Takes

Beating Alabama in the SEC is as meaningful as winning a national title

Beating Alabama, if you're in the SEC, if you beat Alabama, that's almost as good as winning a national title in terms of like, you'd be like, well, we beat Alabama a couple years ago.

Urban Meyer's wife sent him to the bar to get his charisma back

I think Shelly Meyer might win wife of the year... led me to believe that she was like, 'Urban, go out and remember why you're Urban Meyer. Go out and hit on some chicks and get that swagger back. Get that charisma back. Get that fucking confidence back.' I think she actually sent him out to be like, go out, pick up a chick. Don't have sex with her, but pick her up and remind yourself why you're the alpha.

The USA is back because they 'skull fucked' Europe in the Ryder Cup

The USA, United States of America. We are back thanks to the Ryder cup team. Absolutely skull fucked Europe, 19 to nine biggest wins since 1975.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. Like Brian Laundrie probably saw that clip and he's like, all right, it's over.

Rutgers football is officially back

Rutgers football's back... back all the way. Greg Schiano, they've got a big test against Michigan this week. Birthplace of college football.

Trent Dilfer was coaching hard, not committing physical assault in his viral high school video

I hate the argument you never put your hands on a player it's like grabbing a guy by shoulder, grabbing him by the elbow. Come on. Are we really going to get upset about that. Obviously, if it's like punching choking... this, there was no malicious intent in this.

Sam Ehlinger would have beaten out Trevor Lawrence for the starting job if not for his injury

Unfortunately, Sam Ehlinger is out with a tweaked ACL... The Sam Ehlinger beating out Trevor Lawrence prediction has not come yet for now.

High-fiving the opposing pitcher after hitting a home run is over the line

The high five of the opposing pitcher is over the line and I don't support it. The pitcher runs up to home plate, high fives the batter as he's running around... That's too much for me.

You shouldn't be allowed to coach Little League if your children aren't in that age group

You should honestly should not be allowed to coach Little League if your children are not in that age group. Agreed. That's not a career, but you can stay on a Little League. Coach is not a job that you have for the rest of your life. You don't retire from becoming a Little League coach.

Tony La Russa will win MLB Manager of the Year

He's gonna win manager of the year. It's going to be so funny when that happens and everyone's going to be [pissed].

Ed Sheeran is 'not football' and shouldn't play the NFL Kickoff

Roger Goodell needs a guy that hangs out with him that's like, 'Hey, that's not football.' Ed Sheeran is not football. Not opening night football. Coldplay, not football. Imagine Dragons is way more football than Coldplay.

Trying to cancel Joe Rogan only promotes his show

It is the dumbest thing ever that they try to cancel Joe Rogan every other month. And then a bunch of people just tweet out Joe Rogan clips that probably just make new Joe Rogan fans. They're just doing his promotion for him.

The Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez relationship is a fake publicity stunt

It's fake love because it's all publicity stunt. The fact that they're remaking old pictures, they don't actually love each other. Imagine doing this, imagine having a relationship that is all for the tabloids... it's disgusting.

The Utah Jazz is the dumbest team name in sports

The Utah Jazz, it's the dumbest name in sports. It really [is]. ... If it was just the Boston Red Sox, the Knickerbockers... so many team names you're like, 'this doesn't make any sense'.

Team USA Basketball is doing a 'rope-a-dope' and will win the Olympic Gold

I'm thinking about it, I think they're [Team USA] actually going to win the gold. I think they're doing a little rope-a-dope... they're doing some drinking before games and that might be why they're playing—no, they're just, you know, they were out the night before. It's a tune-up. They're not taking this seriously. Once they take it seriously, they will beat everyone.

The internet trend of saying 'The Beatles suck' is objectively wrong

A decent amount of the internet is now just co-opted to take the Beatles suck and it blows my mind... You can say you don't personally like the Beatles... but saying they just suck is... the dumbest thing to say... Music that is occurring right now would not happen if it wasn't for the Beatles.

Shark Week is being used by the media to maintain a state of fear after COVID-19

I think that we're overdue for some of the shark. The media hasn't really like had anything to like keep us in fear about after COVID has kind of started to become an afterthought. The media day are overdue for another summer. You weren't scared about the story of the shooting that was planned in Denver.

Novak Djokovic is the undisputed GOAT and will complete the Calendar Grand Slam

Djokovich, it's over. He won his 20th grand slam title, Wimbledon. It's over, he's tied Federer and a doll [Nadal]. He's slightly younger than those guys. He's going to win. He's going to win at the us open. That's the calendar year grand slam.

USA Basketball losing to Nigeria is actually good for the sport

This is good for basketball. I like, I love those people. I don't care. You know, it's, it's, it's shown the, all the good that the United States has done on an international level. The fact that these teams who used to just look up to us and get autographs from our players after the games are now able to compete, it really goes to show you what a great job United States basketball has done in spreading the game.

The Browns will win exactly 11 games in the 2021 season

I'm thinking 11 wins, regular season, nothing crazy.

Joey Chestnut is pound-for-pound the greatest athlete of all time

I really do think pound for pound [Joey Chestnut] is the greatest athlete of all time. Maybe you could say Secretariat, but I don't. No, I think... Joey Chestnut has won 14 titles now. 14. No one has ever won that many titles at anything.

James Conrad's disc golf shot is the most clutch play in the history of any sport

I actually think that this is the most clutch play ever in the history of any sport. Name me a better shot than this... That shot was awesome.

Fast and Furious is the best movie franchise to watch while stoned

I don't think that there's a franchise of movies that's better to watch stoned in your entirety than Fast and the Furious.

Damian Lillard will eventually be traded by the Blazers

Damian Lillard has been the exception, not the rule, in that he has remained loyal and he deserves credit. But it does feel like this is going to probably end up being a trade. I also kind of figured it would happen eventually. He's not getting younger. He's like 31 or something.

Damian Lillard would not play well with LeBron James

I actually don't think that he [Lillard] would play well with LeBron. I mean, they would just win a title. But it wouldn't be fun for me to watch personally. No, it wouldn't be fun for anyone.

Ben Simmons does not love basketball

I do think Ben Simmons is probably one of those guys who falls in the camp of he's really good at basketball but probably doesn't love basketball. Because you can't love basketball and just never fix the fact that you can't shoot. Right?

F1 cars are too soft and need to be louder.

I think the cars are too loud. [Wait, no] make them a little bit softer or make them just really fucking loud... the cars are too soft. They're basically racing toy cars. It's the pussification of America, of Europe.

Triple plays should replace no-hitters because they are cooler.

Triple plays should replace no-hitters because they're cooler than no-hitters.

Defensive teams should score a run if they turn a triple play.

Actually, I think you should be able to get a run for a triple play. On defense, you should be able to score a run if you get a triple play... give us what the fans want, and that's defensive runs.

Jeffrey Toobin should own his scandal and become 'the jack off guy'

He should have been like, 'Hey guys, listen, I'm a guy. I jerk off.' You know what? You should trust me more because I'm just a regular guy who jerks off and guess what? This is my pledge to you. I will not do it in front of any more cameras. Lean into it. You have to own it at this point. Just become the jack off guy.

Anthony Rizzo's home run made everyone forget about his vaccination status

Anthony Rizzo was under fire on Friday because he didn't get vaccinated. But then he had like one of those 16-pitch at-bats where he had a home run... pretty much all is forgiven. And nobody's going to bring up the vaccination stuff after an at-bat like that.

Mike Vrabel builds teams based solely on player girth and size

I think I've figured out what Mike Vrabel's strategy is here... He's just trying to get the biggest dudes that he can possibly get his hands on. I think that he has the biggest starting 11, just mass-wise. He is Billy Football as a coach. He just wants pounds. And Julio Jones is a massive dude.

Tim Tebow was signed by Urban Meyer purely to act as a heat shield for Trevor Lawrence

I'm also just a huge fan of the narrative that [Urban Meyer] brought in Tebow just to take off heat off Trevor Lawrence... Tebow is just going to be too much of a natural leader and take all the heat, including from the players, off Trevor Lawrence.

Urban Meyer is trying to recreate his Florida Gators teams by moving Travis Etienne to wide receiver.

Urban Meyer is just that report that Travis Etienne is taking reps as only a wide receiver... He's trying to create Percy Harvin. I understand what he's doing, I think... He just wants to recreate the Florida team.

Luka Doncic is getting very close to being a dirty player

Luka Doncic is getting very close to being, like, a dirty player... And he already gets people mad at him because he complains about every call. So, like, you can't—then you just become Chris Paul.

UNC Women's Field Hockey is bad for the sport because they are too dominant

UNC Women's Field Hockey... just won their third national title in a row. Do you think that UNC women's field hockey is bad for women's field hockey? Because they're too dominant... If they go five in a row, that's bad for the sport.

Jake Paul would get his ass kicked and wouldn't even be able to land a punch on Canelo Alvarez

It's so funny watching [Canelo] move and the fact that there are real people out there who are like, Jake Paul's a legit boxer. Like, no, no, no. They're completely different athletes... He would never touch him. That's the part. It's not even that Canelo would hurt Jake Paul. Jake Paul wouldn't be able to punch Canelo Alvarez.

Wraps are just shittier, guiltier versions of sandwiches

The wrap is just a shittier sandwich. It's not like you didn't do anything great. It's more portable and it's like slightly healthier, but it's not as healthy as people want you to believe it is... you can't tell me that a wrap is better than a sandwich with like good bread.

This summer will be the 'Summer of Fake Butts'

I have a theory. This is going to be the summer of fake butts. The Roaring Twenties. My theory is that a lot of people got elective cosmetic surgery during this year that the world hit pause. And this summer, you're going to see a lot of fake asses that come out of nowhere.

Lou Dort is the best on-ball defender in the NBA

He is absolutely the best on-ball defender. He will lock you down. Lou Dort, he's the best. Dort-your-chamber.

There are more complete-game one-hitters than no-hitters in MLB history

I'll bet that there's more. [Complete game one-hitters]. I'm not a math guy, but I'm rolling with math on this one.

Anyone who announces they are retiring from Twitter is an asshole who will eventually return

Here's just a simple rule in life. If you announce that you are retiring from Twitter, you're probably a fucking asshole who will be back on Twitter in due time. That was Chrissy's biggest thing... we pulled you back in you can't fucking leave we got you we got our claws in you you're a fucking loser like us

NFL wide receivers wearing single-digit numbers is a 'there goes the neighborhood' moment

The NFL is just, I guess, giving clearance to wide receivers to wear single-digit numbers... It's a major There Goes the Neighborhood moment. I think it's going to happen. Peter King leaked it out, and when Peter King has a scoop like that, it's Roger Goodell just being like, Peter, you are my trial balloon.

James Harden is the best player on the Brooklyn Nets

The Brooklyn Nets this year, they are 36-17. They are 27-7 with James Harden playing, and they are 9-10 without. James Harden is the best player in the Brooklyn Nets.

Alex Rodriguez is buying the Timberwolves specifically to move them to Seattle

It's definitely a move, though, for A-Rod. He is buying that team to move it. To Seattle.

The Mike Woodson hire at Indiana probably won't work

They hired Mike Woodson... He's never coached college basketball in his life... That doesn't feel like it's going to work. What do you mean? A guy who has never coached college basketball.

Billy Football doesn't have the punctuality to be a Navy SEAL

Billy drunkenly tweeted... 'I would trade it all to be a Navy SEAL.' Now... rule number one of being a Navy SEAL is punctuality. And Billy fails at that all the time.

Baseball suffered the most from having no fans in attendance

I'm very excited about baseball season because baseball, I think, was the sport that suffered the most not having fans in attendance. It didn't feel real with nobody in the stands. There's something about going to a baseball game in the middle of the day in the summertime.

The Chicago Cubs prospect Jesus Camargo was likely a front for a drug cartel

Jesus Camargo was arrested after police found 21 pounds of meth in his team equipment bag... Is this something that's an organizational thing where he was assigned to do that? I wouldn't put it past Ricketts to make money any which way. It would not shock me. It'd actually be good for baseball if the Chicago Cubs were just straight up like the Juarez cartel.

Pie is better than cake

One of my hottest takes, well, just facts in the interest of fairness, Pi is better than cake... Apple pie, blueberry pie, peach pie. Those are all better. Cheesecake is even a pie... if you take out ice cream cake, I think that that's easily, that's almost a blowout.