Takes

The Stanley Cup is the best trophy in all of sports

The Stanley Cup itself is the best trophy in all of sports. I think we can all agree on that.

The World Cup trophy is great because it uses actual gold instead of fake materials

I actually like the World Cup ball. Anytime you can incorporate just actual gold into a trophy instead of this fake stuff that we see. I'm a gold standard guy.

The Lombardi Trophy is the toughest trophy in sports to win

My number one is the Lombardi, actually. Toughest trophy in all sports to get.

The NCAA basketball championship plaque looks like an employee of the month award

I had three that plaque they give the NCAA basketball champion, which just looks like employee of the month plaque. Like J.D. Power Associates giving Audi their award for best foreign car.

Michael Vick revolutionized video games by making custom quarterbacks unnecessary

Michael Vick was... basically whenever you would play Madden and you'd create your own video game player for quarterback, then Michael Vick came along and you just didn't have to do that anymore. You just play with Michael Vick.

The 2017 Yankees are fully back

The Yankees are fully back. Pinstripes for everyone. Aaron Judge hit three home runs on Sunday. His 21st of the year. Also the longest home run of the year... They have the best run differential in the league.

The NBA Finals are a sideshow circus off the court

Once you get to the finals, it becomes... a sideshow circus off the court. It's like everyone you've ever known all of a sudden is your best friend and wants tickets. Every basketball media outlet in the entire world is focused on this one game, this one series, and then it crosses over into pop culture.

LeBron James is a murderer and a scary dude on the basketball court

His intensity was night and day. Not just his intensity and his competitiveness. I mean, he has a killer instinct. He's a killer out there. He'll tear your head off and dunk it... He's an intense, scary dude. You don't want to get in his way.

The Ray Allen Game 6 shot in 2013 was the worst loss of my entire life

That Ray Allen shot and that loss was the worst loss in my entire life, easily... It was over. We won the championship. And then, bam, we missed free throws. They get offensive rebounds. They hit a couple threes, ending with that Ray Allen one. And we lost the game, and it was, like, just so crushing.

The Spurs were like the Blues Brothers on a mission from God in 2014

We were like the Blues Brothers on a mission from God that next season to get back to the finals and make right by that loss. And so once we got to the finals and matched up with Miami again, the rest was history.

Sebastian Telfair should become a Second Amendment advocate to crowdsource his legal fees

Just become a big Second Amendment guy... If I know one thing about the Make America Great Again crowd, they will throw money behind people that they support. If Sebastian Telfair starts a Kickstarter online being like, my Second Amendment rights were infringed, he'll earn like $500,000 in legal fees overnight.

It is a social law that you are allowed to say mean things about the Kardashians

Jeff Van Gundy needs to realize that like we've a long time ago made it kind of like a social norm that you can say anything mean about the Kardashians. It's okay. That's just become an internet law... That's the social contract we have all signed a long time ago.

The torch has officially been passed from LeBron James to Kevin Durant

I am under the theory now that the torch has not only been passed, but it's comfortably sitting in Kevin Durant's mom's house. She has it on the mantle.

LeBron James has no killer instinct because he is a father of three

LeBron's a father of three, so this might have something to do with it, but he just has no killer instinct. He's too close to life. If you're the best player in the world, quotation marks, and you have the ball the way he had the ball at the end of the game, you take it to the hole and you try and get fouled. Or you at least ask for the ball.

Winning the Belmont Stakes is less valuable to horse breeders than winning the Derby or Preakness

The mile and a half distance of the Belmont Stakes is such a rarity in American racing that winning the Belmont doesn't mean nearly as much to breeders if you're going to retire to stud than winning the Kentucky Derby or the Preakness. You've got a grand total of one grade one stakes in America running a mile and a half on dirt, and that's the Belmont.

Kurt Eichenwald should embrace being the tentacle porn guy on Twitter

I think he just needs to own that block. He needs to be the tentacle porn guy. Just change your avatar to like an octopus... and just put your head right on top.

Lincoln Riley is the ultimate football guy name

That is the ultimate football guy name, isn't it? I think that Lincoln Riley is a perfect head coach name, especially for the middle of nowhere Oklahoma.

You should only ask a new date to a wedding if it doesn't require a flight and hotel

If [the wedding is] in the city you both live in, then I don't think there's ever a too soon. If it's a flight and a hotel room, you're probably going to want to wait a month or two. Because... one or two months in, that's not a we can poop in front of each other [stage].

The Cleveland Cavaliers have the worst hair of any team in NBA history

It just occurred to me, the Cavaliers are probably the NBA team with the worst hair of all time, and they're matched up against the team [Warriors] with the worst facial hair of all time.

Booger McFarland could beat any professional golfer if given a couple weeks of practice

If you guys didn't know, Booger thinks that he can beat a professional golfer. If you give Booger a couple weeks practice, he can beat anybody in golf. I actually agree with that.

Persistence and annoyance are the keys to winning over a woman who has rejected you

Here's one thing I know about women. If they tell you, no, I don't want to date you, the more persistent you are and the more annoying you are to them, then eventually they'll let you in. Yeah. Just comment on all of her Instagram pictures. That will work.

J.J. Watt rejected the Top 100 players list only to show everyone how humble he is

J.J. responded to it and said, I only played three games last year. What a joke this list is. So J.J. gets it. He's going to make sure that everybody knows how humble he is. And he's rejecting the title of a top 100 player. While also letting everyone know that he made the top 100 list.

Ohio State's unrealistic coaching wish list is a strategic 'anchoring' move

This is a great move by OSU, though, because if you just throw out the wish list that's just insane, everyone's like, okay, well, that's crazy. And then you get one of those second-tier guys that you probably were a third-tier. Yes, it's called anchoring. Anybody who's negotiated knows this. You ask for way, way more than you should get, then you'll get a little bit more than you deserve.

If LeBron James gets in a fight when he is horny, it is not his fault

Cool throne, the Ryan Brothers... everyone knows if you get in a fight because you were horny, it doesn't really count. It's not a fight... if you get in a fight when you're horny, it's not your fault.

The 1990s Bulls would beat the 2017 Warriors if played under 90s rules

The Warriors are built for an era where there's no handshaking, where the defensive rules are different. If they played during the Bulls 90s era, I think the Bulls team was built for those rules. So they would win.

The 2017 Warriors feel more overwhelming than the 2016 version because of how Kevin Durant changed their chemistry

The two games of last year's finals, the Warriors actually won by more. But for some reason, this just feels so much more overwhelming with the way Kevin Durant has changed the chemistry of that team.

Hockey is the only sport that truly has karma

Hockey is the only sport that I think truly has karma. That's a fact. Yeah, I can go with that one.

College and high school baseball coaches belong to the same 'phylum' as football strength coaches

College baseball coaches and high school baseball coaches are under the same phylum as football strength coaches. They're very similar. They're very similar species... They share 98% of the genetics, but the 2% that they don't share makes them a little bit different.

Men stay in the bathroom for 45 minutes just to avoid being nagged by their partners

The real answer, to answer your question, female listener, is we spend that much time in the bathroom because that's the only place you can't nag us. We're avoiding you.

A guy who is 'over the top nice' early in a relationship is hiding something

If he's over the top nice, if he's buying you stuff constantly and flowers and writing you cards, he's probably hiding something. Because no guy after three or four dates is going to keep putting in that amount of effort. Or he's too clingy... If he keeps pouring it on, he's probably hiding something. That's a fuckboy.

Ty Lue is playing exactly the wrong style of basketball by trying to keep pace with the Warriors

I don't understand, and this might just be an impossible thing to do because the Cavs somehow built a team that can't slow it down anymore because they want to play up-tempo offense themselves, but the fact that they're playing at a pace that just plays right into the Warriors' hands feels pretty stupid by Ty Lue.

The torch has officially been passed from LeBron James to Kevin Durant

Two, I had two, was the torch is passed. ... It's so much so that it's Kevin Durant's league that we have moved on from torch passing to Kevin Durant's legacy because he joined the Warriors.

Millennials are responsible for Applebee's going out of business because they dislike chain restaurants

Millennials are being blamed for Applebee's going out of business because they don't like to eat at chain restaurants. So shout out to us. We are at all actually millennials. ... PFT and I are like on the cusp of millennials. We do like chain restaurants.

Phil Mickelson is skipping the U.S. Open for his daughter's graduation to mock Tiger Woods' lack of a family life

Phil is saying he's not going to play in the U.S. Open because his daughter is giving the commencement speech at her high school graduation. ... Phil's like, oh, I'm not only healthy enough to play in tournaments, I'm just now saying I'm not going to play because I love my family so much. ... [He's] twisting the knife a little bit.

Cheer shorts are officially back

I told you, I think about a year ago today, I said cheer shorts were back. ... I saw somebody wearing shorts the other day that had cheer written across the bottom. So they're back.

LeBron James ruined the competitiveness of the NBA and deserves to be swept

This fucking guy created this big three bullshit, this AAU friends and family banana boat in the summer bullshit. He started this shit. And now they created a big four... I hope they fucking swept. And then the nail will be in the fucking coffin. You're not like Mike. You're never going to be like fucking Mike.

Five Kurt Rambises with LeBron's brain would beat five Kurt Rambises with Michael Jordan's brain

Because it's slower and LeBron clearly has the size advantage... I just ran the numbers on my calculator, and I am going with LeBron on this. [Five Kurt Rambises with LeBron's brain versus five with MJ's brain]

Team LeBron/Ty Lue would beat Team MJ/Steve Kerr in a hypothetical 3v3 because Steve Kerr's back is too hurt to play

MJ with Steve Kerr when he was a player and Steve Kerr when he's a coach. ... Steve Kerr can't walk... MJ might punch him in the face, too. ... With the Steve Kerr injury, I will have to go reluctantly with the LeBron-Ty Lue team.

The Quicken Loans Arena atmosphere feels like a simulated PlayStation 2 game

It's like being in a PlayStation video game. It's weird. It's like everything was made... There's the noise meter and Loudville and these weird... It feels like everything was created in some simulation PlayStation 2 game.

Free solo climbing El Capitan is a nightmare and a terrible way to exercise

The guy that free solo climbed El Capitan, which is like 3,000 feet of just straight up and down granite. Fuck that. ... Fuck exercising for four hours nonstop.

Matthew Dellavedova is the missing piece the Cavaliers need to stop the Warriors

I mean, clearly, Della Vadova's [Matthew Dellavedova] the missing piece. They need a defensive stopper on the team that can check somebody, and they don't have it.

I am faster than Tom Brady

[Big Cat]: Who's faster, you or Tom Brady? [Wilfork]: Me. [Big Cat]: Is it even close? [Wilfork]: No. That's easy.

Mike Vrabel is the smartest defensive player I ever played with

Vrabel's been, I mean, hands down the smartest defensive player I've ever played with. So I've always learned stuff from him, and he's very good at teaching.

Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players

It's a reason that he's one of the great – he is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players.

Ed Reed was the most talented player on the 2001 Miami Hurricanes

[Big Cat]: 2001 Miami Hurricanes... Can you tell us who the best player on that team was being up close and personal with them? [Wilfork]: Probably Ed Reed.

Under Armour used Game 1 of the NBA Finals as a 'soft launch' for the Curry 4s to avoid a social media roasting

I also like the idea of using a game as a soft launch for something. So it's not like Under Armour tweeted out a picture and said, 'Hey, everybody, what do you think of the new shoes?' It's more of something that people got to discover for themselves.

The Mayweather vs. McGregor fight is all risk and no reward for the sport of boxing

If they have a boxing fight, it's basically all risk, no reward for the sport of boxing. Because if McGregor wins, then it's like, okay, MMA fighters are not only better, MMA fighters are better boxers. They could cuck themselves. And if Floyd Mayweather wins, it's like, well, no shit he wins. Boxing's really hard.

I have a twin who is an jacked Instagram model, and my life is a failure by comparison

Ken Jack, who helps out with this show, revealed my twin who is incredibly jacked and a muscle freak and an Instagram model. So Jimbo to me for spending the last five years getting increasingly fatter and making it super depressing when I see this guy who is awesome looking... owned my life.

If one nuclear bomb is launched, the whole world will blow up in a chain reaction

North Korea is developing nukes, and my theory is once one of those... So I've always thought once one nuclear bomb goes in the air, then... All the other countries and worlds are going to let them off, and then the whole world's going to blow up.

The Capitals and Ovechkin should split up because their regular season success is too good

I do think I am of the mindset that the Capitals and the [Ovechkin] should just be like, you know, hey, maybe this thing isn't working out anymore. Maybe our sex is just too good. Our regular season sex is too good. So we got to split up.