Tom Segura, Pete Holmes, Tiger Is Back And Baseball World Series Picks

Tiger Woods is the only person who can pull off a mock turtleneck; anyone else would look like a tube of cookie dough

The mock turtleneck, short sleeve, tight shirt, people are going nuts over and you're going to see a lot of guys that try to pull off this look that Tiger's got right now. And it's only Tiger that can pull this off. If you or I showed up, it would look like we got a big tube of cookie dough that got left out in the sun for three days.

LeBron James is noble for missing the playoffs to give young NBA stars the spotlight

LeBron decided that now was the time to step away from the game and put the spotlight on some up and coming players that might not be able to get that much attention if LeBron was still around dominating the conversation.

The Dodgers will beat the Mariners in the 2022 World Series

The Dodgers versus the Mariners. Dodgers win. I'm going to go like that. Mariners going to be the playoffs in 20 years.

The Phillies will win the World Series after playing the Padres in the NLCS

I think it's going to be the Phillies against the Padres in the world series. I just think those are the two best teams. So they're going to face each other in the NLCS. And then the winner of that, I'm going to say as the real world series champion.

New York City has been a joke of a sports town for the last decade

New York city as a sports town is a joke. It's the entire time we've lived here. It's been a joke. It's been like that for like a decade. I think it was the first decade in the history of New York that no team won a championship.

Dilaudid is the greatest thing I've ever experienced

Dilaudid... That is the greatest thing I've ever experienced. I mean, it was really... that shit is amazing. I mean, that's medical heroin and it makes you want to try heroin. It's so good.

Dana White is banned from most major casinos for winning millions at blackjack

Dana White is banned from almost every major casino for playing blackjack because he has taken them for millions. He has a system and one of the casinos, they gave him a belt and they're like you are the champ and you are ready to kick somebody out. I don't know what his system is and we're talking walking out with like, 'Hey, I won $1.3 million playing blackjack.'

Will Smith is actually at his most employable right after a public scandal

I feel like now would be the time to get Will Smith. Everyone's talking about him. It's like the safest time to fly as after a plane crash. And so like, if you want Will Smith to not slap somebody, now's the time that you bring Will Smith around.

Men avoid laughing at comedy because they don't want to surrender control of their consciousness

Tough guys never dance and tough guys often don't like laughing. They don't like comedy. If I'm doing comedy and there's someone in the front row with their arms crossed and they're daring me to invade them... it's because they don't want to give you control of their consciousness. Women tend to be more okay with giving you the control.

The awareness of death is what makes things like ice cream taste better

The fact that we're only here for a time imbues this moment with a richness that wouldn't be there if I lived forever. The stakes of death are what give life more value. And I would say make ice cream a little bit more delicious because it means more that you know it might be your last.

Losing to UNC in Coach K's final game will haunt me for the rest of my life

Whenever I'm happy, whenever anything goes in my life, whenever I'm feeling good or like something Patriots, Celtics, whatever it may be. I just know that Daniel Katz is gonna just at any chance he gets be like, 'Hey, remember when we killed coach K and the final four and UNC beat Duke in their last two games.' And it's just going to bring me down.