Takes

Mike Florio's idea of the Bengals and Bears sharing a stadium in Chicago is absurd

The Bengals... Could be to partner up in a new Chicagoland stadium. I disagree. That is not the best outcome for the Bengals. No, not at all. Not even close... I feel like Florio didn't, Florio's the problem always. He's, you, you point at he's the reason that, that you would accept a, a new team that you don't care about.

Any side dish works with any main course

I don't believe in in Correct the idea that one type of meal, like if you order a steak, then mashed potatoes is the side to that. But if you order pasta, guess what? Mashed potatoes is a great side for pasta too... All sides. If you like a side it works with any main course that you also like.

Ordering delivery from two different places for the same meal makes you a 'fat ass'

I would order from both places for dinner. Yeah. And just do 'em... it would be like three entrees and an appetizer from two different places. Oh. For myself... I am a fat ass and you are a fat ass if you ordered delivery dinner from two different places at the same time.

Kyler Murray is right for using cheese plays in Madden

I am on Kyler Murray's side... Kyler Murray's in the right... you got your ass beaten in the Madden League... And then you went online to be like, well Kyler Murray's a bad guy cuz he beats me with the same play and I can't figure out a defense to stop it.

Men have an innate psychological need for physical 'adventures' like digging holes

I think that like, as we're growing up, I was under the assumption that I would have just non-stop adventures. And I think that guys just need adventures sometimes. It sounds like he's found his adventure, which we should be applauding... guys will literally dig a giant hole in their backyard for years at a time, instead of going to therapy.

Waffle House is the best night, breakfast, and drunk food in the world

Let's not shame people that eat at waffle house because now if you're a millionaire, you should still be going to waffle house on a regular basis. It is the best night food. It's the best breakfast and it's drunk food. It's great. Waffle house shrunk waffle house is one of America's finest institutions.

The Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul fight is the start of the 'participation trophy era'

The fight ended. No one won. For the first time, I'm going to say the participation trophy era is real. I think that's my takeaway from this. Like, what did we just watch?

House cats are prima donnas that can be easily defeated by any human.

A house cat means that that cat's drinking milk, that cat's sleeping in beds... that cat is fucking total prima donna... I'll fucking strangle a house cat.

Crocodiles are easier to defeat on land than cobras because they cannot move laterally.

I actually think I'd have more trouble with the cobra than I would a crocodile. It's at foot level, so it's perfect kicking... I would just run around it to its back and then just fucking get him from behind. He can't move laterally.

Writing an article about what is 'cheugy' is the most 'cheugy' thing you can do

I think the most cheugy thing you can do is to write an article about whether something is cheugy or not.

The Disney 'wokeness' critic is a compelling weirdo

I actually think this guy might rule. I think he might rule. I think I might be a fan of his... the fact that he spends this much time thinking about Disney is weird, but also kind of cool because it's just cool to be that excited about anything.

Society is trending into the toilet

What we're saying is our society is heading to the toilet. So in 12 years when my son has to go through middle school and high school, it is going to be a landmine. You think we're trending up? Uh-uh... We're trending down.

You can't beat a Waffle House cook on his home turf; you need to use sneaky tactics

I obviously I'm very much on this guy side. I want him to win. I think he needs to start thinking a lot smarter though... you're not going to beat him on his home turf. No, you have to find a sneaky way to do this.

Shitty sports columnists like Phil Mushnick make sports more fun

We need shitty columnists. Shitty columnists make Sports more fun while they're trying to make it less fun. Right, exactly.

There is no difference between being a hardcore football fan and someone who treats mouse figurines like family

There's zero difference between what we do and these people pretending that their mouse figurines are part of their family. ... We're paying so much attention to football and watching Hard Knocks and breaking down all 22 for no reason on Twitter, they would probably be like, these guys are a bunch of weirdos.

There is nothing cooler than being a regular at a place where everyone knows your name

Honestly, there's nothing cooler than being a regular at a bar. You show up and everyone's like, hey, here he comes.

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.

Identifying your own white privilege but not changing your behavior is 'Schrodinger's White Privilege'

It's like Schrodinger's white privilege. Just identifying it makes it something. But it also makes it exist and not exist at the same time? Like, if you identify that you're acting like a dick... Newsflash, you're still acting like a dick. If you stop acting like a dick, then you're no longer acting like a dick. I don't think that it can be Schrodinger's dick or not.

Urban Meyer knew much more about the Zach Smith situation than the investigation report found

Saying Urban Meyer probably knew a lot more than this report has found... He probably remembers everything. And guess what? He's still coaching Ohio State, so he'll probably win a shitload of games. If your coach is good enough, they'll do the reverse engineering where instead of being like, let's find the facts, we'll be like, let's find the facts to make sure he stays as coach.

A small part of me is afraid of what happens to my identity if the Cubs actually win the World Series.

There's like a 1% of my brain that doesn't fully know what to do if the Cubs actually won the World Series. If they don't win, our identity is still intact. I'm the dog chasing a car and I don't know what I would do if I caught it.