Takes

1999-2000 Shaquille O'Neal was the most dominant player in NBA history

That 2019, 2000 Shaq was probably the most dominant player ever in the NBA because he was in shape. He had no injuries and, he was scared of Phil, and so he wanted to win a championship.

Trevor Lawrence will not bring 'electricity' to an NFL offense by himself

I don't see him just like bringing electricity to an offense. like making plays with his feet, like even when he has no blocking, you know, I just, I'm a little skeptical... the thing is he needs a supporting cast to be good.

Trevor Lawrence's long hair is a 'look at me' move

I do also think that the long hair makes you look a little bit shorter... The long hair is also like a look at me move. And I don't get – Big time. It's a big look at me move.

The Water Dogs MUST draft Chris Hogan in the Premier Lacrosse League

[Chris Hogan] has declared for the Premier League lacrosse draft... We have equity in the Water Dogs. Whatever we have to do to get Chris Hogan on our team, we have to do it.

Jordan Spieth is now a likable underdog because he has been so bad

Everyone likes Jordan Spieth because he's been so bad and such a head case for so long that he gets the pity... now he's an underdog despite the fact that he's won millions and millions of dollars playing golf.

James Harden literally ate his way out of Houston

Yeah, that is what happened, James. You got fat. James, you got fat. You ate your way out of Houston, which is very difficult to do.

There should be a 'TopGolf' but for football

TopGolf. But for other sports... There should be TopGolf but for football. You're the quarterback... imagine you have a football, and then in front of you is this big field, and there are people that are running routes, and you can hit the receivers with passes... They keep score of every ball that you throw.

Tom Brady putting on a knee brace before getting drunk is genius thinking.

I love the knee brace. I love Tom Brady, like an offensive lineman wearing a preemptive knee brace during a football game. He goes out and gets drunk and he puts a knee brace on before he does it. That's thinking ahead. That's the difference between him and all the other quarterbacks.

Russell Wilson has completely lost touch with reality.

I'm going to take back everything I said about Russell Wilson. He's no longer corny. This is just who he is. And I think he just doesn't have any sense of reality. So it's not even worth being like, 'hey, man, come back to reality.' He's gone. He's long gone.

Success in a celebrity marriage requires both people to be 'weird as hell.'

I actually think that for celebrity couples to work, you actually both have to be weird as hell. It helps because if it's just if somebody is too normal in a celebrity relationship... it doesn't work. You have to have two different parts of crazy in a celebrity relationship, I think, to actually make it work in the long run.

Russell Wilson is the J.J. Watt of 'corny' cliches taken to the extreme.

Russell Wilson is J.J. Watt to a millionth degree... J.J. Watt is a normal person when you break it down... J.J. Watt is just very nice. Russell Wilson is nice and he thinks he's solving the world's problems. And he also think he was like, I think he probably thinks he's a prophet.

COVID is no joke, even for peak athletes like me.

My Fyre Fest is I have COVID. It pretty much sucks. It's low-key not a great time... a peak athlete like myself, I've had trouble breathing all week. It has not been fun. I've literally just done this show, and after we hang up, I'm like, gasped beyond belief. It is no joke, and you shouldn't take it seriously... i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll fucking say it this thing is no joke

Tom Brady's 'We Will Win' texts are the most confidence-inducing messages in the world

The story that came out that Tom Brady texted his entire team every night the week leading up to the Super Bowl just saying, we will win. And I have to imagine that's got to be – like in terms of text messages you can get, that has to be the single most confidence-inducing text message you can get from anyone at any point in your life.

NFL coaches should go for two points every single time

93% of extra points were made... 48% of two-point conversions were completed... realize that they should go for two every single time. But they won't do it... if you have a good offense, you should absolutely go for two points every single time.

The 90s starter jacket and script hat is the pinnacle of coach fashion

The absolute pinnacle of coach looks will forever be the nineties when it comes to the script hat and the starter jacket. That is the coolest that coaches will ever look in any sport ever... I miss those days. I wish guys would wear starter jackets again.

Jose Canseco didn't have any power and essentially quit the fight

Once he punched me, I realized the fucking wizard behind the curtain was fucking just a man. I fucking went after him... He didn't give me... He quit. No, he quit.

Patrick Mahomes' matrix incompletion was one of the best Super Bowl passes ever

He made the three best passes in this game. He made a matrix pass. Maybe three passes that would be the best passes of all time. ... The hipster reply in 10 years when someone's like, quote tweet this with the best Super Bowl pass you've ever seen. Yeah, I saw it. Didn't count. It was actually a turnover on downs. Hit his receiver in the face.

Bears GM Ryan Pace constantly bids against himself in negotiations

Some of these reports about the Bears treating a fucking first, maybe even two first-round picks for Carson Wentz, no one out-negotiates themselves quite like Ryan Pace. There's nobody else that's bidding that high. Anywhere close to that high. He bids against himself.

The hosts are starting a strict 'no carbs' diet for February

Tomorrow, we're starting our diets. ... No carbs for the month of February. ... If you see a carb in my mouth, slap it out. Serious. Except for Saturdays. Those are cheat days.

If Tom Brady wins Super Bowl 55, he is the greatest athlete of all time over Michael Jordan

If Tom Brady wins the Super Bowl, is he then the greatest GOAT of all time? ... they're saying, like, that would put him over Jordan. And I do think that that counts.

Secretariat is the greatest of all time

Secretariat. Well, exactly. Secretariat. It's got to be. American Pharaoh. It has to be Secretariat.

The Chiefs defense has the advantage over the Buccaneers in the Super Bowl because of their speed

I'm going to say the Chiefs defense. ... very few defenses are going to be as fast as this Chiefs offense. ... I think the Chiefs defensive backs match up better from an athletic standpoint against these Bucs receivers. ... I give the slight advantage to the Chiefs because of complexity and because of who they're facing.

Marshall Faulk was both the best and most important player on the Greatest Show on Turf Rams

If there was one guy that changed the complexion of everything that we did, it was Marshall Faulk. ... he was such a distinct mismatch. ... he was, A, the best player on our team. So he was the best player, but he was also the most important.

I'm a six-four, 270-pound genetic freak — women want to breed with me just for the kids

She wanted to have, you know, my daughter's supermodel. So I breed super kids, obviously. I'm six foot four, 270 pound super athlete. So I'm a genetic freak. So I have, I've had plenty of women wanted to breed with me just for the kids.

Barry Bonds belongs in the Hall of Fame

Barry Bonds. Of course. ... there are probably 10 in the Hall of Fame right now that use PEDs. A couple I injected myself. I won't mention who they are.

'What kind of bullshit show is this?'

What kind of bullshit show is this?

Would have hit 760 home runs if he stayed healthy

Now, if you would have done my home runs per bat ratio over a 24-year-old period, I would have had 760 home runs if I would have stayed healthy.

I know more about steroids than most doctors and endocrinologists

I know more about steroids than most doctors, most endocrinologists. Believe me when I tell you that.

Tom Brady's family being out of the house is actually bad because it takes him out of his rhythm

I don't like that. It takes him out of his rhythm. Aaron Rodgers hasn't had his family in his house for years, and look where that got him last week.

The return of the EA Sports College Football game is a monumental and universally loved day

The best day I haven't seen the Internet universally love something more than this game returning. It is so fucking great. It is going to take like two or three years, which who cares? ... This was a monumental day. This is a great day.

Billy Football can beat Jose Canseco by moving around and avoiding toe-to-toe fighting

I know how you can beat them. You have to move around. You cannot fight with him. Toe to toes because you might get killed. But you move around, you're going to have a better chance... He's just a handmaker, you know. I don't think he knows how to fight, but he don't know how to survive.

I would fight Jay Mariotti for charity at the United Center

Jay Mariotti. He went after me so bad... I told him, I said, let's go to United Center for three rounds. You pick to put the money in, whoever wins. You give the money to charity. It's still on. If I want to do that, if I want to do charity in Chicago, I don't mind.

Passively watching the Pro Bowl is the football equivalent of the Masters for napping

The Pro Bowl really was like... The football equivalent of the Masters in terms of a great nap day, like a wonderful nap Sunday was watching neither offense or defensive line really get out of the three-point stances at all.

The Matthew Stafford trade lowered the market price for Deshaun Watson

Judging off my newfound expertise in the stock market, they'll look at this as being like, wow, that's one less buyer that we could have. So I guess the price is going down on Deshaun.

The Matthew Stafford trade is a home run for the Detroit Lions

The Lions' perspective from this, it was a home run for them in the fact that they are trying to fully rebuild now instead of half rebuild... I think it's a home run for the Lions. I think they did the right thing.

Patrick Reed is objectively good for the sport of golf because he's a villain

If you're a golf fan and you're so angry at Patrick Reed that you want him out of golf, you have to question whether you're a golf fan. Because guys who get this type of reaction on a Saturday afternoon in January on a tournament... That's good for golf.

Christian McCaffrey is as good as the hype suggested in college

I never seen Christian play a day in my life, right? So I seen him play in the Rose Bowl. I said, you know what? He's nice. He's nice, nice. I thought it was hyping him up, but he has catch, he's fast, he can block. He does it all.

The 'Reddit millionaires' will be the funniest class of millionaires ever

I need the quote-unquote trolls of the internet... to be the power players and shift the entire dynamic... the Reddit millionaires are going to be fucking hilarious.

The United States only unites if aliens start a war with us

The only way that the USA could come back together and all pull on the same side is if aliens came down to earth and start a war with us, then we'd all be like, yeah, fuck you. We'll fight against it.

David Cully's coaching history is a major red flag

He was a wide receivers coach in the NFL from 1994 to 2010. That feels like a long time to be a wide receivers coach and not get a promotion. So he's an expert.

Deshaun Watson is ruining the team he wants to be traded to

You're essentially saying, I want to be traded to a team that then will give up a bunch of draft capital and then hurt my ability to play for a winning team. In a way, yeah. He's almost kind of shitting in his own house and then buying the house.

No team should trade four first-round picks for Deshaun Watson

I think that you would be screwing yourself so royally over for the future if you give up four first-round picks... I wouldn't do it for four.

I would never trade Patrick Mahomes for anything

I wouldn't trade Patrick Mahomes for anything. I mean, you're pretty much guaranteeing that you're going to the AFC Championship game for the next, like, 15 years.

Analysis cannot ruin comedy

I am of the belief that you can't ruin it by analyzing it... W.C. Fields, he's the one that said, he goes, I can't tell you what's funny. I can't tell you why. And my thing is part of my fascination with comedy has always been trying to figure out the why.

Jackass is the most universal and primal form of comedy

I honestly think that you could show Jackass to anybody that's ever lived in any society, in any civilization, and they would laugh at it... From the Sumerians to today... it's just primal.

The stock market 'pause button' was hit only to save the fat cats

The game's rigged. They literally rigged it in plain sight... The fat cats in Wall Street are basically going to figure it out, going to blame the small guy, going to make new rules. Like, we've already seen it.

A billionaire without a sports team is doing life wrong

I also think that it's a big red flag to me that if somebody's a billionaire and they don't own a sports team, it's like, what are you doing? What has all this been for? What's the point? If you're not going to spend money on something cool.

Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player of all time

Tom Verducci filling out a baseball Hall of Fame ballot and leaving the greatest baseball player of all time, Barry Bonds, off of it.

Baseball Hall of Fame voting should be left to the fans

Leave it up to the fans. Let the fans vote. You buried it. Maybe because you've convinced yourself over the years that you're so important that everybody should look up to you because you get to check a piece of paper.

I am considering making the biggest bet of my life on Tom Brady in the Super Bowl

I was thinking about making the biggest bet of my life on Tom Brady before we left Detroit. But I was like, I'm going to wait two weeks and think it out. But I think that's where I'm going to end up.