Takes

The Eagles will miss the playoffs because Nick Foles and Carson Wentz are both injured

So when I'm doing the math, I think the Eagles just have two hurt quarterbacks for the entire year, and they're going to miss the playoffs. Hot take.

Matt Harvey will regain his form and have a good season now that he's left the Mets

Matt Harvey's going to still have a good year in his career left simply because it's the Mets... If you're a team looking for a pitcher, you should probably take a flyer on Matt Harvey because it would just be so perfect Mets for Matt Harvey to regain his form.

Kyrie Irving will be back and fine for the first round of the playoffs

He'll be back in three weeks, first round of the playoffs, no problem... Once [the debris is] out, he's completely fine.

Joel Embiid will stop being funny on Twitter when he starts playing poorly or getting hurt more

I predicted like a month ago how Joel would not be so funny on Twitter when he starts fucking up. So this is the first one. He's injured like every other day. He's got a lot of time to go back and forth. Take away his umlaut over the Joel. You're just Joel now.

RG3 will dislocate his pelvis on Sunday

I'm going to go injured. I think he dislocates the pelvis. It's the big one. It's like the San Andreas quake. A lot of tremors the last few years.

Rob Gronkowski might retire at 69 touchdowns just for the joke

Rob Gronkowski might retire just for the joke... No, but it's like a destiny thing. It really is a destiny thing. I don't think he wants to retire, but it's written in the stars.

Bet heavily against Butler because their bulldog mascot tore its ACL

Butler University's bulldog mascot... he tore his ACL. So he's only out for two weeks... so bet against Butler heavily.

Terrelle Pryor is the Cleveland Browns' best quarterback option because everyone else will get injured

So they asked him if he was going to be willing to play quarterback because obviously if you're a Cleveland Browns quarterback, it's like being in the movie Final Destination. They've already lost two. They've got [Cody] Kessler. So Kessler is going to get hurt this weekend, too. And they said, Terrell, would you play? And he goes, I cut my finger off for the team.

The European Union is hurt, not injured, following Brexit and will make a major comeback

The EU, in my opinion, is hurt. I don't think that they're injured. This is a minor setback for a major comeback... The EU is going to get back on that horse. They're going to bring in like Turkey and Russia and really get Britain's attention and Britain will be like, yeah, we fucked up. I'm sorry. Can I have you back? Things will get back together.

Pablo Sandoval will be just as good from the right side as the left side next year

So his right hand is going to be getting a lot of exercise. He's got a wipe, J-O, you name it... flash forward to next season, he might be just as good from the right side as he is from the left. So keep an eye on that.

Adam LaRoche's son will be the greatest hot take writer ever because he grew up in locker rooms

Adam LaRoche's kid... he is going to be the best hot take writer of all time. Could you imagine him fighting with like sabermetric nerds? Adam LaRoche's kid, his entire existence is towel whips, like, you know, pranks, guys, you know, calling each other [names]. His entire life is a locker room. I can't wait till he grows up and starts like just throwing his ideas of his worldviews around.