Takes

Small schools should pay recruits in Bitcoin because it is untraceable and 'theoretically legal'

We just pay recruits in Bitcoin. Untraceable... Is there an NCAA law that you cannot pay your recruits in Bitcoin?... Bitcoin isn't tangible. It's theoretical. So, theoretically, we didn't do anything wrong.

LeBron James threw Game 3 against the Celtics to help the Celtics' ticket sales

LeBron James threw Game 3 just so that all of Boston had to buy tickets for Game 5 so that he could buttfuck them in public.

Brock Osweiler helped his teams by keeping the defense on the field

The Texans had a really good defense. And so Osweiler did a great job of keeping their best unit on the field. [Same with the Broncos]. Brock Osweiler knows how to have his team play to its strengths by always keeping the defense on the field.

Russell Wilson should become a pharmacist to write Adderall prescriptions for the Seahawks defense

What if Russell goes back to school in the off-season? Here's what you do, Russ. Go to school, become a pharmacist. And then just write unlimited [Adderall] prescriptions.

Kyrie Irving wouldn't have gotten off the bench for John Wooden in the 1960s

If [Kyrie Irving] played back in the 60s, he wouldn't have got off the bench on John Wooden's team. Dribbles between the legs too much. A little bit of a ball hog. A little bit of a flashy showboat. But I guess if you score points in today's day and age, that's all you need.

Vegans don't know what they're talking about and organic food is a sham

Here's what I learned. That this – Vegans don't know what they're talking about. And two, the people that are – Organic is – that's a sham too... Organic is not more healthy. It is not sustainable. We're going to 9 billion people on the planet. The resources that it takes to make something organic uses twice the month, twice as the resources that it does otherwise. I mean, that's not sustainable.

Roger Goodell is keeping a hit list of players who celebrate to have them killed

I think Goodell is secretly letting the players do this [celebrate], but you know he's keeping a hit list. So if he sees a player go to ground or use the ball as a prop, heaven forbid, he's writing your name down on a sheet of paper and he's going to pay to have you killed.

Adam Silver texted LeBron James and told him to play bad for ratings and revenue

Did LeBron James get a text from Adam Silver being like, 'Hey, LeBron, all anyone can talk about is how the NBA Finals are nine days away after you sweep the Celtics. We're going to really need some more cash here, so could you just suck for an entire game and look totally disinterested?'

Kevin Love should be the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns

Kevin Love should be the Browns quarterback. He does have unbelievable passing. He'll throw one or two a game where it's like, how the hell did he do that?

If an Olympic medal deteriorates, the athlete shouldn't be considered the winner anymore

I think the medals that were won in this Olympics, if they deteriorate, they shouldn't count. If the medal's gone, you didn't win it.

Kevin Durant is staying under the radar but he is still a 'baby back bitch'

Not a lot of talk about Kevin Durant being a baby back bitch. Nobody says. He's under the radar right now. Just don't forget the sloucher, the Durantula, the servant... It's all falling in nicely for Kevin Durant, though. He's staying under the radar, so just keep your eye out.

Tom Brady uses the concussion excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt. And Brady's like, yeah, I'm dealing with a lot of concussions, babe.

Hillary Clinton killed Chris Cornell

[Chris Cornell] also just happened to be the guy that sang the theme song for the Benghazi movie. And he was very active in Benghazi awareness that implicated a woman named Hillary Clinton. And then he passes away under mysterious circumstances. I think Hillary Clinton killed Chris Cornell.

Men wearing rompers will get laid more because everyone can see their package

Actually, this is a combo hot seat cool throne for guys with big dicks because hot seat, you might just be flashing people with your romper cool throne. Everyone can see your big dick. Probably can get laid more.

Brad Stevens is coaching for his job because higher expectations follow the number one pick

My hot seat is Brad Stevens. We advance another round. It means he has at least four more games. He's coaching for his job out there. And the number one pick. That's higher expectations... Setting himself up to fail.

The Yankees are actually better without Derek Jeter

Kind of strange how the Yankees started winning after [Jeter] retired. Are the Yankees better without Derek Jeter?

The Warriors' championship will have an asterisk because they cheated by injuring Kawhi Leonard

The Warriors were dead, and then they decided to cheat and came back to life... I, for one, am very happy that this happened because now I'm ready to put an asterisk on the Warriors championship. Just like that. They had a cakewalk through the West. They ran into a hobbled Spurs team.

Triple-doubles are actually a sign of a bad team and poor role players

20 of the 23 NBA players who recorded a triple-double have been eliminated from the playoffs. [PFT]: So, turns out triple doubles are actually bad. Really bad... These guys are jacks of all trade, masters of none. You need role players on your team.

Colin Kaepernick is being blackballed because his name is too difficult to spell

I actually think Colin Kaepernick's getting blackballed because his last name's annoying to spell. The whole A before E thing is very problematic. I mean, I always say cap because I don't want to spell it out and be wrong. So teams are probably like, you know what? We don't want all of our fans on Twitter to look like idiot fans by misspelling the quarterback's name.

Derek Jeter is jealous of A-Rod's business success with A-Rod Corp

I think that's the bottom of it, is that Derek Jeter is jealous of all of the business success A-Rod Corp has had... They sold like 50 golf shirts. He had lunch with his little girls the other day. Meanwhile, Derek Jeter can't buy the Marlins.

Kobe Bryant is the greatest of all time

But I think to avoid this debate, the stance of this podcast is just going to be Kobe. We're just Kobe guys. Kobe is the greatest of all time. Just so we never have to debate this again.

Bees aren't actually dying at an alarming rate

And people keep saying that they're dying at an alarming rate like you did. But I don't think that they are. I'm woke on the whole bee thing, the whole bee scare of 2016.

If you claim you were hacked on Twitter, you should tweet vile things to make it look real

If you want to say you got hacked... before you do that just start tweeting out the craziest most vile swastikas dick pics own it just get go insane the weird links... It's so easy to actually fake like you got hacked instead of just saying, whoops, I got hacked.

If something is more expensive, that means it's better

If something's more expensive, that means it's better, right? Correct. Without a doubt. Like Fyre Fest tickets. That was the best concert of all time.

My book 'How to Win a Fist Fight' would just be a hollowed-out book with a knife inside

We are going to sell a book called How to Win a Fist Fight, and it's just inside the book. It's carved out, and it's just a knife... Step one, take this knife out. Step two, stab the guy in the face. Step three, you won your fist fight.

Isaiah Thomas should get a gold tooth or no teeth at all to save money on mouthguards

I think [Isaiah Thomas] should go no teeth overall. Gold tooth. Save a shitload of money on mouthguards.

The 'Crosby Theory': A team gets better after losing its best player

I think it's fair to ask now if the Penguins are better without Sidney Crosby... If you lose your best player, but your team gets better, the Crosby theory.

The Kentucky Derby is infringing on Chris Berman's 'Fastest Two Minutes' trademark

I just want to say a little cease and desist to the Kentucky Derby. They're infringing a little bit on our good friend Chris Berman's trademark of the fastest two minutes in sports.

The red bathing suit Instagram campaign is a viral ad for the Baywatch movie

The Baywatch movie is coming out in like a month... This is a viral ad for the Baywatch movie. This is easy. This is too easy.

Sidney Crosby was only injured because the Penguins lack an enforcer

The real issue is Sidney Crosby only got hit in his head like that because there's not as much fighting in hockey as there used to be... the Penguins, they're too big of pussies. And they have no enforcer, so they are the ones that got Sidney Crosby injured.

Cristiano Ronaldo's goals are easy and anyone could do them

I could fucking do that. Left footed. He's a finisher. Who isn't? We all finish.

The city of Edmonton does not actually exist

I don't think the town of Edmonton actually exists. I don't know anyone that's ever been there. I'm a big-time Edmonton truther. The whole city is filled with crisis actors.

Patrick Mahomes' arm is too strong for the Andy Reid offense

I also think it was a questionable move by Andy Reid. It doesn't really fit his system, which is throw the ball like four yards. His arm is too strong for the Andy Reid offense. He's just going to be overthrowing his receivers all day.

Mike Brown is a better coach for the Warriors than Steve Kerr

Mike Brown is better than Steve Kerr. It's obvious if you watched the first quarter of that game last night. Steve Kerr, as we say on the show, he's a system coach. He only coaches well when he's coaching in his system. So I think that we're going to see him be exposed more and more.

Pat Riley is a time traveler

Here's how I know he's not dead is because you have to have feelings to be alive in the first place. And since he has just shut out all of his feelings, then he can't possibly ever be alive or dead. Therefore, he'll never die. Therefore, he is a time traveler. He's in a constant state of just focus. Of being.

Steve Kerr's back issues were caused by inhaling LeBron James' pre-game chalk dust

I'm pointing the finger again at LeBron James for Steve Kerr's issues. LeBron James gets up before every game and throws some unknown substance into the air. Guess who's closer than anybody else to that situation? That dust that he's thrown. Steve Kerr.

Turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have

I'll say this turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have in your life.

Any lower-body injury for a person over 251 pounds is life-threatening

If you weigh more than 251 pounds, any injury that you have below your waist is a severe issue. It's life-threatening.

Pregnancy is technically a performance enhancing drug for athletes

Serena Williams how she got pregnant and how being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug because she has more blood in her system because she's not on the dot anymore and since she has more blood she's got more red blood cells which means she's circulating oxygen at a higher rate.

Tiger Woods is actually getting hair transplant surgery or steroids, not back surgery

Tiger had a fourth back surgery. I have a stay woke on that... I think he's actually getting hair transplant surgery and he's calling it back surgery... Or steroids. He's getting a steroid implanted in his body.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

Being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug for female athletes

Chicks get a glow when they get pregnant... statistically proven that teams that wear red-colored uniforms do better because red is the color of dominance. So anytime you start to glow when you're pregnant, it gives you the edge. So technically, being pregnant is a PED.

Oakland is a bad sports town

Oakland's a bad sports town. Derek Carr said that fans that don't follow the Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas aren't good fans. ... You have to admit that he's right. ... Oakland has... a big enough sense entitlement as it is. ... Oakland come on get your shit together.

The MLB should use a radar gun to decide tied games after 13 innings

Just have a radar gun and just each team gets 10 throws. Fastest throw wins. Fastest combined average score. ... all nine players on the field have to throw. So whoever in the game... you get to see fun shit like first baseman throw and stuff.

The US has never bombed a country that could play basketball

We've never bombed a country that could play basketball. It's true. It's the NBA war theory.

LeBron James has never actually read The Godfather book

You read the Godfather book for the 7,000th time in a row, even though I don't think you ever read it the first time.

Roger Goodell looks like a genius for waiting to punish Aaron Hernandez

Roger Goodell... looks like a genius in hindsight like he he played this discipline policy as perfectly as you can do it he would have been in serious serious legal trouble of his own if he had suspended Hernandez for these two murders and then he was found not guilty.

Phil Jackson is actively trying to get fired by the Knicks to get a settlement

Phil Jackson is actively just trying to screw up as much as he can on purpose... Everything that you thought that Phil could do to try to get fired and get a big settlement, he has done it.

The Falcons technically won the Super Bowl according to Bill Belichick's math

[Belichick's] exact quote was really at halftime the game is two thirds over because the fourth quarter is just situational football. So spin zone, the Falcons technically won the Super Bowl.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.