Takes

The Masters weekend is the best nap weekend of the year

The Masters weekend is the best nap weekend of the year, in my opinion... instead of like a phone sex hotline for dads there should just be a nap hotline where they 1-900 big naps it's just the Masters music and Jim Nantz saying hello friends.

The display of sportsmanship between Sergio Garcia and Justin Rose at The Masters was sickening and gross

Sergio and Justin Rose coming down the last few holes, they were rooting for each other almost to a sickening point. They were high-fiving each other. They were basically cheering each other on. It was gross. It was like Little League Baseball. Like, where everyone gets to play and, like, everyone has to say, like, the scouts honor after. It was gross.

Hockey playoffs in Canada are higher stakes because they have nothing else

Hockey playoffs in Canada, that crowd, I mean, it's basically like live or die because they don't have anything else. Usually die, though. It's Drake and the Raptors losing in the first round. That's the only two things that Toronto has.

The Knicks plus 12.5 against the Grizzlies was the worst gambling beat of all time

The Knicks were plus 12.5 against the Grizzlies. The game was over. The Knicks were down 10. They were covering. The Grizzlies were just dribbling the ball out. And then with, like, three seconds left, the Grizzlies player threw up a 40-footer just as, like, kind of a fun shot as time expired. Nothing but net. They won by 13.

The Pimento Cheese sandwich at Augusta is overrated

I'm on record as saying it's not my thing. I tried it because it's like, hey, when in Rome, but when I... I'm a consistency person, and if I don't like the consistency then I'm just not going to be able to get with it, and pimento and cheese just doesn't work for me.

Steph Curry's 'Oxblood' shoes look like footwear for a baptism in juvenile detention

The shoes look like something that you would wear to a baptism if you were in juvenile detention.

Under Armour deliberately releases bad shoe photos for the publicity

I do think that Steph Curry, there's an element where Under Armour is like, we're never going to be the cool shoes. So we'll release some bad pictures again. Let everyone roast us. How are you going to get publicity for Steph Curry's shoes other than letting the internet roast you?

The Steph Curry 'Oxblood' shoes aren't actually that bad

I don't think they're that bad. That's all I was saying. I wouldn't wear them and buy them myself, but the way the internet freaks out about them, it's the worst thing in the world. There's been much worse NBA player shoes.

I am officially 100% on the Tim Tebow baseball bandwagon

I'm 100% on board the Tebow bandwagon. This is class A, first of all. I'm totally on board with Tebow.

People who get upset about fans saying 'we' are worse than the fans who say it

I really think people who get this upset about it are worse than the people who say we. It's one of those situations where it's like I'll say we sometimes. I won't even think about it. I'll just say it. And if you get that upset about it, I mean, I'm not saying it like I'm part of it. Everyone knows I'm not part of the team.

Don King was the most obvious pro-Trump celebrity of all time

Don King was the most obvious Trump celebrity of all time... he's a showman.

Dustin Johnson should have followed the Tiger Woods handbook and winced his way through a few holes before withdrawing

In true Tiger Woods fashion, [Dustin Johnson] should have winced and keeled over, hit a couple shots. Maybe see if he gets like a birdie to start and then keep playing. And if not, then quit and withdraw. That's the Tiger Woods handbook.

Something is fishy about Dustin Johnson's staircase injury

Dustin Johnson, allegedly fell down a staircase with socks on. We got some tips on what exactly happened because we all agree we don't buy it, right? There's something fishy going on here.

Pimento cheese sandwiches at the Masters are probably overrated

I know what a pimento cheese sandwich is, but I'm guessing that it's not as unbelievable as everyone's making it off to be.

LeBron James is at his most dangerous when he claims he doesn't care about a game

This was a classic LeBron game because when LeBron says he doesn't care about a game, that's when he's going to rip your heart out. When he's like, 'regular season, who cares? Why are you asking me? I'm a champion,' and then he's like, 'I really fucking care deep down and I'm going to go and drop a million points.'

Jimmy Butler has only been the 23rd or 24th best player in the league this year

Jimmy Butler, he's played like a... 23rd, 24th best player in the league type this year, about exactly where I thought he would be.

Nolan Ryan should have been a unanimous Hall of Famer

When Nolan Ryan went on the Hall of Fame ballot and got elected, he should have been unanimous, and he wasn't... The Hall of Fame ballot's not a platform for you to make a statement.

I am not a Hall of Famer by my own standards

In my Hall of Fame, no. I think I was pretty good. I think I was better than everybody in the history of the game in October. Was I a Hall of Famer? In my Hall of Fame, no.

Mike Mussina is not a Hall of Famer

[Big Cat: Mike Mussina?] Ooh. I'd have to look at his numbers... As soon as you pause, it's a no.

Lenny Dykstra was the second smartest hitter I ever played with

[Lenny Dykstra] was probably the second smartest hitter I ever played with... When he was playing, he built those car washes, and he built them up into being a huge business.

There should be an alliance of every NFL punter to feed Pat McAfee scoops and cuck Adam Schefter

I hope that this turns into an alliance between every punter in the league and Pat McAfee. So they're all feeding him all the scoops. And he's constantly using his punter connections to cuck Adam Schefter.

You can never be friends with your bookie

[Big Cat: Can you be friends with your bookie?] No. That's the age-old question, and the answer is no.

Tony Romo is the most fun quarterback to watch fail in NFL history

And I'll give you right now Tony Romo's legacy. You don't have to read anything else. He is the most fun quarterback to hate of all time. That's his legacy. ... But for everybody else, so if you're not a Duke, Yankees, Lakers fan, I'm not talking to you, but everyone else, he was the most fun quarterback to watch fail.

Tony Romo is the Gerald Ford of quarterbacks

I think the best analogy I can make to Tony Romo is he is the Gerald Ford of quarterbacks. He's a nice enough guy, and you love to watch him just run his crotch into things.

College basketball referees ruined the 2017 National Championship game

The refs ruined it so much. ... The refs ruined the game, and I can't stand when they do that, especially college basketball is the worst of all the sports. Everyone who watched that game was like, that sucked.

The biggest competitive advantage in baseball today is understanding players as human beings rather than just data

The ironic thing about that is it's kind of swung the pendulum back where I think the biggest competitive advantage now is actually understanding players as human beings, what makes them tick, getting the right kind of guys, building the right kind of chemistry, and then treating them the right way so that the team can take off.

Media attention on Moneyball changed how baseball front offices operate by forcing owners to ask more questions

When Moneyball came out, it hit the New York Times bestseller list. And who reads bestsellers like rich dudes on their yachts who are the same guys who own baseball teams? So they all read the book. Then they started looking at their GMs. I was like, what the hell are we doing? ... It was an example of the media kind of changed in the way the game operates because they started asking questions.

The 'clutch gene' exists, even if it can't be proven with numbers

You can't prove that it exists by the numbers because guys have tried, but I know intuitively there are guys I want up in the big spots, and it's not just the best hitters. There are guys who just keep their heartbeat low and kind of thrive in those moments instead of backing away. ... You can kind of tell who's scared and wants that big moment over with and who actually wants the ball.

The Cubs would not have won the 2016 World Series without the Game 7 rain delay

I buy it. I don't think we win the World Series without that [rain delay], but you can't prove it. ... If you blow a lead late in any game, it's hard to then come back and win... our players were shell-shocked... and that rain delay... they rallied each other.

College athletes should be allowed to profit off their own likeness

I do think that a player should be able to profit off their own likeness in some form or fashion. ... Put the money in a blind trust? ... Pay them after they get out of college?

The 2017 UConn women's team are frauds

The UConn women's team lost. So they're bad for college basketball, but for a different way because they're frauds now. So I'm the first person on the Fire Gino train.

Gino Auriemma was secretly happy UConn lost to relieve the pressure of the win streak

I think Gino [Auriemma] was actually happy they lost that game. Well, if you saw after the shot went in, his immediate reaction was a smile. Right. So it took all the pressure off.

Losing in college hurts more than the pros because you aren't millionaires yet

In professional sports, if you lose, there's no real losers in the NFL, MLB or NBA hockey... you're all millionaires... it's like, well, I'll go home in my Maserati and call it a night. And college, it's different.

Adam Morrison is the 'Godfather of Crying' in NCAA tournament history

Do you consider yourself kind of like the godfather of crying? You were a true revolutionary when it comes—the first person gets all the shit, and then everybody else kind of reaps the rewards. Now everyone's like, wow, look at this emotion.

The biggest difference for the 2017 Gonzaga team is their commitment to defense

They play defense. For years, we were always really good offensively, obviously, and we weren't terrible defensively, but we really didn't completely buy into it. I think that's the biggest difference that this team does is they rotate... overall, the attention to detail on defense has just made it a difference.

Roy Williams is a great cultivator of talent but is overrated as an in-game coach

I'm going to get a lot of heat if UNC wins because I've been on the Roy Williams is overrated train. I think he's actually a great cultivator of talent. He gets the most out of his guys. I still don't think he's the best at the end of games, timeouts, X's and O's.

JJ Watt did a Twitter Q&A solely to set up his PMT interview appearance

I'm totally woke on the fact that [JJ Watt] was doing this, I think, just so that he could say – he knew that he was going to get HeyJJ'd in his replies. So I think he was just setting up this entire Q&A for the question about Pardon My Take so he would say, I will go on the show.

Playing the Final Four in football stadiums ruins the players' shooting

My favorite thing that the Final Four to the NCAA basketball does is they play the entire season in arenas, and then they're like, hey, let's play in a football stadium and screw up everyone's shot.

Oregon is a bad matchup for North Carolina due to a lack of size

I do think North Carolina is going to win. I think they're the better team. And they're a bad matchup for Oregon... [Oregon] has athleticism. They do not have—they have a little length. A lot of athleticism. No size.

Brands always fail when they try to be funny on April Fool's Day.

I love April Fool's because brands think that this is a good chance for them to be funny and they always fail.

Large companies use 'company policy' as a way to project fake government-level authority and deny consumer rights.

But these big companies, they tell you, you know, I wanted to return something. And they say, you can't. And I said, who says? They said, that's our company policy. I mean, the company policy, they make it sound like the government has set this up and this is the way it's going to be forever.

The waiter at Legal Seafood knew they were out of rice pilaf and intentionally gave me regular rice without saying anything.

I ordered the rice pilaf, and [the waiter] knew they didn't have it. And instead of telling me that, he just gave me the other... Regular rice. And the thing I was mad at myself is why didn't I say anything? I was mentioning it to my wife five days in a row.

Sheetz is definitively better than Wawa

I do think Sheetz is better than Wawa. That's the Homer in me.

There is no such thing as an expatriate; if an American works overseas, they are still ours and must pay taxes.

I guess the technical term, [Christian Pulisic] works overseas, so he's an expatriate. But as we discussed earlier with Chris Long, there are no such things as expatriates. So we'll claim him. Someone make sure that he's paying taxes.

Twitter intentionally releases bad updates just to generate free publicity through news articles.

The Twitter update... is awful but I think Twitter just does this once every few months so people will write articles about Twitter. That's really it. That's just kind of pokes the bee's nest... I think the long con is going to work.

The phrases 'you can be anything' and 'there are no stupid questions' are complete bullshit.

Two of the dumbest things that were said to every kid. You can be anything when you grow up. That's just bullshit. And two, there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. Also bullshit. There's a ton of stupid questions.

The Rockets could win the Western Conference, but the Thunder have zero chance.

I think Harden wants to win this, but the Rockets actually are a decent team. Things have to break well, but in a world, there's a theoretical world where they could win the West. The Thunder, no chance. Zero chance.

I would hit three home runs per game in a 16-inch beer softball league.

How many home runs do you think you would hit if you played in my 16-inch beer softball league? ...probably like three, so three a game. ...And the fourth would just be like a double?

Skyline Chili is greatness in your mouth and I could eat it every day.

Skyline Chili, yes or no? Yes. Big time. ... I disagree with you 100%. ... I could eat it every day. I'm a big Coney guy. ... It's greatness in your mouth. I mean, that cheese and everything. Like, come on, man. You can't tell me that you don't enjoy biting into a cheese coney.

Bat flipping is appropriate in high-pressure situations, but doing it while winning by several runs warrants a beanball.

You've got to know when it's appropriate and know when it's not appropriate. In my mind, that's an appropriate time. You're in a high-pressure situation. You just crush a ball, and you're putting your team up three. It's a big run. I feel like that's appropriate. But, like, if you're up by, like, three and you crush it and you bat flip and you're popping the chains... You deserve to get one right in the ribs.