Takes

Tony Romo is a coward if he doesn't check into the Mavericks game

I'd just like to say that if Tony Romo doesn't play, if he doesn't choose coach out to get in that game, he's a coward. Doesn't love the game.

The Patriots brought in Adrian Peterson specifically to injure him so no one else could sign him

The Patriots specifically just brought Peterson in to try to injure him in a workout so that no other team could get him.

The Bears are officially 'back' because Aaron Rodgers broke up with Olivia Munn

Aaron Rodgers versus the Bears while dating Olivia Munn. The Bears were 1-5... Before he was dating Olivia Munn, he was 10-3... So the Bears are back is what you're telling me right now.

LeBron James would not be an all-time great if you removed the 30 feet around the basket

If you took away the 30 feet around the basket, though, LeBron James would not be an all-time great basketball player. He relies way too much on driving and his jump shot... On the high percentage shots. And dunks and, yeah, anything inside the logo.

In the Eastern Conference playoffs, you should always bet against teams wearing red

All the red teams are pretty much the same team. They might win one playoff series. If you're the Heat, if you're the Raptors, if you're the Bulls, if you're the Hawks, you're going to win maybe one series and then you're done... Always bet against Red.

Modern starting pitchers are soft for only throwing 180 innings

Today it's going to be harder [for pitchers to get in the Hall] because they're doing less. You've got starters who go out and have a full season and have 180 innings. I mean, that's the equivalent of having a vagina... As a starter, your job is innings.

Men and women can't be friends unless they are having sex

Can guys and girls be friends? No. Unless they're fucking. Then they're really good friends.

Tony Romo will not be a good broadcaster

Tony... he's not going to be – I don't think he's going to be very good in the broadcast booth. Hot take, Tony Romo is not – this is the classic media loving the guy who smiled a lot, who had his backwards hat... who answered questions, and was generally likable.

Phil Mickelson intentionally reported Lexi Thompson's rules violation to ensure the PGA Tour was on notice

I think Phil Mickelson called in this rules violation ahead of the Masters to make sure everybody was on their game. ... Also stay woke. Maybe he was just making this quote to get the headlines that he paid $2 million to his bookie last year, pushed down a little bit on the Google search results.

The NFL should let fans call in penalties from their couches like the LPGA

I love this rule. This is my favorite part about golf by far. Anybody at home has deputized themselves as a rules official... the NFL could deal they could adopt this rule I want to sit at home I want to call face masks from my couch and i want dean blandino to have to review the tape.

Tim Tebow's lifetime of competition will help him hit a curveball

He was actually competing before he was even born because he was supposed to be aborted... He beat an abortion doctor. Yes. He's been winning for so long... And again, that will help him hit a curveball.

A man cave should function as a legal safe haven where murder doesn't count

I think being in a man cave is basically like a lawyer's office for dudes... Murder doesn't count in a man cave. I don't know what they were doing. They were hanging up St. Pauli girl neon beer signs... whatever, just guys being guys in the man cave.

Every single movie in the Rocky franchise is good, including Rocky V

I'm actually one of the few that likes every single movie out of the whole franchise... [I like Rocky V] I do.

Eating dinner with a woman who isn't your wife is a form of cheating

I think that eating is a form of cheating. I think eating is actually worse than sex. Because if you think back to cavemen, cavemen, they wouldn't share a meal, right? But they go around fucking everything. That's guy stuff. Guys like to fuck... But eating, it's like, no, this is my sacred energy source. I'm not going to share it with you.

The Golden State Warriors are a worse team with Kevin Durant

I said that they were going to be worse with [Kevin Durant]. I said that. I was the only one. You called me an idiot. Guess what? The black hole is leaving Oakland, but he's the new black hole. You pass the ball to him, it disappears... I think he's the second best player in the NBA, but I think that they're a worse team with him.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL is just faking his endorsements

I think that John Madden's actually dead. I think that the NFL is just attributing quotes to John Madden when they make changes to the game of football so that everybody would be like, oh, well, John Madden's a football guy. He approves of this change.

Bill Belichick already has conditions on the Browns' number one overall pick for a Jimmy Garoppolo trade.

I think that it's Belichick's pick if he wants it for Garoppolo. Belichick's just such a dick that he institutes his own conditions on other teams' draft picks before he even takes them. So he's like, I'm going to take that draft pick from you, but my condition is you're not allowed to talk about your draft pick.

Tony Romo is the biggest sucker alive for believing Jerry Jones would be loyal to him.

Is Tony Romo the last person in the world to realize this was what was going to happen? He's like a high schooler in this situation. He actually thought that Jerry Jones was going to be like, hey, Tony, don't worry. We'll take care of you, man. We're not going to do what's in the best interest of the Dallas Cowboys.

The South Carolina Gamecocks should change their name to just 'The Cox' because Gamecocks is offensive

South Carolina should change its name from the Gamecocks, which is offensive, to just the Cox. Which is not. It's 2017.

Every coach who doesn't win the National Championship should be fired

Every coach that doesn't win the national championship should probably get fired. I agree. It's a failure.

The Golden State Warriors are soft 'candy-ass'

If you can put a live cam on Steph Curry and the rest of the soft candy-ass Golden State Warriors watching the finals that they should be in. That would be great.

Getting a Triple B brand tattoo right now is a great way to go viral

Right now, we all have the opportunity to be the first person to get the Triple B tattoo. Because no one's got that tattoo yet. So if you want to get a couple headlines, you want to see your face on Bleacher Report, now's the time.

If they took away shots over 20 feet, Steph Curry would be an average player

If they took away the 20 to 50-foot shot, then Steph Curry would probably only average like 22 points a game.

The Golden State Warriors are baby back bitches

Anytime the Warriors get discussed on this show, it gets hot. Because they're baby back bitches.

Colin Kaepernick's humanitarian aid in Somalia is actually supporting piracy

He flew like 60 tons of food to Somalia, which if you want to take it to its logical conclusion, which we always do, he is supporting piracy, right? Because some of those kids are going to grow up and become pirates.

Jay Wright is a big-time choker if you take away his one ring

Jay Wright on CBS coverage... People forget if you take away that one ring, it's a big-time choker.

Bob Huggins will have a heart attack in the finals because of the desert heat

Bob Huggins is going to have a heart attack during the game or at the end of the game. Leave it all out on the court, and they're going to win... And it's in the desert, too. Way too hot for Huggie Bear.

Eddie Lacy is only signing with the Seahawks for a Skittles sponsorship

Lacey might just be angling for a Skittles sponsorship. So we saw Marshawn's locker. Maybe Marshawn's locker is still filled with Skittles, and Lacey was like, you guys don't even have to pay me as long as I can live in this locker.

The Washington Redskins are the worst organization in professional sports

I mean, i think that they're the worst organization in pro sports name me one that's worse than the Redskins... the Browns are above the Redskins right now.

Performance-enhancing drug use in sports is the moral equivalent of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme

I am opposed to performance-enhancing drug use because in competition where you have a level playing field because that world is the same as what Bernie Madoff did. Because Bernie Madoff, he lied. He cheated, he stole, and he bullied his way to the top.

Larry Bird, John Wooden, and Jerry Garcia are all effectively the same person

Understand that Larry Bird and John Wooden and Jerry Garcia are all the same person. And this sense of humanity, the sense of selflessness, the sense of leadership, the sense of assuming responsibility to be the guy and to be able to deliver every single night.

Tim Tebow's performance in spring training proves he only knows how to contribute

He grounded into a double play, but he drove in a run... All Tim Tebow does is contribute. I think that's one of those things that you have to look at and be like, you know, this is one of these intangibles that we talk about.

Kevin Durant is a front-running coward and a baby back bitch

Kevin Durant, pros. He's probably top three NBA player, probably best scorer, pure scorer in the NBA. Cons, skinny knees, slouches, and is a coward, front-running coward, and a baby back bitch.

Kevin Durant is the real NBA MVP because the Warriors are struggling without him

But you forgot the dark horse, the guy who gets injured, and the team's not as good, Kevin Durant. When he gets his knee injury and everyone says, well, look at the Warriors now. They're 2-2 since he got injured. Maybe he's the MVP, even though he's not going to play the entire season.

Mike Glennon is going to be great and perfect for the Chicago Bears

Mike Glennon's gonna be great for the Bears he's gonna be perfect and he is exactly he's exactly who the Bears would get in this situation because when you look at all the Bears quarterbacks they all suck... you need the guy who half the city is like, I think he could be okay. And then the rest of the city is like, you guys are all idiots.

I could easily kill a wolf one-on-one with my bare hands

I would be able to take a Wolf one-on-one... His point is exactly right. Wolves don't have thumbs. People forget that. So I would just grab the wolf's little neck and snap that thing. Wolf wouldn't even know what hit him.

Hometown saviors always work out well for the Cleveland Browns

He said that he would go play in Cleveland. He's a hometown kid. We all know that hometown quarterbacks work out really well for Cleveland. They're always saviors.

Michael Jordan could still average 15 points and 5 assists in the NBA right now

I don't want to say it, but I think he knows that I know that he knows he could probably still drop like 15 with maybe five assists a night in the NBA.

Patrick Mahomes' small hands are a reason not to pick him in the draft

I also saw that Mahomes had small hands, so be careful of that. Don't worry about the fact that he played in a Kliff Kingsbury offense, and it was an air raid... His hands, a little undersized. That's why you shouldn't pick them. I actually like him. I think he actually would be good for them.

The 49ers having no quarterbacks is liberating for Kyle Shanahan's play-calling

If you don't have any quarterbacks on your roster, then there's no chance that Kyle Shanahan is going to be able to call too many passing plays late in a game that they're winning... Shanahan's just taking away his ability to throw the ball too much.

Redskins GM Scott McCloughan has been dead for a year

I think he's been dead for a year... it's Bruce Allen who's just pretending like Scott [is alive]... If you want to deflect blame to somebody else, have a dead guy in the closet. Never bring him out in front of the media. And every time he fucks something up, be like, it's the dead guy's fault.

Kirk Cousins is the best quarterback that sucks

I think Kirk Cousins will perpetually be, is he good or not? Yes, he is the best quarterback that sucks.

Female orgasms and the G-spot do not actually exist

Raven told Nick that her ex-boyfriend never gave her an orgasm. That's because orgasms don't exist for chicks. Oh, yeah. The old G-spot? ... That's the, hey, you know the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch in the G-spot?

Concussions are a private family matter and the government should stay out of it

Whether or not a kid has a concussion, that's a private matter. That's a family matter. It's nobody's business. Handle it behind closed doors. Keep your government Dr. Obamacare death panel hands off my son. I'm going to be the one to tell whether or not he's seeing double.

The New York Knicks are the NBA team I would coach (kidding)

[What NBA team would you coach?] The Knicks. Madison Square Garden. But we're kidding, of course, because I don't want to leave.

Tim Tebow hitting home runs in batting practice proves he's a star

Is that an all-time record for home runs in batting practice? ... can he go deep? That's the question. ... He hit four home runs in five pitches. So there you go.

Adam Schefter is a system newsbreaker who can't report NBA trades

It's a really tough day, though, for Adam Schefter. He got scooped on every NBA trade today. He didn't report a single one of them. So you got to think, is Adam Schefter a system newsbreaker?

Wikipedia pages are better than the books they are based on

A lot of nerds out there like to say, oh, the book was better than the movie. Guess what? The Wikipedia page was better than the book. Correct.

Hidden Figures is the best movie of the last four to five years

I haven't seen this movie, but I want to see this movie because it looks unbelievable... If they don't give this one the Oscar, I might boycott the Oscars. Yeah, well, it's head and shoulders above anything else that's been made in the last five or six years... I'm giving it a 101 out of 100.

Actors should only be eligible for Oscars if they are from America

Not to be xenophobic, but I don't think you should be eligible to win an Oscar if you're not from America. I kind of agree. This is our thing. This is our show.