Takes

College coaches should only be punished for cheating if they win the national championship

I think you should only get punished for cheating if you win the national championship.

All porn history will be public knowledge within 10 years

I'm very long woke on the fact that eventually all of our porn history is going to come out. Within 10 years, you're going to know what kind of porn your president watches.

I guarantee the Virginia Cavaliers will make the Elite Eight

I have decided that I'm going to take the Virginia Cavaliers for real. I'm guaranteeing an Elite Eight appearance. Because they'll get a one seed... they'll get a one seed, and I think Duke will get a one seed, and the only team that can beat him is Duke.

NFL owners, not Roger Goodell, will decide Robert Kraft's punishment

I don't think it's going to be Roger Goodell that does the things regarding Robert Kraft. I think it's going to be owners that do the things. The fellow owners. Roger Goodell, his bosses are the owners. And I believe his bosses will ultimately decide how the situation is handled.

LeBron James is in 'playoff mode,' which means he will not win another title

Playoff mode for LeBron means that he's not going to win another title. So he is currently in playoff mode.

If the US prioritized rugby, we would be the best football country in the world

At this point, if the U.S. took our best rugby players from a young age and taught them football, we would be the best football country in the world. That's how good our rugby team is.

Jason Witten was essentially fired by ESPN

Jason Witten just got fired. Let's just call it what it is. If he was good at his job, he would not have gone back. I think ESPN was essentially like, dude, we're not saying you're fired, but... you're fired.

Dwayne Haskins is the clear-cut #1 quarterback in the 2019 draft

Haskins is number one. Better than Kyler Murray. Clear cut, stand in the pocket, read the field quarterback.

Antonio Brown is a quitter and only worth a third-round pick

What would I give up for him? The third round pick. That's it? No more. I tend to agree with you. He quit. He quit. He's a quitter. Let me say it again. He's a quitter. If I'm on his team and the Steelers players weren't happy about it, he quit on them.

Eli Manning didn't play as poorly in 2018 as the media portrays

Eli didn't play that bad last year. He did not. He did not. Dude, sir. The team stopped. His line was awful. I said he didn't play as poorly as you guys are portraying.

LeBron James has no friends left and even Carmelo Anthony is ducking his calls

He's such an unusual individual that he's lost all of his friends. ... Even Melo, it's gotten to the point where Carmelo Anthony is ducking LeBron James' calls because that's a toxic friendship.

LeBron James will never win a championship without Lonzo Ball

Lonzo Ball is actually the most correct of anyone because he said that LeBron will never win without him... LeVar Ball said that LeBron will never win without Lonzo, and the Lakers are not as good of a team when Lonzo's out.

The world will be over in 15 years

I think take away the zero [from 150 years]. Oh, 15. ... [The world's] done.

Patrick Kane is the greatest American-born hockey player ever

Kane, holy shit, he keeps getting better. It's the best I think it's the best he's ever been. It's just he's the best American-born player ever. That's my hot take of the day.

Michael Jordan never took days off or missed games whereas LeBron James does

Michael, no matter what, he compete, no matter what. LeBron, you can see LeBron, what he's doing. He don't even play defense anymore. He don't give a fuck. Michael played every fucking day, every day, every game. LeBron's taking days off.

Adam Schefter is helping Robert Kraft by reporting there is a 'bigger name' in the prostitution sting

Adam Schefter says there's a bigger name involved, and somehow we don't have the bigger name, which leads me to believe that Adam Schefter is doing Robert Kraft a favor by basically sending everyone on a wild goose chase to figure out if Tiger Woods got jerked off.

Prostitution and sports gambling should both be legal

Prostitution should be legal because gambling should be prostitution and we take all the bad things out of the shadows so that people don't get harmed. Yes, and you should be able to do both on sports. They should have prostitutes in stadiums.

I am one of the top five hash makers/pressers in the world

I'm one of them. [Top five hash squishers]. For sure. There's no doubt about it. It's like the Kobe beef of making hash. I press the hash. I do the Revlon. But that's also a talent and an art in itself.

LeBron James will fake a season-ending injury if the Lakers miss the playoffs

As soon as it becomes like this is a realistic thing [missing the playoffs], [LeBron James] will definitely be like, oh, my hamstring hurts because too much sheesh. My groin. His groin issue. All the sheesh has added weight to my groin.

Zion Williamson should not play another second of college basketball this year

I think that Zion, especially for a young man, an outstanding young man who has so much to gain, there's really no point in him playing another second of basketball this year.

I would rather be a racehorse than any other athlete

Horse racing... You compete three times. If you retire at the top of your field, and then you just fuck for the rest of your life. That's all you do. You just get paid to fuck, fuck, fuck.

Kyrie Irving's leadership style is based on his Uncle Drew character

I think Kyrie Irving has just thought he is like now Uncle Drew because he was in that movie. He is like the old guy who's trying to teach everyone else on the team... he doesn't really know how to be like a true leader except for a really bad Hollywood movie.

Manny Machado is effectively early retiring by signing with the San Diego Padres

This is basically a — he almost is early retiring. He's quitting. It's a great situation for him because they're not going to win shit, and he doesn't really care about winning shit. He's going to be able to stomp on all the feet that he wants out there. He's going to be able to dog infield ground balls.

Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer

The thesis that you can give after reading this is Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer. [Big Cat]: Jesus Christ. What a fucking wacko.

Jim Harbaugh is in actual trouble at Michigan because he can't get his team emotionally prepared for Ohio State

I think [Jim Harbaugh] is in actual trouble at Michigan... He doesn't have those guys emotionally prepared to play Ohio State, whereas Urban Meyer makes a bunch of kids from Florida and all over the country somehow hate the state of Michigan to a level that, like Jim Harbaugh, it feels like every time they get to that big game, they fall completely flat.

John Elway is officially canceled as a GM

John Elway has been canceled. He is obsessed with height. Height is not everything. He has traded for Joe Flacco... John Elway will not hear of anything unless you are a tall, rocket arm quarterback. And guess what? He's been canceled... He cannot find a quarterback.

If Duke doesn't reach the Sweet 16, I will buy and keep a cat

Sweet 16, you got a deal... So if Trey Jones is injured, they'll still get to the Sweet 16... No, you guys definitely fucking planned this before the show... I'm so confident in Duke that it doesn't matter.

I am not going to the White House to celebrate the Super Bowl win

No. I might make TMZ for that... People make it more big of a deal like this will probably get blown up.

Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the college season

I think Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the year and save himself for the NBA. Honestly, though, seriously, all jokes aside, if he blows out a knee or something like that, he probably won't be a top five pick anymore... Your job is not to make Coach K another $10 million. Your job is to look after your own future.

Having a pass batted at the line of scrimmage is better than throwing an interception

I submit that getting your passes batted at the line of scrimmage is better because some of those balls would have turned into interceptions. So Brock Osweiler throws a lot of balls that don't get tipped. And he trips over himself. That's why he throws so many interceptions.

Matthew Stafford will own major passing records and still be considered a bad quarterback

Matthew Stafford is going to be a real problem for the NFL Hall of Fame. when he plays 10 more years and has every record and is the shittiest quarterback of all time. Matthew Stafford was basically the most perfect, terrible quarterback to come along and play as much as he is. If he plays for like 10 more years, he will have every record.

The Jets will sign Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell but still win only six games

This is going to be just the Jets getting Antonio Brown in, Le'Veon Bell, and then still winning six games, right? Yes. Because that's going to be... It's going to be so funny.

I honestly thought I could be a Premier League goalie with one year of training

I swore I could be a Premier League goalie. And she's [my girlfriend, Kealia Ohai] a soccer player. So I was like, give me one year to train. I think I can do it. So she goes, okay, come to the field... She smoked a ball past my face so fucking fast. And I was like, no chance. You can give me five years to train. No chance.

The Celtics should trade whatever it takes to get Anthony Davis in his prime

If you can get a player like Anthony Davis in his prime, you do whatever it takes to get him. It's the exact same thing as the Khalil Mack situation. I don't want them to blow the whole thing up, but the reality is that they are most likely going to try and blow the whole thing up.

LeBron James screwed over the Lakers by trying to tamper for Anthony Davis

LeBron screwed the Lakers. LeBron screwed the Lakers... This was like the most blatant act of tampering of all time... And now everyone hates him on the Lakers. And it's hilarious.

LeBron James will fake an injury down the stretch to avoid the embarrassment of missing the playoffs

I'm predicting right now LeBron will have some kind of injury coming down the stretch... There's no way LeBron James is going to play the rest of the season and miss the playoffs. Like, willingly do that.

Roger Goodell has a difficult job and is deserving of respect

I've known Roger for a long time... The job is a job, you know, and he's caught up in a complex tsunami of drama and players and egos and obviously complicated owners... I'm a fan of Rodgers. I don't think he gets everything right all the time, but I think if either of us, three of us had that job, we'd probably be vilified.

A ground rule double in baseball should count as a home run

I also think that a ground rule double should be a home run. Not the weird one where it gets stuck in the ivy, but just if it bounces over, I think that should count as a home run.

The QuadrigaCX Bitcoin CEO fake-died in India to steal everyone's money

The Bitcoin guy... Big Cat goes, he's still alive. And they are investigating his death because they don't think that he's actually dead... This guy is alive. He has all your Bitcoin. If you have Bitcoin with him, I'm sorry, but he's fake dead and you're shit out of luck.

The Bitcoin exchange CEO who reportedly died with the passwords is not actually dead

There's no way he's dead, right? There hasn't been a good fake death in a while... He is living it high with, he's probably fucking whales with John McAfee in wherever the hell they are.

This is finally Virginia's year to win it all

I actually believe in Virginia this time. Honest to God, hand to God... This is their year. No, I don't know if they're going to win. Their offense is better this year than it has been every year.

The Pac-12 is just soft because the weather is too perfect

The Pac-12 is just soft. Their only hope is to like import kids from the East coast... who wants to go to UCLA and like be in a gym all day, every day and work on your game? No, that's not why you go to UCLA.

Roger Goodell is the stupidest person in the world for having Dave Portnoy arrested

I'm starting to think that Goodell and this whole crew, he's the stupidest guy in the world... How could he not realize... the fact of the matter is, it's one thing if they were to stop them and they saw him when he got in there, but apparently they were hunting them down during the game.

I can still kick a 60-yard field goal and play in the NFL on third downs

I think I could play maybe third downs... I'm good from 60 right now still. [The Bears need a kicker] Yes, they do. Come back.

Winning Super Bowl 53 means Rob Gronkowski has three rings because of rounding rules

If Gronk had lost that Super Bowl, he'd still have one Super Bowl ring, but winning that Super Bowl means he has three... if you weigh 250 pounds, you can say, I'm pretty much 300 pounds... everybody would be like, yeah, you definitely look like you weigh 300 pounds.

The NFL is running a 'long con' with referee John Perry to make the Patriots win

In Rams games, [John Perry is] 7-0. In Patriots Super Bowls, Patriots are 0-1. So is this also an NFL long con where they planted John Perry in 2007 to basically ref for a decade-plus and be really biased towards the Rams so that everyone would be like, oh, the Rams are going to win this because the NFL is corrupt. Oh, switcheroo, the Patriots won.

Tony Romo will be the Cowboys head coach in 2020

I did hear, though, that the Cowboys aren't going to extend [Jason] Garrett. So he's going to be a lame duck next year. You know what that means. Coach Romo. Coach Romo in 2020.

LeBron James clearly tampered with Anthony Davis

Anthony Davis and LeBron James had dinner together. Wouldn't that seem kind of perfect that they waited about a month after their dinner for Anthony Davis to demand a trade? ... LeBron James probably doesn't have to pay an agent's fee. He probably owns part of Clutch Sports. And guess what? Anthony Davis is going to go to the Los Angeles Lakers... LeBron James completely tampered here.

I will not view the Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team

I'm going to say something right now. It's bullshit, and I will not let it stand... I will not view the Los Angeles Lakers with Anthony Davis as a real team. Asterix on all of it.

Jerry Jones should hire Tony Romo as the Cowboys head coach

I think that Tony Romo would be a great coach... because we would get the chance to see Tony Romo blow more fourth quarter games... And Jerry Jones will never fire him. No, make it happen, Jerry.