Takes

The Capitals would be better if they had a 'junkie mom' coach like Bruce Boudreau

They never should have gotten rid of Bruce Boudreau... because he's a really shitty coach. ... The best analogy I can give is like if you have a mom who's a junkie. A lot of times the eldest siblings will step up their leadership roles. ... If you have a guy who's a huge putz, then everybody else on the team, all of a sudden they have to mature really fast. They raise their brothers and sisters because mom's hooked on dope in the kitchen.

Danzing Candy is a possible upset pick to lead the Kentucky Derby from start to finish

On the front end, a horse that's going to be about 20, 30 to 1 and has a shot is a horse called Danzing Candy... He'll be on the lead. They'll probably leave him alone on the lead. ... that's a recipe for a possible upset.

Never plead guilty to a crime even if you were caught on video

What lawyer tells his client to ever plead guilty? I've never understood that. ... My legal advice for everybody out there: Just don't plead guilty even if you absolutely did it and you're caught on video. Don't do it.

Millennials are pussies who lack accountability and positivity

I think that he's right that millennials have no sense of positivity when it comes to adversity. If there's one thing I know about millennials is that they don't like it when they're put in a bad situation. Millennials are pussies. Yeah, exactly.

NHL teams should exploit a loophole by signing injury-prone players to get opponents' stars suspended through ticky-tack hits

There's like a loophole that could be exploited here to sign a bunch of like Eric Lindros's kids, or maybe even Lindros himself, someone who has that weakness in their game, who gets concussed really easily, and then just wipe out all of your opponent's best players through really small ticky-tack hits that end up knocking you out.

Does LeBron James have the 'it factor' and the 'clutch gene' to win without Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh?

My question is, does LeBron have the it factor? I don't think people are talking about this enough. He's won a couple championships, but the years that he won it, was he really the it guy? Did he really have that clutch gene? He still has to get it done on his own this postseason without the help of future Hall of Famers Dwyane Wade and [Chris Bosh].

Chris Webber was definitely betting on the Thunder-Spurs game

Chris Webber, I'm pretty sure Chris Webber was betting on this game because I've never heard anyone so emotionally invested in a game... It was clear that Chris Webber had money on this game.

Jay Glazer is better than Adam Schefter because Schefter is a 'nerd'

Did you pick Jay instead of Schefter because Schefter's a nerd and everyone wants to give him a swirly? 100%. Glazer's the man... Jay has so many relationships. He is so dialed that anything big goes through Jay.

Ryan Leaf and Johnny Manziel are bigger busts than a serial killer

I think Ryan Leaf and Johnny Manziel still are bigger [busts].

Pablo Sandoval is 'hurt' because he's fat, not 'injured'

I'd say he's hurt. I wouldn't say he's injured. I think his whole body is... he's just so out of shape. He's like, 'ow, I slept on it funny, I'm out for the rest of the season.' That's a fat guy thing. You start making up injuries in your brain.

Philip Rivers is using the 'Ultimate Chargers Mom' contest to hook up with moms in San Diego

I feel like Philip Rivers is about to hook up with some moms in the San Diego area. You're giving a guy who loves moms because he's got 10 kids. He loves sex. He loves moms. And you're having this guy do a photo judge and call a mom? I don't know, Chargers. Feels like a bad idea.

PFT Commenter Owns 'No Pressure No Diamonds' Now

No pressure no diamonds, slow it down. PFT owns your slogan now.

RG3 Folds And Splatters Under Pressure

And to be honest you more like the latter. When the pressure is on you fold and splatter.

RG3 Should Respect Shanahan

Respect Shanahan, I don't plan to scram.

RG3 Disappointed The Dog Pound Just Like He Did Atlanta

Don't disappoint the Dog Pound like in Atlanta man.

RG3 Goes 4-12 Unless He Comes On The Podcast

Spoiler alert: RG3 goes 4 and 12. Unless he comes on the podcast, then he goes 10 and 6 and make the playoffs.

Jimmy Clausen still has the potential to be a good NFL quarterback

To be fair, Jimmy [Clausen]'s put together a couple of good games. Like jury's still out on Jimmy.

The NHL handshake line is the worst display of sportsmanship because it is mandatory

If anything, the hockey line is the worst handshake line because one, it's mandatory. So there's no like actual thought behind it. They just have to line up and do it. And two, they just go and they high five and say good game. The Heat and Hornets game today, guys are like hugging and talking and catching up.

Johnny Manziel should become a sports blogger

He needs to become a blogger. He needs to write for the Players' Tribune. I'm sure they'll hire him over there. ... because pretty much all bloggers do all day is they talk about sports and then they get drunk at night. And that seems like it would be like a square peg, square hole situation.

Aaron Rodgers' hard count is unsportsmanlike and the 'quarterback version of entrapment'

I actually agree with him [Richard Klatt]. Well, it's kind of the NFL quarterback's version of entrapment, right? Like if you're a police officer, you're not allowed to entice somebody into committing a crime. Why would you be able to like trick somebody into committing a penalty?

You cannot win with an NFL player who has never tried weed

Your draft pick being a weed guy i think that you don't want to have a draft pick who's who's never tried weed everyone has a friend who's never tried weed and he's a loser and like when you pass the joint around you're like fuck this guy's a narc you start thinking about it you can't win with a guy who's never tried weed

Laremy Tunsil's stepdad is officially the worst stepdad of all time

If this stepdad really hacked Laremy Tunsil's every account he has, he's by far the worst stepdad of all time. So every other stepdad in relation looks okay.

Compared to Laremy Tunsil's gas mask, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix looks soft for only having a joint in his draft night photo

Another real winner of the draft was Ha Ha Clinton-Dix from a couple years ago. You'll remember he had that joint that was next to him on the couch. So now basically Ha Ha Clinton-Dix looks like a big pussy right now. At least have an apparatus for me to make a story.

Johnny Manziel will never start another game in the NFL

if you had to put your life on it, does Johnny Manziel start another game in the NFL? I would say no. I think he'll try. I think he'll come back at some point. It'll be a great redemption story. But the problem is... his skillset was going to be difficult anyway... I think he's got a little bit of the Tebow thing around him right now that he's, he's skillset fits college football and not the NFL.

Pardon My Take is responsible for Skip Bayless leaving ESPN

I think the entire Pardon My Take, Pardon the Interruption, First Take fiasco that ever since that happened, ESPN's ratings have been way, way down. Our ratings have been way, way up. So, yeah, I think I think there's a better than zero chance that we contributed to [Skip Bayless's] demise.

Skip Bayless is the new Monet and takes are the new art

Takes is the new art. Like, back in the 1700s, 1800s, you didn't have people giving takes to each other. You had people making paintings. Like, real art. Who cares? ... But now you've got people who are giving their opinions and then other people talk about their opinions. So it's like it's the new art. So what I'm getting at is Skip Bayless is the new Monet.

I want my offensive linemen to be white and my defensive linemen to be black

I would like [6'6 guys who run 4.2s] on my offensive line, and I'd like the black guys on my defensive line.

Tom Brady could sue the NFL and Roger Goodell for defamation

I don't think [Tom Brady] is just going to let this go away. I think what he may do is he may sue for defamation, because what happened in this Deflategate, none of that is relevant to if he brought a claim for defamation. In other words, saying that the commissioner and the other people said things about me, which they did with malice... there's no question the Golden Boy image at the very least is tarnished.

Russell Westbrook is an All-Star, not a NBA Superstar

Westbrook? All-star. I agree with [Mark] Cuban. Not a superstar. My criteria for superstar is a superstar has at least like 10 million Chinese people wearing their shoes.

Carmelo Anthony is a bum

Carmelo? He's a bum. ... He's a bum on the Knicks. And he wears bum hats.

Anthony Davis isn't a superstar because he claimed he couldn't get a date on Tinder

Anthony Davis? He's a bum. He's a bum right now. Did you see him on the thing with Tinder? He was saying he couldn't get a date. Now let me ask this: Does an all-star, a star, a superstar ever not be able to get a date? Anthony Davis is a bum.

Jimmy Butler is a bad leader and a bum

Jimmy Butler is an all-star, but he's also – he's got a couple bum qualities in him that have pissed me off. ... He's an all-star who thinks he's a superstar, which then makes that part of his brain bum-like. ... He is the leader of the Bulls now, yes, but he's a bad leader. ... All right, fine. He's a bum star.

The NBA should fast forward to the conference finals

Let's just fast forward. They should eliminate half the teams in the NBA.

Officiating in all sports is better than it's ever been

I would, in fact, say that officiating is better than it's ever been. In every sport across the board. Ever. Of all time. The refs are great. Shut the fuck up if you think that they're not.

If the Blues lose to the Blackhawks, the franchise should move to L.A.

If the Blackhawks do win tonight, Monday, they have to cancel hockey in St. Louis, correct? Every franchise has to move from St. Louis to L.A. It will be such an embarrassment.

Teddy Bridgewater would be better if Adrian Peterson wasn't on the Vikings

I developed a semi hot take that [Teddy Bridgewater] would be better off if Adrian Peterson wasn't on the team. I just think that when you have a running back that is one of the all time greats... I think you get to the point just psychologically where the other 10 guys are counting on Adrian Peterson, and they're not counting on the quarterback the way that other offenses count on their quarterback.

Playing for the Detroit Lions sucks the life out of you

If you just see what they've done in the past and even now with Calvin [Johnson], it's a tough place to play. It just sucks the life out of you. I don't know how else to describe it.

JJ Watt will get a DUI within six months if he keeps up his current public persona

He either comes on Pardon My Take and doesn't interview anybody and is actually real for a little bit... or two, he keeps up the facade, and then six months later, he gets a DUI, and then it's all just completely busted. ... If you keep this up, and then you get a DUI, guess what? You're screwed.

Any future heroic act by JJ Watt will be a staged PR stunt

I wouldn't rule out J.J. Watt staging, saving some child from a burning building or something. If you hear a story in the next month that J.J. Watt ran into a burning warehouse and there were children and kittens and puppies and he saved them all, just be on the lookout for that. ... I want to be a pre-truther to anything heroic that J.J. Watt does in the next six months.

Conor McGregor's retirement is likely a cover for a steroid issue

I don't think people assume steroids enough anymore. And now this is going to be a hot take, but just follow me for a minute. Conor McGregor, he retired because he did steroids, right? Why isn't anyone saying that?

Curt Schilling should be known for his failed business ventures rather than his social media posts

Curt Schilling needs to start bringing up that he bankrupted a video game thing and bankrupted the whole entire state of Rhode Island. I feel like people forget that, and he should be saying that more often. It's like, don't know me as Curt Schilling the racist. Know me as Curt Schilling the really bad businessman.

Matthew Dellavedova could make the roster of most NHL teams

I will say that Matt Dellavedova could probably make the roster of most NHL players, but he's probably the only NBA player that I think could cross over into the other sport.

My $200 bet on Donald Trump to win the election is looking like a great bet

By the way, just want to say put $200 on Donald Trump about a year ago. That's looking pretty good right now.

Johnny Manziel is actively trying to be a dickhead to stay in the news

He's actively trying to be a dickhead now. That's the thing that's shocking with Johnny Manziel... Now I think he's going out of his way to be like, I'm going to stay in the news. I'm moving in with Josh Gordon. I'm getting in a weird car accident. He's trying to do this.

The drug option is the best way to survive Coachella as a 30-year-old

If you go to Coachella for the first time as a 31 year old... you either go all the way [becoming a Coachella guy] or you just like totally tune out via the drug option. I think I would go drug option right now.

LeBron James' Zero Dark 30-23 playoff social media blackout is really stupid

LeBron is so dumb. It's Zero Dark 30-23... Not Zero Dark 23. It's Zero Dark Thirty. So it's the full movie name. Twenty three. And it really goes back to the biggest weakness LeBron has is no one in his circle has like any brain to say, hey, LeBron, this is really fucking stupid.

Jeff Fisher is trading draft picks to the Titans to secure a future front-office job for himself in Tennessee

I predict that within like three years, Jeff Fisher is going to go back to Tennessee in some capacity. Whether that's like as a general manager or [involved in ownership] ... I think he's making a nest for himself. I think he's giving them all these draft picks to select like a decent amount of good players. And then that's his escape hatch in two years if it doesn't work out in LA.

Johnny Manziel should move in with Tim Tebow for the rest of the offseason

PR 101, Johnny Manziel move in with Tim Tebow for the rest of this offseason... Let Tebow work on them for a while. Talk about an odd couple. If you were to make that some sort of like pay-per-view reality show and charge $100 per episode, I'm in.

The Dude Perfect show on CMT will be the best show of all time

CMT... Thursday nights, Aaron Rodgers. I don't know when Aaron Rodgers is going to be on, but it's going to be probably the best show of all time. That guy is so cool.

The phrase 'Black Mamba' should be banned from television because it might be offensive

If people out there are getting offended by it, then, you know, TV should be a safe space. So I say that, yes, you should not be allowed to say Black Mamba on television anymore.