Summer is officially over after Labor Day

Summer's over. Sorry, anyone who says summer lasts past Labor Day is a loser. We're so fucking pissed. Summer's over.

Short people live longer because their hearts don't have as much mass to pump blood through

Short people definitely live longer. Yeah, because we don't have this mass to pump all the blood through. [We are] closer to the ground, better pad level.

Blake Bortles is an alpha leader because he convinced a quarterback room to fake their social distancing tracking

The fact that the entire quarterback room went along with it shows me that Blake is a leader. And so they were all looking up to [Bortles] as the alpha in that group, furthering the reasons why he should be on an NFL roster right now.

I lied about destroying Vanny Woodhead; I have been keeping it for years

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of... I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it... I was like, every time it was an excuse I used to not follow through with chopping it up.

Zach Wilson's ceiling is literally Patrick Mahomes

Come on, Zach Wilson, his ceiling is literally Patrick Mahomes. That's a fact. If he plays to the best of his ability.

Al-Qaeda is the only one who could have written the Monday Night Football script

Running out with the flag... hard knocks... there was so much hope and hype. And, you know, talking about the NFL script, the only one who could have written that script is Al-Qaeda.