Takes

If Titanic 2 sinks, it would be the greatest moment ever

If the Titanic 2 could somehow sink, it would be the greatest moment ever... because you're an asshole for riding on the Titanic 2.

Patrick Mahomes throwing left-footed is better than Cody Kessler

Pat Mahomes throwing with his left foot is better than Cody Kessler.

Hue Jackson is objectively a very bad football coach

From where I'm sitting, [Hue Jackson] is objectively a very bad football coach. Okay? And on top of that... He just blames everyone else when shit goes wrong.

Bob Wiley should be the Browns head coach because you can trust his gut

There is a dark horse candidate that I think America can all get behind, and that is Bob Wiley. If there's ever a coach that can go with his gut, that you should trust his gut, it's Bob Wiley.

The Patriots are very beatable without Rob Gronkowski

I thought that I think [the Patriots] are very beatable, though, without Gronk.

The Eagles are suffering a quintessential Super Bowl hangover

No, they are a quintessential Super Bowl hangover. Because every game, they're up 17-0. They're like, oh, we got this... but it's these games that they think they've won and they just lose them.

Todd Gurley is outscoring the entire Buffalo Bills team

Todd Gurley has seven more points than the entire Buffalo Bills team.

Justin Tucker is worth a second-round pick

Justin Tucker is the one kicker that I think would actually probably be worth a first-round pick... I'll give you a second.

Taysom Hill is better at everything Tim Tebow does

[Sean Payton] puts Taysom Hill out there, and Taysom Hill is like Tim Tebow – except he's better at everything Tim Tebow does. He's a better pump protector. He's a better passer. He's a better runner.

The Saints are the second best team in the NFC

[The Saints] are just five and one now and look like the second best team in the NFC behind the Rams.

Mike Vrabel hates ties more than he hates losses

Mike Vrabel, I figured him out. He just hates ties. He thinks ties are worse than losses... and the Titans lost at the goal line going for two.

Urban Meyer can't get his team ready for inferior opponents

Urban Meyer's sad faces on the sideline because Ohio State lost a game that they should have won... people are saying, not me, people are saying, Urban Meyer, can he get his team ready for the inferior opponents? I don't know... but this is now becoming a trend for Urban Meyer.

Boban Marjanovic is not of this world

My who's back is Boban... His clips of him playing are, I mean, I remember people talking about him last year, but this year it's like surreal. He's not of this world. It's like he's playing on a seven-foot hoop.

Antonio Brown is the best wide receiver since Randy Moss

Antonio Brown's the best receiver since Randy Moss. And Le'Veon Bell's the best running back in the game. And are they really never even going to get to a Super Bowl together?

The Eagles lack a grinder running back to finish games

It's clear in the fourth quarter that's what [the Eagles] miss with not having Jay Ajayi or LeGarrette Blount. That's going to be a bad thing, and I don't know what the fix is out there on the open market for them to get that guy who can just grind the defense when you need him to.

The Packers will be the second best team in the NFC by the end of the season

I'll say it's going to be the Packers by the time it turns out [the second best team in the NFC].

The Detroit Lions are a sleeper team for a Wild Card spot

The sleeper team that I was talking about, pointing to for everybody in August, that nobody still is talking about, the Detroit Lions... I wouldn't be surprised if they wind up with a wild card.

Adam Thielen is the best wide receiver in the NFL right now

Thielen, here's a take. I think Thielen's the best wide receiver in the NFL right now. Boom. I said it.

Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl

I also think that Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl... I don't trust a guy like that... He basically thinks he's living inside of a ted talk right now and his job he like reads too many motivational quotes.

The Super Bowl will be the Rams vs. the Chargers

I think, by the way, that that's going to end up being your Super Bowl is the Rams and the Chargers.

Philip Rivers is the most underrated quarterback of our time

Phil Rivers is probably the most underrated quarterback of our time. He's for sure a Hall of Famer.

Joey Bosa is a better long-term defensive player than TJ Watt

I assume Bosa's going to come back healthy. I would definitely take Bosa [over TJ Watt for the rest of their careers].

The Bengals/Chiefs over not hitting is a national tragedy

What just happened in that NFL game, not hitting the over, is a national tragedy. It needs to be investigated... It's fucking ridiculous that the Bengals only scored 10 points against the Chiefs defense.

The Red Sox will win the World Series in five games

Sox in five... I just hope it's six so I can go to game six.

The Red Sox will win the World Series in seven games

I'd probably say Red Sox in seven.

David Price's postseason demons won't be fully exercised until he wins in the World Series

I'm not ready to declare the demons exercised. The demons are warmed up. They're jazzercising right now. To be fully exercised, it has to be in the World Series.

The Bryce Harper sweepstakes is over for the Red Sox because of their current outfield chemistry

So can we put the Dunn chain on the Red Sox in terms of being in the Bryce Harper sweepstakes next year? Ooh, you don't want to mess up with that chemistry of a team that went to the World Series.

Larry Fitzgerald is holding the Cardinals back and should retire

I think Larry Fitzgerald is holding the Cardinals back by not retiring. He's the captain, and he's taking shine away from his rookie QB... He's doing the saddest retirement tour.

Steve Wilks will be the first NFL coach fired in 2018

I think it is now official that Steve Wilks might be the first coach to be fired... Just fire him and then pretend it never happened. You could easily do it right now. We'll all forget.

The Bears are officially good if they can beat the Patriots

If the Bears can beat the Patriots, then they're officially good. It's going to be a big test.

The Jets did themselves a favor by missing out on Kirk Cousins

If you know anything about Kirk Cousins, you actually did yourself a favor by not getting him because you'd rather suck out loud than be kind of around average for four years.

The Chiefs will have a come-down-to-earth game against the Bengals

I think this is going to be the week where everything comes back down to earth. It's a little bit sloppy. They might lose, but they're probably going to be within the record.

Only 12 NFL owners actually care about winning championships

I think there are legitimately 12 teams in the National Football League that are legitimately concerned about winning a Super Bowl... I think there are certain owners that are just in there to build equity... and every now and then catch the lightning.

The Dallas Cowboys will never win a championship until Jerry Jones stops being the General Manager

I've always said they'll never win until [Jerry Jones] is ready to actually relinquish control. I mean, it's one thing to appoint a guy, you know, head coach or whatever. It's an entirely different thing to empower that guy.

Aaron Rodgers acts like Compound W by covering up the Packers' warts

When you've got a quarterback like that—I always just say this about Peyton Manning... he's like Compound W, just spreading himself all over warts. The issue you get into is that I think you get this self-confidence that we're pretty good... they think they're a lot better than they really are.

The NFL is tailoring the game to fantasy football fans by creating 'Points-a-Palooza'

We've created a generation of people who have watched football based on fantasy football... and the NFL is actually going, okay, you love fantasy football? Here it is. Here's fantasy football for you. People are digging it.

Case Keenum is missing wide-open targets because of bad footwork

He [Case Keenum] just hasn't been very good. He's missed a bunch of wide-open targets... part of it is your offensive line stinks, and so you speed up your footwork... and the ball just gets out of your hands. The timing of your footwork and the routes don't line up.

The Kansas City Chiefs are 'September Darlings' who will get pummeled in January

See, the thing about Kansas City for me is I like to refer to them as September's darlings. Yeah, because they're always going to win a bunch of games in September, and January's going to come around, and they're just going to get pummeled.

Bill Belichick cannot truly understand the pressure of a 3rd and 12 from your own goal line because he never played

Bill Belichick has no idea what – he's the greatest football coach we've ever been around... He has no idea the ass pucker you get third down and 12 from your own six-yard line right in the shadow of your own end zone... I've been there. He can't.

You can only play with a back fracture in hockey and football

The only sports that you can play with a small back fracture are hockey and football... Injured is when you have to have surgery that holds you out. You have to play injured [in the NFL]. And more importantly, you have to play well injured.

Kevin Durant is getting one more ring and then leaving the Golden State Warriors

Kevin Durant, baby back bitch, tweeted... 'one down, 81 more, what a night.' His brother, Tony, Tony Durant, replied... 'fill in the hand up before we get out of here.' Hmm. So it looks like he's going to L.A. So he's getting another ring, and then he's getting the fuck out.

The summer of 2019 will be the greatest free agent summer ever because the internet will try to troll Kevin Durant into joining the Knicks

This is going to be the greatest free agent summer of all time, because we basically have Kevin Durant being like, can an entire internet troll him into going to the Knicks just to try to get his, like, this made-up masculinity back that we've decided he doesn't have.

I will stop calling Kevin Durant a 'baby back bitch' if he signs with the New York Knicks

If he goes to the Knicks, I've got his baby back. We will take away the triple B if he goes to the Knicks. So here we go. Kevin Durant, when you put your pros and cons on a sheet this summer, Just put in the pro, pardon my take, will stop calling me a baby back bitch.

The G-League's $125k offer is a major threat to the NCAA

The G-League has come out and they have said that they are giving a $125,000 contract to players that could be eligible for the one and done and they want to skip college... This is trouble for the NCAA.

The wind is a continuous circle caused by the Earth turning

Wind... It doesn't [stop], that's because it's a circle. It just goes forever. The earth keeps, well, the wind is caused by the earth turning.

Deja Vu is just a CD skipping in the Elon Musk computer simulation

Well, it's a glitch in the matrix because right now we're all living in a computer simulation that's being run by Elon Musk. So when you see something for the second time, it is just something that's already happened and it's being replayed by accident. It's like a CD that skips.

America is sick of Aaron Rodgers winning games in predictable, dramatic fashion

He will win a game late, and he will do it in dramatic fashion, and he will drop dimes and all that. I'm sick of it. I think America is sick of it, to be honest, if I'm just going to speak for America here.

Jason Witten was hired by ESPN solely to mend the relationship between the network and NFL owners

Jason Witten is in place to mend the ESPN-NFL relationship, which makes sense... they put him in there, and it doesn't really matter if he's bad for the audience. It just matters that the rest of the owners and Roger Goodell likes him.

The NFL referees are being bullied by the internet into not calling the game by the rules

The refs are getting bullied by the blogosphere and the twittersphere into not calling the game by the rules. I would have liked to see [Clay Matthews] get penalized for that [hit on C.J. Beathard].

The Bucks will win over 48.5 games and win the Central Division

I have the Bucks over 48 and a half. I think the Bucks are going to be very good. I think they'll win the Central. I think Giannis is going to – do you see he shoots threes now?