Takes

Jason Tatum is as good as Kevin Durant right now in their respective careers

I thought that going into it, when we talked to Russillo, I was like, everyone's talking about Kevin Durant. Is there a chance that Jayson Tatum is just as good as Kevin Durant right now in their respective careers? Cause obviously Kevin Durant's a little older, a lot of injuries. Like this series, [Tatum] has been the better player. Not even, that's not even debatable offensive and defense.

Karl-Anthony Towns is a bum for his no-show performance against the Grizzlies

I'm done with Karl-Anthony Towns. I'm definitely done with him... He's a bum. I don't know what to say. Like he has to basically, he now has a legacy series that his hands he has to come out and dominate the next like three games to restore his legacy because now the play-in game and then tonight [Game 3] he was a complete no-show.

Jay Wright will eventually coach the New York Knicks

Now, it would be very funny if Jay Wright were to then coach for the Lakers or the Knicks... In fact, we speculated in 2017 with Jay Wright that he would end up as the coach of the New York Knicks. What about that actually? Jay Wright to the Knicks.

Bam Adebayo was the most versatile and influential defender in the NBA this season

I'd say Bam Adebayo was the most versatile and most influential defender... The center position, the big man position... is the quarterback of the defense. They are by far the most important defenders. And I don't think Marcus Smart is even the most impactful defender on his own team.

The Lakers are a sketchy organization right now that is coasting on its past

This is a franchise that is sort of really based on its own illustrious past... The organization itself, there's a reputation around the league that man, this is kind of a sketchy place... whatever coach comes in there is going to have their hands full.

Kevin Durant is the smartest athlete of all time

Kevin Durant fucking smartest athlete of all time... I don't think I've ever switched from not liking an athlete to loving an athlete harder than I have with Kevin Durant.

James Harden is a quitter whose personality can't be trusted when playoff situations get tense

I have a problem with anyone who's a professional athlete who is okay deciding that they're just not going to be competitive twice in a year because they don't like their situation... if you're okay sucking on purpose and having it happen that many times in a very short span, then why would I bet on your personality when everything's tense and it matters.

Chris Paul will get injured sometime in the middle of the second round of the playoffs

Have you decided what your spin zone is going to be when Chris Paul gets injured somewhere in the middle of the second round this year? ... Emergency podcasts [when the injury happens].

Ty Lue is the Bill Belichick of the NBA

I'll take Ty Lue... someone called Ty Lue the Belichick of the NBA last night.

John Sterling's botched home run calls are so bad he should consider retiring

Stanton hit a bomb, but not deep enough... 'high, far, gone, but caught' is what the call was. Hilarious. Like just a funny clip on the other end. Yankee fans... not exactly the clip you would put on a hypothetical resume. Right? Some people saying he needs to hang them up... His eyes are shot.

There is a zero percent chance LeBron James watched the WNBA draft

There's no way he watched a WNBA draft. There's a 0.0% chance. If he was watching WNBA draft, he would have tweeted it during the WNBA draft, not 24 hours later being like just a thought I've had on my mind recently.

The Nets are going to 'whomp' the Celtics

I think that the Nets are going to whomp the Celtics. I really, I really do. I think it's going to be a whopping... When they want to play well, they can play well. They are the rare team that I think the switch can be flipped on.

LeBron James is a coach killer who has gotten six coaches fired

LeBron has been freed of another coach... LeBron has gotten six coaches fired in his career... I don't know why we don't talk about LeBron James as a coach killer more because Frank Vogel got overall raw deal.

I can hit an 8 or 9 on the 18th hole at Augusta using only a putter

I go putter off the deck off the tee box... then I just go putter the entire time I ended up hitting eight, maybe nine. If the pin's attackable, if it's center green, I think I could do it in eight. If it's back, right, that might be an eight or nine.

Gerrit Cole is a loser for blaming a four-minute delay on a bad start

Garrett Cole said that the game being delayed four minutes was an unforeseen challenge for him. He said the festivities got a little away from the schedule... he's just a loser. Before he came to New York, everyone just assumed he was like the bad-ass dude... then he comes to New York and he's just, he's like sweaty. And he can't answer questions correctly.

The object in the Alaska sky was a UFO shot out of the sky by the government

Many are saying that it might've been a UFO that was shot out of the street that they don't want us to know about. But the government is saying it was just a contrail. I think it has a lot to do with it. Something's going on.

The Cleveland Cavaliers can beat the Brooklyn Nets in the play-in game

I think the calves can beat the nets. I'm just gonna, yeah. [They] are a better match up for us. I still think we can beat the nets. And then if we beat the nests, we have a better path to the finals.

The Phillies will win the World Series after playing the Padres in the NLCS

I think it's going to be the Phillies against the Padres in the world series. I just think those are the two best teams. So they're going to face each other in the NLCS. And then the winner of that, I'm going to say as the real world series champion.

Dilaudid is the greatest thing I've ever experienced

Dilaudid... That is the greatest thing I've ever experienced. I mean, it was really... that shit is amazing. I mean, that's medical heroin and it makes you want to try heroin. It's so good.

Men avoid laughing at comedy because they don't want to surrender control of their consciousness

Tough guys never dance and tough guys often don't like laughing. They don't like comedy. If I'm doing comedy and there's someone in the front row with their arms crossed and they're daring me to invade them... it's because they don't want to give you control of their consciousness. Women tend to be more okay with giving you the control.

Losing to UNC in Coach K's final game will haunt me for the rest of my life

Whenever I'm happy, whenever anything goes in my life, whenever I'm feeling good or like something Patriots, Celtics, whatever it may be. I just know that Daniel Katz is gonna just at any chance he gets be like, 'Hey, remember when we killed coach K and the final four and UNC beat Duke in their last two games.' And it's just going to bring me down.

Coach K's legacy is forever stained by losing his final home game and final tournament game to North Carolina

Coach K's legacy is also forever stained. If Bill Self lost two important games to end his season this year, we would put that as a big dock. He would not be in the Rick Pitino [tier]. Pitino remains unstained.

I am 100% guaranteed to make the cut at the 2022 Masters

The only thing that's made me nervous is for the first time in my life, I've kind of laid my nuts on the table and said I'm going to do something... I texted you that I was a 100% making the cut.

LeBron James' Lakers tenure has been a bust (excluding the Bubble title)

Would you say LeBron's time in LA has been a complete bust because we don't count the Mickey Mouse championship? And do you as a Lakers fan feel disgraced because you basically threw Kobe aside and started loving LeBron? They are right now out of the playoffs... it's been hard defending it.

Coach K's legacy is completely tarnished because he lost his final game to UNC

Coach K is dead... He died as he lived, a loser. Calling Coach K a loser legacy, he's completely tarnished... He is deceased. His legacy is tarnished forever. It can't get worse than what happened.

I will continue to keep the same 'negative' energy about LeBron James as he requested

My who's back is LeBron... his tweets coming back and everyone's retweeting it... 'keep that same narrative energy when it begins'... And we are keeping that same energy. He asked me to... far be it for me to disobey one of LeBron James' orders.

UNC has a 70% chance of beating Duke in the Final Four

My own proprietary algorithm has the chances of UNC winning at 70%.

Duke is going to smoke UNC in the Final Four

I'm very excited. I think [Duke is] going to smoke UNC... I just know how it goes. We know how it goes. We've done it before, you know, we'll do it again.

Soccer is a joke because games are decided by penalty kicks with lasers in players' faces

I said that soccer is a joke. Like the fact that your spot at the World Cup is determined by a fucking penalty kick with laser beams getting shot in your face is a joke.

Tom Brady returned to the Buccaneers on the condition that Bruce Arians was removed as head coach

I think what really happened here is people with brains will agree that there was some sort of deal made between Tom Brady and the Glazer family... he told them that he was going to come back on the condition that Bruce Arians is no longer [there].

Todd Bowles is a top 10 NFL head coach

Todd Bowles coming back pulls my top 10 NFL head coach... sometimes you just say things out loud. If you have a take and then you look dumb for a couple of years after the fact, but then if you wait long enough, guess what that takes coming back around.

Max Homa would be the worst golfer of all time to win the Masters if he pulls it off

Max [Homa] would be the worst golfer of all time to win the masters... I'm saying this from a place of love, max would max home of the be worst golfer of all time to win the masters.

It would be 'fucking hilarious' if the US Men's National Soccer Team loses by 6 goals and misses the World Cup

If the U.S. team loses by six goals tonight then they don't automatically qualify... I as a giant U.S. men's national team soccer fan, I can admit that if they lose by six goals tonight and don't qualify, that is fucking hilarious. I hope either they win or they lose by six or more goals tonight.

The Raiders medical staff almost killed me by accidentally putting air into my veins via IV

That shit just got air. I got air in my veins... they almost killed me. You know what I mean? They basically weren't paying attention... I was laid out on the floor. Like basically I was just sitting there, they pull out the syringe or whatever. And then I pass out. I didn't, I couldn't feel my limbs. I'm shaking. I'm sweating. Jesus. Like, you know what I mean? So that shit was scary.

A UNC win would prove Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K

If UNC wins, that would be an all-time vindication for Roy Williams, being a better head coach than Coach K... If Roy Williams picked the perfect time to walk away and his hand chosen successor beat Coach K who stuck around for year long, suck Fest... I think that's another feather in the cap for Roy.

Will Smith is a Scientologist

Will Smith's a crazy person and Jada Pinkett Smith's a crazy person. I'm pretty sure they're Scientologists... if you have to say, I'm not a Scientologist, you're a Scientologist. That's the test right there.

MLB should adopt the Savannah Bananas rule where a fan catching a foul ball is an out

Banana ball rule number nine, if a fan catches a foul ball, it's an out and it happened and it went viral... I feel like the majors should consider... if they did that to the majors, that'd be, that would change the game with home field.

Bert Kreischer has a Division 1 level tennis serve

I have a division one serve in tennis... I aced him [Tom Segura] 42 times... his tennis coach pulled Thomas out before the match. He said, 'heads up your boy's got a division one serve.'

Hank's parlay: Duke wins the title, Celtics win the championship

Duke Celtics championship future... Duke money line, Kansas money line and Celtics championship... 5,000 pays 115,000. That's it.

Drew Timme does not have the killer instinct

I'm going to say it right now. Drew Timme doesn't have the killer instinct. I love that [drop step] move. But yeah... [Chet Holmgren] got in foul trouble and they kept just going right at them.

Gonzaga's window to win a title has officially closed until they move conferences

I'm officially announcing that until they move to a real conference, Gonzaga's window has officially closed.

Michelin stars should be abolished because there is no baseline for modern comparison

Quite frankly, I would rather not see stars anymore at all. Nowadays it's just how you compare. And there's a pizzeria in Jersey City that is great, but it got three stars. How do you compare that with three stars that, you know, Jean-Georges got? So there's no baseline for understanding what that review even means anymore. That's why I think they should just get rid of the stars.

Duncan Robinson is a 'pussy' for not getting involved in the Heat bench fight

Friend of the program, Duncan Robinson, when the Miami Heat were all fighting each other, he like backed off and didn't do anything kind of like a little bit of a pussy... I think like when there's a fight going on, you should probably in some way [help].

Urban Meyer's health issues during coaching stints are an ego-driven defense mechanism

I really think that the worst punishment that they could have had for him is not firing them, but just making him continue to coach and lose on the Jaguars... those the the mental issues and like the the fake sicknesses that he would have... his entire ego is built around him being successful and beating people that when there's even just like a small crack in that foundation of him starting to think, maybe you're not as big a winner... he just crumbles.

I'm betting the St. Peter's money line against Purdue despite the physical mismatch

In the game against St. Peter's... there's no reason why I should bet St. Peter's against this team... with the physical mismatch... But I'm still gonna do it. Cause fuck it. Cause I ride. Sometimes you just gotta take the part of your brain that thinks that it's being smart and tell it to shut the fuck up.

My St. Peter's players are not scared of anyone because they are from New York and New Jersey

The question was asked, how'd you guys handle that, Murray State's a very physical team... I said, come on man, I got guys from New York and New Jersey, like, this is what we do... I got some dudes in my locker room, man. I got dogs... my guys think they belong at Kentucky. So they think they belong at schools like that.

John Calipari is officially on the hot seat

March madness, recap of day one biggest story, Kentucky, John Calipari, officially on the hot seat.

Tom Brady will eventually end up playing for the Las Vegas Raiders

Davante Adams goes to Las Vegas. This lends more credence to my just pot shot that I took in the dark earlier this week that Tom Brady is going to end up in Las Vegas.

The Jets are a wagon and will beat the Patriots in Week 8

Jets are a wagon, calling it. Week 8 at MetLife, they're beating the Pats, calling it right now. We're updated, upgraded... we don't have Mr. INT anymore.

Gonzaga will become the 'new Duke' if they win the title

Gonzaga becomes the new Duke if they win. They really do... Mark Few is not as likable as I think Zag fans think he is... I think in Gonzaga not winning the title is actually great for college basketball.