitch gets picked up by the Steelers show Respect immediately. DM show the wife respect. I ain't get an answer. Now, you know Kenny Pickett followed me. Kenny Pickett's a fan of mine... after dinner, you know what I got? I got a follow from Kenny's fiancee. Oh wow. Follow. Not doing that holds more weight in my book than a message. So where I stand right now... Kenny ain't coming here to take part Kenny come in here to take over man.

In-N-Out burger is so overhyped

But you go in the conversation as best tasting burger. We're not talking about all the bells and whistles of everything else. And I think that's what In-N-Out does... Great service, great experience, the ingredients yes, very quality. But again, we're talking about a great taste. We're talking about the best tasting burger out there and to me In-N-Out is so over-hyped.

It is not a veteran's job to mentor their replacement

It's not Ryan [Tannehill's] job to mentor the young guy. Like he takes on the young guys. It's definitely a young guy's job they're like pick, get as much from the vet as you fucking can... You never think I'm going to go out of my way and do like, this is in my job responsibility or my job description to mentor somebody else to teach you.

Derrick Henry's long legs are detrimental in short yardage

I had this theory that Derrick Henry has super long legs for his height. ... I feel like it's actually detrimental in short yardage between the tackles, because people can wrap up his legs more. ... every time he like does well in short yardage, it's like in a sweep or he's bouncing out of the tackles.

The Hurricanes will sweep the Rangers

Big Canes fan now. Canes in four. They can't lose at home.

I am the last person in the world who still believes in Ben Simmons

I'm, I'm, I'm the one sucker alive that still believes in Ben Simmons. So I'm like nets could still get some out of them. Crazy, stupid irrational. So I'm not giving up on Ben Simmons. I'm the last person in the world because I'm like six, 10 point cards don't grow on trees.

The Over for the Bills-Rams kickoff game will be my biggest bet ever

I've never done a game of the year, but I, I think I'm in advance calling that my game of the summer ... the over is going to have her and I'm going to, I'm going to like save money as much as I can over the summer bit by bit by bit and squirrel it all away to make this my biggest bet ever. I just, I can envision that being like a 48 47 ballgame.

The Grizzlies might actually be better without Ja Morant

We have a new narrative. That's very fun. Are the Grizzlies better? Without Ja Morant? ... the stat is the warriors or sorry, the Grizzlies are now I think 21 and six without Ja Morant.

Al Horford is Batman and Jason Tatum is Robin

[Al Horford]'s Batman. Jason Tatum's Robin, Jaylen Brown the Joker.

James Harden plays worse in cities with high strip club populations

You know the stat that we were talking about a couple of years ago with James Harden and how he demonstrably plays worse in cities that have high strip club populations.

Andrew Luck was never an elite quarterback because he ordered chicken at a steakhouse

Andrew Luck because I think you guys told me this, that when you went to the steakhouse St. Elmo's Steakhouse in Indianapolis, he doesn't eat steak, eats chicken. Correct. And that's how you knew he was not going to be an elite quarterback.

The NHL is potentially rigged for certain ratings-friendly matchups

The whole debate that we were having last night about the NHL being rigged? Because I think that you're insane for not thinking... the NHL would prefer to have caps first penguins. One last showdown between [Ovechkin and Crosby].

Rich Strike should be retired immediately following the Kentucky Derby win

If I was Rich Strike's owner right now, you just gotta retire this horse. You gotta be like, I'm going out on top. It should just be put out to stud for the rest of its career. Never let it raise again because you're never going to reach—Rich Strike is not going to become the new Secretariat.

Chris Paul is the best player in the NBA who also sucks

Chris Paul, we, yeah, we did determine like, we all agree. He's awesome. But at the same time he sucks. And those are my favorite players. Like he is the best player in the NBA who also sucks ass.

I want Chris Paul to fail so I can keep making fun of Ryan Russillo

I really don't want to lose this take. I don't want him to win a championship. Then we can't have this take. That's very fun to throw around and just pretend that it's all about rings... Ryan Russillo has made it to a point where it's like, I want Chris Paul to fail because I know how much it matters to him. And that's really what male friendship is about.

The NBA should limit teams to 30 three-point attempts per game

What if there was a limit to the amount of three point shots you could take? So teams now have to strategize essentially like you get to take 33 pointers again... Imagine going into a fourth quarter and being like, okay, the suns have 15, three pointers left and the Mavs have used all theirs.

John Sterling has become a parody of himself and needs to retire from the Yankees booth

My hot seat is John Sterling. I think this is a bit at this point... he's blind. For the third time, it wasn't even close. He needs to quickly make the decision so he can say that he's retiring... it's getting like late Francessa where if you become a parody of yourself.

It's impossible to tell if Hugh Jackson was intentionally throwing games or just being Hugh Jackson

The NFL just conducted an investigation to Hugh Jackson's claims that he was paid to throw games and they concluded that. No, it's literally impossible to tell whether or not Hugh Jackson was intentionally losing games or if he was just being Hugh Jackson... there's not a jury in the world that would convict him of doing anything intentionally.

The Tampa Bay Lightning are 'fucked out' and will lose to the Maple Leafs

I just think they're fucked out. You know, when you just been fucking all night long and finally it's 6:00 AM and the sun's coming up and you're like, I'm blowing dust. They went back-to-back, man. A lot of hockey. Your central nervous system can only handle so much. I think that the Tampa Bay Lightning are done.

The New York Rangers will win it all because they finally moved on from Henrik Lundqvist

The narrative that I want get going ... now that the Rangers don't have Lundqvist anymore and they've got a clutch playoff goalie [Igor Shesterkin], this is what they've been missing over all the years. ... It's the Bryce Harper orthosis where after we got rid of him, then the Nats win the title.

Robotic umpires are less accurate than human umpires

The biggest problem with this K-Zone system is it's not exactly accurate. ... They grade the umpires on a machine for home plate every game. ... We didn't have a single umpire—not one umpire—that scored under 95%. ... They already know [the robotic computer] misses 7% of the pitches. We don't have an umpire missing five.

Deshaun Watson will be suspended for the entire 2022 NFL season

I don't think that Deshaun Watson is going to play next year. The more I think about it, the more I think that Roger Goodell is going to step in and be like, that's me, Roger Goodell champion of women everywhere. And we're suspending Deshaun Watson next year. Holy fuck.

The Houston Texans are morons for their draft strategy

It's very funny to me that everyone's spent a year over a year projecting the entire draft and they screwed it up because they forgot that the Houston Texans are morons.

Jordan Davis is a lazy player who takes plays off

He [Jordan Davis] has a fast 40 time, but if he had to run the 40 ten times, his drop-off in times would probably be very [high]... they had video of it in the Alabama game, him taking plays off.

Small dogs like poodles and Australian Shepherds are terrible domestic house dogs

Little dogs are the worst. All these people, they get these little Australian Shepherds that are not good domestic dogs. They are shepherds. And then they get poodles too and different little poodle mixes and they're hunting dogs and they have them running around as though they're like supposed to be nice house dogs, but they are literal hunting dogs.

Trayvon Walker will be the #1 overall pick in the 2022 NFL Draft

I think Trayvon Walker is going to be the pick for Jacksonville, which is a surprise, but that's based on conversations in the last three, four days. Honestly, I thought all along that they would go with Aiden Hutchinson.

Nakobe Dean will not be drafted in the first round

There's some medical things with linebackers right now. So I would say Nakobe Dean, who's probably the most productive player on Georgia's defense, the linebacker is not going to get drafted in the first round.