Takes

Jay Feely is the absolute worst special teams analyst and I don't like him.

I don't like Jay Feely. I don't like Jay Feely... I hated him before he got on TV and sounded awful... [He] comes in and goes, 'tough kick here.' Okay, thanks, Jay. Way to go, Jay.

Andrew Luck apologizing to defenders is a mind game

He says, like, 'good hit.' I think it's a mind game. Keep him friendly. That's what I try to do... Try to keep on the good side. But Andrew's at that point where I need to do that. Andrew doesn't need to do that... Gotta be the only guy in the league that does it.

Chris Boswell's failed onside kick was an attempt to become a meme

They were doing it to become a meme instead of winning a football game. Bang. Maybe that's the thought. I don't know why you would do it. I don't know why else you would do it... I attempted it a couple of days in practice and thought I'd throw my ACL.

Talent shows are ruined by forcing contestants to have sad backstories.

Every talent show you watch... they want to make you cry with every fucking contestant, right? I understand, but I'm watching this to be entertained. I don't want to fucking feel bad for somebody. So I wanted to make a talent show where there's no backstories. We don't give a shit.

Gladiator fights to the death would draw huge ratings

If there were to be actual gladiator fights on television... I'd watch. I think it would draw huge ratings. Like, yeah, fight to the death. Someone's got to die. Someone's got to die... Someone's got to die within 10 minutes. Or else they both die.

Barack Obama would be an electric Sunday Night Football announcer

I think he [Obama] would make a good Sunday night football announcer. You team him up with Peyton Manning. I think he'd be electric in the booth.

Nick Saban views every election as a threat to his recruiting

Saban's a smart guy... Saban knows that he has to recruit Republicans from Republican and Democratic families. So he sees every election as a threat to his recruiting.

Joanna Jędrzejczyk is the baddest woman on the planet

But, dude, [Jędrzejczyk], this champion, just Joanna for short. Dude, she's the baddest woman on the planet. I think she stands to gain the most from being on a pay-per-view led by Conor McGregor.

Calling Ryan Tannehill a game manager is a huge compliment

Ryan Tannehill, if you walk up to Ryan Tannehill, I'm like, hey, Ryan. Your game manager, he's got to say thank you, right? Yep. Absolutely. That's a great, great thing to be for Ryan Tannehill at this point in his career.

Collecting football cards is a legitimate hobby, but playing Magic: The Gathering makes you a nerd

I also want to give a shout out to everybody out there that knows that a real hobby isn't playing cards. It's collecting football cards. So if you have a $20,000 football card, you're not a nerd. But if you have a Magic: The Gathering set, you are one.

Hillary Clinton is the Dan Marino of politics because she lacks the clutch gene

I think we need to start talking to Hillary Clinton in the light of does she have the clutch gene because she's big time loser she's taken a couple big l's on a national stage recently yeah um does she lack it she's the Dan Marino of politics that's a great great analogy

NFL officials have a sweet system where poor performance leads to more pay and training

My cool throne is NFL officials, and the reason why is because everybody's complaining about them, and the NFL officials have such a sweet system set up that the answer to poor NFL officiating is to make them full-time employees. So everyone's saying, hey, what are these guys doing out here just being part-time? Let's pay them more.

NFL ratings are down because the league is in a transition period for superstar quarterbacks

One is it seems to be a league a little bit in transition, right? So like Peyton Manning is no longer, obviously no longer playing Brady missed the first four weeks. There's not really, there's just not a ton of like high profile must see quarterbacks slash figures... Carson Wentz and Dak are good, but just not quite the same people that draw in, like, the average viewer.

Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler are the two most annoying quarterbacks for NFL referees to deal with

I sat next to a referee... I just wanted to know who just like his team shows up... and you're like, crap, I got to deal with this freaking guy all game long. And the two answers of most annoying were Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler.

The Seahawks' strategy is to force referees to call pass interference every single time until they stop calling it

The Seahawks do this. This is what they do. They basically make the refs call calls in big moments in the game... They basically say we're going to grab and hold and have pass interference and force the refs to call it.

The Rams are either crazy/idiots or Jared Goff simply isn't good enough to play yet

There's only two ways that that makes sense. One is they're crazy. They're crazy and idiots and don't know what they're doing. The other way is He's not ready... If Bryce Petty was a better quarterback than Ryan Fitzpatrick, he would be playing.

I am celebrating 'Pubesimber' instead of Movember because I can't grow good facial hair.

It's a rough month for me and guys like me that are faceballed that don't have the genetic blessings to be able to grow good facial hair. So since you guys are out there celebrating Movember, I actually celebrate Pubesimber... grow out the winter coat.

The Raiders are officially back.

The Raiders. The Raiders are officially back. And it's fun. The Raiders are like Notre Dame or maybe even the Yankees where everything's more fun when they're back.

Norv Turner is a football guy for 'falling on the sword' and quitting to help his team.

Norv Turner doesn't look like a football guy for quitting, right? But... He said that he felt like he was holding the team back. So he killed himself for the betterment of the team. Fell on the sword.

Being ranked outside the top four in the College Football Playoff provides motivation for the Washington Huskies.

I actually think that it's going to provide us some good motivation being outside of the top four. Don't let the kids get complacent. Don't let them start reading all the headlines. Flip the script on them a little bit. Control our own destiny.

A team of all-star white guys would beat an all-star team of black guys because of 'grit' and 'taking charges.'

Who do you guys think would win, a team of all-star white guys or black guys?... Like I said, a lot of grit on our side. Miles and miles of heart. You guys could just take charges every possession.

Chicago is the 'Parade King' city with the best fans in the world.

All I know is that we parade cocked everyone else... Chicago Parade Kings, best fans... Chicago one-upped it [Tampa Bay].

Steve Bartman should decide when he returns to the spotlight, not the media.

The media has a weird fascination with getting Steve Bartman back involved with the Cubs now. It's so stupid... Steve Bartman gets to decide if he wants to come back, not the other way around.

Game 7 of the 2016 World Series was the greatest baseball game ever played

It was maybe the greatest Game 7 I've ever watched. I mean, I'm not going to say any sport, but definitely in baseball. It was so exciting. It had a little bit of everything.

The Cubs must name Jason Heyward captain next season for his rain delay speech

Jason Heyward had the greatest pump-up speech. $184 million speech is what Theo [Epstein] paid for. A players-only meeting during a rain delay. That's what you give the guy the big bucks... you've got to make Jason Heyward captain.

The 2016 World Series eliminated the ability for anyone to make '3-1 lead' jokes at the Golden State Warriors' expense

The true winner was Steph Curry, because any Cleveland person who tries to make fun of the Warriors can get that [the Indians blowing a 3-1 lead] thrown back in their face... it just basically eliminated the joke solely at the Warriors' expense.

NFL ratings are down because of poor game matchups, not boycotts

The numbers on the big games... they're down dramatically. But those have been crap games this year. The matchups are horrible... Tennessee and Jacksonville is not going to do great ratings... people aren't turning off those games. They're not watching the national games. They're not watching the crap games.

Invented 'Baldinger's cat' — a quarterback is both elite and not elite at the same time, with Joe Flacco as the perfect example

I came up with a theory. It's known as Baldinger's cat. It's not Schrodinger, it's Baldinger's cat. It's when a quarterback is both elite and not elite at the same time. Joe Flacco — perfect example. Baldinger's cat.

The Marlins Man curse has officially moved to the city of Cleveland

The Marlins Man curse on the city of Cleveland just kicked in last night. He called his shot. He said, guess what? If the Indians lose, they are cursed. They're cursed because they were rude to me three years ago... and they don't have seats that you can see on television behind home plate.

Aroldis Chapman being brought in for the 9th inning of a 7-run game was weird managing

The ninth was a little weird when it ended up being a seven-run game. But we shall see.

Butch Jones is on the hot seat at Tennessee

My Hot Seat's Butch Jones. South Carolina took the big L to them. He's had a rough season. They had some national championship hopes. They've lost a lot of games, so I think he's on the hot seat.

Jay Cutler is on the Cool Throne for the foreseeable future in Chicago

Well, considering the fact that Brian Hoyer is out for the year, Connor Shaw is out for the year, Matt Barkley, who knew that he was in the NFL until he came in for a couple plays, I think Jay Cutler is cool throne for a while here. Finally, some continuity at quarterback for Chicago.

Connor McDavid is the best hockey player in the last 10-15 years

Connor McDavid, for all you hockey guys out there, is probably the best player in the last 10, 15 years. I mean, he's like a Sidney Crosby, Ovechkin-type guy, so he's exciting to watch.

You need to hammer the over on the Ottawa Senators every night

You need to start betting the over on the Ottawa Senators every night. I'm talking hammering. They're not great defensively, but they can score goals. They are commonly in like 4-3, 5-3 games... I haven't been doing as great as I'd hoped, but I believe they're going to come around.

Hockey guys must check their kids' candy bags for tampered candy after trick-or-treating

Yeah, you know, I mean, you got to check the candy bags when you get home, though, eh?

The Raiders are officially back as the 'Bad Boy' team of the NFL

I have the Bad Boy Raiders are back. The team of the 70s. Silver and black... They set a record for most penalties in a game... Al Davis bad boys are in town.

Discounted candy the day after Halloween is an S-tier life hack

Discounted candy. After Halloween, who's back? You go into Dwayne Reed and it's 50% off your Snickers bars. Hey, get this fucking candy off my shelves, huh? Give you a discount on it.

NFL ratings are down primarily because the prime time games have been poor

One reality is the games haven't been very good... You're going to have some crappy primetime games. But even Jaguars-Titans... the problem is, more often than not, the primetime games have been crap.

The NFL should adopt the college football overtime system to eliminate ties

I wouldn't have a problem with them ripping up the current overtime system and just going with the college approach. That works. The games are exciting. And I don't think anyone's ever complained that the college system is not a good system.

Stephen Jones and Jason Garrett make the big decisions in Dallas while letting Jerry Jones be the face of the franchise

When it's time to make big decisions, it's Stephen Jones and Jason Garrett that make the decisions and they otherwise let Jerry think he's running the show.

There would be no World Series champion if the season ended today

If the season ended today, we're taping this before the Cubs game, if the season ended today, there would be no World Series champion.

The Jaguars vs Titans Color Rush game is my favorite game of the year

Titans versus Jaguars. It is my favorite game of the year, and it did not disappoint in terms of the suck that we are accustomed to.

Making your bed in a hotel is psycho behavior

Nantz gave major props to Marcus Mariota for making his bed. He makes his bed even in the hotels. That's some psycho shit. Real psycho shit. Any other person who makes their bed that has never served in the armed forces is also probably a serial killer.

Coach O is a 'wild dandelion spore' with no relation to any coaching tree

I don't think that Coach O is a member of any tree. Coach O is a wild dandelion spore that just grows in the wild on his own. He has no relation to Pete Carroll.

NBA players don't start playing real defense until March

Oh, playing defense? Oof, gosh, what, March? I think when the tournament starts and then everybody's like, wow, they play so hard, that's when we're like, okay, now we've got to step it up.

I love playing in Los Angeles and have not thought about free agency yet

I haven't even thought about it [hometown homecoming]. There's so much basketball left to play. And my main focus is this season. And my main focus is this team because I've loved my time here [in L.A.]. And this is the best.

Paul Pierce was just being honest when he criticized Kevin Durant

It's not like Paul's just out there talking about Kevin Durant. Like people are asking him questions and he's answering them honestly... you don't really go at Paul because, you know, he's just answering a question that he was asked.

NBA players are just as tough as hockey players

I think it's also that people try to, like, go at NBA players like we're soft, but we're just as tough [as hockey players].

I don't wash my apples because tap water builds immunity

I can't say that I do [wash apples], no. I subscribe to the thought that if you drink tap water, you're just building up immunity to germs.

It's not time to hit the panic button on the Warriors yet

I said that it was going to take some time for chemistry to develop. Only one ball between the whole team. So I'd say that it's not time to hit the panic button yet, but we're getting close.