Takes

Pablo Sandoval is 'hurt' because he's fat, not 'injured'

I'd say he's hurt. I wouldn't say he's injured. I think his whole body is... he's just so out of shape. He's like, 'ow, I slept on it funny, I'm out for the rest of the season.' That's a fat guy thing. You start making up injuries in your brain.

Jimmy Clausen still has the potential to be a good NFL quarterback

To be fair, Jimmy [Clausen]'s put together a couple of good games. Like jury's still out on Jimmy.

Hating Philadelphia is the most Philadelphia thing a person can do

Isn't hating Philadelphia like that's the most Philadelphia thing that you can do?

The NHL handshake line is the worst display of sportsmanship because it is mandatory

If anything, the hockey line is the worst handshake line because one, it's mandatory. So there's no like actual thought behind it. They just have to line up and do it. And two, they just go and they high five and say good game. The Heat and Hornets game today, guys are like hugging and talking and catching up.

Rockin' Refuel will get you jacked, but it might be a different kind of jacked

You get jacked, but it might be a different kind of jack.

LSU at night is the hardest stadium to play in the SEC

And the hardest [place to play] is probably like LSU. At night. Yeah, that's rough.

Andy Dalton's new haircut is actually cool and the team likes it

No, he has a cool haircut now. Everybody likes his haircut. My wife loves his haircut now. ... It's definitely a cool haircut.

Johnny Manziel should become a sports blogger

He needs to become a blogger. He needs to write for the Players' Tribune. I'm sure they'll hire him over there. ... because pretty much all bloggers do all day is they talk about sports and then they get drunk at night. And that seems like it would be like a square peg, square hole situation.

You should tip the maid $5 if you stay at a hotel for more than one night

If you stay at a hotel for more than one night, you leave five bucks for the maid. ... Just dump [change] in and it will all even out. If you go to a bar, your first tip is always $2. ... And if you're at a wedding... you hand the guy a $20 bill to start the night.

Aaron Rodgers' hard count is unsportsmanlike and the 'quarterback version of entrapment'

I actually agree with him [Richard Klatt]. Well, it's kind of the NFL quarterback's version of entrapment, right? Like if you're a police officer, you're not allowed to entice somebody into committing a crime. Why would you be able to like trick somebody into committing a penalty?

Laremy Tunsil's gas mask bong video is actually a positive scouting report showing he has great lung capacity and mental toughness

Nice lungs on him. If you're scouting him and you're like, damn, that guy can play deep into the fourth quarter. That guy can play at altitude is what it tells me. ... So that guy can be in a tight place. He can play in altitude. Mentally tough. He's got deep lungs. He can play deep into the fourth quarter.

Laremy Tunsil should own the gas mask video and walk out for his first NFL game wearing one

Tunsil should just own this and come out for the first game with a gas mask on.

Carson Wentz looks like a guy who has never tried weed before

I would say that, actually, Carson Wentz seems like a guy that's never tried weed before. ... I think if you look at his tweet history, the fact that he lives in North Dakota, weed, they don't have North Dakota weed. You can't get weed, yeah.

Laremy Tunsil is a sympathetic figure because his stepdad leaked the video to screw him over

The fact that he has a stepdad in this issue actually works to his favor because I think right away, PR 101, get a stepdad that could somehow screw you over and then be like, yo, my stepdad's a dick. Automatically a sympathetic figure. ... everyone is like, poor Laremy Tunsil, we feel so bad for this guy because of the stepdad factor.

Bruce Arians is building a defensive cartel in the Arizona desert

I think Bruce Arians is building a cartel out in the desert. He's got Tyrann Mathieu, and now he's got Chandler Jones. Can you imagine those defensive meeting rooms? It's going to be like a Star Wars movie theater back in the '70s with all the smoke going up.

Chris Berman's pun game proves he still has his fastball

The Giants selected Eli Apple, Chris Berman. Right on the ball. Good to see that Berman still got it. He gets a little shit every now and then. He had Eli the Big Apple instantly.

The physics of how planes stay in the air don't actually make sense

I don't understand the physics of planes staying in the air. ... I mean, you're going 30,000 feet in the air and you're just trusting that a plane is just going to coast.

You can only trust the weather in Chicago between July 4th and Labor Day

It's been classic Chicago because three weeks, two weeks ago, it was 80 degrees and beautiful. Now winter is basically back. And like I said, the only time you can trust Chicago weather is like July 4th to Labor Day.

Hershey's Hugs are superior to Kisses

Hershey's hugs are better than kisses.

Stephen A. Smith should argue against a mirror instead of a co-host

I actually think Stephen A. Smith should just argue in a mirror, like a dog looking at itself and barking. How great would that be? If we just put a really clean mirror in front of Stephen A. Smith, we're like, this is your new host, man.

Skip Bayless is the new Monet and takes are the new art

Takes is the new art. Like, back in the 1700s, 1800s, you didn't have people giving takes to each other. You had people making paintings. Like, real art. Who cares? ... But now you've got people who are giving their opinions and then other people talk about their opinions. So it's like it's the new art. So what I'm getting at is Skip Bayless is the new Monet.

Sam Bradford hasn't earned the right to be a starting quarterback

I can't comprehend where Sam Bradford's coming from to think that he earned the right to be a starting quarterback in the NFL.

I want my offensive linemen to be white and my defensive linemen to be black

I would like [6'6 guys who run 4.2s] on my offensive line, and I'd like the black guys on my defensive line.

Joey Bosa is a great draft prospect because of his name

I'm a big Joey Bosa guy just from the name. I think his name, I think that's a great name.

DeForest Buckner is a top draft prospect because his first name is a verb

If your first name is a verb, I think that's pretty solid. [DeForest Buckner] jumps up to the top of my big board.

Robert Nkemdiche would be a Vine superstar if he landed on a beer pong table when he fell out of a window

If there was a beer pong table that [Robert Nkemdiche] landed on, he'd be a Vine superstar. If anything, he just did it a little too early.

Curt Schilling should jump to Fox Sports and keep his mouth shut

I think if [Curt Schilling] is smart, which he isn't, he ought to jump over to Fox and keep his mouth shut. ... I don't care what he has to say about anything. Why would anybody care what he has to say about anything?

Russell Westbrook is an All-Star, not a NBA Superstar

Westbrook? All-star. I agree with [Mark] Cuban. Not a superstar. My criteria for superstar is a superstar has at least like 10 million Chinese people wearing their shoes.

Carmelo Anthony is a bum

Carmelo? He's a bum. ... He's a bum on the Knicks. And he wears bum hats.

Jimmy Butler is a bad leader and a bum

Jimmy Butler is an all-star, but he's also – he's got a couple bum qualities in him that have pissed me off. ... He's an all-star who thinks he's a superstar, which then makes that part of his brain bum-like. ... He is the leader of the Bulls now, yes, but he's a bad leader. ... All right, fine. He's a bum star.

San Diego is 'fake life' and not real life

San Diego is fake life. It's not real life. There's nothing real about San Diego. There are no fat people. I'm pretty sure no one has a job except if you're in the Navy. It's beautiful every single day. Everyone's just relaxed and like cool. There's no edge.

The Chargers should leave San Diego because fans living in paradise don't deserve a team

Just don't – I don't ever want to hear any San Diego fan ever tell me, like, we had a bad loss or boo-hoo, the Chargers are moving. You live in paradise. You don't deserve other things. You have the paradise to live with... I want you to lose the Chargers now.

The best way to get over a hangover is to drink more

My advice, as always, is Pedialyte. Pedialyte tends to work. But most importantly, my advice is to drink a Bloody Mary and then, like, seven beers afterwards. That's what I did this morning. It worked well.

Never plan dinners for a bachelor party

If you're planning a bachelor party, don't plan any dinners. I've never seen a party go from this was fun to just death. You sit down, you eat, and it's just like, okay, now I just want to go to bed.

A 'Hangover Crawl' starting with Pedialyte cocktails and ending in a movie theater would be a million-dollar business

I think it can make a million bucks. We start a hangover crawl, which is like a 1 o'clock meetup... You start out with Pedialyte cocktails, a Bloody Mary. You move on to like a Klonopin bar, some margaritas. Then you go to like a movie theater where you play a boring movie, let people pass out for 90 minutes. Give them an IV... I think that's key.

The NBA should fast forward to the conference finals

Let's just fast forward. They should eliminate half the teams in the NBA.

The NBA first round should return to five-game series

I honestly think they should go back to the five games in the first round. The five-game series just felt more like every game means so much. And if you can win one game, it's like, ooh, maybe they can actually pull this off.

If the Blues lose to the Blackhawks, the franchise should move to L.A.

If the Blackhawks do win tonight, Monday, they have to cancel hockey in St. Louis, correct? Every franchise has to move from St. Louis to L.A. It will be such an embarrassment.

Teddy Bridgewater would be better if Adrian Peterson wasn't on the Vikings

I developed a semi hot take that [Teddy Bridgewater] would be better off if Adrian Peterson wasn't on the team. I just think that when you have a running back that is one of the all time greats... I think you get to the point just psychologically where the other 10 guys are counting on Adrian Peterson, and they're not counting on the quarterback the way that other offenses count on their quarterback.

Album releases should go back to Tuesdays

Whatever happened in the good old days where you could, like, everybody released their albums on Tuesday. You could prepare yourself mentally, financially, save up enough money where you could go to Best Buy and buy the album on Tuesday. It was a handshake agreement, and it was much better.

The only people to ever make Minnesota cool are Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince

It's basically the list of people who have made the state of Minnesota cool are like Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince. That's it.

The pinnacle of celebrity status is when nobody makes jokes about your death on Twitter

That's when you know you've made it. Like, Prince died. Everyone is really sad... Prince is no jokes. There are no jokes. David Bowie was the same way. You don't do jokes when Prince dies. So that's really, like, the pinnacle of celebrity is people don't joke about your death.

Skip Bayless and Curt Schilling are 'bad guys' that sports fans actually need in their lives

You want Skip [Bayless] in your life. Like, you're complaining about him. He's the bad guy. He's like Tony Montana walking through that restaurant, right? You have to have somebody that you point at that's got the shittiest takes that you almost... that you love to hate.

Tiger Woods loses his 'man card' for needing his dad to teach him how to drink water between beers

Tiger Woods, I'm taking your man card, first of all... Asking your dad to teach you how to drink a beer because you puked at a fricking frat party once? Man card again. How many times can I take this man card?

Playing for the Detroit Lions sucks the life out of you

If you just see what they've done in the past and even now with Calvin [Johnson], it's a tough place to play. It just sucks the life out of you. I don't know how else to describe it.

Matthew Stafford is not an upper-caliber quarterback and he can't beat winning teams

I never did gel with Stafford, and it is what it is. I don't think he's a great quarterback. He's not on that upper caliber quarterback that's going to take you to a championship. Or going to beat a winning team.

Jon Jones' claim of marijuana addiction is a PR move because it's not a real addiction

Jon Bones Jones today came out and said like, yeah, I used to smoke a lot of weed and now I don't anymore. And so now I'm back on the straight and narrow. ... That's just not really an addiction. They're not going to be mad at you. Like that's just... just not really an addiction.

Rob Ryan sleeping at the Bills facility is a bigger 'Football Guy' move than Dan Mullen's marathon

Without a doubt, Rob Ryan's sleeping at the facility. And here's why. Rex Ryan, now that he's got his brother in town, they're doing nothing but hanging out at the Bills facility, drinking Fireball and just like sleeping on cots. And to them, that's like summer camp. So that is a football guy move. Dan Mullen running a long distance and like showing off about it. That's more of a basketball lifer move.

Rex Ryan should consider being Donald Trump's Vice President because he won't be coaching the Bills in four years

Rex Ryan might want to consider being Donald Trump's vice president because that's a four year job and there's no way he's going to be coach of the bills in four years.

Mike Zimmer would be an ideal Vice President for Donald Trump due to their similar tans and attitudes

My number one will be Mike Zimmer. They've got the same tan. Mike Zimmer's got a no-nonsense type attitude going on. ... He communicates the same way that Donald Trump does, just direct, straightforward.