Takes

Wisconsin should hire Rick Pitino as their next head coach

We need to do a better job of getting Rick Pitino a job... Where else is there a head coaching vacancy? [Hank: Wisconsin]. I'd fucking take him in a second. I think that would make my life so much better if Rick Pitino was the coach. I mean, we would win the national title.

Magic Johnson resigned because he wants to spend more time tampering

Magic Johnson... announces that he is stepping down as president of basketball operations from the Lakers... We all thought when he did it, we're like, oh, he is upset because he can't tamper as president. And so he wants to retire to spend more time with his tampering.

LeBron James will eventually fire everyone in the Lakers organization, including Jeannie Buss

I think LeBron is going to fire everyone if they don't get another star. He'll go all the way up the ladder. He'll probably tell Jeannie Buss she's fired.

Antonio Brown is actually nuts and the Steelers will benefit by moving on

The bottom line is both Aaron Rodgers and Antonio Brown are a couple of messy bitches who love drama... It's come out that [AB] is basically like... yeah, he is insane... I could see an addition by subtraction.

Paul Pierce's career ceiling was Dwyane Wade with arthritis

I think at the height of Paul Pierce's career, he was still like Dwyane Wade with arthritis. That was his ceiling.

The 2006 Suns were better than the 2007 team that everyone thinks should have won the title

Everybody speculates thinking [2007] was the year we should have won the championship... I don't. [The year before that] was better... I was physically, mentally drained because I was going from Sam Cassell to Elden Brand and Chris Kaman. From Kobe to Lamar to Ron Artest... Then I had to go against Dirk. My body was shut. I was tired. I was dead tired.

LeBron James shows his teammates up too much on the court

I think he shows his teammates up a little bit too much on the court. You know, and, you know, that's just part of him. I mean, you know, he kind of feel like he earned that. And I mean, that's him... but that's one of the things I don't like he does.

The Jets should release new, shittier uniforms every year to match the state of the franchise

The Jets should almost come out with new shittier versions of their uniform every year because that goes right along with the state of the franchise. And it's probably if you can get the people talking about how bad your uniforms are, that's a great distraction for the Jets.

The Steelers will be better after trading Antonio Brown

I'm at the point where I'm going full-on addition by subtraction. The Steelers are going to be better without Antonio Brown.

Texas Tech will beat Michigan State because Tom Izzo is overrated

I am going to go with Texas Tech... Based on Tom Izzo being overrated. So I'm taking Texas Tech. Also, their defense is really, really good. Admittedly, I've watched one of their conference tournament games, and then I've watched them every game in the NCAA tournament, and their defense is fucking awesome.

I am officially panicking about the Cubs in the first week of April

I've already taken the panic button out of my closet for the Cubs. It's April. I know. I don't care... If I have to watch Yu Darvish pitch more fucking walks and Jason Hayward hit into more double plays, I will smash the fuck out of that panic button.

John Calipari's lifetime contract actually proves he was on the hot seat

This also, I think, proves that we were right all along by saying Cal's on the hot seat because you don't give a lifetime deal if a guy's not on a hot seat. You know what I mean? You just let it ride out because you're like, it's fine... To do this drastic deal for life, that feels like they're trying to get in front of the hot seat that probably was very, very hot.

Tom Izzo is overrated until he wins a second title

Tom Izzo himself is on board the Tom Izzo is overrated bandwagon. He said that he needs another title to validate his time there as a head coach. Okay, so I'm going to consider that a win for myself. And if he wins this year, then guess what? I'm taking him off my overrated list.

There is no such thing as a clutch gene

Is the clutch gene real? No, not real at all.

LeBron James has smelly breath and halitosis

LeBron James has smelly breath, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Not just because of the wine, but because LeBron definitely is surrounded by yes men, and he probably just does his halitosis breath in everyone's face. You think Maverick Carter's going to be like, hey, Bron, how about a fucking piece of Trident?

Tom Izzo is a very overrated coach because he does not win enough championships.

I still think that Izzo is very, very, very overrated. Final fours. Yeah, that's fine... When was the last time they won a championship? I'm about rings, dude. I don't know about you. I don't care about Final Fours, all that bullshit.

Coach K and John Calipari are more focused on building their brands than winning basketball games.

Cal and Coach K are not playing the same game as everyone else. They're not trying to win basketball games. They're trying to win their brand. They're trying to build their brands and keep the machine just churning. And they don't want anyone to notice.

Antonio Brown already wants off the Raiders

Antonio Brown is still subtweeting people. He's still going after people... my theory's right. Like, he doesn't want to be a Raider... He's like one step away from being like, I love the Raiders so much and this is the best move of my entire life. I'm so happy and here's a podcast telling you how happy I am.

The Giants will win the NL West

And then in the NL West, we'll go with the Giants.

The Cleveland Browns will win over 12.5 games in 2019

Over [12.5 wins]. Do you expect me to say under to that? Guaranteed.

Rick Pitino will sign with Alabama to be their next head coach

I'm going to get the last laugh when [Rick] Pitino signs with the Crimson Tide. [If he doesn't] then I'm going to delete the tweet.

PFT Commenter looks like a greasier version of Post Malone

You look like a greasier version of Post Malone. He looks like he stinks worse than garbage. He looks like a New York City street.

Fighting is dead in hockey because social justice warriors have taken over and influenced the league

Fighting is dead in hockey... all these social justice warriors have kind of taken over and directed the league in a certain way. I feel bad for league officials... because it's just a constant barrage of people bitching about everything.

Antonio Brown secretly hates being an Oakland Raider and will demand a trade within six weeks

Antonio Brown... I don't think he wants to be an Oakland Raider. And he's trying to convince himself that this is the good move... I think Antonio Brown is secretly like, this is kind of a bad deal... I wouldn't be shocked if he demands a trade within the first six weeks.

Liberty University is the best Cinderella story because of their midnight curfew

I would say Liberty is a better Cinderella story because they have to be home by midnight. That's actually a rule on campus. True, true. That is. Some steep curfew for them. Yeah, Liberty, they're my team this year.

Jamarcus Russell had a stronger arm than Josh Allen

I watched him [Jamarcus Russell] throw. I was like, holy hell. That dude had the strongest arm I've ever seen. I know you guys are big Josh Allen fans. I'm a big Josh Allen fan. Jamarcus Russell had a stronger arm than Josh Allen.

Joe Thomas's draft day fishing story was staged

Joe Thomas. He didn't even go to the draft. Yeah, exactly. He was fishing. Which is the biggest BS... There's no way that boat got that far off the dock before it came right back. I just thought, I was like, this had to have been staged. Because either A, you're getting so far out, you don't have cell phone reception. Or B, it wasn't going to time out... I think he got [the fish] from the supermarket. They just put it on the boat.

I was definitely willing to break the arm of the man trying to steal my car

Were you willing to break his arm? Because that's a true armbar. Oh, yeah. I was definitely willing to break his arm. Yeah, but he basically was like, stop and cry. He basically verbally tapped. Yeah, he verbally tapped, but that didn't stop me.

Baseball writers will hold Ichiro's unannounced retirement against him in Hall of Fame voting

This is going to cost him some votes in the Hall of Fame. When he's eligible, people are saying that he might be another unanimous entry... but I would not put it past baseball writers to get upset about not getting the heads up about his retirement and hold that against him five years from now.

Eli Manning is still a good quarterback and the Giants know exactly what they're doing

This narrative that Eli [Manning] is overpaid and can't play is a crock. Dave Gettleman, the quote machine. Just wanted to get that out of the way. All you asking out there, the Giants know exactly what they're doing. Eli is still good.

UC Irvine will upset Kansas State and reach the Sweet 16

I'll tell a big upset I like. I like UC Irvine to the Sweet 16. They play Kansas State. Dean Wade's not going to play. I don't like Kansas State at all... And UC Irvine's the only team in the tournament with 30 wins.

Duke is guaranteed to win the 2019 National Championship

No chance Duke doesn't win the title. Put it on a shirt.

Oregon will beat Wisconsin in a massive 12-over-5 upset

Check out that Oregon-Wisconsin game, which is a one-and-a-half-point underdog for Oregon. Huge upset coming.

Yale will upset LSU in the first round of the 2019 NCAA Tournament

LSU doesn't have its coach. Yale has an NBA prospect in Miye Oni... I'm going to take Yale to beat LSU.

Ethan Happ will never miss another free throw if he thinks the word 'wet' before shooting

I need you to when you get to the free throw line just say in your head wet right before you shoot just go wet and it just like it will change everything... You actually will not miss another free throw for the rest of the season. Isn't that wild?

Ja Morant is the second-best player in the 2019 NBA Draft and an electric passer

I think he's the second-best player in the draft... This kid is unique because he, I got to say it the right way, he's Trey Young with more athleticism... I'd be shocked if he doesn't go two.

Maryland's Bruno Fernando will end up being a lottery pick in the NBA Draft

They have a developing young big guy in Bruno Fernando who's going to end up in the lottery. People don't know that yet because I think our guys at ESPN have him 27th. He's going to end up in the lottery.

The Cleveland Browns will win the AFC North

The Browns are the best team in the AFC North. Yeah, they are the best team in the AFC North. The Ravens watched part of their defense walk out. The Steelers watched their running back and wide receiver walk out. And the Bengals are the Bengals. The Browns are going to win the AFC North.

The Jacksonville Jaguars made the biggest mistake in franchise history by signing Nick Foles

The Jacksonville Jaguars made the biggest mistake in franchise history. I have put a curse on them... basically we're just cursing Nick Foles because Nick Foles, you should not have done that... You can't fill the shoes of Blake Bortles in Jacksonville.

This is the end of the Golden State Warriors dynasty

The Warriors are on the hot seat because the Warriors are breaking up... Steve Kerr is sick of Draymond's shit. Now, I don't know if that was actually what he was talking about, but it's clear the Warriors have... I feel like this is it. This is it. This is the end. Don't you?

Stephen A. Smith is horny all the time

Stephen A. Smith addressing his horniness... He's now clarified he's only horny some of the hours. He said a couple hours a day... He responded to someone saying, 'Sexy photo too. Evidently, you're trying to get yourself in trouble,' winky face. He's fucking horny. Dude is horny.

Derek Carr will not be the Raiders' quarterback going forward

There's no way that Derek Carr is going to be the quarterback going forward, right? I'm saying [Jon Gruden] is going to get Kyler Murray. I think he's going to put all those chips [in].

The Steelers with Bell and Brown were the greatest fake dynasty of all time

Can we say the Steelers had the greatest fake dynasty of all time with Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown? Yeah, and at various points they had the best wide receiver, best running back, and a top five quarterback all at the same time and won absolutely zilch.

Adnan Syed is definitely guilty

The one you're talking about [Serial] came out five years ago about Adnan Syed. Who I think is really, really guilty. But for some reason, they just... I don't know. He just seems like it was a show about a guy that was guilty that had very charming murderer.

Tiger Woods will win the Masters this year

Tiger will win the Masters this year. [If he doesn't] I'll get Hank two years of tuna fish for his cat.

The NFL should replace all officials with combat veterans and Navy SEALs

Jay Glazer... has maybe the greatest idea ever. Hire all new officials—all combat veterans, special operations backgrounds, go hire a bunch of Navy SEALs, Marine Recon, Delta Force, those guys. They literally can react faster than the rest of the world, even when bullets are flying... and also coaches will be a little less inclined to rip into them out on the sideline.

Alex Caruso is a crisis actor from central casting

Caruso is not a real person. I'm convinced that Caruso is a crisis actor. They went to Central Casting in Hollywood, and they were like, we need somebody that looks like he's had all this talent drained by the Monstars.

Steph Curry is the most disrespected superstar in the NBA by his own peers

I think [Steph Curry] is the most disrespected by his peers superstar, which is weird... I feel like a lot of the athletes hate Steph. In some way, it's some bad thing because he had this awesome upbringing... it felt like all five of these guys had ad campaigns built on addressing the haters.

LeBron James will never win another NBA championship

The easiest thing to do in these shows is you just sit out there and you go, I'm guaranteeing it right now LeBron's never winning a championship. It's actually the better bet to make because these are really hard... People at the end of [Kobe's] run don't want to go play with him now. And that was real... I can see where it could go that way [for LeBron].

I could beat up Steph Curry and Klay Thompson in a fight

I don't think Klay would care. Klay would be like, dude, I'm just going to tap out. Is that cool? ... Steph, the thing is, is what if Steph beats me? ... I don't think Steph would beat you. I think you could use your dialing... I'm going to give you two and a half out of five [starters].