Takes

Cats are soulless animals that would watch their owners die slowly without helping

Can an animal without a soul ever be alive? ... [A cat] will just sit there and watch you die slowly. That's basically the best case scenario for owning a cat.

Fat guys should not wear fedoras

Jason Whitlock, way too fat to wear a fedora. Fat guys can't wear little hats like that.

If a ball handler gets switched onto you in pickup basketball, you should foul them immediately to look like a tough guy

When I play pickup basketball... if they'll do pick and roll and then you get a ball handler on me. I basically just jump on them right away. You just got to foul them right away because what are the results? Either they score, you break your ankles, you look like an idiot, or you foul them and hurt them a little bit, and now you're the tough guy.

I officially hate the New Orleans Saints and will root against them on broadcasts

Joe Buck now hates the Saints... I think we should go on record and at least have one that I actually can't stand. And I'm just over the top rooting against. And whoever they're playing that week, I will refer to as we.

Calling a World Series at Wrigley Field for the Cubs would be the highlight of my career

Doing a World Series at Wrigley Field for the Cubs would be the highlight of my career. And I own it. I wear it. I believe it. And I think it would be the biggest sports story of any of our lifetimes if that were to come to pass this year, next year, whenever.

I would stand by my criticism of Randy Moss's mooning celebration even today

I would probably say the same thing again. it would be weak of me to say, yeah, I was a little bit too harsh and poor Randy... I thought it was over the top and ridiculous. Maybe my Midwestern roots came out. But believe me, I'm not scared. And if somebody doesn't like what I say or how I say it... I really don't give a shit anymore.

Dez Bryant caught the ball against the Packers in the playoffs

I was in the minority on that one. I thought that was a catch. And I think if Dez Bryant and Lambeau is not within a yard of the end zone, it's not an issue. But because he was and he was reaching for the touchdown, to me, that's what caused the ball to pop out.

Pregnancy is not an injury for a man; it is just being 'hurt'

I'm going to say that pregnancy is not an injury. A man's wife being pregnant is not an injury to the guy. It's a hurt to the guy... Pregnancy is technically a sexually transmitted disease. I think we all remember that from middle school health class.

Ichiro's hits in Japan should not count toward his career total vs. Pete Rose

Sabermetrically speaking, do hits in Japan count the same as Major League Baseball hits? I would say no... Those hits don't count in the United States. Neither should Ichiro's.

It is worth breaking your elbow to save your phone from falling on the ground

[Darren McFadden] got [injured] trying to grab his phone because he dropped his phone. That's worth breaking your elbow for. Anyone who's broken their phone before knows if I put in front of you elbow or phone, you're taking elbow over phone all day.

It would have been worse for Peyton Manning to win only one Super Bowl than to have won zero

It actually would have been worse for Peyton [Manning] to have only won one Super Bowl instead of having won zero because he was really, really good for such a long time that if you have one, that trophy looks lonely on your mantle place. You know, you can explain not having any trophies. But if you have one, it's like, well, how come you don't have more?

Every person on the ice for the Stanley Cup celebration should be required to wear skates

I don't like the fact that they roll out a carpet onto the ice. I feel like if you're going to be celebrating something on the ice, it needs to be done by only people wearing ice skates. So like the guys in the tuxes, the girl that comes out to sing the national anthem, they all need to be wearing ice skates. Like respect the sport a little bit.

Hockey is better than basketball because the games are more competitive

The NBA was blowouts everywhere, okay? Most of [the hockey] scores are either one goals or two goals. That's not a blowout. Hockey's better than basketball.

The 1996 Bulls would beat the modern Warriors

I'd be shocked if the Warriors won it. I just look at the defensive matchups... Dennis Rodman is going to just, I think, negate Draymond Green. And then you bring in – when you have Scottie Pippen, who would look forward to covering these guys.

Michael Jordan never lost and probably would have won eight straight NBA titles if he chose to

When you look at Michael Jordan... [he] never lost period. And he probably would have won eight in a row if he chose to.

I would take a six-month case of Zika if it meant winning a Sports Emmy for the Dan Patrick Show

I'll take some Zika... a little smack. Is it like a six month Zika? ... [Trophies] look good. We're a TV show so trophies always look good in the background.

The 2016 Rio Olympics are being saved by the terrible news stories surrounding them

This is though, as we've said many times, the only way the Olympics – people can be reminded that the Olympics are coming is for these stories to come out because no one actually cares about the actual Olympics.

People should be fired for being bad at Twitter

I hope that this happens more in the future. Just people get fired because they suck at Twitter, not because they say anything offensive or because they break a law or anything, just because they suck at the platform.

The 2016 Pittsburgh Penguins are the softest and worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup

Congrats to Pittsburgh, right? They are probably the softest team to ever win a Stanley Cup... I think that this Pittsburgh Penguin team is probably the worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup. And we don't even know if they won it. That's how bad they are, that we have no confidence that they're going to win.

The Stanley Cup is the greatest trophy in sports and every trophy should be drinkable

Every time the Stanley Cup champion is crowned, it reminds me that it is the greatest trophy in all of sports, and it's not even close. Every single trophy you should be able to drink out of.

Professional athletes should never smile after a loss; they should be as angry as the fans

I don't like my sports guys. I don't like them smiling after a loss. They need to be just as mad as I am. They need to kick some things. They need to maybe get too drunk, throw things at the camera... They can't smile after a loss.

I want to see more professional athletes call into sports talk radio as anonymous fans to trash their own coaches

I would love to see more players call into Sports Talk Radio like as a fan and just be like, this coach sucks. He's a bum. Get him out of town.

Magic Johnson's analysis is just stating the obvious: If Steph Curry and Klay Thompson don't play well, the Warriors won't win

If Steph and Klay don't have big games in game four, there's no way they can win in Cleveland, and the series will go back to Golden State tied 2-2. That would be our good friend Magic. He is saying that the two best players on the Warriors need to play well for them to win a game in the finals.

If you do a bit better than the person who invented it, it becomes yours legally

I feel like if you do something a lot better than somebody else, then it becomes yours... On the internet, we call that a hat tip. So as long as you give somebody a hat tip, then you can steal all their shit and it's totally above board.

Concussions in youth sports are a significantly more serious national issue than horse deaths in racing

In terms of significance, I think concussions have to be first because you're talking about... the health of young people, humans... progressive brain diseases etc etc. I think that's got to be at the top of the list... let's put the horses next because it is a serious deal.

The 1.5-mile distance makes the Belmont Stakes an unpredictable crapshoot because American horses aren't bred for it anymore

the Belmont is also much more unpredictable than the Derby or the Preakness... horses in America are no longer bred to excel at a mile and a half... performers in the Belmont over the last maybe 10, 12 years have just fallen off the cliff. It really becomes almost a crapshoot.

There is a million-dollar business opportunity in a 'Special Last Day' service where humans are pampered and groomed right before they die

so basically you're saying when your dog passes away and you give it a steak and have one last day, you're basically saying do that for humans... I think that we just created a million-dollar business idea... Your special last day. No one likes to deal with dead bodies... it saves a lot of time for the mortician later.

The United States soccer team is the Indiana Pacers of the global scale

The thing about Klinsmann is the United States in soccer is the Indiana Pacers. We've never done anything great, really. We've had a couple good players every now and again. But we think that we're entitled to be a really good team.

LeBron James buying headphones for his teammates is a 'bad boss move'

LeBron bought everyone headphones before game two? Another really bad boss move. Basically buying everyone a gift so that when he trashes them and calls them assholes and tells the media that he can't do it all on himself, he's then going to come behind the press conference and be like, hey guys, but you remember those headphones I got you?

I hate the NBA because of the Prima Donnas and flopping

I just hate the NBA. ... Just, you know, it's just, I don't know. I feel like it's all one-on-one. It's just the timeouts, the fools that play. A lot of ball hogs. ... Prima Donnas. Flops everywhere. It's just slow.

Hank is officially more famous than I am in our hometown of Scituate

I'm fully 100% aware of it. I actually love it because if a kid's going to just ride this rise to fame like he has – I respect that it's a Scituate guy.

I support capping three-pointers if it hurts Steph Curry and the Warriors

I hate the rule, and I hate these changing of rules, but if it means we can take away the one thing that Steph excels at over everyone else, I'm kind of in favor of that.

Cavaliers fans should be rooting for Kevin Love to miss time with his concussion

Kevin Love is seemingly concussed. And if you're a Cavs fan, are you rooting for Love to miss time? I think you are... because he's such a bad fit for this series and playing anyone on defense that I might want Kevin Love not around.

LeBron James is likely rooting for Kevin Love to miss time with a concussion so he has an excuse for losing

I feel like LeBron's probably rooting for Kevin [Love] to be out with a concussion because that way he's got something to point his finger at and be like, 'we weren't healthy.' He's got a little excuse there. If you're LeBron, you're making middle notes of all the excuses along the way that you can use.

Skip Bayless is at his best when LeBron James is failing in the Finals

Skip Bayless is on fire. I don't know if you've seen him... there's nothing that brings that out quite like LeBron choking in the finals.

The Oklahoma City Thunder would have beaten the Cavaliers in the Finals if they had advanced

Oklahoma City is the big loser in all of this because I think they would have won the title if they had faced the Cavs.

I didn't play for Team USA in 2016 partly because of the Zika virus

At first, it was the United States thing, and then I realized that Zika virus was my built-in out. So I was like, all right, I don't even have to play anymore. I can just chalk it up to Zika.

Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan are the two most popular athletes of all time

I would say Muhammad Ali, most popular athlete of all time. It's probably Muhammad Ali one, Michael Jordan two, and there's not really a third.

LeBron James lacks grit because he peaked in high school

LeBron has no grit, but it's not from his own – it's not his own fault... I think that LeBron's just been screwed over. Like I said, the guy peaked in high school and... he was back in, like, 11th, 12th grade being put in the center of the universe.

The Zika virus is an official threat to the Rio Olympics because of sexual transmission

If you can't get your dick sucked or eat some vagina, there's no point in going to Rio. So Zika is now an official threat to the Olympics. If you're an Olympic athlete and you can't fucking suck your way through Rio, what's the point in going?

The X Games have lost their fastball because they cancel events for rain

The X Games has lost their fastball... they canceled all the events yesterday because of rain, and these are the X Games, right? Why are you canceling events because of rain? If anything, it should be the Surge commercial where everybody is running up the hill.

The Crying Jordan meme has become 'problematic' because it mocks masculine vulnerability

Turns out there's an element of flawed masculinity at play. You have a masculine star who expresses vulnerability, and people simultaneously mock and celebrate that. So you think you're having some harmless fun on the Internet? Turns out you're a sexist, and you're basically saying guys can't cry.

The proper way to dick punch is using the back of the hand for a whipping motion

Just a little coaching pointer for Dellavedova. Use the back of the hand. And then that way you get your elbow and your wrist in a whipping motion as opposed to just like the straight up the open face, the open handed slap.

We need to stop talking about Shaun Livingston's knee injury because it was a decade ago

At what point can we just move on from the Shaun Livingston knee issue? It's been, I don't know, six, seven years. He's been totally fine for a really long time... I just want people to stop with Sean Livingston's stuff. He had a knee injury 10 years ago. Knees grow back by then.

If you don't watch a graphic sports injury after a warning, you are the biggest pussy alive

When someone says don't watch because it's too graphic, if you then don't watch, you're the biggest pussy alive... That's just basically saying this is going to be so gross you're going to want to puke, but you have to watch it.

The Blackhawks' championship window is still open because their management is elite at filling core pieces

No, their GMs and staff are just so good. And they're like one team that has truly, they've picked out their main core. They know what it is. And they just do a great job of filling in the pieces and finding ways.

The Canadian dollar is the only thing that can stop the Blackhawks because it drags down the salary cap

The only thing that can stop the Blackhawks is your stupid fucking Canadian dollar... when you have Toews and Kane both making like 10 and a half a year and the cap keeps going down because Canada can't get their shit together, it makes me a little upset.

It is easier for the US to win an Olympic gold medal than for a Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup

I would probably say it's easier to win an Olympic gold medal in hockey than it would be to win a Stanley Cup just based on how hard it is... if you have a good two weeks at the Olympics and all your lines are clicking, you get a gold. So I would say U.S. winning gold.

The best way to handle a PR disaster is to claim it was satire and that people are too dumb to get it

Another thing you can do now here's, I've learned this from experience. If you say something that's just extremely offensive and rubs people the wrong way, it's satire. Dick Vitale could have said the fuck you thing was satire. And you guys all don't get it. You're all dumb.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.