Takes

There is a distinct difference between being cool and being a badass

Jules is cool... He has bad motherfucker on his wallet, but he's essentially very cool. He's lethal and dangerous as all hell. Kind of like Ordell is a bad motherfucker. He's not cool because he's kind of corny and he dresses kind of wack and his hair ain't all the way there. But he will fuck you up.

Motherfucker is the most versatile word in the English language

My favorite curse word is probably motherfucker, yeah. Because I use it for a lot of different things... You can mother fuck somebody if you're mad. Or you can describe a person as, you know the motherfucker I'm talking about. Or you can say, oh man, that shit's a motherfucker, meaning it's really great shit.

Baseball needs 'old school' guys like Madison Bumgarner to keep the ecosystem balanced

Madison Baumgartner is one of the last guys that we need in this league because he is an anti-bat flipper, anti-pimp your home run. Goose Gossage is actually very important. He's like a beaver for the ecosystem. If you don't have someone yelling about bat flips... then we're all on Twitter being like, bat flips are awesome. Fuck the old guys. It's like, dude, you're talking about no one now.

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.

The Warriors are totally fine in the NBA Finals even without Kevin Durant

I actually think the Warriors are totally fine. I mean, that's not like a hot take, but Klay's going to be back. I think they – sitting Klay, they were like, look, we're the Warriors. Like, we'll be fine. Let's get him 100% healthy or close to 100%. ... But they know that they can win on the road.

The Jonas Brothers are actually not losers and their documentary is good

My Firefest of the week is that I watched a Jonas Brothers documentary, and I actually really liked them. You go in and you're like, oh, Jonas Brothers, those guys are losers. Only teenage girls like them... Then you watch the documentary. You realize they were grinding for three years.

The tour-based model is the best way for a niche sport like lacrosse to make a national impact

We're tour-based. ... When you're a smaller sport like lacrosse, we needed to capitalize on the players, on venues and distribution. ... If we were to label cities to them, that we would just be really local and we wouldn't be able to capitalize on this national growth. ... Some fan in San Francisco and New York can just pick their allegiance.

For the health of the Premier Lacrosse League, Paul Rabil needs to get into a fight in week one

You got to fight like week one to get it out there. Like you know that right? Like for the health of the league, you have to fight.

Zdeno Chara is the sports respecter of journalism of the year for writing down answers with a broken jaw

Zdeno Chara has a broken jaw, he can't speak, and he still met with the press and answered questions by writing down his answers. Class act. ... The respecter of journalism of the year. Sports player who respects journalism the most of the year.

I am a 49ers and Michigan fan

Professional football teams would have to be the 49ers. ... I have to be the 49ers. I love Joe Montana. ... [College?] Go blue. Michigan.

People who chase TV ratings on the internet are the absolute worst

People who chase ratings might be the worst people on the internet... They don't even care about the sport. They just care about the next morning. How many people watch and how can I spin this to fit my exact narrative that I'm trying to throw out?

The New York Yankees' no-beard policy is the dumbest rule in all of sports

[The New York Yankees' no-beard policy] is the dumbest rule in all sports. What happens if [Dallas Keuchel] signed? I would love to see Scott Boras right now if he finds out that Keuchel already gave away the beard in the negotiation for free.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT over LeBron James because of his leadership

Michael Jordan, he has a leadership. That's the most important thing. As a player, as an athlete, you have a leadership... in a basketball game, if you're a superstar in the team, you have to lead your team.

Klay Thompson's hamstring injury is a huge concern for the Warriors

Klay Thompson going out with the hamstring, which, by the way, that wasn't talked about after, but that's a huge, huge injury because he went out and he looked really pissed. Hamstrings are weird, man.

Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of the Warriors

I'm talking myself into the take that Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of that Warriors team. Clay will come in and he'll shoot like seven for 10.

Anthony Joshua fights like a 5'10" man despite being 6'6"

Anthony Joshua just couldn't keep Andy Ruiz from charging in at him... Joshua is 6'6", but he fights like he's 5'10". Like he doesn't use that height to his advantage.

Odell Beckham Jr. missing OTAs is weird and concerning

Odell Beckham is already upset at the Browns... It is a little weird. It's one of those things that Odell Beckham, I do think he gets lumped into when everyone's like, oh, yeah, the prima donna wide receiver... But it is weird that he's not showing up, and it's like you kind of want your guy to show up.

We would easily beat the Warriors if we started the 4th quarter with a 100-point lead

No, easy. We win by 30 [if we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter].

We would still lose to the Warriors even with a 100-point lead in the 4th quarter

I think we would still lose and it would be like hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time.

St. Louis pizza is just a saltine cracker with ketchup and American cheese

I learned something new about the St. Louis culinary tradition every year, whether it's their pizza, which my understanding is like saltine cracker with ketchup, and then like a lunchable cheddar... American cheese.

Being ignored at a roast is meaner than being made fun of

That's almost meaner [to go soft]. If I ignore you at a roast, it means either you can't take it or I don't care about you.

Doug Gottlieb is classless for blaming RJ Hampton's parents for his decision to play in New Zealand

To call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move, dude. Just a weird, weird move... it's a crazy move to call an 18-year-old a douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself.

I agree with Scottie Pippen's decision to sue a five-year-old for drawing on his walls

Scottie Pippen... he's suing a five-year-old. But I read it, and I actually agree with him. So essentially... the people trashed the house, and part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls, and it was most likely a five-year-old. So boom, you're getting sued. I like that.

RJ Hampton's brand will be fine because we will be the number one RJ Hampton podcast on planet Earth

Guess what, Jeff Goodman? His brand is going to be fine because we're going to be the number one RJ Hampton podcast on planet Earth.

The Lakers are in a classic rats-on-a-sinking-ship scenario

What this tells me is that this is a classic rats on a sinking ship scenario with the Lakers. Because you're right. Nobody was spared. Everybody got a little taste of some vengeance from somebody else. So everyone inside that front office is talking.

I am sick of The Rock posting relatable cheat meals while he's in peak physical condition

I'm putting The Rock on my hot seat because I'm sick of him posting his cheat meals. Being like, look how relatable this is, guys. I don't know if you noticed this, but like every month, Rock will post a huge pancake or something. And be like, damn, look at this cheat meal I'm about to devour. Being like, everyone out there, you know what it's like to eat like shit. Yeah, Rock, we eat like shit every fucking day. You're not cool because you eat a big pancake once every 30 days and you can deadlift 1,000 pounds and you spend your life in a fucking gym.

Intermittent fasting is the easiest thing in the world

No, [intermittent fasting] is the easiest thing in the world... You just don't eat for longer in the morning and a little bit longer before bed... you have 12 hours that you should not eat throughout the day. During your nighttime sleep cycle, say you have your dinner and your dinner ends at 7 p.m., you should not have anything in your body except water.

USC is in California; South Carolina should stop calling themselves USC

I can't stand when South Carolina people refer to themselves as USC. That's the worst. You're not USC. USC is in California. I'm sorry. It's just the truth.

Skip Bayless is the real winner of the 2019 NBA Finals no matter the outcome

Skip Bayless is the real winner of these NBA finals, no matter what happens... Because if the Warriors win, it's an indictment on Kawhi. And Skip gets to say, number two, I told you he was number two. And if the Raptors win, it's a big win for Skip Bayless because then he can retroactively use that and say it means less that LeBron James beat that Warriors team without KD back in 2016 because Kawhi also did it.

I want Steph Curry to not win the Finals MVP just to keep that narrative alive

In order of things I want to happen, I want Steph [Curry] to not win the MVP no matter what just so that we can keep that narrative going. It's got to go to somebody crazy.

Lacrosse and baseball should make goals worth more points to make the final score look cooler

You know what they really need to do in lacrosse? They need to make the goals worth more than one point. It's an easy fix for baseball, too, if you want to draw more attention to your sport. Like in football, a touchdown is really one score, but it's worth six, which makes the final score look so much cooler. In lacrosse, if every goal was worth five points and the final score was 100 to 98.

Illinois is a second-tier state because it's only Chicago and bad weather

I put Illinois in my second tier as a state just because I like the city of Chicago in the summertime. But people are big mad. Apparently, Illinois is not a well-liked state even by people that live inside of Illinois... Illinois is never going to be on the same level as California's, the Florida's, the Hawaii's.

If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you should be excommunicated

There's actually no state worse to be in and not be able to chug a beer than the state of Wisconsin. If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you've got to get out instantly.

Drake is a Canadian version of a trash-talker who waits to respond via subtle social media changes

That's the most Canadian response ever to a disc track is to just wait and then subtly change your social media. Yeah, take as much time as possible. That's as mean as they get in Canada.

Kawhi Leonard is such an efficient, robotic player that you don't even realize he has 35 points until the game is over

Kawhi [Leonard] is the fucking guy who... You can just watch a game and not realize that he's got 35 points. You know what I mean? Because it's so efficient and it's so robotic and steady throughout where it just happens.

Jrue Holiday is arguably the best defensive guard in the NBA

Drew [Jrue] Holiday... Drew might be known as maybe as the best defensive guard in the NBA. I'm glad you're on. No, I agree with that. Yeah, I absolutely agree with that. Yeah, I absolutely agree with that. Shut down Lillard in the playoffs last year.

In college basketball, you must 'plant a flag' and never lose games at home to build a real program

You just have to set that tone like you can't lose at home. If you're going to build a real program, you've got to plant a flag in your home arena.

The Giants don't operate with urgency; Gettleman isn't on the hot seat despite the Daniel Jones pick

No, because the Giants don't operate that way. Giants have more patience in the GM than any team... GMs. Their GM has always made the picks.

None of the 2019 quarterback prospects except Kyler Murray would have been first-rounders in the 2018 draft

And if you put... Any of those guys in last year's draft, I don't think any of them except Kyler would have been a first-round pick.

Baker Mayfield is a 'gangster' who will control the Browns' big personalities

Baker Mayfield is a gangster. He's not going to handle people trying to, me, me, me, I want the ball. He's going to put it where it needs to go, and he's going to control that locker room. Baker's different, man. He's special.

Direct messages on Twitter or Instagram officially count as 'texting' for reporting purposes

A text is a tweet, a DM, an Instagram DM, an Instagram comment... Broussard did the classic thing where... he says that Kevin Durant and he exchanged many DMs... he's not having it [the debate if a DM is a text]. It's all just a text now.

Drake is the worst for rubbing the coach's shoulders on the sideline

Drake is the worst. He is the star of the show up in Canada. So he was rubbing Nick Nurse's shoulders, giving him a little massage on the sidelines. You know what, Drake? You're from Canada. You should know better. It's like the Stanley Cup. You don't touch your coach's shoulders during a game until you win the title.

Steph Curry can be more of himself when the offense runs through him instead of Kevin Durant

Steph Curry, the Warriors are not better without Kevin Durant because a superstar gives you more flexibility and injuries and all that shit. But Steph Curry is certainly better and can be more Steph Curry without Kevin Durant. When the offense runs through him and basically he shoots the lights out and he gets into these rhythms that you can't stop him.

St. Louis Cardinals fans have been pieces of shit forever

The St. Louis-Chicago rivalry, St. Louis Cardinals fans have been pieces of shit forever with the way they treat Cubs. Best fans in baseball. Careful. Anyone who's listening right now is a Cardinals fan. They'll admit this. They made all the jokes. They said the Cubs would never win one.

Magic Johnson is a master of the media and spinning narratives

Can we just for a second note that Magic Johnson is a master of the media? Like, I know he's been getting dragged for a lot of things... but the guy can spin any spin zone. He went on First Take. He basically gets Stephen A. Smith on his side all like two hours before Rob Pelinka has to announce Frank Vogel as the new head coach and basically bringing up the fact that Frank Vogel was their sixth option. So Magic Johnson, hats off to you.

Blake Bortles has the leadership and experience to not flinch in big-time games

Jared and [Bortles] have a great relationship and anytime that you can get a guy like Blake where when you meet him... he's one of those guys, he's got a great demeanor where you're like, you know, this guy feels like a quarterback, a leader. Then you hear him a couple days out here just the way he commands a huddle you can see why his teammates believe in him... [He] has been in those types of games, in those atmospheres where you know he's not going to flinch.

I deserved the criticism for my coaching performance in Super Bowl LIII

I'm talking about the criticism of my coaching in the Super Bowl. I deserve it. ... I'd be lying if I said, you know, if things go a little off track, you probably have too many thoughts in your head and you would have a different rhythm. I don't necessarily know if you're working any less hard for the preparation, but, you know, Coach Belichick and the Patriots are, you know, they're the standard right now.

The Bosa family are made of silk because they are so injury prone

The Bosa family, they're kind of doofies, doofuses, doofi? ... If you did a 23andMe on the Bosa family jeans, it's like 15% Anglo-Saxon and then 85% silk. Torn hamstrings. They're just made out of silk. Their hamstrings are Ming vases.

Bartolo Colon is not a Hall of Famer despite his longevity and wins

Bartolo Colon is one of those guys that we should make a special rule where he should get to start one game for every single team for an entire season. ... Not a Hall of Famer, but a very good, memorable pitcher. He has more families than home runs. Four-time All-Star and a Cy Young in 2005. That's pretty damn good. Good job for you, Bartolo.