Takes

English literature majors can graduate college without attending in-person classes

Problem is now that I have actually have in-person classes, I just don't go because I'm too used to smoking weed and playing video games. So I was just wondering if I can graduate without going to class for the rest of my college career... Yeah, you sure can. It's called being an English major.

To graduate college, you either have to read the book or go to class—you don't have to do both

the tip I always give is I would either read the book or go to class one or the other, you pick one or the other and you'll be fine. I would either go like, if I didn't want to read the book, I'd go to every single class. If I didn't feel like going to class, I'd read every single book on the list because they basically give you all the answers in college.

Trump is like Machiavelli

I gave a, yeah... Trump is like Machiavelli... The Little Prince.

Don't ever wear a high school Letterman jacket in college

No Letterman jackets. Come on, guys. When you go to college, high school's over. Don't be that guy who shows up to college and talks about how fun their high school was. That guy's a loser.

Don't have any visitors from high school your first semester of college

Don't invite any of your high school friends to show up... they come, they get too drunk, they get in a fight with your college friends... Don't have any visitors for your entire first semester of college.

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes and snake owners are the worst people

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes, and people who own snakes are the worst people in the world. So you need to do something about that.

A .10 BAC is the minimum threshold for an underage drinking citation to be considered cool

At least a .10. That's really the threshold right there. Come on, like .04? Would you use mouthwash that morning?

Befriend your TA instead of your professor to get better grades in college

You got to befriend your TA because that's the guy who's going to be reading everything. That's the guy who's going to be doing your grade. That's the guy or girl who is going to be deciding your fate. So forget the professor. Go find the TA.

Incoming college freshmen should break up with their long-term girlfriends

So I've been dating my girlfriend for around a year now. [Billy Football]: Okay, dumper. Break up. Pretty easy stuff.

Rugby is the best sport to lie about playing to pick up women

Clear answer, obvious rugby. Rugby does it. We pay money to each other and we buy equipment and beer. We have socials with other sports teams and we sing songs.

Freshman should always get a roommate instead of a single

Got to get a roommate. The guy who gets the single, he's immediately judged like, oh, you're better than us. And it becomes a party room. You're a freak. The guy who has a single room, there's always questions. Freshman year, just get a roommate, deal with it.