Takes

The Chicago Bears will beat the Kansas City Chiefs outright

I like Chicago. I like the Bears to win outright. How do you think they will ya fuck with me? I that's my entire logic behind. This is to just give you a victory that you can't do anything with.

The Bears will beat the Packers because Hakeem Hicks is returning and the Packers aren't ready for cold-weather football.

Hakeem Hicks is back because it's cold. There was a big boy football this time of year for big boy football. And I don't know if the Packers are ready to play Big Boy football just yet... Hakeem Hicks being back I think is going to be [the difference].

The Rams are a lock to beat the Cowboys.

My favorite is the Rams. That is the Lockwood lock of the week. Jared [Goff] has found it. They have bounced back. They're going to be making that push.

The Raiders will win their final home game ever in the Black Hole because the crowd will be awesome and the Jaguars have quit.

The last home game ever in the Black Hole versus a team that has completely quit going across the country in Jacksonville, give me everything for the Raiders. That's the last game ever that's going to be an awesome crowd.

The Rams will beat the Seahawks because Sean McVay owns Pete Carroll's defense

Here's Sean McVay's offenses against the Seahawks the last four times: 29 points, 33 points, 36 points, 42 points. The Rams for whatever reason it is can figure out how to attack Pete Carroll's defense... I'll take the Rams.

The Buccaneers will finish 8-8 and franchise tag Jameis Winston

My favorites the Bucks. I think the Bucks are going to finish 8-8 I do. I think Jameis is going to get franchise tagged. I do, I hope so I really do.

I'm loading up on the Bears for Thanksgiving because David Blough is starting for the Lions

I think I'm going to load up on the Bears, especially if [David] Blough's playing.

I love the over in Bills vs. Cowboys on Thanksgiving

Fellas, I love this over. This is going to be my over of the day. Because you've got to have at least one over on Thanksgiving. It's a lot going against Buffalo. Buffalo on the road. Different defense at home. Very good defense on the road. Maybe not as good. And also, teams have been able to run a little bit on the Bills. Guess who the Cowboys have? Zeke.

The New Orleans Saints will blow out the Atlanta Falcons

I think that the wonky game already happened with the Saints and the Falcons. I think the Saints are going to blow them out.

The Saints cannot go on the road and win the NFC Championship

I don't think the Saints can go on the road and win in the NFC Championship... I think they need to play for the number one seed and have the 49ers come to them.

The Saints, Steelers, and Patriots all winning is a can't-lose parlay

There's no chance the Saints lose at home to the Panthers... The Steelers are not going to lose to the Bengals because Mason Rudolph has never lost a game after he's been accused of saying something racist... and the Patriots will beat the Cowboys because all you got to know about the Patriots Cowboys game is Jason Garrett verse Bill Belichick.

The Dolphins moneyline against the Browns is the underdog pick of the week

My favorite is... this is going to be my lock... I'm going back on the train [with the] Dolphins as the underdog take them on the money line as well.

The Bills -4 against the Broncos is a thermite accelerant flaming lock of the week

This one's going to be my thermite accelerant flaming lock of the week. So this is a big fucking fire. It's the Buffalo fucking bills -4 at home against the Broncos.

The Seahawks +1 against the Eagles is the walkiest line of the year

I'll take the Seahawks plus 1. Russell Wilson is an underdog 23:7 and one against the spread in his career. It's this is the walkie east line of the year.

The Bears and Giants will go over 40.5 points

I'm going to take the Bears and Giants over 40 and a half and I'll tell you why... Daniel Jones going to be good for at least six pick sixes in this game.

If the Panthers lose to the Falcons, their season is officially over

I think if they lose this game to the Falcons their season's done. I like that. Yeah, we might put the done chain on them twice.

Derek Carr is close to keeping his job long-term in Las Vegas

I've actually think Derek Carr is very close to keeping his job in his house next to Jon Gruden in Las Vegas.

If the Raiders beat the Bengals by 20 points, they are a playoff team

I'm kind of in on the Raiders making the playoffs... if the Raiders win by 20 points or more I think playoff Town. Yeah. I'm on playoff Town Raiders.

The Patriots will beat the Eagles by at least seven points

I'm going to take the Patriots... minus three and a half. It is the classic. I think I wouldn't be surprised if they lose. So I'm going to take them because I mean they'll probably win by seven plus.

The Bears vs. Rams Sunday Night Football game will have at least eight combined touchdowns

Sunday Night Bears Rams absolute slugfest the quarterbacks would be going back and forth touchdown touchdown lighting it up minimum eight touchdowns combined between them.

The Pittsburgh Steelers will beat the Rams outright

And then the juicy one, the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to beat the Rams outright.

The Browns will beat the Bills in Week 10

I'm taking the Browns minus three. It's like you just... I'll just keep going last gasp. I think I took them last week as my favorite. So, yeah, I'll probably lose at least three more times with the Browns being like, they can't lose this one.

The Falcons vs. Saints game will go under the point total, and the Falcons will win

My under is Atlanta-New Orleans. This is my platinum six star under... Falcons are going to be scoring a lot. They're going to win the game.

A Rams, Colts, and Packers moneyline parlay cannot lose this week

Here's the can't lose parlay. The Rams, they're not going to lose to the Bengals... The Colts are at home against the Broncos. They're not going to lose... The Packers are not going to lose to Matt Moore.

The Texans are going to stomp the shit out of the Raiders

The Raiders and the Texans [game], and the Texans are going to stomp the shit out of them.

The Bears will kill the Chargers this weekend

I think the Bears are going to kill the Chargers. I do... They will win this game easily because the Chargers' offense has problems. Their offensive line has problems. The Chargers are a soft football team.

The Chiefs will beat the Packers outright without Patrick Mahomes

What do you think the line would be if Mahomes was playing?... I think they're going to win outright.

The Giants are a live underdog against the Lions this weekend

I think the Giants are going to be pretty live underdog there [against the Lions].

The Giants, Niners, and Seahawks will all win to complete a 'Can't Lose Parlay'

I got the Giants... I got the Niners guaranteed... and I got the Seahawks against the F-word Ravens frauds.

Kirk Cousins will have a typical 'bad' game against the Lions with one TD and two INTs

This feels to me like a Cousins one touchdown to two interceptions game, maybe get Adam Thielen killed on a cross route... a very hilarious fumble six...

The Rams, Ravens, and Cowboys moneyline parlay is a lock

My can't-lose parlay: the Rams moneyline, the Ravens moneyline, the Cowboys moneyline. I think that's plus odds... I don't see how a single one of those loses.

The loser of the Broncos-Titans game will see their season officially end

Loser leaves town: Broncos Titans. Season is over for the loser of this. I think the Broncos season is already over... [but] if the Titans lose this game, it feels a little bleak. I think they're done.

The Eagles will cover against the Vikings because Kirk Cousins will be overconfident after beating the Giants

My underdog is Philly +3 at Minnesota. I love this. This feels like the Kirk Cousins wins a 'big game' but it's not really a big game because it's one o'clock on a Sunday so he can say well Kirk Cousins won the big game just to fool everyone a little bit more. He beat the Giants on the road... I feel like he's overlooking the Eagles at home.

My 'Can't Lose' Parlay for Week 5 is the Bears, Eagles, Patriots, and Chiefs

The Can't Lose Parlay of the week. It cannot lose. Drumroll. The Bears, Khalil Mack, revenge game. Philly, they're not losing to the Jets. The Patriots, they're not losing to the Redskins. And then you get to just sit back and enjoy the Sunday night football game and have the Chiefs.

The Bills-Titans game will eventually decide who gets a wildcard spot in the AFC

Bill's Titans is my loser leaves town game because... whoever wins this game is going to have the tiebreaker. And I think this could be the game that eventually decides who gets that wildcard spot.

The Titans will win and win convincingly against the Falcons

If a Mike Vrabel coached team is an underdog and people are counting them out, that's when you bet on them. So just take them because this is a game that the Titans will win and win convincingly.

Patrick Mahomes will throw for 6,000 yards

He's still going to throw for 6,000 yards. When I say he's taken a step back, I mean he went from 100 out of 100 to like 99.5 out of 100.

The Broncos are in a true must-win situation and will finally get a victory against the Jaguars

I think Denver finally wins again. And Denver is in a true must-win, like the season's over if we don't win.

The Browns will cover the seven-point spread easily against the Ravens

I think the Browns are going to cover seven easy. I think the Browns are going to win this game because they need it more than anyone else. I think the Ravens are slightly overrated, and the Browns are underrated, and seven seems like too much.

My 'No-Lose' Parlay: Colts, Chiefs, and Rams Moneyline

This is going to be my no-lose parlay of the week... Colts, no chance they lose to the Raiders. Chiefs, no chance they lose to the Lions. Rams, no chance they lose to the Bucs... It will not lose. And if it does, pretend that you don't know me.

The Chiefs will cover -6.5 against the Ravens

I will go with... The Chiefs, minus six and a half, because are we sure the Ravens are as good as they think? I don't think that we are sure. They beat the Dolphins, who stink, and they barely beat the Cardinals on the road.

The Browns aren't as good as people think, so I'm taking the Rams to beat them

Essentially, my logic is that the Browns aren't as good as people are giving them credit for. I'm taking the Rams.

The Lions are better than people realize and will cover +6.5 against the Eagles

For the third week in a row, I'm taking the Detroit Lions. Plus six and a half. Don't sleep on the Lions. I still think they're a little bit better than people give them credit for. I think the Eagles are the better team, but offensive line issues, basically every wide receiver they had got injured last week. I think this might be a little bit closer.

The Packers and Broncos will hit the under 43

I'm taking the Packers and Broncos under 43. The Broncos last 10 games, 10 unders. And the Packers defense is good. I think that's going to be the easiest under of the week.

I am betting the Jets +6.5 against the Browns on Monday Night Football

I'm going to take the Jets on Monday night. Are you really? Yeah. Dude, this is a classic situation where everyone freaks out and everyone's like, oh, Sam Darnold's out. The Jets stink now. And it's six and a half points. And Trevor Simmons, he might not win the game, but he'll be good enough to keep him around.

If the Bears lose to the Broncos and Joe Flacco, I will have a full-blown meltdown

I have been threatening all week that I will melt down if the Bears lose to the shitty Broncos and the even shittier Joe Flacco. If the Bears lose on Sunday. It's a meltdown. I'm promising a meltdown. I will stomp my feet. I will say mean things to people around me that I will later on regret... I might even cry a little. I'm going to yell at people. I'm going to tweet at people really mad. The Bears cannot lose this game.

The Patriots will cover -18.5 against the Dolphins

I know it's a crazy line. It's outrageous, but it's one of those things where there's going to be no better thrill than rooting for the Patriots to cover 18 and a half. I can unbiasedly tell you that the Patriots are going to cover 18 and a half.

The Dolphins will cover +18.5 against the Patriots

I like the Dolphins [at +18.5]. And it's one of these things where the universe is taunting me, saying you won't take the shitty Dolphins, possibly the worst team in the last five years of the NFL. But everyone's talking about how bad they are... I'm going to count wins against the spread here as wins for the Dolphins.

The Bills will beat the Giants and cover -1.5

My favorite. I'm going to go with the Bills. Minus one and a half on the road. I like the Bills. I hate the Giants. I hate Pat Shurmur. I hate Eli Manning's stupid face in this game.

The Bengals will beat the 49ers and cover -2

I like the Bengals, minus two. I think the 49ers, a little bit of a fraudulent win week one. Their defense played well, but Jimmy Garoppolo did not... I think the Bengals, you saw it. They actually run a 2019 offense now... I think the Bengals are going to cover at home. Minus two.