Takes

It is okay to be late for office cake because everyone is always on a diet

It's OK to be late for the cake because everyone in an office is always on a diet. So when the cake comes out, everyone just wants a small sliver. Just want a little sliver. No, even smaller than that... There'll be 20 people eating a cake. And you'll come out. Everyone will have a slice. And there'll still be half a cake left. And you can just do whatever you want.

Never say 'I didn't know' in an office; instead use 'my understanding was' to lie or look better

If you ever need to lie about something or you need to just say, oh, I didn't know about that, never say, I didn't know. It makes you look bad in the office. You always say, oh, my understanding was we didn't have to work the day after the 4th of July. It also works on basically calling someone a dumb fuck. Like, oh, my understanding of this situation was this. Like basically, hey, listen, you're so stupid you didn't realize what was going on.

Parents name their kids Harper to falsely signal that they are well-read

My first one is Harper. I think a lot of people are naming their kids Harper. The reason this one makes me mad is it's kind of like a fake I'm really into book's name. I read that book that everyone read in high school [To Kill a Mockingbird], and it was a really good book even though that was the last book I read.

Bill Russell is better than LeBron James

Hank you actually had speaking of hot takes hank didn't you say bill russell was better than lebron? yeah that's right... I'm not ruling [Russell beating LeBron one-on-one] out by any means.

UConn women's basketball could beat a WNBA team

Could UConn women's basketball beat a WNBA team? Probably. I'm actually serious. I think they could.

The NBA players in the 80s were more authentic because they weren't friends and didn't go on 'banana boats' together

I always like when people compare the NBA today to the 80s when guys weren't friends. They were not friends. People forget that Magic and LeBron, they didn't go on—I mean, Magic and Larry Bird, they didn't go on banana boats together. It was a different era.

NFL Blitz is a Mount Rushmore-tier video game

All right, first up, NFL Blitz. No, I played video games a lot more when I was really young, and that was my favorite one.

Madden is the greatest video game franchise ever

I have Madden, the franchise. Just going to take the whole franchise. Fuck it. Mount Rushmore, you get to make your own rules.

GoldenEye 007 and Oregon Trail are top-tier video games

GoldenEye is number one since you didn't take it... Number two, I have Oregon Trail.

Women love bad boys and cigarette smokers

Number two [things chicks dig] bad boys... if you can maybe have a little mean streak to you. Chicks dig cigarette smokers slash heavy cologne users. They'll tell their friends, 'ew, he smokes,' then they'll be like, 'ooh, bad boy.'

Women love it when men tell them what to like and order for them at restaurants

Chicks love it when guys tell them what they like. Or order for them at a restaurant. It's just like whenever you're like, 'hey, this is actually you don't like that. You like what I like.' It just shows that you're not afraid to take charge.

Todd Packer is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

Todd Packer. He's obviously on my mountain. Todd's a guy that would definitely punch some nerds with us because we hate nerds on this show.

Kelly Kapoor is the most underrated character on The Office

I actually am a big Kelly Kapoor guy. I think Kelly Kapoor gets [not] enough credit for being hilarious, especially with her relationship with Ryan. My favorite Kelly Kapoor was when she was like, I'm pregnant, and then they cut to her and she's like [shaking head].

Holly Flax is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

I think Holly – Holly Flax. I mean, she was like she was girl, Michael Scott, female Michael Scott.

Jan Levinson became a better and more insane character after her breast augmentation

Fucking Jan was great... I guess [I would take her] post-boob job because she just got even more insane.

Kevin Malone is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

I think I may go with Kevin Malone specifically when he says, I am going to totally bang Holly.

Ryan Howard was a better character as a temp than as a corporate executive

I like the temp Ryan Howard to corporate. I didn't like him after he came back.

Peeing in the pool is the most natural thing in the world

My final favorite Mount Rushmore pool activity. This is my number one, actually, peeing in the pool. I've never been in a pool that I haven't peed in. So that's just it's I will sometimes pass going to the bathroom in a bathroom just so I can pee in the pool.

Napping in the sun is a top-tier pool activity

Number three taking a nap. Oh yeah, yeah. Falling asleep in the sun. ... I'm going to just get a big sunburn and let it turn into a tan. ... I'm all natural.

Potato salad is a Mount Rushmore level picnic side

I'm going to go with your potato salad. You need to have a little potato salad on your plate.

Coleslaw is trash

Dude, coleslaw is trash... everybody puts them on their plate, but they don't eat them.

If you don't include Mount Rushmore on a 'Mount Rushmore' list, you are trying way too hard

If you guys don't put Mount Rushmore on the list, you're trying way too hard.

I refuse to call Mount McKinley by the name Denali

I have Mount McKinley. I refuse to call it Denali. Screw that. It's Mount McKinley to me.

Dijon is the best mustard

Number one on my Mount Rushmore of mustards is Dijon mustard. Delicious on a sandwich. Can't get enough of a good Dijon.

Spicy brown mustard is the best kind of mustard

Spicy Brown? Yeah, that's actually my favorite mustard. That's my number one. That's my bottom bitch, if you will, of mustards.

All mustard is trash

I have nothing on my Mount Rushmore because all mustard is trash.

LeBron James is the greatest of all time

LeBron James, greatest of all time. 23.