Takes

Christian McCaffrey should have won the Heisman Trophy

Last year, Christian McCaffrey, the best football player on planet Earth, he should have won the Heisman, but he didn't get it because he's a Christian and maybe a white male, but mostly because he's Christian.

LSU does not have a good quarterback and will continue to struggle passing the ball

Turns out LSU doesn't have a good quarterback. Oh, you think? No doy. The 10,000th year that Les Miles has a quarterback that can't throw the ball.

If a fantasy league member dies after the draft but before the season starts, their players should go to waivers

I would say if the guy passes away after the draft and before the year starts, his whole team goes on waivers. Yeah, I'd say you do that.

CBS firing Mike Carey because of internet meanness sets a terrible precedent

But what CBS has done here is it sets a terrible precedent. Yes. Because if you cave into the Internet once, oh, boy, that's a lot of power that you're giving... CBS basically said we can get anyone on their staff fired.

Jay Mariotti is the senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take

Jay, you will be our senior Iceland correspondent. Done... Jay Mariotti has been named senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take.

Drinking a Bloody Mary after 3 p.m. should be a punishable offense

I think if you drink a Bloody Mary after 3 p.m., you should probably be arrested or shot or something.

The Royals' praying mantis should be burned to kill their team's mojo

I'm just saying it'd be a real shame if someone snuck into their dugout and dropped a match in there and watched the, what's it, a terrarium? ... If you're trying to get rid of their mojo... That's a direct correlation.

Animals are better at gambling than humans

If there's one thing that I know about animals is that they're really good at gambling. You know how dogs can predict earthquakes? The octopus, he picked every single game [of the World Cup] correctly. So, yeah, Larry [the Goldfish] is going to absolutely kill it.

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.

Arkansas is one of the worst states in the country

And then the very last one, I'm going to go with the state of Arkansas... I feel like everywhere Brett Bielema goes, the bubble around his body is sovereign land. He's not a part of any state.

Starkville, Mississippi is one of the worst cities in America

Starkville, Mississippi. We went in the Dixie tour... I'm sure [Stingray Steve] agrees with me because literally all there is is a strip of fast food restaurants. Like, that's their nightlife. Bars closed at 12. We showed up there, and everyone on our bus got pink eye.

Las Vegas is a terrible city after the first 36 hours

Las Vegas. I fucking hate Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a great city to visit the first time you visit for the first day and a half that you're here. And then you realize that it's basically a mix of New Year's Eve and a cruise ship. And no one wants to be on either of those things.

Preseason Game 4 is a nightmare for punters because everyone is selling out to block a kick to make the team

Game four is what we like to call a nightmare... Because it's a lot easier to block a punt than it is to block for a punt. And the big selling point in all NFL camps is if you block a kick, you're going to make this team... You got guys selling out to block kicks.

Little League World Series pitching has become too dominant because the mound is too close

The mound is so close to home plate. The games are so low-scoring. If you have one asshole that can throw 70 miles an hour, you're going to win the World Series, basically. We need to do something about that.

A sports team needs their mascot dog to die in order to win a championship

I'm a firm believer that the dog needs to die for your team to do well. Seriously, you need to get the dog, love the dog, have the dog die, win one for the dog.

Joey Bosa needs to shave his goatee to win over public support during his contract holdout

Number one is, dude, you got to shave the goatee. No one's going to be lining up behind you to support you if you're wearing the goatee. Right now, Joey Bosa, he looks like the evil dimension version of Joey Bosa. You're not doing yourself any favors with the facial hair.

Joey Bosa should condition his contract signing on the Chargers agreeing not to move to Los Angeles

I've got some really good PR advice for Joey, though. Here's how you get the public back on your side. It's very easy. You release a statement saying, 'I will accept the Chargers' offer under the condition that they agree to not move the team to L.A. next year.' Instantly, all of San Diego loves you, and there's nothing that the team can do about it.

Dropping a 'trash' signature sneaker is the new version of a celebrity sex tape for staying relevant

Dropping a trash signature sneaker is like the new sex tape. That's how you get people talking about you.

Charlie Weis hacked life by getting paid $24 million specifically to not work

But if you really look at the facts, what Charlie's done with his career is what we should all strive for. And that's he's getting paid $24 million to not work. And in what world – he's basically hacked life, OK? ... He has figured out how to design an offense that's so bad that people will pay you not to implement it.

Pigs in a blanket are the best finger food and appetizer available

I also think that pigs in a blanket get a bad rap. I think people try to be really classy at their weddings these days and they don't do pigs in a blanket. We need to like rebrand pigs in a blanket to bring them back because they're the best finger food and appetizer out there.

90% of Spanakopita is inedible because it's too dry

Spanakopita can be really, really dry. Like 90% of the time, it's almost inedible because it's super dry.

Mussels are officially a finger food

Mussels. Does that count? Finger food. ... I love mussels. ... And I eat them with my finger. ... I always eat mussels just with my fingers.

Setting an alarm clock one hour early creates a positive start to the day

When the alarm goes off in the morning... my first thought of the day is positive because I go, yes, I get to sleep another hour. Positive thought. ... I'm positive in the morning. I am now in the midst of waking up in disarray. You're like, oh man, I gotta get up. And I'm like, wait a minute. No, I don't. Not for another hour.

Skip Bayless is better at insulting athletes than Stephen A. Smith

I'm just saying, like, if you needed somebody, if it came down to it, you needed one guy to hurl out one insult at an athlete, who are you going with? I'm going to Skip. ... I think he's better at it in general.

The internet needs to consolidate the excessive number of golf news websites

Just consolidate all these golf sites. We don't need 17 golf sites writing the same golf stories. ... consolidate all these golf sites.

If you're actually good at Madden, I don't want to hang out with you

If you are the guy that plays Madden and you were really good at Madden, I don't like you. That tells me that I don't want to hang out with you.

I'm staying away from Derek Carr because his brother David was so bad

I actually stay away from Derek Carr because I remember David Carr and how bad he was. I'm like, I'm not touching that guy.

I want the Fox NFL Sunday injury music played at my funeral

I actually said a couple of years ago, I want that song [Fox NFL Sunday injury music] played at my funeral... seriously... if I'm dead, you guys are going to die too.

Joe Flacco is definitely an elite quarterback

Is Joe Flacco elite? Duh. Obviously. He won the Super Bowl. Hello.

Maryland will never feel like a real member of the Big Ten

Does it bother you that Maryland will never be a real member of the Big Ten? ... It makes me want to puke every time I see Rutgers and Maryland for the football schedule.

Mighty Mighty Boss Tones songs sound happy, but the lyrics are actually quite grim

The boss tones are pretty, you know, it's like happy sounding music. The lyrics can get kind of grim.

Pooping your pants from trying too hard makes an activity a sport

If you poop your pants from doing it too hard, it's a sport. I don't care what it is. That's my litmus test for does it qualify.

The color-changing pool was the biggest story of the Rio Olympics

Silver gold medal of takeaways. Storylines of the Olympics goes to the color changing pool. Yeah, I just I want you know how they have the live cameras on the grizzly bears every spring up in Alaska. You can watch them fishing for salmon. I want a live cam 24 seven on the pool as it's changing colors.

Usain Bolt would be a scary NFL wide receiver

Tony Dungy actually did come out and said that Usain Bolt would be a scary wide receiver. So it's good to see that. Good to see someone else is thinking along our lines. Guys really fast. Put some pads on them.

Jimmy Butler is a perfect fit for the Milwaukee Bucks

[Jimmy Butler is] getting ready to be the greatest, most apt Milwaukee buck of all time. Like there has never been a better fit.

Carmelo Anthony is too cool for the Banana Boat crew

I think Carmelo is too cool for the banana boat. I think that LeBron James, Chris Paul, Dwayne Wade, this new kind of athlete, this new super team-creating kind of athlete, they're lame. They're not hard. Carmelo's hard.

UFC 202 was the best main event fight in a long time

UFC 202, I want to mention it quickly because as a sports fan, that was one of the best main event fights I've watched in a long time. It was one of the most hyped ones probably since Mayweather Pacquiao, but it was so, so good.

Falling asleep on strangers during transit is a power move

Falling asleep on strangers is absolutely a power move. Big transit sleeper, yep.

Winking at men is a high-level power move

And then finally, winking at men. Yeah, winking's good. It's like winking when you introduce yourself to somebody. That's a sweet move.

It is incredibly difficult for media personalities to leave ESPN and find the same level of success

There's a pretty strong track record that leaving, you know, it's hard to go out there and take on, as Dan Patrick labeled it long ago, the mothership and win. ... People are lazy, man. ... If you make me memorize a new number [on the cable box], I hate you a little bit more.

Bill Simmons struggled on TV because he is a writer competing against trained performers like John Oliver and Marc Maron

Mars [Marc Maron], the other guy they compare to him... you're a stand-up comic for that many years, you have balls the size of pumpkins because you talk for a living. ... He's a performer. ... Bill is a brilliant guy on a lot of fronts and TV is still a relatively new thing for him.

LeBron James's post-Finals interview in 2016 was one of the most authentic athlete moments in years

LeBron after the finals was really cool because our show was the post-show, and it was him after an iconic thing that happened in sports. ... He was human and he was honest. ... memorable with a guy who's as big a deal as there is in sports after doing something that had never been done in sports before.

The Ryan Lochte robbery incident in Rio is like the worst Jason Bourne movie of all time

Since it's swimming, we get to watch this play out like the worst Jason Bourne movie of all time.

An unwritten rule of the 'bro code' is that you break it to save your own ass

That's an unwritten rule of bro code is that you break bro code to save your own ass.

Les Miles eating grass makes him a true 'Football Guy'

My first one was Les Miles. Any guy who actually wants to eat the grass of a football field, that's a football guy.

Andy Reid's fupa belt is the worst look for anyone but a football coach

He puts that like right in the middle of his waist. And it's just an awful, awful look for anyone but a football coach.

When a company is sold to a large investment group, the quality of the product always goes down

Just a word of warning, like any time that you're employed by a company that gets sold, like if you're a company that's made its name for itself and then it gets sold to like a big time investment group, the quality of the product is going to go way, way down.

Men should not wear shorts; we should bring back the rule that shorts are only for little boys

It turns out that in like the 19th century, shorts were only for little boys. And then when you became a man, you got your long trousers. I think they should bring that back. Your big boy pants.

Football pants should actually be called 'football shorts'

I think football pants are shorts. I think they should be called football shorts.

Banana boating over alligator-infested waters is not fun

[The St. John's River] is just infested with alligators. So we would literally be banana boating over alligators... [When we fell out] it was just like whoever was driving the boat was just like a frantic U-turn to come and pick us up. That doesn't sound like fun.