Takes

Johnny Manziel's NFL suspension is a PR victory because it keeps him relevant

He got suspended by the NFL for four games. And you know what? That's a great thing for him to have happen because Johnny Manziel, for the first time in a few months, is being talked about in the same sentence as the NFL... It's all good news when the NFL is suspending you because that means you still have a little bit of relevancy.

To win over a girl on a first date, be as dumb and awful as possible

Spin Zone, girls love a challenge. So if you're going on a first date, try to fuck up and be as dumb and awful as you can be. Because then they're going to say, whoa, look at this wild horse. I want to tame him and bring him into the bar. Learn that one from every Judd Apatow rom-com.

The Los Angeles Clippers are actually a Temecula team

I've never been to the Staples Center, but I'm kind of an L.A. Clippers truther. I don't think that the Clippers actually play in that city. I think they're, like, more of a Temecula team.

The alpha move on a banana boat is sitting in the front

I would say that the alpha move is sitting at the front of the banana boat... if you're sitting up front, you're the guy that's having a blast. Everybody else is just dealing with your runoffs.

I refuse to call Mount McKinley by the name Denali

I have Mount McKinley. I refuse to call it Denali. Screw that. It's Mount McKinley to me.

James Harrison's home is likely filled with booby traps for Roger Goodell

James Harrison also said that if Roger Goodell wants to interview him, he has to come to his house... That's Home Alone featuring James Harrison with booby traps everywhere for Roger Goodell. He's going to have the blowtorch. He's going to have the ornaments out.

I am going to make pooping your pants as an adult socially acceptable

None of it comes even close to what I'm trying to accomplish when it comes to making pooping your pants as an adult not something to be ashamed of. I'm a 31-year-old man. I make mistakes just like you... If this happens to you, don't be ashamed. I'm here for you. I want to give a voice to the voiceless, the grown adults out there.

Lionel Messi should go to Cleveland and win a championship to repair his legacy

When the whole world thinks you're a quitter and is down on you, you go to Cleveland and you win a championship.

All mustard is trash

I have nothing on my Mount Rushmore because all mustard is trash.

Yankee fans are the most knowledgeable fans in baseball

I think number one in terms of knowledge would be Yankee fans.

George Steinbrenner was the greatest owner in sports history

Best owner ever. I had the utmost respect because I don't think I've ever seen an owner that wants to win as much as George Steinbrenner wanted to win. Like, literally, we played 162 games. I really think that he wanted us to win 162 games, like not one loss.

Tarvaris Jackson's wife is a Hall of Famer for mocking his on-field accuracy while he was holding a gun

Jax and his wife said to him [while he pointed a gun at her], you better be accurate because you ain't accurate on the field. That's so quick... she actually is facing death and she's still not afraid to go there. Not afraid to go there Hall of Fame.

Game of Thrones is for nerds and we watch sports instead

Game of Thrones for nerds. We watch sports. You watch your little fantasy land shit. If we're going to call you a nerd, we're going to call you a nerd and you're going to fucking like it... The real nerds are the people that don't watch it.

NBA Draft night is the most boring night of the sports year

Can I be honest with you? I think that the NBA draft night is the most boring night of the sports year. I think the ESPY night is more electric than the NBA draft night.

The NBA should draft fat guys and let them work themselves into shape

Why aren't they drafting really fat guys and saying, well, he'll lose the weight, he'll lose the weight, like he'll get in shape? That seems unfair... fat guys, they don't get the benefit of the doubt. Oh, they'll work themselves in shape. No, you never hear that.

LeBron James is the greatest of all time

LeBron James, greatest of all time. 23.

If you die during your team's championship celebration, it is not a bad way to go

Honestly, if you die during your team's championship, not the worst way to go... If you're a Clevelander and you die during the celebration of your first championship, I don't even think that's a Jimbo. I think that they're going to build a statue for you.

European NBA players are soft

I don't know what it is about European players, but my instinct is when everyone's taken, I'm like, wow, what a dumb pick. It doesn't matter. They're soft. No, it's just Europe in general. They're soft. It's just not to make it a generality about an entire country. All the tough guys in Europe play soccer. Europe is a terrible country.

Rick Pitino did not know about the escort scandal in the Louisville dorms

I truly take Coach's side on this. I don't think he knew that Andre McGee was doing that for the players. I think he was caught up surprised by that. Coach is not around the dorms and those things with the guys. You know, that's why he hires his ex-coaches or ex-young coaches so they can handle that type of stuff.

Playing football in the South makes you immune to the justice system

This just shows the cultural difference between the North and the South, the anti-pussification of America by Alabama, where if you play football, you basically are immune to the justice system. That's never actually backfired.

Jim Harbaugh only has sex when he is trying to procreate

I also wouldn't be surprised if Jim Harbaugh's sex life is just when he's trying to procreate. Jim Harbaugh, like, he doesn't get put in the mood. He's just, like, walking around the house and spontaneously has an erection. And then he just grabs his wife and he's like, it's back again. We're having a baby again.

The Under Armour curse is real and currently at its peak

Anytime a good team loses, you got to ask what the curse is. I think it's definitely the Under Armour curse. It lives on. Spieth struck out big time at the U.S. Open. Cam Newton, Steph Curry. Bryce Harper still hasn't won a title. I think we're living in the golden age of the Under Armour curse.

Kyrie Irving should have won Finals MVP over LeBron James

Kyrie Irving should have won MVP. He was the best player on the court. He basically won it for LeBron, not to get nitpicky here.

I officially hate Steph Curry for being a sore loser

By the end of this finals, I truly do hate him. I can't stand him anymore. He complains about every call. He got a little too cute out there sometimes with the behind-the-back pass. The whole meltdown when he threw the mouth guard... You can't be America's sweetheart when it's all going well and then have these public meltdowns when things turn on you. It's a sore loser thing. So I think I officially hate Steph Curry.

The NBA isn't rigged, but the league got the 7-game series they wanted

Is the NBA rigged? No. But? Did I insinuate a but? That was not my intention. No, I think in this series, they got what they wanted. Absolutely. You know, they got, they got the seven games, but I don't, I'm not buying into that conspiracy theory.

Mountain Time is the best time zone for sports fans

If we're doing power rankings of time zones, I've got to say Mountain Time is number one. Everybody shows no love to Mountain Time, but it's a nice little mix of not having to start watching sports too early and not having to stay up too late. Mountain Time, Central Time, Pacific Time, then Eastern Time.

The Warriors are dead and crumbling

The Warriors are dead. They're dead, and they have totally crumbled. They're falling apart at the seams. Steph Curry's throwing mouth guards at fans. Egregious act, by the way.

Jimmy Butler is a relevant NBA player

He is a relevant player, so stop. And I know I just said that twice, which makes it seem like I'm trying to convince myself he's a relevant player, but he is a relevant player. That was the third time.

Under Armour is the Buffalo Bills of shoes and cannot win the big one

Under Armour can't win the big one. They can't. They're the Buffalo Bills of Shoes. You know what I'd like to see more of on Twitter? I'd like to see more people tweeting the dumpster fire image at, like, live look at Under Armour right now. It's a dumpster fire.

O.J. Simpson is a guilty man

I have no theories on that stuff. I've stated before, I just think O.J. is a guilty man, and that's it. I think his karma is now that he is in jail.

California teenagers are more intimidating than teenagers in the rest of America

I think that's a great call because I came from Wisconsin and I was, it's very intimidating... It's just nothing but good looking people... I'm always a Milwaukee guy. I swear to God, I have not forgotten who I am.

LeBron James is the best athlete in the world

Well, we've actually argued about this in terms of LeBron's athleticism. I don't think there's a better athlete in shape dominating their sport like LeBron... we thought LeBron would be the best at that [playing other sports].

The last two minutes of a basketball game are the worst part of sports

The worst. The last two minutes of the game.

Fat guys should not wear fedoras

Jason Whitlock, way too fat to wear a fedora. Fat guys can't wear little hats like that.

I officially hate the New Orleans Saints and will root against them on broadcasts

Joe Buck now hates the Saints... I think we should go on record and at least have one that I actually can't stand. And I'm just over the top rooting against. And whoever they're playing that week, I will refer to as we.

I would stand by my criticism of Randy Moss's mooning celebration even today

I would probably say the same thing again. it would be weak of me to say, yeah, I was a little bit too harsh and poor Randy... I thought it was over the top and ridiculous. Maybe my Midwestern roots came out. But believe me, I'm not scared. And if somebody doesn't like what I say or how I say it... I really don't give a shit anymore.

Dez Bryant caught the ball against the Packers in the playoffs

I was in the minority on that one. I thought that was a catch. And I think if Dez Bryant and Lambeau is not within a yard of the end zone, it's not an issue. But because he was and he was reaching for the touchdown, to me, that's what caused the ball to pop out.

Pregnancy is not an injury for a man; it is just being 'hurt'

I'm going to say that pregnancy is not an injury. A man's wife being pregnant is not an injury to the guy. It's a hurt to the guy... Pregnancy is technically a sexually transmitted disease. I think we all remember that from middle school health class.

Ichiro's hits in Japan should not count toward his career total vs. Pete Rose

Sabermetrically speaking, do hits in Japan count the same as Major League Baseball hits? I would say no... Those hits don't count in the United States. Neither should Ichiro's.

Sidney Crosby is on the Mount Rushmore of hockey with Gretzky, Howe, and Ovechkin

If we're talking like the goat mount rushmore you got to go gordy how... you got to go gretzky you got to go ovechkin you got to go crosby it's easy

Every person on the ice for the Stanley Cup celebration should be required to wear skates

I don't like the fact that they roll out a carpet onto the ice. I feel like if you're going to be celebrating something on the ice, it needs to be done by only people wearing ice skates. So like the guys in the tuxes, the girl that comes out to sing the national anthem, they all need to be wearing ice skates. Like respect the sport a little bit.

Hockey is better than basketball because the games are more competitive

The NBA was blowouts everywhere, okay? Most of [the hockey] scores are either one goals or two goals. That's not a blowout. Hockey's better than basketball.

The 1996 Bulls would beat the modern Warriors

I'd be shocked if the Warriors won it. I just look at the defensive matchups... Dennis Rodman is going to just, I think, negate Draymond Green. And then you bring in – when you have Scottie Pippen, who would look forward to covering these guys.

People should be fired for being bad at Twitter

I hope that this happens more in the future. Just people get fired because they suck at Twitter, not because they say anything offensive or because they break a law or anything, just because they suck at the platform.

The 2016 Pittsburgh Penguins are the softest and worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup

Congrats to Pittsburgh, right? They are probably the softest team to ever win a Stanley Cup... I think that this Pittsburgh Penguin team is probably the worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup.

The Stanley Cup is the greatest trophy in sports and every trophy should be drinkable

Every time the Stanley Cup champion is crowned, it reminds me that it is the greatest trophy in all of sports, and it's not even close. Every single trophy you should be able to drink out of.

If you do a bit better than the person who invented it, it becomes yours legally

I feel like if you do something a lot better than somebody else, then it becomes yours... On the internet, we call that a hat tip. So as long as you give somebody a hat tip, then you can steal all their shit and it's totally above board.

The United States soccer team is the Indiana Pacers of the global scale

The thing about Klinsmann is the United States in soccer is the Indiana Pacers. We've never done anything great, really. We've had a couple good players every now and again. But we think that we're entitled to be a really good team.

LeBron James buying headphones for his teammates is a 'bad boss move'

LeBron bought everyone headphones before game two? Another really bad boss move. Basically buying everyone a gift so that when he trashes them and calls them assholes and tells the media that he can't do it all on himself, he's then going to come behind the press conference and be like, hey guys, but you remember those headphones I got you?

I hate the NBA because of the Prima Donnas and flopping

I just hate the NBA. ... Just, you know, it's just, I don't know. I feel like it's all one-on-one. It's just the timeouts, the fools that play. A lot of ball hogs. ... Prima Donnas. Flops everywhere. It's just slow.