Takes

James Harden should turn the Scottsdale phone-throwing incident into a cell phone carrier commercial

Dude, every time something like this happens, if you could just figure out a way, if you're James Harden's agent, just create a commercial instantly making fun of this. Do a sprint commercial where you're just grabbing phones out of people's hands, throwing it, then handing them a sprint phone. And everyone would be like, oh, that's funny.

The Central Time Zone is the undisputed best time zone for sports fans

The Central Time Zone is by far the best. The problem with everyone who's like West Coast is the best because 10 a.m. football... 10 a.m. is too early. Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game... and Monday night football ends at like 11 o'clock. My ranking of time zones goes Central time, mountain time, west coast, east coast.

Tiger Woods is officially back because he is contending in majors again

The Tiger's back crew that I despised for many years, the 2014-15 Tiger's back because he, you know, finished top 10 in a stupid tournament in Bermuda. That sucked. Now he's back because he's actually finishing second. I think he shot like six under today. He had that tiger stalk. He's back.

Brooks Koepka's lack of popularity is because his name is hard to pronounce

Because his name is hard to pronounce. People just don't say his name. That's what I'm saying. I always just avoid names I can't say. So I just don't ever say his name... It's like, bro, I don't know how to say his name. So I'm just not going to look dumb.

The 2018 PGA Championship course in St. Louis was a disgrace

Sickening showing by the course this weekend. Disgusting. Lowest, I think, score in a PGA Championship... I'm disappointed in you, St. Louis. Yet again. Lock up the course.

Jason Garrett is on a toasty hot seat in Dallas

I'm going to see the Dallas Cowboys in Oxnard, California. [Jason Garrett's hot seat?] I think it's toasty. It's toasty.

A team's closeness and culture is a tangible advantage on the field

I always feel the tighter team, the closer team, has an advantage over the team that's not as tight. And the only way you do that is by hanging here, spending time together. I like to put ping pong tables in there just so people kick it and they don't go home right away.

Defenses never actually 'caught up' to the zone read; execution and health just failed

Personally don't think [defenses] ever did [catch up]. It was the lack of being able to continue doing it... There's no hey defense learned how to stop it. Yeah, they just have to play simpler which allows you to open up everything else.

Jimmy Garoppolo is an elite thrower with exceptional release speed

Jimmy, he's an elite thrower. I think everyone can see his arm talent, how quickly he can get rid of the ball. Even if you don't block very well, he can speed it up so fast that it's very hard to get to him.

Having a fullback allows the offense to dictate the game to the defense

I like to dictate what the offense wants to do. And when you don't have a fullback in the game, the defense can dictate it a lot... When you have a fullback in the game, it doesn't matter what the defense does. If you want to run it, you can, and they know that.

I regret throwing the ball on 2nd and 10 in field goal range during Super Bowl 51

The one regret I had is after we got down there was throwing it on second and 10. I wish I just ran it. But I also didn't plan on us getting a sack. We got four guys out, thought we could end it right there, and I thought if it wasn't, we'd throw it away, and we didn't.

Johnny Manziel was set up to fail by being drafted higher than his production warranted

I thought Johnny, you know, he was put in an unfair situation where I thought he was taken higher than what he could produce. And that's a lot of pressure on a guy... I think he was set up to fail from the beginning.

Media personalities should get things wrong on purpose once every few months to move the needle

I had somebody to pull me aside. I was like, you take it too seriously when I was younger. And he said, get something wrong on purpose. Just be so wrong once every few months that it kind of registers with people.

Men should never use 2.5-pound plates at the gym

Men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever. Ever. ... You went up two and a half pounds today. Like, men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever.

Grinding out a par in golf is more impressive than shooting a low score with no effort

See, Big Cat, here's where you and I kind of differ because you don't know as much about golf as I do. He [Tiger Woods] grinded this one out. ... if you grind out a bad score, it's actually better than shooting a good score with no effort. It shows more grit, more determination. It's like an ugly win. Better than a beautiful loss.

If you get arrested, you should drop the name of a mid-level officer rather than the President

If you get arrested, you want to drop a name. It's kind of the inverse of what you think it should be. You want to drop the smallest name possible that the guy would recognize. Like you want to drop the name of his slightly superior officer. You don't want to go straight to the top with the president.

Ohio State fans should have learned not to hold rallies before the facts are out from the Penn State / Joe Paterno situation

I feel like we should have learned our lesson with the Joe Paterno rallies. Maybe wait until we figure everything out before you do like an entire impromptu rally at the stadium being like Free Urban Meyer. I can't really wrap my head around these people because I would assume these are the same people that if you bash Urban Meyer on Twitter, they will reply with, wait till all the facts come out. But then they also held an entire rally with none of the facts out.

The Simpsons is the best cartoon show of all time

Number one, no-brainer, Simpsons. Best cartoon show of all time. Even though there were only like seven or eight awesome seasons of it, those seven or eight seasons were good enough to justify like 50 years of shit.

The Rock is exactly as great as you imagine him to be

He's great, man. He's everything you imagine and want him to be. It's very satisfying. He often gets himself into pickles just like we do, but he's like such a magnetic dude that he'll get himself out of it easier than we can.

Chevy Chase ruined the reputation of comedy sets for everyone

I think comedy shows have that reputation [of being competitive or mean] because of Saturday Night Live. Chevy Chase ruined it for everyone. Chevy Chase was such a colossal dickhead. He ruined everything. Everything since then, everyone's like, oh, you have to be a dickhead to be in this show business.

Tom Brady won his first three Super Bowls before he had his 'glow-up'

Even Tom Brady won the majority of his Super Bowls before the glow-up. He won three Super Bowls before he had the glow-up. He definitely looks a lot different than he did. He's gotten hotter with age.

Birthdays officially start to suck at age 26

At what age do birthdays just start to suck? Oh, I'd say 26. Everything from there is downhill.

Ray Lewis' Hall of Fame speech was the most ridiculous ever while being exactly what we expected

Ray Lewis just now finished his Hall of Fame speech, which was the most ridiculous Hall of Fame speech while also being exactly what we all expected from Ray Lewis. I actually was getting upset, but I couldn't stop watching because it was so ridiculous.

Urban Meyer's defense in the Zach Smith scandal is just 'passing the buck' to Gene Smith

Urban Meyer has figured out his defense, and it is kind of what we all expected. He released a statement... and he basically went with the, I have always followed proper reporting protocols... Gene Smith, you are pretty much fucked and Urban Meyer's just gonna say yeah he told everyone and it's your fault for not doing anything.

The Montgomery Biscuits is a top-tier minor league team name

I got to go Montgomery Biscuits. The best part about it is the tongue is a pat of butter.

Rookie of the Year is the best baseball movie

Best baseball movie... I'm actually going to go Rookie of the Year number one... Because it's the Cubs.

Below Deck is the modern-day Downton Abbey

Below Deck is great because it's young people. It's almost like Downton Abbey... It's the modern day Downton Abbey because it's the people who live downstairs serving the people who live upstairs.

Jerry O'Connell is the worst fantasy football player of all time for drafting only Jets and Browns players

I'm going to pick up Tyrod Taylor. So you take Jets and Browns quarterbacks. You actually are the worst fantasy player of all time... Two Browns, two Jets. You are the worst fantasy football player of all time.

LeBron James is objectively very smart

I would say LeBron James is not dumb. I'd actually say he's very, very smart, objectively very, very smart... look at all his businesses and all that and how he's handled his entire career. He's a very smart person.

Chase Daniel has robbed the NFL for 10 straight years

Chase Daniel has played in the NFL for 10 fucking seasons. He has made $24 million in cash earnings. We need to bring people to realize, hey, Chase Daniel has robbed the NFL for 10 straight years. He is one and one all time. So he's played two games in 10 years. That might be the greatest snake it till you make it fact of all time.

I would have been one of the greatest cornerbacks in NFL history

I'm not going to say Deion because Deion was such a great coach, but I would have been somewhere underneath primetime. I would have been right there at the primetime and playing the way that I play. I see myself as being one of the greatest corners to ever play the game.

I consider myself one of the greatest bench players in basketball history

I just knew that, all right, Nate, you're never going to be able to start. You're not going to be a starting point guard in this league, but we're going to make the best of it, and you're going to be one of the best players that ever come off the bench. And I think I did that, and I consider myself one of the greatest players that ever come off the bench to play the game of basketball.

Mark Zuckerberg is an unlikable robot with a shitty haircut

I don't know why that guy, [Zuckerberg], he has such an unlikable face. He walks on stage already bombing. It's like the guy before him killed and then the second they just, I don't know if it's the guy's face, his posture, his energy, it's just everybody would hate him. He's a robot. He's got those big pupils that just look like nothing but just black in those eyes. Wrong haircut.

St. Louis Cardinals fans are the most knowledgeable fans in baseball

Best baseball fans, probably knowledgeable and also cool to their team, like forgiving and they weren't assholes, were St. Louis Cardinals fans. They know the game. They know shit like you don't make the first or the third out at third base. They support players that are in a slump. They don't do like that stupid Yankee thing where they boo Derek Jeter.

New York sports outside of the Yankees and Giants is a total shit show

New York sports is basically the Yankees, with the Giants with an honorable mention. If you look at the rest of them, it is a fucking shit show. The Knicks, the Nets, the Rangers, the Mets, the Jets. I mean, it's just everybody. It's like if you combined all those years, how long it's been with all of those teams just not winning championships.

The new NFL helmet tackling rule is going to kill football

The new helmet rule, the tackling helmet rule, is going to kill football. It's essentially every single hit in the NFL you can be like, is there going to be a flag? There should be a flag every single tackle. So we're kind of screwed.

The Nationals should have traded Bryce Harper at the 2018 MLB trade deadline.

As a [Nationals] fan, I guess I can say I'm a [Nationals] fan now, yeah, Natitude. As one who possesses Natitude, I think they probably should have traded him. My guess is they just got a bunch of shitty offers for him because he sucks this year, no offense Bryce.

Roger Goodell should revoke David Tepper's ownership if he removes the NFL shield from the 50-yard line.

[David Tepper] is thinking about changing the midfield logo to a Panther. This would be the Panthers spitting in the face of Roger Goodell. I think Roger Goodell should think about revoking his charter as an owner.

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.

Russell Wilson is a very good quarterback, but he is not great.

For years, everybody thinks I'm a Russell Wilson hater. I just think he's very good and he's not great. People want to put him in the Hall of Fame. Well, now we're going to find out. I don't think the defense is going to be nearly as good... it's his team now. He needs to be great.

Drew Brees is just a 'dinker and a dunker' now.

Brees still, huh? Really? But all he does is he dinks and dunks. He's a dinker. He's a dunker. No, all he does is, like, oh, I got Kamara. I'm just going to give him the ball and let him run with it. That's what Drew Brees does.

NFL owners should pay for their own stadiums without taxpayer money.

The owners should pay for their own fucking stadium. A segment that we'll throw out there... If the taxpayers pay for the stadium, they get to decide the rules. No laws inside the stadium. Anything you want.

Yankee fans holding a candlelight vigil for Aaron Judge's broken wrist is outrageous

This is outrageous for a fucking broken wrist. I think he [Aaron Judge] just got hit in the wrist and a little bone came off... I don't think Jose Fernandez got this type of tribute.

The 1990s were the last era where professional athletes could be out of shape and still succeed

The 90s were kind of the last era where guys were basically able to just be fat pieces of shit and go to the whole thing... There's some guy who in every single sport we can trace to. Like, who is the guy who's like, I'm actually going to train in the offseason? I'm going to lift weights.

Kevin Durant's social media sensitivity shows he is not at peace with his move to the Warriors

If people bring up him [Kevin Durant] going to the Warriors, he clearly is not at peace with that decision, even though it has worked out better than even he could have expected... It is because you're Kevin Durant, you're not supposed to respond to trolls in your mentions.

Losing the 2011 Finals to the Mavericks was ultimately good for LeBron James's legacy

The best thing that happened to LeBron, even though the way they lost was not great, the best thing that happened to LeBron was that Miami team losing to Dallas. Because it validated those other two titles. It made it seem hard... The fact that they had real adversity made the rest of the championships feel validated to the public.

LeBron James is objectively the greatest basketball player ever

Wouldn't change the fact that he's [LeBron James] objectively and obviously the greatest basketball player ever.

LeBron James intentionally put together a 'blame team' of flawed teammates for his first year in LA

LeBron James, the 2018-19 Los Angeles Lakers, he has put together the greatest blame team of all time. He's basically punted on this year... They have Rondo, JaVale McGee, Lance Stevenson, Michael Beasley. That team will get blamed and laughed at on Twitter every single night, and LeBron James will basically be like, well, what is he supposed to do?

Braves announcer Joe Simpson is the ultimate 'old man yells at cloud' for complaining about batting practice T-shirts

Getting upset about guys taking batting practice in T-shirts... this is maybe my favorite like old man yells at cloud mixed with baseball... Joe Simpson, suck our dicks, dude. You'll never hear this.

Kevin Durant is thin-skinned but owning up to it makes him relatable

[Durant] can be a thin-skinned B-word, and he also can be very real and actually kind of owning up to the fact that he's a thin-skinned B-word, which I do respect. It makes him so much more relatable. The fact that he deals with the same problems that we deal with.