Takes

LeBron James and the Lakers will win 50 games this season

I have the Lakers over 47 and a half... LeBron's going to win 50 games. I just think there's no way. I think Brandon Ingram is very, very good.

The Dallas Mavericks will win over 34.5 games because they hired Haralabos Voulgaris

I've got my over at the Dallas Mavericks. I'm taking the over on 34 and a half. Dirk I think is out for a little bit... I'm going on this based solely on the fact that they hired that guy [Haralabos Voulgaris] who's a really good gambler to run their analytics department. If you can beat Vegas, then you can beat the Clippers.

The 76ers will win under 53.5 games because Joel Embiid will get injured

I have the under 76ers, 53 and a half. That's just a pure hate bias. No way they all say healthy. Embiid's probably going to get injured for 75 games.

The Wizards will go over their win total because John Wall, Bradley Beal, and Dwight Howard will have great chemistry

I'm also going to take the over on the Wizards. I think that Wall and Beal and Dwight Howard are going to have great chemistry. They're big three.

American cheese on a breakfast taco is the best type of cheese

American cheese on a breakfast taco is the best type of cheese. We need to, here's what we need to do. We need to start eating more breakfast tacos in America.

Josh Allen's ligaments were too weak to support his rocket arm

His arm was too strong that his ligaments couldn't support all the muscle... the good news is he doesn't need Tommy John surgery.

Boston sports fans don't feel joy when they win; they just enjoy that everyone else feels bad

I'm convinced that Boston fans, they don't feel joy when they win... One, it's relief. And two, it's that they feel good that everybody else feels bad. You guys are desensitized to winning all the time... You like everybody else being a loser.

The NFL is effectively becoming seven-on-seven flag football

Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and lost the Super Bowl... I loved the doomsday defense, the steel curtain... Those guys, they just shut you the fuck down... and it's just all gone. I mean, the fucking guy, Tyreek Hill... runs across the middle of the field... nobody's going to hit him.

The world banking system is essentially a giant Ponzi scheme

I just sort of read up on sort of the banking system... And that'll scare the shit out of you. What is the banking system conspiracy? Well, I mean, it's kind of a big Ponzi scape... If you just read up like the Federal Reserve, it's not really federal. It's a private [bank].

Elon Musk is likely just a 'beard' or a distraction used to hide Jeff Bezos's surveillance activities

Elon Musk, we have a conspiracy theory that we're working on here is that he is actually a beard for Jeff Bezos... Elon Musk is like the... Everyone's like, oh, these guys, they'll never do anything. Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is creating robots that are going to deliver packages from Amazon and spy on all of us while Elon Musk... [is distracting everyone].

Ancestry.com is a data-collection scheme to map the population for future control

That stupid fucking Ancestry.com... These fucking people, you're sending your DNA into the internet? Are you out of your fucking mind? And now they find all they need is 3 million people to do it. They can map out everybody... There's no fucking way they're not talking about it and trying to come up with solutions [for population control].

Elon Musk is an idiot and a public-facing prop used to distract from more competent tech billionaires

Elon Musk is the idiot. He's a prop... everyone's like, oh, look at this guy. He's a fucking idiot. They can't figure out robots... Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is creating robots that are going to deliver packages from Amazon and spy on all of us.

Zion Williamson chose Duke over Kansas solely for the free education

Zion... decided not to go to Kansas for said money or whatever occupational preferences... and instead decided he wanted to go get an education for free at Duke University... Can't a young person just change their mind and say, I'd rather not have money? I'd rather play for Coach K.

Coach K has avoided the FBI investigation because his name is too difficult for agents to spell in reports

Coach K has somehow avoided all sorts of investigations and indictments because his last name is so difficult to spell if you're an FBI agent... you have to type out Krzyzewski probably 400 times... I'm saying no thank you, I'm going to investigate Bill Self.

Coach K will fake a brain aneurysm or heart attack if the FBI investigation into college basketball heats up

What injury is [Coach K] going to do if he starts to feel some heat? [PFT: Brain aneurysm is next.] They're not feeling any heat this year. [PFT: Oh, my heart. I'm having a heart attack. My brain.]

Nick Bosa is a quitter for withdrawing from Ohio State before the draft

I'm just saying it's a black stain on the OSU program... I kind of think he's a quitter... if you can't play for an egomaniacal lying psychopath [Urban Meyer], why could you ever play for Dan Snyder?

Top NFL prospects should want to get injured in bowl games to reach their second contract faster

But if you're good enough, you actually want to get injured in that bowl game because you don't have to play your first year in the pros. And so you're one year closer to your second contract.

The Wisconsin Badgers season is officially over

The Badger season's over. They're a fucking dumpster fire. I'm done... don't ever think about getting sucked back into this Wisconsin season. They're chicken shit cowards and don't deserve your time or money.

The Bears are destined to sign Brock Osweiler

The Bears are destined to sign Brock Osweiler... because he is the perfect... he's more Mike Glennon than Mike Glennon is. And the fact that he's impressed you guys so many times by beating you in your face.

The 2018 Chicago Bears are not a Super Bowl team

I also, if the Bears had won that game and gone 4-1 and then played the Patriots next week and had been like, someone would have written the, could this be a Super Bowl preview, which is stupid because the Bears are not a Super Bowl team, whatever.

Jon Gruden is starting to realize he is in over his head as the Raiders head coach

Right now, Jon Gruden's entering the phase of this job where he is starting to realize, hey, I might be in a little bit over my head. This isn't actually the year 1998.

Tom Brady's record in the state of New York is probably more impressive than Ben Roethlisberger's record in Ohio

I just wonder what Tom Brady's record is in the state of New York. Because I bet you it's more impressive than Big Ben's record in the state of Ohio.

Nathan Peterman is the Matt Schaub of our generation

Yeah, he's the Matt Schaub of our generation. It's great. I mean, every game is just so much more exciting when Nathan Peterman gets involved because you know what's going to happen. It's just a matter of time.

The Jets might actually be good

The Jets might be good. 3-3. Todd Bowles, turn that squad around. Turn it around. Top 10. That's what he does. He's getting up there.

I am officially 'Done Chaining' the Denver Broncos

I might Dunchain the Broncos. That defense gets gashed... I feel confident dun-chaining the Broncos.

The Chiefs defense is so bad they can lose games even when scoring 40 points

The Chiefs' defense, though, if you score 40 points in the NFL and you lose, that's impressive. That's an impressive thing to do. Their defense is so, so bad.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end in the history of the game

Did you guys realize that Rob Gronkowski is actually the greatest tight end in the history of the game? Like, he actually is. It's kind of not even a debate.

I am still buying Scott Frost as a good coach for Nebraska

Their quarterback got injured. I don't know. For whatever reason, I'm still buying Scott Frost.

LeBron James is the new Steve Jobs

LeBron is the new Steve Jobs. From films and TV shows to educational institutions, A&R-ing via his IG... James is using his magnitude to invade industries and redirect the conversation.

The Giants should 'put Eli Manning down' like an old house cat

Eli Manning, he's more like an old house cat that just coughs up hairballs and shits himself all the time. Put it down. Put it down.

The Raiders could move on from Derek Carr next year

I think the real question is, what do they do with Derek Carr next year? Because even though he's got that big contract, they can unload him at a manageable cap hit if they decide that John Gruden needs a different quarterback... In fact, it's easier than you'd think to get out from under Carr's contract.

The Raiders will get rid of Derek Carr and replace him with old veterans

He strikes me as a guy that would absolutely get rid of this high-paid quarterback and bring in like six veterans who are all over the age of like 33.

The Seahawks are not good enough to win in the playoffs this year

I don't think they're good enough to win in the playoffs. I think if they get to the playoffs, that's a huge accomplishment. Too early to declare them back. I just think the Raiders are done.

The Giants must move on from Eli Manning if they get the number one pick

After the year, look, if they finish with the worst record in football and they get the first overall pick in the draft, then you have to move on... At some point you just have to write it off and move on, right?

The Giants should be treating Saquon Barkley like the centerpiece of their offense

They should be treating Saquon Barkley like the Cowboys treat Elliott, like the Vikings treated Adrian Peterson. The offense goes through this guy instead of him just being a piece in a bigger puzzle because the rest of the puzzle is crap.

Carson Wentz is 'damaged goods' and will get hurt again

I said [to WIP radio], Mahomes, then Goff, then Wentz, because Wentz is damaged goods. And he's got the torn ACL, and he plays with reckless abandon. He's going to get hurt again. That's just the way it is.

The Steelers could trade Le'Veon Bell to the Eagles as soon as he returns

I still don't rule out the possibility of them trading him as soon as he comes back to a team like the Eagles or another team.

David Price's good postseason game was actually mediocre by normal standards

Strive in life to be like David Price where you set the bar so impossibly low for yourself that pitching four and two-thirds and four earned runs is actually, people are saying, you were dominant.

The Red Sox should move David Price to the bullpen

Why don't they just move him to the bullpen? That would make sense.

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin are going to break up

Haley Baldwin and... Biebs... Yeah, they're going to break up. Okay. That's the second.

Eli Manning needs to retire

Sir, Eli Manning, sir. Please retire. I've seen enough. The Giants offensive line is bad, and it's the worst combo possible because the Giants offensive line is bad, and Eli Manning is also a Hall of Fame self-sacker. And he can't – he just – like, it's just not there.

Eli Manning is a better quarterback than Peyton Manning

Eli had a great career. Two Super Bowls. Yeah, beat Tom Brady. How did that happen? The better Manning. The better of the two Mannings. Easily, in my estimation. Never lost Super Bowl.

Saquon Barkley is the closest modern equivalent to Barry Sanders

Saquon Barkley is absolutely incredible. Breathtakingly so. He is as close to Barry Sanders as we're going to get in terms of that squatty body, huge-ass legs, makes everyone miss.

The Eagles season is officially saved after beating the Giants

Eagles season is saved. Carson Wentz, there was no QB controversy. But Carson Wentz, Eagles season saved. They're now 3-3, which is essentially like a 10-game lead in the NFC East.

Jimmy Butler's practice takeover in Minnesota was a Jordan-esque move

Jimmy Butler wants to be traded... Jimmy shows up to practice for the first time and basically emasculates the entire organization. He takes the bench players, the third stringers, and beats the first team... I'm a Jimmy Butler skeptic through and through. I'm skeptical of his top 20-ness. But this was a Jordan move.

Jimmy Butler is officially 100% a dickhead and a diva

Let's just, because we're kind of all on Jimmy Butler's side, let's just say Jimmy Butler's for sure a dickhead. Like 100%. Yes, he's 100% a dickhead, a diva... it's clear that he's really feeling himself these days.

The 2018 NFC Championship will be Bears vs. Rams

It's going to be Rams, Bears, and the NFC Championship game. And the Bears are probably going to beat them with that physical defense.

The 2018 Super Bowl will be Bears vs. Patriots

It's going to be Bears-Patriots in the Super Bowl.

The Chiefs will beat the Patriots outright in Week 6

Chiefs and Patriots, it's going to be awesome. We'll see if Mahomes is for real... I think the Chiefs win this one outright. I do.

The Jaguars vs. Cowboys game will go under 40.5 points

The under that I love, love, love this week is the Jags-Cowboys, under 40 and a half, because the Cowboys can't score, and the Jags have a good defense.