Takes

The Manning family has brainwashed everyone into over-respecting Eli Manning

I disagree [that Eli deserves more respect]. I think that you've been brainwashed by Archie Manning. I have a theory that the Mannings have brainwashed [everyone].

LeBron James is suffering from alcohol withdrawal after drinking two bottles of wine

LeBron, this is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal. He had at least two bottles of wine, to himself, split maybe with a couple glasses to his three-year-old kid or whatever... that would put his blood alcohol content at above the legal limit... meaning the next day he was going through symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, which is maybe why they lost.

You have to bet on the Steelers when Ben Roethlisberger thinks he is injured

This actually, if you are a betting man, and we are, you have to take the Steelers this weekend. Because an injured Big Ben, or even a Big Ben who thinks he is injured, always is dangerous. Because if he is actually feeling pain somewhere, then that's a big part of his brain that's not able to fuck everything up for the rest of his body.

I refuse to sign up for any app that doesn't use the standard phone number keypad for data entry

If you're still making apps in the year of our Lord 2018 that doesn't let me just do the phone keyboard with the numbers [instead of the long horizontal keyboard], I'm absolutely not signing up for your app. That's how lazy I've got.

The Nicki Minaj and Cardi B beef will never actually end

I don't think it's going to end though. Give it like two months, the same cycle, spout off. [Nicki Minaj] has a radio show, so she needs shit to talk about.

The Pardon My Take crew is officially 'Team Cardi B'

We are team Cardi B through and through. They call us the Cardi three. Me, Hank, and Big Cat.

Clayton Kershaw is still kind of a bum in the playoffs

Clayton Kershaw still kind of a bum. Whew. That was tough. If [David] Price had done what Kershaw did, you'd be killing him. Bum is hard. But today was a moment... when you give up a two-run homer in the first inning, that's tough.

Manny Machado is the perfect villain for baseball

Manny Machado, the world's biggest jerk. I love Manny Machado. I don't want him on the Cubs, but I love this guy... It was his coming out party as a real asshole, and I love it. Because the world... we need villains. And Manny Machado was the perfect villain.

The Dodgers' bullpen would be their undoing

I said that the Dodgers' bullpen was going to be their undoing. From the start. I also said Red Sox in five. So not to brag, but I called it.

David Price should have been the World Series MVP

I thought David Price should have been the MVP. [He] had a very low bar to clear, and he cleared it really well. But still, the expectation versus reality, he absolutely dominated in that perspective.

Never trust a 'cat guy' like Todd Gurley

This goes along with my long-held opinion. You don't trust a cat guy. [Todd Gurley]'s got two cats. Anybody that makes the honest decision to have an animal live in your house that also craps in there, I will not trust you with a single thing.

The Packers will build off their close loss to the Rams

This is going to be a loss that the Packers can build off of. Well, they have a tough schedule coming up. They're going to build off this loss... I would be very woke on them.

Kirk Cousins will not win big games for the Vikings

But that's one of those games that if you're a Vikings fan, you have to ask yourself, we paid Kirk Cousins to win those type of games, and Kirk Cousins isn't going to win those type of games. He's not going to win those type of games... Kirk Cousins will not win big games, but he can win enough games to get you in the playoffs.

Hue Jackson is statistically the worst coach in NFL history

Out of 219 coaches with a minimum of 40 games coached, Hue Jackson ranks 218th all-time in winning percentage. The only one who is worse, former Eagles head coach Burt Bell.

The Bears will be in first place in the NFC North (for now)

The Bears are back. They're number one. NFC North. Just saying. I don't know if we'll hold on to it for very long, but you have to enjoy the small steps, okay?

I'm withholding all judgment on Josh Rosen for his rookie year

I'm officially saying this whole year, too early to judge. I learned my lesson from Jared Goff. I like that. What about Sam Darnold? Too early to judge.

I have very little faith in Ohio State winning the rest of their games

Ohio State, I have very little faith in them to win the rest of their games. Because they give up so many big plays on defense... They have like one of those [Purdue losses] a year now.

The 2018 College Football Playoff will include Alabama, Notre Dame, Clemson, and Michigan

The Final Four, if I'm projecting it out at the end of the season, would be Alabama, Notre Dame, Clemson, in some order... And then Michigan. My top four now are Alabama, Notre Dame, Clemson, LSU. But I'm projecting, obviously, that Alabama beats LSU.

Clemson is the only team that can go toe-to-toe with Alabama

Clemson feels like the only team that could go toe to toe with Alabama. And I'm not sure. Cause if you get Clemson, when they hit kill mode, I don't think Notre Dame or Michigan or LSU would be able to hang with him.

Winning big college football games requires changing up jerseys to get everyone excited

That's how you win football games. That's how you win big football games. You change up the jerseys, get everyone excited, don't pay the players, put all that money into doing different jerseys every week. New helmets.

The Cleveland Cavaliers should hire J.R. Smith as a player-coach

I am in full support of player coach J.R. Smith. J.R. Smith, player coach. Get it trending. Do it. Petty War. NBA Twitter, you got this.

Joe Buck is the best announcer of the last 30 years

Do you think that Joe Buck is the best announcer of the last 30 years? Yes. I think Joe Buck, although he's getting so much credit now... Throw your Joe Buck sucks take out the window. Which is true.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Texans win the Super Bowl

No, they're not going to win the Super Bowl. Guaranteed. I'll cut off a pinky... I'll cut off half a pinky. Nope. I'm going to cut off the top of my nub... I'm going to cut off the nail up if the Texans win.

The Texans will beat the Bengals in the playoffs

The Texans definitely have a chance to beat the Bengals in the playoffs. I'll put it that way.

The Redskins will finish the season with at least 10 wins

The bottom line is the R-words [Redskins] are going to go 10-6 minimum. Maybe 11-5.

The Lions are not sure they're bad and could win their division

I actually think the Lions could be okay. They could win that division, you think? Are we sure they're good? We're not sure they're bad.

I would come out of retirement to fight Steven Seagal

If I was going to come out of retirement, if Steven Seagal would sign a contract, I'd come out... I've already thrown that gauntlet down years ago.

The Muhammad Ali Act should be amended to include MMA fighters to break the promoters' monopoly

If I could change anything in the sport, I would amend the definition of a combative sports athlete for the federal legislation and the Muhammad Ali Act to include all combative sports athletes, not just boxers... right now in MMA, the flaw in our system is that the promoter and the sanctioning body are the same guy... It's not a competitive sport.

George St-Pierre and BJ Penn are on the MMA GOAT list

George St-Pierre. George has got to be on the list. Absolutely got to be on the list... [and] BJ Penn's got to be on there.

Jon Jones would defeat Brock Lesnar in a fight

I think probably Jon [Jones], his athleticism and length is going to pose a problem for Lesnar. And Brock, as amazing athlete as he is and as big and strong as he is, he still hasn't really made friends with getting punched in the face.

Purdue fans have grown up 'disappointed' by the 'Purdue Way'

Growing up a Purdue fan, unfortunately you kind of not grow up disappointed of sports, I would say, but you kind of learn not quote unquote the Purdue way. Purdue has not been known as a powerhouse football wise since Drew Brees was at Purdue.

David Price officially has the clutch gene

Does David Price have the clutch gene? That is the question. That is the segment. And I'm going to say yes. He does. When it matters the most.

The Jimmy Butler trade to the Rockets should cost at least seven first-round picks

I think it's got to be worth at least seven [first-round picks].

Chris Paul is the worst teammate in the NBA

Chris Paul, worst teammate in the league... It says all of his former teammates. Ryan Hollins and Glen Davis [say it].

Kevin Durant is a 'baby back bitch'

Kevin Durant, actually. I want to call him a baby back bitch to his face... [and] I think he would actually be good after a while, after we got the old baby back bitch shit out of the way.

The Dodgers' bullpen is their one true weakness

The bullpen wasn't great for the Dodgers. That's their one weakness that they have. Bullpen pitchers are just pitchers that couldn't be starting pitchers.

An ugly win provides a bigger confidence boost than a pretty close win

An ugly win is actually worth more than a pretty close win. Because if you can win ugly, that's like a confidence boost. Like, okay, we didn't have our stuff [but we still won].

Eli Manning is no longer a good quarterback

Eli Manning is not a good quarterback anymore... That means he was a good quarterback, two Super Bowl rings, Hall of Famer, all that stuff. He's not a good quarterback anymore, and I can't stand the offensive line talk because, yes, the offensive line is bad, but Eli Manning is the king of pressures coming, just turtle, and not look downfield.

Archie Manning is the Kris Jenner of football

I think Archie Manning is the Kris Jenner of football... He really is. I agree with that. He has made it so that Peyton Manning... when he put his balls on someone's face? That one got erased. The Eli Manning fraud... when he was selling fake jewelry, that one got erased... Archie Manning, he is basically controlling the narrative of the Manning family and getting it to a point where I actually think the Giants ownership is afraid to bench Eli.

Eli Manning is rebuilding the Giants by sucking so bad they get high draft picks

Is Eli Manning's legacy two Super Bowls for the Giants or being so bad his last two years that he tanked his way to getting him Saquon Barkley and Justin Herbert? By sucking so bad, he's rebuilding the Giants.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future and will surpass baseball

My cool throne is lacrosse... My other hot seat could have been baseball because lacrosse is coming for that America's Pastime, sport of the future. Premier Lacrosse League was announced. TV deal... This sounds like a real dud. No, this is going to be great.

Jerry Jones traded for Amari Cooper because he was drinking Johnny Walker Blue

I do not understand how the Dallas Cowboys gave up a first-round pick for Amari Cooper... Jerry Jones... the reason is Johnny Walker Blue.

Marshawn Lynch is faking his injury because he doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden

Marshawn Lynch is out... He's out with an injured groin is the explanation they gave. I don't think that Marshawn Lynch is capable of having his groin injured... I think he doesn't like Jon Gruden. He doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden to do a car.

2018 is the 'Year of the Blake' because Griffin and Bortles are back

Cool Throne, I have Blake. Blake's. Plural. Both of our Blake's. Blake Griffin, 50 Burger... and Blake Bortles, named starter. So we're back. It's been a big year for Blakes.

Jack Coan will be the next great quarterback for Wisconsin

You have a quarterback on the University of Wisconsin roster that eventually is going to take over... His name is Jack Coan. He's a five-star... He's already there... He dominated football in Long Island... He elected to go to Wisconsin because... they brought all these other big offensive linemen in... and the coach said, look at these guys. They're your offensive line when you become 19 or 20 years old.

Cystic Fibrosis will be eradicated in 5 to 10 years

I think CF will be eradicated from this earth in about five to 10 years.

NFL teams should always go for two when down eight in the fourth quarter

The nerds had the correct theory here that you go for two when you're down eight in the fourth quarter, because essentially you have to score another touchdown no matter what. If you hit the first two, you can win the game with an extra point. I'm smarter than I was in the past.

LeBron James moved to the Lakers to hide from his critics

Is LeBron James hiding from us? Because here's what happened. At like 12:30, I went to sleep. I missed all of the fourth quarter, missed the free throws... I think that LeBron James has moved out west because he knows... MJ people, we're getting a little older, got to get to sleep. The LeBron stans... they stay up all night... and LeBron knows he will not get criticized... Like, I should have been there hating LeBron when he missed those free throws. Except, father time has taken its hold on me, and I need to go to sleep.

Mitchell Michael Trubisky is the best running quarterback in the NFL

In the windy city we go, where the NFL's best running quarterback, Mitchell Michael Trubisky, had Bears fans hammering the dog at plus two.

Cody Kessler is a terrible quarterback

Cody Kessler that guy stinks throwing the ball over the place fumbling he recovered his fumble but still interceptions I get it you gotta maybe sit down the boat [Bortles] for a minute it was uh the engine needs a little tune up but good news the next game for the Jaguars is in London and Blake Bortles owns London.