Enron is due for a massive comeback

A little investment tip, Enron. It's bound to bounce back. It has to. It is due.

Zion Williamson is a bonafide bust

Zion is a bust. Parentheses: I went to sleep at halftime.

Zion Williamson is always one bad weekend away from being fat

He is not fat, but he's always a bad weekend away from being fat. A bachelor party, going on a trip. Maybe a trip to New Orleans... you come into work on Monday and everyone looks at you like you got stung by a bunch of bees.

Getting excited for the NFL schedule release is for pussies

I can't get it up for the schedule release because it's—if you explained what the schedule release was to Vince Lombardi, he'd call you a pussy and spit in your face.

The NFL should release one game schedule per day for the entire off-season

The NFL, they should do, they should draw it out even longer. It should be one game that Roger Goodell releases per day for the entire off-season. And then at the end of it, he's like, okay, let's play some ball.

The Preakness Stakes should move its date to three weeks before the Kentucky Derby

Why doesn't the Preakness just say, screw it to the Kentucky Derby and schedule their main race for like three weeks before the Kentucky Derby? You wanna play hardball? Yeah, you could play hardball. I feel like if you, if your horse wins the Preakness, if it was scheduled for before the Derby, you're not skipping the derby. No, you gotta run in the derby.