Takes

Aaron Rodgers would rather play for Mike McCarthy in Dallas right now

Aaron Rodgers right now... he would rather I think play for Mike McCarthy right now than Matt LaFleur. Yes who can say what you want about Mike McCarthy, but he never acquired a good quarterback to play behind them... Rodgers always good in Jerry world. So maybe he goes down to Dallas.

Tom Brady could return to the 49ers just to 'cuck' Jimmy Garoppolo again

I was going to say how funny it would be if he just went to San Francisco and was like, I want to finish my hometown team. Jimmy, you're out. Just cucks Jimmy again.

The Lakers signed Dwight Howard to be the fall guy for LeBron James

Lakers fans, no matter what happens, no matter how shitty the team plays, they're going to hate LeBron or they're going to hate Dwight more than they hate LeBron. So LeBron has a real easy fall guy to point at and Dwight Howard and then be like, we got rid of the fall guy. Now it's time for us to gel as a team.

Papa John is the new face of Kentucky basketball

I think we should just go with a take that Papa John is now the new face of Kentucky basketball. When I think UK Wildcats, I think shitty pizza.

The Cleveland Cavaliers should hire J.R. Smith as a player-coach

I am in full support of player coach J.R. Smith. J.R. Smith, player coach. Get it trending. Do it. Petty War. NBA Twitter, you got this.

Matt Harvey moving to Cincinnati is hilarious because the city lacks New York models

Matt Harvey in Cincinnati is hilarious for a couple reasons... I don't think the models that are walking around New York City are going to be walking around Cincinnati. And if they are, they probably have diarrhea from Skyline.

Jim 'Bones' Mackay was Phil Mickelson's personal bookie

Phil Mickelson and his caddy, Bones... they are splitting up. I mean, we all know why, right? Two reasons. One, Phil didn't go to the U.S. Open... and two, Bones was probably Phil's bookie, and Phil probably can't gamble anymore.

Russell Wilson should become a pharmacist to write Adderall prescriptions for the Seahawks defense

What if Russell goes back to school in the off-season? Here's what you do, Russ. Go to school, become a pharmacist. And then just write unlimited [Adderall] prescriptions.

Derek Jeter is jealous of A-Rod's business success with A-Rod Corp

I think that's the bottom of it, is that Derek Jeter is jealous of all of the business success A-Rod Corp has had... They sold like 50 golf shirts. He had lunch with his little girls the other day. Meanwhile, Derek Jeter can't buy the Marlins.

Phil Jackson is actively trying to get fired by the Knicks to get a settlement

Phil Jackson is actively just trying to screw up as much as he can on purpose... Everything that you thought that Phil could do to try to get fired and get a big settlement, he has done it.

Kevin Durant is a whiny baby

Kevin Durant is a fucking whiny baby. He seriously is... You were in Oklahoma City for so long, and everyone gave you a pass. LeBron James was bashed to no end for not winning a title... Kevin Durant not only has been considered a top three player in the NBA, but he played with a top five player in the NBA with [Russell] Westbrook, and he got a fucking pass. So shut up.